another narcissism thread

[serial muse]

Hey all. At the risk of starting another runaway NPD thread, I've been thinking a lot about this lately. The last time there was a thread about this on here, I read it, thought about my ex, and decided, nah, I'm not jumping on that bandwagon.

 

But he said something to me not so long ago that just totally reoriented my vision. Like a thunderclap. I guess I really did overlook the self-aggrandizement, the "ours is a high and lonely destiny"-type talk, the confusing and contradictory pushing and pulling away from intimacy while I bent myself into a pretzel trying to understand him and match his mood. I knew that he projected an idealized image of himself, and to an extent believed his own mythology, that didn't entirely gel with the guy I knew, but I loved that image, and I thought that having that ideal was a good thing. Frankly, I loved that ideal. I shared it, even. But I knew that any time I contrasted that mythology with the reality (unfavorably or favorably), I got an earful and he shut down for a while. So of course I felt bad about doing it and tried not to.

 

He wanted to be friends when we broke up. I wanted that too, recently, because I thought the potential was there. But when I broached the subject with him, he said it was too soon (fair enough), that he couldn't promise me anything (similar to making dates with him when we were together - sigh), AND - most tellingly, that he thought he probably would someday because he "needs more friends".

 

He's said that sort of thing before. But this time it struck home - I could hear it more clearly, I guess, when it was in the context of friendship than in the context of love.

 

I thought, I have plenty of friends. I wanted to be friends with you specifically, not because I'm experiencing a drought. That's the whole point.

 

I said nothing, though I felt, once again, that my uniqueness was crushed under his need to assert his own.

 

Guess I don't need friends like that.

 

They say survivors of NPD experience something akin to PTSD (to throw around a bunch of letters). That feels about right. After a year of adoring someone who doesn't actually exist and couldn't return my feelings anyway (by his own admission, though he went back and forth on that too...always kept me guessing, the minx!) I feel like I was in love with a phantom. And I feel all twisted around inside.

[blind_otter]

To repeat this phrase - I dunno 'bout all THAT. At least with the PTSD stuff. I've been in therapy for 8 years and I'm still all FUBAR. (How's that for some letters thrown around ) Flashbacks at work are a HUGE BEYOTCH. No one likes to see a shaking/crying person in the bathroom.

 

The thing about abuse - physical or emotional or mental - is that you cannot allow yourself to be in the victim mindset or you will be trapped there. Now is the time for you to be strong, for no one else but yourself. It's important to recognize that this was not your fault, but also acknowledge the part you took in allowing it to happen.

 

I think we all saw red flags. I did, at least at the end. And I let it continue, for many reasons. I didn't protect myself the way I should have. I know what he did was wrong, but it takes two to tango, even in a dance like THAT.

 

This is JMO, and has helped me to get over a severely physically abusive relationship that ended when he went to prison because of what he tried to do to me.

[serial muse]

yeah, i guess i wasn't entirely serious about the ptsd...people throw that one around a lot, to the point where you wonder, as you're getting over a nasty case of stomach flu, whether you don't have a touch of the old ptsd to deal with now.

 

as for owning my part in it - oh, definitely. there are other things in my past that brought me to the point where i ate up the stuff he said...my personal issue is that i tended to blame myself entirely for the whole mess. i spent months wondering how to fix myself, what was wrong with me, why i was unlovable, etc. etc. the whole sad sorry shebang we've heard a gazillion times on this site.

 

thinking about this as a possibility, though, has made me see things in a different light - one in which i'm suddenly not the only screwed up person. and perhaps best of all - suddenly, though i still feel sad and wistful, i do feel less attached. i miss that love, i miss feeling that way - but i have to acknowledge that it came from inside me, that i had a lovely object to focus it on, but it was all me.

 

i think it just helps to acknowledge that what i loved was a kind of phantom - but a beautiful one, indeed. and i do feel that somewhere in there, he hopes to be that man, and i suppose i hope it for him too. there's nothing i can do for him now, though the impulse is still there to try, to help, to save, to soothe. but a.) he wouldn't want that from me anyway, and b.) it's nice to think that, at last, i don't owe it to him after all. it's nice to feel like i don't owe him anything and it's not all my fault.

[blind_otter]

Word.......I feel sadness still, for the man in prison. Sad that he threw his life away for nothing. But that's all he gets from me ever again. so there!

 

white knight syndrome is a serious beyotch.

[serial muse]

white knight syndrome is a serious beyotch.

 

you said it, sister! and believe you me, my arms are getting mighty tired from swinging this sword around. damn thing's heavy as s***.

