I am shockingly boring now

[blind_otter]

I don't know, body_odor. Recently I've found your posts/replies more thoughtful and amusing than in the past. Maybe you weren't more fun or interesting before, you just thought you were because you were all hopped up on drugs and what not.

 

I'm thinking, yeah, I'm much more...uh...HERE. now.

 

I get high plannign for my vacation, though. I worry about that.

[serial muse]

I don't know, body_odor. Recently I've found your posts/replies more thoughtful and amusing than in the past. Maybe you weren't more fun or interesting before, you just thought you were because you were all hopped up on drugs and what not.

 

You know, I agree with this. I've actually been around LS since mid-2004 or so, so I did read many of your earlier posts, otter. And while I always thought you had oodles of interesting things to say, I think your more recent posts are maybe crisper or more succinct or more effective or something. Dunno. I like 'em, though. Always fun to read.

 

You're so not boring; stop it.

[mental_traveller]

I've been sober since January. Not that long. I feel kinda really blah all the time. I've become boring. I was talking to a friend who for his own reasons has gotten sober as well and he is miserable, too. The two of us (this isn't my ex, ok...) are "the miserable friends" (I call us that).

 

I don't think I'm depressed. I sleep and eat normally. I'm just... gone. Out to lunch. No spark. Dull.

 

I was examining my feelings yesterday and realized that a large portion of my normal feelings are just not there any more. I feel empty. It's not bad, but kinda trippy. Like I took 5 hits of really good liquid LSD. The kind that went around in freshmint breath freshener bottles when I was younger.

 

I also feel like I am not sociable at all any more. I can go hours without speaking. Sometimes all day. This is not like me at all.

 

 

That's a normal reaction - you no longer have the "fun" stuff that you're used to. Those old escapes to get rid of boredom and emptiness in life are no longer there. The action and buzz you're used to isn't there, so the straight world looks boring by comparison.

 

Why not try to fill those gaps with more healthy things, still stimulating but in a sustainable and non-destructive way? Try something productive - ultimately productive work or leisure activities are more fulfilling than escapist ones like getting drunk or high, although they take more effort/work at first. Why not start writing a bit about your prior life experiences? That's one advantage of having been a drink/drug abuser, you get lots of crazy stories to tell! Your posts here are pretty well written so might be a little project to start up on.

 

Or just take something else creative that you are into, try working on that. It might feel a bit weird and be hard to be disciplined with it at first, but once you get going and do it regularly, you may well find you actually prefer living that way to just pursuing sensory experience. It's a different kind of high but no less stimulating IMO.

[Ladywithafan]

That's a normal reaction - you no longer have the "fun" stuff that you're used to. Those old escapes to get rid of boredom and emptiness in life are no longer there. The action and buzz you're used to isn't there, so the straight world looks boring by comparison.

 

Why not try to fill those gaps with more healthy things, still stimulating but in a sustainable and non-destructive way? Try something productive - ultimately productive work or leisure activities are more fulfilling than escapist ones like getting drunk or high, although they take more effort/work at first. Why not start writing a bit about your prior life experiences? That's one advantage of having been a drink/drug abuser, you get lots of crazy stories to tell! Your posts here are pretty well written so might be a little project to start up on.

 

Or just take something else creative that you are into, try working on that. It might feel a bit weird and be hard to be disciplined with it at first, but once you get going and do it regularly, you may well find you actually prefer living that way to just pursuing sensory experience. It's a different kind of high but no less stimulating IMO.

 

Since I am now becoming quite the boring person as well...but am working on a good suntan (see if the crack doesn't get you, you'll have something else to deal with)...but, I also try to write/type something each week on my experiences down the rabbit hole...and I have a lot of them...just saw the movie, Cocaine Angel, at the film fest here...go to site on web...cocaineangelthemovie.com...anyhow, that was about 24 hours in the life of an addict....I have at least 730 days x 24 hours = 17,520 hours of time spent in stupidity of motion about which there have been some hilarious happenings...

 

Sometimes writing about them helps remind me of why I want/need to be boring...and ....other times, it becomes very painful looking back at how recklessly I put myself out there...

[blind_otter]

Hah! I could write about my marriage to my dealer.

 

I remember when he got 1000 qualuudes and I spent a week of my life going to class, work, and being around other people making an absolute jackass out of myself. I don't remember the details, though. Lost a whole week of my life.

 

He would wake me up at random intervals with handfuls of pills under my face. Do you want to go UP? Or do you want to get DOWN?

 

The thing I deal with all the time is SHAME.

 

I am ashamed of how I acted, what a fool I was. How ridiculous I must have looked and acted.

 

Two days after I got my wisdom teeth out (Three of them were impacted) I was up doing coke for three days straight. What a f***ing idiot. We would eat pills, xanax, painkillers, to medicate the side effects of the cocaine away. So you could keep going for days and then, your body would just collapse. You could be driving, watching a movie, snorting a line, and people would just fall over wherever they were and pass out for hours.

[tinktronik]

what good is shame doing you? It not doing any good, your not acting that way now so stop beating yourself up over it.

[Art_Critic]

The thing I deal with all the time is SHAME.

 

Letting go of some of past can make that go away.. While you want to keep some bad memories alive to remind yourself why you want to stay sober you should try and close those that make yourself feel shame or emabarrasment.

