No sex - no love

[TheCrusher]

I am a 31 year old in a now 9 month relationship with a wonderful 30 year old guy. First off I think of myself as not the typical male, meaning I put value in LTRs and I am able to commit totally to the person I am in love without being tempted to stray. My partner sees commitment in the same light, that is one of our major attractions.

 

I have about 3 issues I feel are all interlinked: Lack of intimacy, lack of affection, his wandering eyes. I try to get him to think in the direction of working on these issues by sending him articles on working out problems and initiating discussion. He disregards the articles I send, not even reading them and he often gets angry in discussions, often saying we should just break up because I am not happy. I am happy with the remainder of our relationship! It is great! I just have these things that really bother me and I need certain things to make me happy and comfortable.

 

Lack of affection and caring: I am a very loving person who is totally full of the one I love. I shower him with kisses, baby talk, cute little pet names, confessions of my love and attraction, compliments and devoted attention. I do sweet things such as leave love notes around for him to find, bring him flowers and gifts regularly and I constantly try to think of things that would make him happy and feel loved. On the other hand, he rarely does any of these things. His example of affection is him coming home from work, saying ‘hi baby’, usually not giving me a kiss until I ask for one, then sitting on the couch or in front of the computer wondering why I am in a funny mood. The same turn of events happen each morning as well. He gives the animals more attention and signs of affection such as spontaneous little kisses, hugs, professions of love and cute baby talk like “how’s my woobie” than he does me. I have identified all of these issues with no attempts of resolution. I am not saying he doesn’t give me affection, it is just really sporadic. He treats me more like a friend than a partner.

 

Wandering eyes: We cannot go anywhere, watch TV, go on a date – anything without him looking at and commenting on a someone’s good looks and sex appeal. This makes me feel unappreciated, unattractive (although I know I am not), degraded and generally disrespected. There is also an issue of him looking at porn. I have asked him not to do these things but he does not care to stop hurting me. I told him this hurts me but he doesn’t understand. He comes back with “you look at guys” (maybe but I don’t ogle) and you look at porn (this is a last resort relief of sexual tension – see lack of intimacy below).

 

Lack of intimacy: The common denominator here is the lack of sexual attraction on his part, or he says he is really inhibited and unable to show his attraction for me. I do know (because he told me) that in his last relationship of three years, he was able to maintain a sexual relationship that included sexual activity almost nightly. Furthermore, he will “please himself ” daily if given the privacy and time to look at porn instead of being with me – even with me waiting in the bedroom. Therefore, his sexual inhibition plea holds no water for the most part.

 

We have sexual encounters about once a week or less. I always initiate and it is a real struggle to get him in the mood. He has a list of do’s and don’ts I have to follow or it is usually a no go. His hit list is as follows: Has to start with kissing; it needs to be at night before we go to sleep; cannot be pre-planned or discussed beforehand – totally spontaneous; I have to be the initiator and be the active person, he basically just lays there and does not explore, caress, touch, feel etc. – he just engages in the act with no foreplay.. To me, this seems totally planned. I have to watch myself as to not make the wrong move and be too forward. I cannot just do what comes naturally to me. This leads me to feel I have to force him to be with me, and when we do it is boring because of his lack of enthusiasm, exploration, etc.… He does know what I want in bed but he does not attempt to fulfill while I feel I am constantly trying to do what he says he needs.

 

I feel all of these things are linked and the root is intimacy. For instance, if we were intimate more often and he initiated at least 10% of the time, I would feel comfortable with him looking at other men because I would know he was attracted to me too, just saying it when I express concern is not an answer.

 

Im I crazy or is he really odd? What the heck can I do??

[Dave]

Are you male? If you are, maybe your partner is not as gay as you are. If you are female, then I guess he does not ahve htos for you...Either case.. go look for somoene else, you dont want anyone who does not appreciate you and what you give...you deserve better, be it a guy or a woman..good luck

 

