6 mos into my second chance but...

[J dub]

I need some help on what to do...

 

Background info...boyfriend & I were together 2 1/2 yrs then he says he wants to take a break. We dont talk for a month (I cut him off entirely with nc) and he begs his way back into my life (and tried very hard to make things go smoothly...initially at least).

 

Fast forward six mos, everything has been going pretty well but he is starting to fall back into his previous routine of being less than attentive and very moody.

 

Basically, I have been going thru some extremely emotional times these past 4 mos for some personal reasons. I finally got a break from it all in January and ever since I've been struggling to get back on my feet and be happy again, and he is taking it personally that I am still not quite myself because he seems to think that my happiness is primarily resting on his actions.

 

Anyway...

 

Last week I told him I didnt want to make a fuss this year on valentines day, and I said "Just write me a cute letter or something like that and I'll be happy". I thought that pretty much spelled it out for him (seeing as usually we do something pretty big, like once he made me dinner and went all out with the gifts/cards, he ALWAYS used to get me flowers or something little at least).

 

Vday rolls around and he tells me to be at his house by a certain time. I am thinking all these cute things that he might have up his sleeve and when I go to pick him up, he hardly gives me a hello as he gets in my car. I am obviously a little confused but tried to be light and make conversation. He wasnt having it, seemed to not want to talk so I kept quiet as well.

 

Turns out he got tickets (thru someone he knows, for free) to a bball game and that was the plan for the night. I hadnt eaten anything since 6 hours previous to all of this because I thought we were going to dinner or something like that. I ask about what we will eat and he kinda shrugs it off that he wasnt really planning on eating at all (anotherwords, he wasnt concerned whether or not I'm hungry). He doesnt ask if i want anything or whatever, and I'm kinda starting to get anxious about what is going on with him.

 

The end of the evening rolls around with no significant attention on his part...he seemed like something was bothering him although he kept asking ME what was wrong (?!). When I went to drop him off, I ask if he had written me like i had asked. He laughed, saying he had not. I was hurt, I didnt ask for anything big and certainly not expensive.

 

As for the game goes, I am sorry but it seems like it was more for him than me as he knows I'm not a huge sports fan. I was happy to be with him though and was trying to look past the fact that he worked the night around his own wishes.

 

I left pretty upset because I had made him alll kinds of goodies, including a home made card which took a lot of time and effort. By the time I got home I was pretty worked up (and had been drinking, by the way) and sent him a text stating that I was a little hurt that he didnt do the one thing I really wanted (which was to show some indication of his feelings, as he is terrible at that usually and I need the reassurance once in a while esp since he was the one who left me that first time). He writes back this snotty response about how if I talk sh*t I can find my own vehicle (he was supposed to help me find a new one as I dont know a thing about cars and he does).

 

I am now hurt because 1) he didnt do the one little thing I asked, 2) he "punished" me because I voiced that I was hurt and 3) he was rude about the whole thing. Now its almost been 24 hours since we last talked and I know he's intentionally not calling me...usually we talk/text at least once thru the day.

 

I dont know what to do...its like I try to tell him when I was upset, and he shoots back this snotty remark and then ignores me (I sent him another text after his saying that his attitude was only making me feel worse about it all, and thanks a lot for sharing the love, to which he never said anything in response to)

 

ok this is getting way too long I'll cut it off:

 

Should I wait for him to cool off and call me, or should I be the one apologizing here? I feel like he is trying to punish me like a child or something, and i didnt do anything! At least, I sure dont see how I did. I definitely wasnt raising a fuss or hardly even mentioning it...

 

Any input/suggestions?

[J dub]

its probably significant to add that the first time around ended because he totally blew me off all the time for other things, treated me rudely and acted like an all around ahole. When he begged for me to take him back, he pleaded with me that he had changed and he saw what he did wrong to make things go sour and he wanted to fix them. He promised he'd never hurt me again, yadda yadda. I was reluctant to believe he had changed because he was pretty terrible at being emotionally supportive very often but I wanted to give it one more shot.

