No sex - no love

[TheCrusher]

I am a 31 year old in a now 9 month relationship with a wonderful 30 year old guy. First off I think of myself as not the typical male, meaning I put value in LTRs and I am able to commit totally to the person I am in love without being tempted to stray. My partner sees commitment in the same light, that is one of our major attractions.

 

I have about 3 issues I feel are all interlinked: Lack of intimacy, lack of affection, his wandering eyes. I try to get him to think in the direction of working on these issues by sending him articles on working out problems and initiating discussion. He disregards the articles I send, not even reading them and he often gets angry in discussions, often saying we should just break up because I am not happy. I am happy with the remainder of our relationship! It is great! I just have these things that really bother me and I need certain things to make me happy and comfortable.

 

Lack of affection and caring: I am a very loving person who is totally full of the one I love. I shower him with kisses, baby talk, cute little pet names, confessions of my love and attraction, compliments and devoted attention. I do sweet things such as leave love notes around for him to find, bring him flowers and gifts regularly and I constantly try to think of things that would make him happy and feel loved. On the other hand, he rarely does any of these things. His example of affection is him coming home from work, saying ‘hi baby’, usually not giving me a kiss until I ask for one, then sitting on the couch or in front of the computer wondering why I am in a funny mood. The same turn of events happen each morning as well. He gives the animals more attention and signs of affection such as spontaneous little kisses, hugs, professions of love and cute baby talk like “how’s my woobie” than he does me. I have identified all of these issues with no attempts of resolution. I am not saying he doesn’t give me affection, it is just really sporadic. He treats me more like a friend than a partner.

 

Wandering eyes: We cannot go anywhere, watch TV, go on a date – anything without him looking at and commenting on a someone’s good looks and sex appeal. This makes me feel unappreciated, unattractive (although I know I am not), degraded and generally disrespected. There is also an issue of him looking at porn. I have asked him not to do these things but he does not care to stop hurting me. I told him this hurts me but he doesn’t understand. He comes back with “you look at guys” (maybe but I don’t ogle) and you look at porn (this is a last resort relief of sexual tension – see lack of intimacy below).

 

Lack of intimacy: The common denominator here is the lack of sexual attraction on his part, or he says he is really inhibited and unable to show his attraction for me. I do know (because he told me) that in his last relationship of three years, he was able to maintain a sexual relationship that included sexual activity almost nightly. Furthermore, he will “please himself ” daily if given the privacy and time to look at porn instead of being with me – even with me waiting in the bedroom. Therefore, his sexual inhibition plea holds no water for the most part.

 

We have sexual encounters about once a week or less. I always initiate and it is a real struggle to get him in the mood. He has a list of do’s and don’ts I have to follow or it is usually a no go. His hit list is as follows: Has to start with kissing; it needs to be at night before we go to sleep; cannot be pre-planned or discussed beforehand – totally spontaneous; I have to be the initiator and be the active person, he basically just lays there and does not explore, caress, touch, feel etc. – he just engages in the act with no foreplay.. To me, this seems totally planned. I have to watch myself as to not make the wrong move and be too forward. I cannot just do what comes naturally to me. This leads me to feel I have to force him to be with me, and when we do it is boring because of his lack of enthusiasm, exploration, etc.… He does know what I want in bed but he does not attempt to fulfill while I feel I am constantly trying to do what he says he needs.

 

I feel all of these things are linked and the root is intimacy. For instance, if we were intimate more often and he initiated at least 10% of the time, I would feel comfortable with him looking at other men because I would know he was attracted to me too, just saying it when I express concern is not an answer.

 

Im I crazy or is he really odd? What the heck can I do??

 

Help!!

[BeenThere]

After reading your post, I scrolled all the way back to the top in an attempt to locate ONE sentence that pointed to something "positive" about your partner...or for any reason you may have stated for tolerating this crap.

 

You're living with Al Bundy!

 

It goes without saying what "I" would do in this situation, but then again, I'm only standing on the outside looking in, and my information is limited.

 

So, tell me, can you list all the reasons why you stay in this seemingly one-sided relationship? Is it purely for the companionship...the sex...or some subconscious need to "nurture" someone?

 

What about him do you "love?" What makes you stay? You have so many wonderful qualities, why wouldn't you reserve them for someone who is more deserving?

 

Can you elaborate?