 

They are not the true B_O.. the true B_O is a wonderful caring person that wouldn't do those things unless the alcohol or drugs were in her system.

 

I used to feel shame about the things that I did to my family while drunk/drinking..

I learned thru substance abuse counseling and AA that I needed to forgive myself..I finally did and the feelings that I had disappeared

 

[blind_otter]

I guess it's like I remember things now and I'm like, Oh my God. Did I do that?

 

Did I actually go into work coked up? Did I actually run tothe bathroom 8 times an hour and think no one knew? Jeez. I know I know. let it go. I remember so I won't do it again, but I need to move past this shame.I feel on some level that it's my burden. My sponsor has also talked with me about letting go. It's one of the bigger obstacles for me, because I think that my inability to "let go" was one of the reasons for my drinking.

[Art_Critic]

I guess it's like I remember things now and I'm like, Oh my God. Did I do that?

 

Did I actually go into work coked up? Did I actually run tothe bathroom 8 times an hour and think no one knew? Jeez. I know I know. let it go. I remember so I won't do it again, but I need to move past this shame.

 

Your not that person anymore.. She was the really truly Blind Otter

[Ladywithafan]

I guess it's like I remember things now and I'm like, Oh my God. Did I do that?

 

Did I actually go into work coked up? Did I actually run tothe bathroom 8 times an hour and think no one knew? Jeez. I know I know. let it go. I remember so I won't do it again, but I need to move past this shame.I feel on some level that it's my burden. My sponsor has also talked with me about letting go. It's one of the bigger obstacles for me, because I think that my inability to "let go" was one of the reasons for my drinking.

 

 

Oh my god...imagine this snippet...car gone for a week, had to report it stolen, got a rental, had to go get $ to pay bf's dealer, took dealer's wife with me to bank...come back to my house only to see my landlord & police in driveway...we took dealer's car to bank..so here's Dealer's wife doing the purse dump...I'm checking to make sure I've got nothing in mine...get out of car & ask innocently..."what's going on?"

 

"Are you Mrs. G???"

"yes"

"Your landlord would like to know where the stove went"

"we already told him....and he knows that we're moving out & he can keep my security deposit ($1,500/very nice stove) and we're moving out...

"Can we look in your purse?"

"sure"

"why do you have $3,000 in cash in your purse?"

"because I'm getting evicted and I need first, last & security to rent my next home..."

"what do you do for a living, Mrs. G?'

"I'm divorced, I do alimony...."

"what's your x-husband do?"

"he's a doctor and he screws nurses and gets them pregnant..."

Officers look at each other....then back at me...have no further questions and we just continued to pay the dealer for our rocks and get high while we moved out.....

 

 

I have a lot of issues to let go of myself...sometimes I wonder how I made it through myself...guess I must have some kind of purpose!

[blind_otter]

Oh man. I had to report my car stolen once. A guy I partied with asked to borrow my car for 10 minutes to drive down the street and back to cash his check. He even left his girlfriend's cellphone with me as collateral. I was stranded at work. Had to call the cops. Then the guy shows up with the car.

 

His hair was all crazy, his eyes were all crazy (You know what I'm talking about). He had some bulls*** story. The cops just rolled their eyes. Look at the junkies arguing!

 

pathetic.

[Ladywithafan]

Oh man. I had to report my car stolen once. A guy I partied with asked to borrow my car for 10 minutes to drive down the street and back to cash his check. He even left his girlfriend's cellphone with me as collateral. I was stranded at work. Had to call the cops. Then the guy shows up with the car.

 

His hair was all crazy, his eyes were all crazy (You know what I'm talking about). He had some bulls*** story. The cops just rolled their eyes. Look at the junkies arguing!

 

pathetic.

 

 

My bf rented the 2001 4runner for a crack rental, I had to go down to the police station to report it stolen...took a hit before going in...and who do I have to sit down to the round table with? The BIGGEST, MEANEST, IA/CI/Warrant Officers you've ever seen...how do they grow them that big???

 

They ask me the whole story, I, to the best of my ability, said, "I did not say T could have the truck."

 

"Would you take a lie detector test on that, Mrs. G?"

 

"YES!!!"

 

Studying me, probably had all the paperwork on me & my love from the adjoining county...mine, all speeding tickets, his, arrests for paraphenialia, bad checks...you name it...all racked up in 6 mo. time of this substance...anyhow...

 

They were happy with my response, but always wondered if they knew I was high, at the time...but, hey...it was a brand new truck, on a lease...you don't even want to know what prompted the purchase...that's another story... :laugh:

[littlekitty]

Letting go of some of past can make that go away.. While you want to keep some bad memories alive to remind yourself why you want to stay sober you should try and close those that make yourself feel shame or emabarrasment.

 

They are not the true B_O.. the true B_O is a wonderful caring person that wouldn't do those things unless the alcohol or drugs were in her system.

 

I used to feel shame about the things that I did to my family while drunk/drinking..

I learned thru substance abuse counseling and AA that I needed to forgive myself..I finally did and the feelings that I had disappeared

 

 

That's a really good post A_C. Anyone moving on from a different part of life can be carrying shame with them. It keeps you down, like a weight on your shoulders. And it stays even after those around have long forgiven or forgotten.

 

The only person who can set you free from that shame is yourself. And like A_C says, the only way is to learn to forgive yourself. I had to do it. And boy was it hard work.... but I got there in the end.