 

I thought things were ok but the past 2 mos or so have been getting pretty testy. Hes significantly less attentive and I suspect "comfortable" now.

[CaliGuy]

J Dub, IMHO what you asked for was something he could have easily done. Seems like he has his needs far and above yours. Personally had someone responded to me like that I'd tell them to hit the bloody road.

 

This is a good example that sometimes a Leopard just can't change it's spots. If he's falling into the same patterns he did that caused the last breakup, just imagine if you married this guy.

 

Take a break. Implement a little NC with him. Don't apologize because what you said was justified. It's Vagina day and you wanted something simple. He couldn't do it for you. Instead of making it a day for you both, he decides to go to a Basketball game?

 

That's my advice. Don't let him disrespect you that way. You deserve a better man, one who appreciates you. Sounds like he's a little towards the jerk end of the spectrum. He's not the ideally balanced man you should be with.

[CaliGuy]

its probably significant to add that the first time around ended because he totally blew me off all the time for other things, treated me rudely and acted like an all around ahole. When he begged for me to take him back, he pleaded with me that he had changed and he saw what he did wrong to make things go sour and he wanted to fix them. He promised he'd never hurt me again, yadda yadda. I was reluctant to believe he had changed because he was pretty terrible at being emotionally supportive very often but I wanted to give it one more shot.

 

I thought things were ok but the past 2 mos or so have been getting pretty testy. Hes significantly less attentive and I suspect "comfortable" now.

 

Screw me once, shame on you.

Screw me twice, shame on me.

 

Just some food for thought.

[J dub]

>what you asked for was something he could have easily done.

 

Thats what I thought too, the lack of doing what I asked seems lazy & careless.

 

>Seems like he has his needs far and above yours.

 

I think he has become very selfish and full of himself lately.

 

>Personally had someone responded to me like that I'd tell them to hit the bloody road.

 

I should have, damn those emotions for not letting me act the way I would had anyone else said something like that to me.

 

>This is a good example that sometimes a Leopard just can't change it's spots. If he's falling into the same patterns he did that caused the last breakup, just imagine if you married this guy.

 

good point...ugh

 

>Take a break. Implement a little NC with him.

 

Think so?

 

>Don't apologize because what you said was justified.

 

Ok...I wont

 

> It's Vagina day and you wanted something simple. He couldn't do it for you.

 

lol I loved the Vagina day, too funny

 

>Instead of making it a day for you both, he decides to go to a Basketball game?

 

Right, WITH me obviously but yes, to a game.

 

>That's my advice. Don't let him disrespect you that way. You deserve a better man, one who appreciates you. Sounds like he's a little towards the jerk end of the spectrum. He's not the ideally balanced man you should be with.

 

Thanks for the suggestions...I just wish I hadnt let all my walls down because its so much easier said than done to walk away...

[CaliGuy]

Thats what I thought too, the lack of doing what I asked seems lazy & careless.

 

It was easily both.

 

I think he has become very selfish and full of himself lately.

 

I don't think you think that, I believe you know that.

 

I should have, damn those emotions for not letting me act the way I would had anyone else said something like that to me.

 

Because he knows he can get away with it now. He's got you back on the hook so he can let his guard down.

 

good point...ugh

 

Right, so how many times are you going to let him play you like this before you say "I respect myself enough to say I am not going to let myself be treated this way!"

 

Think so?

 

Honestly I think you should tell him to hit the road but since I know your heart is in this that's something only you can decide to do. But really, do you want to keep having to remind this guy every few months that he's slipping? You don't want a man you have to babysit and train. If he can't learn this on his own he simply doesn't deserve your time.

 

Ok...I wont

 

Good for you. Stand up for yourself!

 

Right, WITH me obviously but yes, to a game.

 

So like, if it wasn't Vagina day he wouldn't have brought you, right? I'm guessing not.

 

Thanks for the suggestions...I just wish I hadnt let all my walls down because its so much easier said than done to walk away...

 

You let your guard down and so did he. And you're starting to end up right where you left off last time. At some point you have to say that he is what he is and you deserve better.