I am a 31 year old in a now 9 month relationship with a wonderful 30 year old guy. First off I think of myself as not the typical male, meaning I put value in LTRs and I am able to commit totally to the person I am in love without being tempted to stray. My partner sees commitment in the same light, that is one of our major attractions. I have about 3 issues I feel are all interlinked: Lack of intimacy, lack of affection, his wandering eyes. I try to get him to think in the direction of working on these issues by sending him articles on working out problems and initiating discussion. He disregards the articles I send, not even reading them and he often gets angry in discussions, often saying we should just break up because I am not happy. I am happy with the remainder of our relationship! It is great! I just have these things that really bother me and I need certain things to make me happy and comfortable. Lack of affection and caring: I am a very loving person who is totally full of the one I love. I shower him with kisses, baby talk, cute little pet names, confessions of my love and attraction, compliments and devoted attention. I do sweet things such as leave love notes around for him to find, bring him flowers and gifts regularly and I constantly try to think of things that would make him happy and feel loved. On the other hand, he rarely does any of these things. His example of affection is him coming home from work, saying 'hi baby', usually not giving me a kiss until I ask for one, then sitting on the couch or in front of the computer wondering why I am in a funny mood. The same turn of events happen each morning as well. He gives the animals more attention and signs of affection such as spontaneous little kisses, hugs, professions of love and cute baby talk like "how's my woobie" than he does me. I have identified all of these issues with no attempts of resolution. I am not saying he doesn't give me affection, it is just really sporadic. He treats me more like a friend than a partner. Wandering eyes: We cannot go anywhere, watch TV, go on a date -- anything without him looking at and commenting on a someone's good looks and sex appeal. This makes me feel unappreciated, unattractive (although I know I am not), degraded and generally disrespected. There is also an issue of him looking at porn. I have asked him not to do these things but he does not care to stop hurting me. I told him this hurts me but he doesn't understand. He comes back with "you look at guys" (maybe but I don't ogle) and you look at porn (this is a last resort relief of sexual tension -- see lack of intimacy below). Lack of intimacy: The common denominator here is the lack of sexual attraction on his part, or he says he is really inhibited and unable to show his attraction for me. I do know (because he told me) that in his last relationship of three years, he was able to maintain a sexual relationship that included sexual activity almost nightly. Furthermore, he will "please himself " daily if given the privacy and time to look at porn instead of being with me -- even with me waiting in the bedroom. Therefore, his sexual inhibition plea holds no water for the most part. We have sexual encounters about once a week or less. I always initiate and it is a real struggle to get him in the mood. He has a list of do's and don'ts I have to follow or it is usually a no go. His hit list is as follows: Has to start with kissing; it needs to be at night before we go to sleep; cannot be pre-planned or discussed beforehand -- totally spontaneous; I have to be the initiator and be the active person, he basically just lays there and does not explore, caress, touch, feel etc. -- he just engages in the act with no foreplay.. To me, this seems totally planned. I have to watch myself as to not make the wrong move and be too forward. I cannot just do what comes naturally to me. This leads me to feel I have to force him to be with me, and when we do it is boring because of his lack of enthusiasm, exploration, etc.& He does know what I want in bed but he does not attempt to fulfill while I feel I am constantly trying to do what he says he needs. I feel all of these things are linked and the root is intimacy. For instance, if we were intimate more often and he initiated at least 10% of the time, I would feel comfortable with him looking at other men because I would know he was attracted to me too, just saying it when I express concern is not an answer. Im I crazy or is he really odd? What the heck can I do?? Help!!

[arthropod]

some men do have trouble showing their emotions, there's no doubt about that. thing is, there's always SOMETHING done to let the person he's with know he cares, if he in fact does -- might be washing the car or taking out the trash -- what about small things like that you may not have thought of before?? if you're seeing NOTHING like this, you've tried talking to him about it, and you're not content . . . then it's time to move on. i mean, this is a VERY important part of a relationship -- otherwise, you've got a BUD there!

