Spleen Posted February 16, 2006 Share Posted February 16, 2006 I'm extremely shy, socially phobic really, and have a hard time saying "no" or turning someone down, I guess to avoid conflict. I've carried on entire relationships because I wasn't able to tell them in the beginning I wasn't feeling it... hoping maybe the next time I could turn them down. I know, it's bad. That's just how dorky I am when it comes to speaking up for myself. I've gotten a little better though, it's something I'm working on. Anyways, here's the latest one. Last week, we had this guy temporarily fill in a position at my office from one of our other offices far away. We had maybe one five-minute (or less) conversation. This week, he is back in the other office, but sent me an email out of nowhere, saying, "Hi, it's so-and-so, the guy from last week. How are you?" I responded briefly, "I'm well, thanks." And to not seem short, I asked, "Are you back in the [other] office?" He responded and said yeah, and that he really liked it here compared to there, and asked if I've ever been there (where he's from). I responded, "yeah, a few times..." and we wrote back and forth 2 more times, me out of cordiality, just general conversation about the areas we live in, since he asked for recommendations for next time he's over here. Then he goes, "next time I'm up there, I should ask you for a tour." And that he would have talked to me more but I'm very quiet. Normally in the past I would have been clueless, or not wanting to be presumptuous as to his intentions and thought oh, how nice, what a cool guy. But it's obvious now to me that he's interested. I'm not... And I don't want to lead the guy on, getting his hopes up. Ignoring him here on out seems rude to me, and he does seem like a very genuinely nice, cool guy. I'd hate to be mean. But is that the best way? Is there a nice way to imply that I am not interested... and end the "friendly" conversations without seeming like a jerk? Or do I need to be more straightforward? Any suggestions would help. ^^ Thx. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnM Posted February 16, 2006 Share Posted February 16, 2006 lol don't wanna hi-jack or anything but while anyones making replies is there a nice method for turning girls down? Like when one is trying to come onto you (in want of a better phrase) but you're not interested. I'm kinda like Spleen here in that i'm too nice and end up not being able to cut them off Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted February 16, 2006 Share Posted February 16, 2006 Point blank tell them: I am just not interested or ready for a relationship even a minor one at this time. A slight sting perhaps but much better than leading people along. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnM Posted February 16, 2006 Share Posted February 16, 2006 what if they're friends of friends? I'd feel uncomfortable the next time they're out with me after giving them gave such a harsh knockback. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted February 16, 2006 Share Posted February 16, 2006 Just tell them you are not in shape for a relationship right now and it would not be fair to them to enter into even a hint of one. Or tell them that you cannot date until the mother ship returns to give you your mission orders. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnM Posted February 16, 2006 Share Posted February 16, 2006 All hail the mothership *Dons his shades and knee high boots* Link to post Share on other sites
933KJL Posted February 16, 2006 Share Posted February 16, 2006 Personally, I don't see where this is a come on at all. I see it as a friendly deal. If you give him the realtionship deal, it may bite you in the ass if that is not his intention. Why not reply somethign like this..."Hey, next time you are out here, give me some notice and my (boyfriend/fiance/lesbian lover) and I would love to show you around to some great places." You have now made it clear you are off of his radar, you did not need to kick him in the nads to do it, and you did not risk yourself sounding like an ass if you misread it. Link to post Share on other sites
salmagundi Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 I absolutely agree with teh above poster. This is hands down the best way to let someone down because its definitive but it lets them off without making them actually feel rejected. You've got a bf/gf? Oh...oh well...nothing I can do about that... And the best part is you just drop it into a conversation so its not even like a formal denial/rejection. Link to post Share on other sites
933KJL Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 Yay Me!!! Lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author Spleen Posted February 17, 2006 Author Share Posted February 17, 2006 Thanks for the replies, it helps. Right, that's exactly one of my concerns... that if I bring up the word "relationship" it would be presumptuous at this point... because he could be like, "wth, I never said I was interested in you that way." Then yeah I'd feel like an @ss. lol. But at the same time, I'm afraid of letting it develop to the point where he'd even ask me if I was interested or anything, because then I really would have to let him down and that'd suck because it's really hard for me to communicate that. >_< Bleh, it's just happened to me more than a couple times... where I'm clueless in a friendship with a guy and I think everything's just fine, until it turns out they want more than friendship. Then I end up losing friends because they find they can't maintain a friendship when they have feelings there and I don't. So I'm a little paranoid, too. Maybe I'm overthinking it. Now that I think of it, I actually have used the "my bf and I could show you around" line once before, and it worked. But I still felt like a jerk lol. I think it's the actual rejecting part that freaks me out. Then again, this one is over email so it's not as bad as irl. I'll keep you posted as to what happens. ^_^ Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 Spleen, Understand one thing about men: usually, you are in some kind of social or professional situation where you're just talking about business and mundane things related to everyday life, a guy almost always has an agenda. A man should not apologize for that agenda, but nevertheless, that's what it is. You should not apologize for not wanting to return the favor. It wasn't your choice for him to come to you, he just did. You didn't lead him on, but you may if you start trying to be too, too nice here. Sometimes being straight up honest is just the best thing, or at the very least make sure the guy gets the picture. Stop returning his emails unless they're related to work, or just cut it short and say 'Busy, dude.' That's the most merciful thing you can do here, I think. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Spleen Posted February 17, 2006 Author Share Posted February 17, 2006 Thanks, that makes sense. Yeah... the first email was just out of nowhere, "Hi, it's me. How are you?" and was not work related, and being that I only interacted with him for about 5 minutes, and an occasional "hi," in the hallway, I figured he's probably trying to get to know me on a personal level. Pleasant guy and all, I'm sure he's great, but I'm not ready to date right now; I need to be single for a while to get my act together. I have such a hard time not being "nice" and I guess that gets interpreted the wrong way, getting their hopes up. I don't mean to! lol. But sheesh, I almost had an anxiety attack last time I had to give a guy the "I don't want to date" speech.... Yeah, I'll really try to keep it professional and not overly nice. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 If it's as casual as you say it is, just dont reply right away to his emails. You can reply, but drag it out. If it ever progressed to a point where he asked you out on a date, then i'd simply be upfront and say "Sorry, I just dont feel the same chemistry". Trust me, the sooner you are honest with them the easier everything goes. Coming up with an excuse of "I'm not ready to date" might back fire on you if say a week from now a new intern shows up and you have the total hots for him. The old guy will know you lied and feel even worse about the rejection and might even get mad enough to spread gossip. Telling someone no is _not_ being mean. Thinking you have to say yes because you think you are gods gift to the world and he'll be devastated because you reject him is being egocentric and mean. I'm sure you have liked people who have not returned the feelings. Everyone gets rejected sometimes. You just need to learn the signs and be compeltely honest yourself. You can even use that as your line. "I'm going to be completely honest here. I just dont feel the chemistry, I'm sorry". Most ppl will walk away saying "Wow she was honest! That's pretty cool" and be happy you didnt play games. BUT you can only do this when there is concrete evidence that he's into you. Otherwise, just cut the conversations brief and very business like. Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 Honesty is always the best policy. People will respect your "no" if it is honest and not malicious. Don't give him the "I'm not ready to date right now" line if he asks you for a date. Just thank him for asking but that you want to keep your relationship on a business level. Link to post Share on other sites
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