He keeps coming back..then leaves again! HELP

[Betty Boop]

I guess this is probably the oldest story yet, dearest friends, Im really in a bind. Im married, happily , and ever since an affair last year that literally shook my world, I was finally getting my feet back on the ground. An affair that lasted about 3 months, however, it turned out that this mr.WRONG really touched me like no one I have ever met. He left, said he was oging back to his wife and kids and i guess it was the most sensible thing to do since I wasnt leaving my husband eihter.It was hard getting over him, and since we live in 2 different countries, I just assumed that life would one day be back to normal. A cople days ago, he emailed me, with pictures of himself, his new son, and all this was followed by a letter saying that he was sorry for being distant. 2) He still misses me 3) Stating that he knows its probably too late, yet he would still like me to go see him. Now three days later, he has vanished again without a sign , without a letter...NOTHINg. I cant sleep , i think of him constantly. I wrote him a letter asking him why he does this to me. Comes and goes, and constantly hurting me. Im askign him to just tell me what he wants. I know this sounds stupid,...but what am I to do.. I cant tell him to get the hell out of my life..somtehing just wont let him go.. Cn somebody please lend a piece of advice . How do I move on ? WHat does he want?

 

Thanks everyone

[Tony T]

You're not looking for advice, you're looking for hope and encouragement. You won't get it from me.

 

This is a dead end deal. Nothing is ever going to come of it. This email was a cruel assault on your feelings and your recovery.

 

I can't believe you actually want more of this. Of course he's like to see you, he'd like a little more on the side while his wife is out shopping or something. Give me a break. He's got a family he isn't leaving so why are you even bothering with this?

 

If you aren't happy with your husband, get a divorce. If it's the finances, get a good attorney at work out a great settlement for yourself. Then go find someone who is single and whose head is on straight and start a new life for yourself.

 

I never cease to be amazed how people's lives are turned inside out by lovers...while their husband or wife is right there in the same room. And you can't tell the guy you're cheating with to get out of your life, no matter how much he jerks you around. To me it's bizarre.

 

I was never prepared for this. I never even saw stuff this wild in the movies.

 

I do think it's real nice to have a lover on the side who is courteous enough to send you photos of himself and his new children as he has them. That just seems so special.

[little d]

Betty is your skirt over your head?

 

You can't possibly be as self centered as you sound.

 

I think the only person you should ask for advice on this is your husband. See how he feels about you obsessing over a guy that wants nothing more to do with you than rub his happiness in your face and string you along. How does he feel about you making a mockery out of him, your vows and your marriage. You SHOULD have sleepless nights.

 

Oldest story?? I'm glad I had happier more positive bedtime stories.

 

d

I guess this is probably the oldest story yet, dearest friends, Im really in a bind. Im married, happily , and ever since an affair last year that literally shook my world, I was finally getting my feet back on the ground. An affair that lasted about 3 months, however, it turned out that this mr.WRONG really touched me like no one I have ever met. He left, said he was oging back to his wife and kids and i guess it was the most sensible thing to do since I wasnt leaving my husband eihter.It was hard getting over him, and since we live in 2 different countries, I just assumed that life would one day be back to normal. A cople days ago, he emailed me, with pictures of himself, his new son, and all this was followed by a letter saying that he was sorry for being distant. 2) He still misses me 3) Stating that he knows its probably too late, yet he would still like me to go see him. Now three days later, he has vanished again without a sign , without a letter...NOTHINg. I cant sleep , i think of him constantly. I wrote him a letter asking him why he does this to me. Comes and goes, and constantly hurting me. Im askign him to just tell me what he wants. I know this sounds stupid,...but what am I to do.. I cant tell him to get the hell out of my life..somtehing just wont let him go.. Cn somebody please lend a piece of advice . How do I move on ? WHat does he want? Thanks everyone

[Dragonflys]

It sounds to me like you are tempted by the wild and dangerous stuff. If I could be in any way sympathetic, I would say it would be impossible for you to rationally ignore this carrot while it is there. Sometimes we encounter things that rock our world for all the wrong reasons, and once that has happened it is difficult to go back to the normal state.