I am a 31 year old in a now 9 month relationship with a wonderful 30 year old guy. First off I think of myself as not the typical male, meaning I put value in LTRs and I am able to commit totally to the person I am in love without being tempted to stray. My partner sees commitment in the same light, that is one of our major attractions. I have about 3 issues I feel are all interlinked: Lack of intimacy, lack of affection, his wandering eyes. I try to get him to think in the direction of working on these issues by sending him articles on working out problems and initiating discussion. He disregards the articles I send, not even reading them and he often gets angry in discussions, often saying we should just break up because I am not happy. I am happy with the remainder of our relationship! It is great! I just have these things that really bother me and I need certain things to make me happy and comfortable. Lack of affection and caring: I am a very loving person who is totally full of the one I love. I shower him with kisses, baby talk, cute little pet names, confessions of my love and attraction, compliments and devoted attention. I do sweet things such as leave love notes around for him to find, bring him flowers and gifts regularly and I constantly try to think of things that would make him happy and feel loved. On the other hand, he rarely does any of these things. His example of affection is him coming home from work, saying 'hi baby', usually not giving me a kiss until I ask for one, then sitting on the couch or in front of the computer wondering why I am in a funny mood. The same turn of events happen each morning as well. He gives the animals more attention and signs of affection such as spontaneous little kisses, hugs, professions of love and cute baby talk like "how's my woobie" than he does me. I have identified all of these issues with no attempts of resolution. I am not saying he doesn't give me affection, it is just really sporadic. He treats me more like a friend than a partner. Wandering eyes: We cannot go anywhere, watch TV, go on a date -- anything without him looking at and commenting on a someone's good looks and sex appeal. This makes me feel unappreciated, unattractive (although I know I am not), degraded and generally disrespected. There is also an issue of him looking at porn. I have asked him not to do these things but he does not care to stop hurting me. I told him this hurts me but he doesn't understand. He comes back with "you look at guys" (maybe but I don't ogle) and you look at porn (this is a last resort relief of sexual tension -- see lack of intimacy below). Lack of intimacy: The common denominator here is the lack of sexual attraction on his part, or he says he is really inhibited and unable to show his attraction for me. I do know (because he told me) that in his last relationship of three years, he was able to maintain a sexual relationship that included sexual activity almost nightly. Furthermore, he will "please himself " daily if given the privacy and time to look at porn instead of being with me -- even with me waiting in the bedroom. Therefore, his sexual inhibition plea holds no water for the most part. We have sexual encounters about once a week or less. I always initiate and it is a real struggle to get him in the mood. He has a list of do's and don'ts I have to follow or it is usually a no go. His hit list is as follows: Has to start with kissing; it needs to be at night before we go to sleep; cannot be pre-planned or discussed beforehand -- totally spontaneous; I have to be the initiator and be the active person, he basically just lays there and does not explore, caress, touch, feel etc. -- he just engages in the act with no foreplay.. To me, this seems totally planned. I have to watch myself as to not make the wrong move and be too forward. I cannot just do what comes naturally to me. This leads me to feel I have to force him to be with me, and when we do it is boring because of his lack of enthusiasm, exploration, etc.& He does know what I want in bed but he does not attempt to fulfill while I feel I am constantly trying to do what he says he needs. I feel all of these things are linked and the root is intimacy. For instance, if we were intimate more often and he initiated at least 10% of the time, I would feel comfortable with him looking at other men because I would know he was attracted to me too, just saying it when I express concern is not an answer. Im I crazy or is he really odd? What the heck can I do?? Help!!

[TheCrusher]

Well, I certainly do NOT stay for the sex. When we met, I stated I believe in working on issues in a relationship and not jumping ship when things are rocky. I believe if he has an issue with something I am doing, no matter how little or big it is, I should work on it. No matter if I think it is right or wrong (to a certain degree of course). You have to look objectively at the issue and determine the validity of the complaint and make changes for the sake of pleasing the one you love. For instance, I used to say things about him not thinking of me when he is out and bringing me a gift as I do him. Nothing big. It could be a damn candy bar or a card. Just once a month. It bothered and pressured him that I complained about it so I stopped. I continue to do these things for him because I think that is how you keep love and romance alive (at least one small way) but I don’t get upset if he does not. I know my complaint is valid but maybe that is the way he is. I can tolerate that. He does other things to make up for it. He always offers to get me something from the kitchen and things of that nature.

 

There are many reasons I stay with him. The most obvious to me are hope of better days and love. There are others as well. I may have been harsh in saying he shows NO affection. For example, when we go “out”, he is sure to hold my hand and touch me constantly. He is really is affectionate in those situations. Also, when we lounge around and watch TV together we often lay on each other. He does tell me he loves me on the phone most of the time when we end a conversation. He sometimes (maybe twice a week) grabs me from behind and hugs me when I am making dinner…There are good points. I just would like him to be more like that (when we go out) all of the time. He says it is impractical and we cant just sit around making out all of the time but I do not expect that extreme. Just a “you look sexy” once in a while, or a lusty look here and there. Maybe a out of the blue deep kiss instead of the usual quick pecks that I initiate. He will say I look nice when I wear this certain outfit I have but that is really about it.