 

You're a great person, J. Don't let this guy get away with that crap. There's plenty of other great guys out there you won't have to waste your time training.

[Touche]

Wow. He sounds exactly like my ex. I wasted NINE f'ing years with someone just like that! I can never get back those years. It was on and off like that. Always with him pleading, sending flowers and notes and then back to treating me like crap. Watch out because that type ends up being emotionally and verbally abusive (sometimes physical). Has that ever happened? They'll have you doubting yourself over and over again until YOU are apologizing to THEM. That's already happened with you I can see.

 

God, I hope it doesn't take you nine damn years like it took me. What an ass to not even offer you dinner on Vagina Day! Surely, you would never marry someone like this. Really, if he's this way now, believe me when I say it DOES NOT get better...in fact, if you can believe it, it actually gets worse. Because once they marry you, you don't get the times where they beg and are nice. They end up just being ass h*les ALL the time.

 

What a loser.

 

There are two kinds of women in this world: Goddesses and Doormats. Which one do you want to be?

 

If I were you, I'd ignore any further contact from this loser. Don't waste any more time on him. PLEASE don't make the mistake I did. I can never get that time back. Let him be someone else's problem, not yours.

 

Much luck to you. You'll need it because these kinds of losers are sometimes hard to get rid of. You'll need all your strength. We can all help when you need it.

[J dub]

Yeah...strength..I think I forgot what that feels like about 4 mos ago when he slithered his way back into my heart.

 

I think, right now, it's the pain of knowing it'll never work with him that is dragging me thru the mud. And worse is that he's not even bothering to apologize because he sees nothing wrong with how he is. I probably wont hear a peep from him for another month like last time...

 

I'd like to think I'd feel better if he'd become the puppy he was to me a while ago, but hes either on one side of the spectrum or the other...too nice, or too cold.

 

its going to be a long weekend.

[Touche]

Yup, no in between. Nice or a bastard. Those are your choices with a man like this.

 

So what if a month goes by? You'd be lucky if a LIFETIME goes by where you don't hear from him. Don't be like me. I always wanted his approval. I had no self-worth. No women who does would put up with a man like that. I finally got smart in the end. And I really hope you do too.

 

I don't know your story but it sounds like at one point you had strength. That means you will have it again. Don't start thinking about all the times he's so sweet. That's not who he really is. That's what he becomes when he wants to hook you again. Then he can go back to being the ass he REALLY is! Surely you know that by now.

 

And it doesn't have to be a long weekend at all. Only if you decide it will be. Do something totally different. Set the tone for the new you. And every time you can ignore his contact you will weaken a little but if you don't cave in you will feel empowered. But if you weaken, then you will be in for the worst damn rollercoaster of your life. Please don't do that to yourself. Of course I didn't listen to anyone either.

 

Wish I had....

[J dub]

>I always wanted his approval.

 

Oh no, I am like this too...

 

>I had no self-worth.

 

crap...

 

>No women who does would put up with a man like that.

 

youre right! no woman would....wtf am I thinking?!

 

>I finally got smart in the end. And I really hope you do too.

 

How?? What smartened you up? Obviously I am a sucker to his ways otherwise I'd have never fallen for the fakeness to begin with

 

 

>I don't know your story but it sounds like at one point you had strength. That means you will have it again.

 

Oh heck yeah I did, not too long ago I was in control.. Somewhere in the scheme of things I lost track of who I am. Somehow he gets me all soft and nice, when usually I am outspoken and demanding.

 

>Don't start thinking about all the times he's so sweet. That's not who he really is.

 

Youre right its not, he's like a chameleon changing to fit the atmosphere accordingly.

 

>That's what he becomes when he wants to hook you again.

 

Ugh, and boy am I a sucker. WHY!?! sigh...

 

>Then he can go back to being the ass he REALLY is! Surely you know that by now.

 

Yeah, I do. I just didnt want to see it because -- you know, when its good, its really good. But what else is new right?!

 

>And every time you can ignore his contact you will weaken a little but if you don't cave in you will feel empowered.