 

Maybe what you need to realise that there would be so much pain involved in exploring this any further. You would hurt yourself (due to his instability), your children, your husband, your flings children, and his wife. But, again, despite this, you will not be able to rationally say 'this is wrong I must stop', unless you get kicked in the arse by each and every one of them. We can not imagine the pain, but we sure can remember the pleasure.

 

The only way I can see that you can move on is to either go through divorce and commit him to go through divorce which will cause a lot of pain, hassle already; or you simply cut him out of your life in every possible way, i.e change email, change phone no. and ignore snail mail.

 

Over time you will forget the pleasure aspect and return to normal and it won't be so hard.

 

Although, I personally agree with Tony, I think if both scenarios will make you unhappy. You could do all the above things, be single again and find a man who is stable and can give you the type of life you need.

[midori]

your post shows a remarkable lack of concern for your husband. It does sound like your priorities are really out of whack.

 

But I know how hard it can be to get something out of your head even when you know it's hopeless and bad for you anyway. Sometimes it takes a dash of cold water to snap out of it. You're wondering what this guy is about? He's feeding his ego. On you. He will never ever leave his wife, certainly not for you. He likes the idea that you're still in orbit around him. He takes comfort in knowing that you're at his beck and call, and while he might call you every now and then that's all you could ever expect from him. Some people thrive on angst -- it's a good way to avoid fully stepping into their lives and being responsible for making the most of what they have. If it wasn't you it would have been someone else filling that role for him -- a role that is specially designed to bring misery to all involved. And there will be someone after you, who will be just as meaningless and replaceable to him as you are.

 

Please don't give him another thought because a) it's fruitless and b) you ought to be asking hard questions of yourself rather than wondering about this other guy. What are you doing to your marriage? Why are you compromising yourself this way? Is this really the kind of person you mean to be?

[Betty Boop]

I guess I can understand why everyone is coming down on me so hard, yet I really wish you would give me a break. This has nothing to do with my marriage, I am a happily married person, and I assume that this is hard to concieve since I had an affair. I was very lonely in the beginning of my marriage, moved to an island where I had no friends. My husband worked 17 hours a day and this affair really helped me and my lonliness. That I feel so deeply for this person was indeed wrong, but when it ended I was committed to moving on . Now the fact that this person inturrupts my marriage again and awakens all these feelings, is indeed wrong, but does no one understand that a heart is usualy the hardest thing to follow. I dont want a divorce. Whn my husband and I are together im vey happy. But it doesnt cease to mean that Im no longer that lonely person with no family and friends. And you all might think that I personally find happoiness in all this but I dont. I want this person to leave me alone and i want my heart to stop belonging to two people. I wish someone could understand that this is not the kind of person I am nor do I wish to be. I just cant control my inner self.

[arthropod]

miss boop . . . i think the majority of the people can understand your feelings and SYMPATHIZE with a situation like this, it's the fact that you ACTED on it that's causing the "hardness" here. i mean, how can you allow something like this to happen, then consider yourself "happily married"?? i have to wonder what your own personal definition of a "happy marriage" . . . or, a "marriage" at all . . . would be.

 

there are things that can be done to avoid this person -- to a point. if you start wanting to change phone numbers and all, then questions will be asked . . . rightfully so! have you actually told this person to LEAVE YOU ALONE??

I guess I can understand why everyone is coming down on me so hard, yet I really wish you would give me a break. This has nothing to do with my marriage, I am a happily married person, and I assume that this is hard to concieve since I had an affair. I was very lonely in the beginning of my marriage, moved to an island where I had no friends. My husband worked 17 hours a day and this affair really helped me and my lonliness. That I feel so deeply for this person was indeed wrong, but when it ended I was committed to moving on . Now the fact that this person inturrupts my marriage again and awakens all these feelings, is indeed wrong, but does no one understand that a heart is usualy the hardest thing to follow. I dont want a divorce. Whn my husband and I are together im vey happy. But it doesnt cease to mean that Im no longer that lonely person with no family and friends. And you all might think that I personally find happoiness in all this but I dont. I want this person to leave me alone and i want my heart to stop belonging to two people. I wish someone could understand that this is not the kind of person I am nor do I wish to be. I just cant control my inner self.