[In Sync]

I didn't know there was this thread about Narcissist here. Though I feel like I've recovered from the broken relationship I was in with a narcissist..I still feel conflicted and still emotionally wounded by what damge occured from having been with such a personality type. SO much of my identity had been twisted because I was confused by his sudden rages to being charming again. From his total being intimate to being cold and distant. I have wondered if my I had been involved with a personality type of this kind would I have handled the breakup easier. I am often torn from missing the person he was (in the early stages of our relationship..a real charmer) to detesteing this unempathetic and dare I say pathological angry guy who even dared raged at me when I had confess I loved him (Crazy huh?) Do you ever recover from the relationships?

[serial muse]

oh man, in sync, the same thing happened to me when i told him i loved him. you'd think i had just confessed to eating three babies, stir-fried.

 

i don't know if one fully recovers...but i do think the important, and most difficult, part is separating the man-that-is from the man-that-he-projects. my guy was charming and amazing, too...somewhere in there he still is. but it wasn't the whole, or true, him - i can't blame myself for not seeing it at first, but i see it now. and that's all i can do.

[lindya]

Making a relationship work involves accepting that the other person has flaws...and it can be very difficult to establish points where, for instance, slightly egotistical but essentially normal behaviour ventures into the path of unhealthy narcissism. You see the worst side of a narcissistic individual when the relationship ends...and I suppose that tends to be the bit you remember.

 

My ex was someone who tends to provoke dislike in other people. That made me feel quite protective of him (he'd had a troubled life in many ways) so I would focus on continually being supportive of him, defending him against what I viewed as other people's value judgements and shallow perceptions - and not allowing myself to be influenced by them.

 

In return, he provided me with what I was looking for. A safe, unthreatening boyfriend who could play the SNAG role - if not to perfection, then certainly well enough for me to constantly look beyond the prancing twat who ignited other people's irritation. The fact that he placed himself on a pedestal was fine by me...provided he hauled me up there with him - which, of course, he happily pretended to do in order to keep the relationship going for as long as was getting what he needed out of it.

 

In terms of what BO said about taking responsibility, I allowed myself to become emotionally attached to this little man-doll because in some conceited way I believed I had the power to turn him into a real person. I think you have to examine your own motives in these situations and find out what it is in you that resulted in a magnetic attraction to a disordered individual. I spent a long time kind of revelling in a saintly victim role with that guy, and blinding myself to some of the less savoury things about myself that kept me in that situation.

[serial muse]

i agree, lindya, about finding out what the attraction is for you. at first, it was just that, well, ok, he was great. but once i saw the red flags go by, i had to decide whether it was worth it. and i constantly decided yes - why, i'm still not sure. but i think it had something to do with vibrancy - for whatever reason, i felt vibrant with him, and i craved that. needed, perhaps? but not just that, it was more subtle than that i think. i'm not sure.

[In Sync]

serial muse,

 

I have been doing that separating what he originally project to what I experienced what he was...I tell you it was mind boggling. Now that distance is between the realtionship I can see I was deliberately burying his outbursts or moments of rages by denying how hurtful they actually were. I would chalk it up to, maybe it was my fault..maybe I was too clingy (now I know that was me blaming me which allowed it to continue) only I didn't know how or why I didn't walk away. If I do think about the episodes I can literally feel to this day, how shocked my body reacted, to his bullying or anger. I literally clammed up. My thinking was if I loved him more maybe JUST MAYBE he'll be like he was back when I first met him. ANd those moments popped out spoardically and less frequently. Haven't seen or heard from him since October. I feel angry at myself for wondering if he's met someone and is he nicer to that one. Was it me that brought this out. Mind you, I am passive and I feel lack any aggressive tendency whatsowver but was that enough to make him suddenly flip out..and always it was without warning.

[Butterflying]

I read somewhere that the fist step to healing from this abuse is realizing that we DON'T love the person. Instead, we love the person we WANT them to be. It's a make believe image that is impossible to acheive. We get caught up hoping for the dream to come true. It never does. We finally let go. Then we feel stupid for believing it in the first place.

 

Healing is a process. It takes time. But you will get through it!

[In Sync]

I read somewhere that the fist step to healing from this abuse is realizing that we DON'T love the person. Instead, we love the person we WANT them to be.

 

 

That was me...I held on to the image I wanted him to be at my own expense. It was harder to admit to myself that I was actually sleeping and continually seeking affirmation from the same person who could at the drop of a dime berate me than to say, than to admit I was being verbally abused...It seemed implausibel that this could be happening to me. I was in total denial. On top of that..I wasn't exactly telling my girlfriends that Oh the same guy whom I loved being around was being mean to me. How do you explain sticking with him. So it was my mission to not upset him, always smile and be cheerful in th face of his cryptic remarks...on hindsight I think that was making him feel the need to "break me" or find my weak spot..an area I could be vulnerable about, to achieve a point ..and for him a point would be,

be cold when least expected. criticize behind the veil of jokes and always dominate a conversation no matter what my point of view was. I never knew while I was in what mood he'd be in. I tiptoed alot.