I am a 31 year old in a now 9 month relationship with a wonderful 30 year old guy. First off I think of myself as not the typical male, meaning I put value in LTRs and I am able to commit totally to the person I am in love without being tempted to stray. My partner sees commitment in the same light, that is one of our major attractions. I have about 3 issues I feel are all interlinked: Lack of intimacy, lack of affection, his wandering eyes. I try to get him to think in the direction of working on these issues by sending him articles on working out problems and initiating discussion. He disregards the articles I send, not even reading them and he often gets angry in discussions, often saying we should just break up because I am not happy. I am happy with the remainder of our relationship! It is great! I just have these things that really bother me and I need certain things to make me happy and comfortable. Lack of affection and caring: I am a very loving person who is totally full of the one I love. I shower him with kisses, baby talk, cute little pet names, confessions of my love and attraction, compliments and devoted attention. I do sweet things such as leave love notes around for him to find, bring him flowers and gifts regularly and I constantly try to think of things that would make him happy and feel loved. On the other hand, he rarely does any of these things. His example of affection is him coming home from work, saying 'hi baby', usually not giving me a kiss until I ask for one, then sitting on the couch or in front of the computer wondering why I am in a funny mood. The same turn of events happen each morning as well. He gives the animals more attention and signs of affection such as spontaneous little kisses, hugs, professions of love and cute baby talk like "how's my woobie" than he does me. I have identified all of these issues with no attempts of resolution. I am not saying he doesn't give me affection, it is just really sporadic. He treats me more like a friend than a partner. Wandering eyes: We cannot go anywhere, watch TV, go on a date -- anything without him looking at and commenting on a someone's good looks and sex appeal. This makes me feel unappreciated, unattractive (although I know I am not), degraded and generally disrespected. There is also an issue of him looking at porn. I have asked him not to do these things but he does not care to stop hurting me. I told him this hurts me but he doesn't understand. He comes back with "you look at guys" (maybe but I don't ogle) and you look at porn (this is a last resort relief of sexual tension -- see lack of intimacy below). Lack of intimacy: The common denominator here is the lack of sexual attraction on his part, or he says he is really inhibited and unable to show his attraction for me. I do know (because he told me) that in his last relationship of three years, he was able to maintain a sexual relationship that included sexual activity almost nightly. Furthermore, he will "please himself " daily if given the privacy and time to look at porn instead of being with me -- even with me waiting in the bedroom. Therefore, his sexual inhibition plea holds no water for the most part. We have sexual encounters about once a week or less. I always initiate and it is a real struggle to get him in the mood. He has a list of do's and don'ts I have to follow or it is usually a no go. His hit list is as follows: Has to start with kissing; it needs to be at night before we go to sleep; cannot be pre-planned or discussed beforehand -- totally spontaneous; I have to be the initiator and be the active person, he basically just lays there and does not explore, caress, touch, feel etc. -- he just engages in the act with no foreplay.. To me, this seems totally planned. I have to watch myself as to not make the wrong move and be too forward. I cannot just do what comes naturally to me. This leads me to feel I have to force him to be with me, and when we do it is boring because of his lack of enthusiasm, exploration, etc.& He does know what I want in bed but he does not attempt to fulfill while I feel I am constantly trying to do what he says he needs. I feel all of these things are linked and the root is intimacy. For instance, if we were intimate more often and he initiated at least 10% of the time, I would feel comfortable with him looking at other men because I would know he was attracted to me too, just saying it when I express concern is not an answer. Im I crazy or is he really odd? What the heck can I do??

[Artlover]

This guy sounds like he has some MAJOR intimacy issues. It sounds like he is not giving you virtually anything that you need or want from this relationship. Why are you with him? Whether he loves you and has intimacy issues or whether he is just a jerk doesn't really matter at this point. He's not treating you in the way you deserve. I hope you know this, because if you don't you have some serious self worth issues as well.

 

Making love is supposed to be a warm, loving act between two people who love each other, not a one sided affair where one person calls all the shots and manipulates the other. This is extremely unhealthy for both of you. Get out!

Are you male? If you are, maybe your partner is not as gay as you are. If you are female, then I guess he does not ahve htos for you...Either case.. go look for somoene else, you dont want anyone who does not appreciate you and what you give...you deserve better, be it a guy or a woman..good luck

[little d]

Hi Crusher

 

You have just listed what you deem as important in a relationship right?

 

Would you you like to be in a relationship without intimacy, affection, or trust?

 

Probably not otherwise you wouldn't have posted.

 

So why are you there?

 

You have tried to discuss this with him and without any type of comprimise what's left?

 

If these things aren't as important to your partner then you have to remember that you can not change him, you can only find someone better suited to you.

 

Why pretend to be happy in a relationship without the major components of a/ANY relationship. Your needs are not being met. So you need to decide how to meet your needs.

 

I think you have just listed all the reasons you shouldn't be with this guy.

 

Good luck,

 

d

 