 

I add up those contacts like a piggy bank, the longer I hold out the more I feel I've accomplished in some strange way. Right now for some reason I feel like I am not in control, I guess because the d0uchebag isnt calling (not tht I am waiting around or anything, but I keep checking my damn phone. Damn you cell phone! I changed all my options on it so his number is completely gone and all his texts are as well. A$$)

 

>But if you weaken, then you will be in for the worst damn rollercoaster of your life.

 

I know, I am on that stupid thing right now, going from pissed, to depressed, to hurt, to denial.

 

>Please don't do that to yourself. Of course I didn't listen to anyone either.

 

I have to know how you got yourself out of this cycle. I know he is toxic for me I can feel it, but he knows me so well. I guess thats part of the wonderfulness that is NC, he has no means of grasping at my heart strings if he cant create running dialogue.

[Touche]

Ok, I really didn't want to tell you this but I'm being honest. How did I get rid of him and get him out of my system? Well, first I married him. My mother always told me (warned me, really) that the way I was going the ONLY way I was going to get rid of him was to marry him. She was right. I learned the hard way. That's why I told you before that all the "nice" stuff would stop if you ever marry him. He had me and didn't have to put on the "nice act" any more.

 

The other thing was that I had dropped out of college but decided to go back. He always made me feel so dumb. He had a genius IQ. He actually had me believing that I WAS dumb. When I went back to college I discovered otherwise. I made all A's. The professors loved my papers. I was praised a lot. It gave me a lot of self-esteem. After awhile I started to see that everything he was telling me really wasn't true. I started standing up to him instead of backing down and apologizing. And that was the beginning of the end. He no longer had me under his control and that was the end of it. Finally.

 

Your story about separating for 6 months rang a bell with me. We separated once for ONE YEAR. I moved away to another state. But the phone calls started, the notes and he would drive 800 miles each way every 2 weeks just to be with me on the weekend. Like you said, when it was good, it was VERY good. But the problem was that it was bad more than it was good. That should have been my first clue that it was all wrong. If it's the right man, then it's good more than it's bad.

 

Oh, he won't go away just yet. He's going to let you cool off and then he'll be back. You must resist him.

 

When it was over with him I was suicidal. Very depressed and I'm not prone to depression. But after that, I met the man who was meant for me. We've been together for 11 years.

 

I still bear emotional scars though from my 9 years with the ex. I hope you don't have to marry him to get rid of him. Can I ask you something? Is he much older than you? Did you have an absent father in some way? You remind me of me. And I've examined my actions in choosing that man over and over. I know now that it stems from childhood issues. My father died when I was only four. The ex was much older than me. So make of that what you will. Is there a similar issue of an absent father in your background? Is this man older than you?

 

That's a great start with wiping out that info on your phone. You can do this. Show him that you're no longer under his control. Because I can almost guarantee he'll be back...sweet as ever. I'll bed he's full of confidence, succesful and good-looking. Thinks he can get whatever he wants. Well, show him that he can't have YOU! You deserve better treatment. Yes, you've been a sucker just like me. But you can redefine yourself. You don't have to be that person who gets kicked around anymore.

 

What kind of man does what HE wants on Valentine's Day? And he knew you weren't that into that activity. What an ass! He just knew you'd put up and shut up I guess.

 

So anyway, I don't think my telling you how I finally got out of that rollercoaster will help you. I mean you shouldn't have to marry someone to get them out of your system. You're going to have to gain some self-worth somehow. If you stay with him he'll stomp on any little bit of self-worth you might have left.

 

You said you are usually outspoken and demanding. He's squashed that in you. Same thing happened to me. It's like I became a little mouse with him. When I left I became the person I really am again. Get yourself back. Don't let him have or take away the person you really are.

 

He's just waiting for you to weaken right now. He'll bide his time. Don't play his game anymore. You have to stay strong. You have to. If you don't, he'll rope you back in with his sweet act and you'll be back on a worse rollercoaster than you feel like you're on now. I guarantee it.

