Resentment and guilt

[Steph21]

So here's the basic story, kind of long, sorry.

 

My mother is "mentally ill" and frequently did stupid things when I was younger. This landed my younger sister and me in a homeless shelter once and in various other undesirable situations. Really, if it wasn't for my dad we'd probably be dead (they're divorced now, he has issues too).

 

Now I'm 21 and my mom is in one of her "good phases." She has bipolar disorder, with schitzophrenic aspects, but the major diagnosis is bipolar because she has the ability to do really well for pretty long periods of time before she gets weird again. This is inevitable, I realize. Everyone always thinks she's doing so well and will never get sick again, but she always does. And it's at the most unexpected times.

 

This past summer she tried to commit suicide (has done this before) and it sent me into an emotional shock mode. I did some really stupid things in my own life during this time.

 

I'm just so sick of having this unstable person in my life. It has caused me so much trouble. I feel like I'm an adult and just want to distance myself, but I'm a person who feels guilt pretty easily. Her parents, my grandparents, are always pushing me to be closer to her, saying she "needs me." They are also helping me financially, so in a way I feel like they're using that as payment for me to take care of her or something (which they would never admit). I have always been close to my mom and that makes it so hard when she has these episodes. It sickens me that I invest so much in our relationship and then she just turns completely self-destructive and is very rude/ignorant toward me when she's sick.

 

I'm in college and have had a pretty rough year because of her. I want to do well for myself, but I have been having trouble focusing in school and also intimacy issues with others in my life. I'm a smart person, but I feel like I will amount to nothing and end up alone. I hate talking to my mother. She calls me everyday. In a way I feel like she wants me to fail at life so I will take care of her. It seems to always just so happen that she goes completely crazy when I am doing really well in my life and very happy with how things are going. Last summer, just before her episode, I wrote in my diary that I was the happiest I had ever been. Then my life went into chaos because of all the things I had to suddenly take responsibility for due to her illness. This might sound terrible, but I have to admit that I wish she would have succeeded with the suicide. This gives me a lot of guilt but it's true.

 

Am I being selfish? Or is distancing myself from her a good idea? If so, how is a good way to do this? She is very clingy to me and I sometimes have nothing but hate for her because of everything she's put me through.

[NatoPMT]

Hi Steph

 

The guilt and resentment I understand - i also understand being pushed towards a parent and your resistance to it.

 

You feel resistance for a damn good reason, you are resisting being the person your mother 'needs' becuase it has caused you problems time and time again. My dad's gf is a potential bipolar (without diagnosis) and its the first time i have come into contact with it, so i know very little on how to deal with it although my father has now ended things with her, she is constantly on the phone threatening suicide which is terrifying.

 

I do know that if you bend to the demands of your other family members, they will continue to use you for the job they should also be doing. Its just as much their responsibility as yours to look after your mum. And does your younger sister take any responsibility for your mum? This shouldnt all be on your head, although i am responsible for my mum as my sister is much better than me at refusing to help when it doesnt suit her - so it gets left to me. I have allowed her to do this to me

 

You need to find your boundaries, tell your mum you will talk to her at whatever frequency per week you feel appropriate - then stick to it. Don't pick up the phone more per week than you have said you will. This is having a detrimental effect on your life so you need to minimise that detriment while still doing the best you can for her.

 

What help does your mum have and how much do you need to spread between your other family? can you work up a plan for all four of you to keep in contact and do whats needed to be done? All of you should have equal - it could benefit your mum to know the boundaries too and she may be picking up on your reluctance and resistance which could be making her more anxious.

 

Good luck