I am a 31 year old in a now 9 month relationship with a wonderful 30 year old guy. First off I think of myself as not the typical male, meaning I put value in LTRs and I am able to commit totally to the person I am in love without being tempted to stray. My partner sees commitment in the same light, that is one of our major attractions. I have about 3 issues I feel are all interlinked: Lack of intimacy, lack of affection, his wandering eyes. I try to get him to think in the direction of working on these issues by sending him articles on working out problems and initiating discussion. He disregards the articles I send, not even reading them and he often gets angry in discussions, often saying we should just break up because I am not happy. I am happy with the remainder of our relationship! It is great! I just have these things that really bother me and I need certain things to make me happy and comfortable. Lack of affection and caring: I am a very loving person who is totally full of the one I love. I shower him with kisses, baby talk, cute little pet names, confessions of my love and attraction, compliments and devoted attention. I do sweet things such as leave love notes around for him to find, bring him flowers and gifts regularly and I constantly try to think of things that would make him happy and feel loved. On the other hand, he rarely does any of these things. His example of affection is him coming home from work, saying 'hi baby', usually not giving me a kiss until I ask for one, then sitting on the couch or in front of the computer wondering why I am in a funny mood. The same turn of events happen each morning as well. He gives the animals more attention and signs of affection such as spontaneous little kisses, hugs, professions of love and cute baby talk like "how's my woobie" than he does me. I have identified all of these issues with no attempts of resolution. I am not saying he doesn't give me affection, it is just really sporadic. He treats me more like a friend than a partner. Wandering eyes: We cannot go anywhere, watch TV, go on a date -- anything without him looking at and commenting on a someone's good looks and sex appeal. This makes me feel unappreciated, unattractive (although I know I am not), degraded and generally disrespected. There is also an issue of him looking at porn. I have asked him not to do these things but he does not care to stop hurting me. I told him this hurts me but he doesn't understand. He comes back with "you look at guys" (maybe but I don't ogle) and you look at porn (this is a last resort relief of sexual tension -- see lack of intimacy below). Lack of intimacy: The common denominator here is the lack of sexual attraction on his part, or he says he is really inhibited and unable to show his attraction for me. I do know (because he told me) that in his last relationship of three years, he was able to maintain a sexual relationship that included sexual activity almost nightly. Furthermore, he will "please himself " daily if given the privacy and time to look at porn instead of being with me -- even with me waiting in the bedroom. Therefore, his sexual inhibition plea holds no water for the most part. We have sexual encounters about once a week or less. I always initiate and it is a real struggle to get him in the mood. He has a list of do's and don'ts I have to follow or it is usually a no go. His hit list is as follows: Has to start with kissing; it needs to be at night before we go to sleep; cannot be pre-planned or discussed beforehand -- totally spontaneous; I have to be the initiator and be the active person, he basically just lays there and does not explore, caress, touch, feel etc. -- he just engages in the act with no foreplay.. To me, this seems totally planned. I have to watch myself as to not make the wrong move and be too forward. I cannot just do what comes naturally to me. This leads me to feel I have to force him to be with me, and when we do it is boring because of his lack of enthusiasm, exploration, etc.& He does know what I want in bed but he does not attempt to fulfill while I feel I am constantly trying to do what he says he needs. I feel all of these things are linked and the root is intimacy. For instance, if we were intimate more often and he initiated at least 10% of the time, I would feel comfortable with him looking at other men because I would know he was attracted to me too, just saying it when I express concern is not an answer. Im I crazy or is he really odd? What the heck can I do??

[TheCrusher]

Well, yes I am a male. I wanted to keep that hidden because I wanted truely unbiased respose, please do not let it do so. He is gay, he does not look at women. His last partner of 3 years was a man and they had alot of sexual contact.

Are you male? If you are, maybe your partner is not as gay as you are. If you are female, then I guess he does not ahve htos for you...Either case.. go look for somoene else, you dont want anyone who does not appreciate you and what you give...you deserve better, be it a guy or a woman..good luck

[TheCrusher]

Point taken D. I just keep thinking just a little more time and.... Hmm... Did you read the response to the very first posting? It is not totally without affection. I totally trust him, he would never.. But you are right in the fact that you cannot change someone.. I want him to realize the situation and change himself.. Wrong I guess.

Hi Crusher You have just listed what you deem as important in a relationship right? Would you you like to be in a relationship without intimacy, affection, or trust? Probably not otherwise you wouldn't have posted. So why are you there? You have tried to discuss this with him and without any type of comprimise what's left? If these things aren't as important to your partner then you have to remember that you can not change him, you can only find someone better suited to you. Why pretend to be happy in a relationship without the major components of a/ANY relationship. Your needs are not being met. So you need to decide how to meet your needs. I think you have just listed all the reasons you shouldn't be with this guy. Good luck, d

[TheCrusher]

Artlover,

 

Again, point taken. I am considering. Just want him to try... Guess I am hanging on to nothing. The other half, us having fun togethr and him truely loving me (I know he does) is just really nice. Hmmm.. Self worth issues. Maybe right. Ouch

This guy sounds like he has some MAJOR intimacy issues. It sounds like he is not giving you virtually anything that you need or want from this relationship. Why are you with him? Whether he loves you and has intimacy issues or whether he is just a jerk doesn't really matter at this point. He's not treating you in the way you deserve. I hope you know this, because if you don't you have some serious self worth issues as well. Making love is supposed to be a warm, loving act between two people who love each other, not a one sided affair where one person calls all the shots and manipulates the other. This is extremely unhealthy for both of you. Get out!

[Daisy]

Hi Crusher,

 

After reading all your postings, my take is that he's not going to change. Maybe you should sit down and personally weigh the good vs. bad in this relationship. Do you really think you can keep on loving this man if he continues to behave this way? Because believe me, he's not going to change. No matter how much you WANT him to. No matter how much to TELL him to. No matter how much you talk about it. He has to realize the problem before any problem can be changed ... and from my experience, it takes a long time for a person to realize that THEY are doing something wrong. Some people's nature is just this way. They have a hard time self-analyzing.

 

In any event, you need to be honest with yourself about whether or not you can continue to be with a man that has little interest in your feelings, sexual and otherwise. As an outsider looking in, it looks like he really doesn't care about your feelings, even after you present your desires and wishes to him. Is he worth it?

 

Artlover, Again, point taken. I am considering. Just want him to try... Guess I am hanging on to nothing. The other half, us having fun togethr and him truely loving me (I know he does) is just really nice. Hmmm.. Self worth issues. Maybe right. Ouch