[Touche]

One other thing, Jdub. The title of your thread. Interesting that you say "6 mos into MY second chance..." Not "6 months into OUR second chance.." or "6 months into HIS second chance..."

 

Very interesting, that. That was HIS second chance not yours. He blew it. You must re-orient your thinking on this. HE didn't prove himself to YOU. HE blew it. Not you. That was his second and LAST chance, right?

[J dub]

Wow touche...very interesting. thank you for the replies~

 

Firstly, I dont want to have to marry him to find out the worst of him, thats for sure. What dawned on me today, with the help of my good friend, was that I am giving him too much credit here. Hes not clever enough to be cutesy and kind, only to fall back into being lazy and cold. What he does is he gets too comfortable and he takes me for granted. I do think in his heart he means well, its not like he deliberately ignores me or verbally abuses me or anything. But hes not meeting my emotional requests which leaves me feeling empty.

 

Hes only a year older than myself so he's really not older than me. And no, my dad is actually the primary person who was in my life to raise me. It was my mother who disappeared, ironically enough. Although, I think that had more impact on the way I think/act than it does who I choose to be with. BUT I should probably add that my mom cheated on my dad. They say that women cheat when theyre not getting their needs met (not to justify it tho)...which makes me wonder if I seek out men who are similar to my father just because thats normal, but my father isnt the most emotionally stable person either. In fact, my whole life has been very different than most kids grow up in...the environment I mean. I barely got affection or attention, so now I crave it like crazy.

 

Hes smart, yes...but I am probably a little smarter than he is. I get better grades, so book-smart would be me. But he's very very street smart...so, essentially we balance eachother out in the end. But I digress...

 

Youre right, it was HIS second chance, not mine. He came back to me not the other way around. But I should probably clarify: we were only seperated a little over a month, I meant that we've been back together now for about six months.

 

I still have this pang of detachment whenever I think of him...I miss him a lot but I am incredibly pissed off right now it wouldnt make sense to talk to him even IF he called, which he isnt.

 

Thank you again for the replies...any more is always welcome. I need all the help I Can get.

[UT_longhorn]

J Dub. About 7 years ago....I was your boyfriend. My very first serious relationship. It lasted 5 1/2 years. I had control of her. I knew it. I did it uncounciously. I didn't even know it was happening. Over the years, I asserted myself. I got what I wanted. If she made a fuss, I knew all I had to do was threaten leaving. I don't know when it was...but I just knew I had her under my control. I know this all sounds almost evil, but this was all unconcious...it just evolved into something like this without us even knowing. It's very hard to step outside the relationship and asses the situation when you're living it. Somehow I ended up making her feel insecure. When your man makes you feel insecure, he has even more control of you.

 

She was a smarter girl than me book wise, but again, like your BF...I had the street smarts. She is one of the strongest women that I know. But in the course of the universe, you never know what comes from putting 2 people together. It's almost like throwing dice...the even pairs are harder to come by.

 

She told me she felt unappreciated. She felt uncared for. She felt unspecial. It was frustrating for me that I couldn't treat her the way she wanted. But my the effort did not come to me naturally. It felt forced. In the end, I broke it off. I hurt her so much it sent her into a swirling depression.

 

I dont even know where I am going with this. I just see her pain in your words. She's now about to marry the man of her dreams. A highly successful doctor who she feel is her "one". And guess whos crying now? I now can appreciate her 7 years later for the woman she truly is. A beautiful, intelligent, honest, caring woman. We are good friends and its incredibly painful to watch her so happy with him.

 

Don't loose yourself to this man. don't loose your identity, your time, your tears. Sometimes when things don't feel "right" they usually aren't. There will be a "one" for you. Don't loose that opportunity.

[Touche]

WOW! What a letter UT. Unbelievable. I think you've just helped many, many good women with that letter. It even helped ME and my relationship with "you" has been long over with. Yes, I was also your girlfriend. As I've said...scars still remain eleven years later.

 

Thank you for your honesty. I truly hope you can again find a woman who will love and cherish you ...one who you will also love and cherish in return.

[UT_longhorn]

Thanks for your words Touche.

[J dub]

I dont know if any other women are like this, but this happens to me every time I get deeply involved with someone. I get the sense of urgency to fix problems so as to not cause for more pain down the road. so I take the fault for more than I should, and eat the pain in pursuit of the happiness I am hoping for.

 

Its not HIM that makes me insecure, if I even am in the sense youre suggesting. It's the sense of uncertainty of whats right and wrong. True, I am in it and therefore I am deluded with emotional set backs that dont allow for me to see my situation from an objective point of view. However, I am also portraying my side of the story ONLY. God knows I am terrible at delivering the things he needs too. And he has his needs as well.

 

The other thing that I should address is, he never threatens to leave me. He DID leave me once - although IVE left HIM for smaller amounts of time for other reasons. I am young, indecisive, moody...but when he came back to me a month later he had changed SO much about himself that this "problem" I am having really isnt in hindsight, because he hasnt shown a speck of indication that any of the other issues are still present. I wont get in to it, but for arguements sake he HAS made the effort.

 

Perhaps he is manipulating me...although I think I would have been able to identify that during our month apart where I had lots of time to focus on myself and the past. I dated other men and got a taste for the pure idiotnation it is out there.

 

I am pretty good at glossing over the rockier parts of situations if it favors me to look like the innocent one. I have done some terrible things myself and most of them WERE calculated and controlled.

 

The point of all this is, He's not a wolf in sheep's clothing. If nothing else, he's simply young and indecisive like myself.

 

Now go ahead and flame me for making excuses.

[CaliGuy]

*smacks JDub*

 

He's immature, that's for sure.

He's inconsiderate, that's for sure.

He strung you along long enough for you to be convinced he changed, then he went back to his 'old' self.

 

You're much, much smarter than that. How many chances are you going to give him before you decide you don't want to be played that way?

[UT_longhorn]

JDub...

 

You are the most knowledgeable about your relationship and have the most insight in the relationship. You are probably also the least objective. With that in mind...I doubt you are anywhere close to even wanting to break up with him. It's nice to have him...even though its not all that you want. I understand your position. i would be the same way. There's a possibility that there are better out there...but whos to say that if you leave him you'll find better. right? what if its a mistake to be with him? what if its a mistake to leave him? Those are, I guess, the toughest questions/choices.

[Touche]

*smacks JDub*

 

He's immature, that's for sure.

He's inconsiderate, that's for sure.

He strung you along long enough for you to be convinced he changed, then he went back to his 'old' self.

 

You're much, much smarter than that. How many chances are you going to give him before you decide you don't want to be played that way?

 

I hope she doesn't have to marry him to find out he's no good for her. Sounds like a alcohol/drug issue too with him, am I right?

 

And J Dub, you may have glossed off your part in all this BUT it still doesn't take away from HIS part. The fact of the matter is, is that a man like this brings out the WORST in us. Believe me, I'm not the same person with my husband as I was with my ex. He brought out the very, very worst in me. I'll venture to guess that this guy has the same effect on you.

 

What a dissapointing post, J Dub. You ARE making excuses for him. You'll be the one to suffer. It's a shame. I knew you wouldn't really listen. Like I said, I didn't either when people told me to run. Wished I had listened. You're going to lose years just like I did. So sad.

 

Oh, and UT, you're welcome. Too bad the message fell on deaf ears where J Dub is concerned.

[J dub]

Wow, jump to conclusions...

 

I posted that last point because you guys totally made me feel like I am this little weakling that he is praying off of. It is HARDLY the case -- I am not calling him and crying or begging. I am not even talking to him! It has been silent between us since tuesday and he sent me a text message yesterday about how he was sorry that I was so hurt and he hadnt considered that I would be so disappointed in him, he thought I wanted to forget entirely about valentines day (I did say that, although I am a woman and I say things but mean others). I havent made any moves, or decisions, except that I am taking a step back to evaluate this situation after some time has passed.

 

Your words certainly havent fallen on deaf ears. Take in to consideration for a moment how long it took you to realize that this man wasnt for you...its not that black and white and there are lots of other variables weighting my thoughts down, making it impossible to even get CLOSE to deciding once and for all its over. Do I see that I deserve better? Hell yes! Have I been treated worse than he treats me? Every single man I have been with has done something awful. One even ran off and got married while we were seeing eachother. To me, I am deciding whether or not the good out weighs the bad. I have to sit down and make a pros and cons list, but please dont expect me to make any rash decisions based on a couple of opinions within such a short amount of time. Thats unrealistic and unfair to expect that when we all know that none of us here are able to just walk away from things at the drop of a hat.

 

No, there are not any alcohol or drug issues here at all thankfully . If anything IVE been the alcoholic lately because I lost my job in Aug and went 5 mos in a frenzy trying to regain my self composure. This has taken a strong blow to my self esteem and I've been lashing out left and right at people because of it (btw I did get a much better job where i am way happier anyway, so it all worked out!)

 

Bottom line, I was only looking for opinions and suggestions on what others thought or have experienced. I am definitely taking it all in, and i am definitely not just going to jump back together with him. Give me some credit here, I'm not that much of a pushover.

[J dub]

What a dissapointing post, J Dub. You ARE making excuses for him. You'll be the one to suffer. It's a shame. I knew you wouldn't really listen. Like I said, I didn't either when people told me to run. Wished I had listened. You're going to lose years just like I did. So sad.

I understand what you are saying here, but you learned something from it all did you not? Time may have passed, but you are happier now with what youve brought from the experience. Obviously I am able to sense something is wrong or I wouldnt be here to begin with, I'd be denying it and living my life in the ignorance-is-bliss fashion.

[sanne]

the fact that you are hear is great, but you aren't listening to anyone's advice wholeheartedly. this guy sounds a lot like my ex, and you sound a lot like who I was a year ago.

 

what you don't realize is that they have control over you. they know exactly what to do and what to say to keep you there. it doesn't make any sense because you think your a smart person, and here comes someone who completely destroys your self-esteem and self-worth. it's an addiction and you can't help yourself, but you know deep down that you have to get away from it all.

 

in life, there usually aren't easy answers to our problems. fortunately for you, there is this time. walk.....no RUN far away from this guy.

[Kengne]

Wow, jump to conclusions...

 

I posted that last point because you guys totally made me feel like I am this little weakling that he is praying off of. It is HARDLY the case -- I am not calling him and crying or begging. I am not even talking to him! It has been silent between us since tuesday and he sent me a text message yesterday about how he was sorry that I was so hurt and he hadnt considered that I would be so disappointed in him, he thought I wanted to forget entirely about valentines day (I did say that, although I am a woman and I say things but mean others). I havent made any moves, or decisions, except that I am taking a step back to evaluate this situation after some time has passed.

.

 

Everyone has made really good points but my one point is this:

 

Some men are not mindreaders. Esp when you went out of your way to tell him you wanted to forget abt V-day.

 

And he listened - and that's what he did!

 

Yes it's unfortunate that he didn't write you the card you spec asked for - but you canNOT take him to task for not doing a V-day dinner, flowers etc... You SPECIFICALLY told him NOT to make a big deal when you really DID want him to do smth special.

 

stuff like this is why men don't understand women. because we don't say what we mean, OR mean what we say.

 

He's not Ms Cleo, and I believe your 'test' was unfair and you set him up to fail by making it seem as if v-day wasn't important.

 

I'm NOT trying to attack you or downplay your hurt feelings abt the no-card and bball game - thats a whole 'nutha story. You're totally allowed to feel hurt.

 

But just recognize your role in this - A LITTLE.

 

Now - as for his rude snotty text msg after when you communicated your hurt to him - that IMO was grossly uncalled for and a big no-no for me. But like you said - you have to weigh the pros and cons of your relship and make the decision that works for you.

 

Whether we agree or not.

 

it is YOUR life to live, not ours. Don't try to 'please' us or anyone but yourself.

 

good luck!

 

i know u'll make the right decision - for YOU.

K.

[sami]

Not just "some". Actually most of them.