 

He does have explanations for his indifferent views on sex with me. His mother passed in May and he said it makes him feel guilty to have fun. Although it has been 4 months now and things have not improved at all. Our sex life was not even good before that so I’m not sure how much I believe that explanation. He also continued to please himself (he leaves evidence, I really don’t go around checking) the whole time. That seems to be FUN to him?!?

 

Last night was really bad. He works until 9pm. I made dinner, light candles all over the house, made everything relaxing and romantic with some of his favorite music playing in the background. This is usually what he likes. So he comes home and notices it. We ate and then laid on the couch for a while holding each other. Really nice. I was caressing his back and he had his arm over me and I suddenly realized he was petting the dog which was behind me as I was loving on him. That ticked me off and I said something and he replied – he is my son!. Well, when things are romantic, you don’t hold your son’s hand as you kiss your partner?!? Then we went to bed and I started kissing him and he said he had a stomach ache from the food and he was sorry. He knew what I wanted to do and he apologized because his stomach ached.

 

It has been a week since we have been together intimately and its only happened three times in the past three and a half weeks. Every instance has been initiated by me and pretty dull and disconnected.

 

Im not trying to bash him, I just don’t know what to make of it. Am I being stupid staying? I need for him to at least try to work on his sexual issues or I don’t know how long I can last. I truly do love him though. Is sex and signs of attraction really worth loosing a loved one?

 

After reading your post, I scrolled all the way back to the top in an attempt to locate ONE sentence that pointed to something "positive" about your partner...or for any reason you may have stated for tolerating this crap. You're living with Al Bundy! It goes without saying what "I" would do in this situation, but then again, I'm only standing on the outside looking in, and my information is limited. So, tell me, can you list all the reasons why you stay in this seemingly one-sided relationship? Is it purely for the companionship...the sex...or some subconscious need to "nurture" someone? What about him do you "love?" What makes you stay? You have so many wonderful qualities, why wouldn't you reserve them for someone who is more deserving? Can you elaborate?

[TheCrusher]

Well, see the response to the first posting.

 

He does do things of that nature. I do wash both cars usually but he does do laundry sometimes and makes sure I am comfortable in certain ways. But what about the limited sex issue?? Him pleasing himself instead of being with me??

some men do have trouble showing their emotions, there's no doubt about that. thing is, there's always SOMETHING done to let the person he's with know he cares, if he in fact does -- might be washing the car or taking out the trash -- what about small things like that you may not have thought of before?? if you're seeing NOTHING like this, you've tried talking to him about it, and you're not content . . . then it's time to move on. i mean, this is a VERY important part of a relationship -- otherwise, you've got a BUD there!

 

[BeenThere]

No one is going to tell you that you are "stupid" for staying with this guy. No one can help who they love. But I often wonder myself, sometimes, if love is unconditional...or just plain blind.

 

Personally, I don't like the way he treats you. You seem to be giving 90%, while he has trouble giving 10%. You are the more passionate, romantic, thoughtful and nurturing of the two, but I worry that he might be taking all of your doting for granted. When he's not completely dispondant, he seems to only be "going through the motions"...and any kind of reciprocation you've gotten has come only after you had to bitch and bitch about it (to which he also complaines.)

 

You say that: "I believe if he has an issue with something I am doing, no matter how little or big it is, I should work on it." And its the "I" part that makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck. Why is it always "you," what effort is he making? What is he doing to work on the issues you have about him? This is suppose to be a "partnership" honey!

 

Look, you obviously love the guy. And with any luck maybe love and "hope for better days to come" will be enough to get you through. No one can tell you whether to leave or stay. That decision is yours, and yours alone to make. I think when you've finally had enough, you won't even question leaving. And whatever you do, don't feel bad or selfish if and when that time comes. Your not a quitter...as a matter of fact, I think yor're a martyr!

 

I really hope things work out for you. You are certainly the good-guy here. There's not a damn thing you are doing wrong. It's NOT your fault.

 

Good Luck!

 

Well, I certainly do NOT stay for the sex. When we met, I stated I believe in working on issues in a relationship and not jumping ship when things are rocky. I believe if he has an issue with something I am doing, no matter how little or big it is, I should work on it. No matter if I think it is right or wrong (to a certain degree of course). You have to look objectively at the issue and determine the validity of the complaint and make changes for the sake of pleasing the one you love. For instance, I used to say things about him not thinking of me when he is out and bringing me a gift as I do him. Nothing big. It could be a damn candy bar or a card. Just once a month. It bothered and pressured him that I complained about it so I stopped. I continue to do these things for him because I think that is how you keep love and romance alive (at least one small way) but I don't get upset if he does not. I know my complaint is valid but maybe that is the way he is. I can tolerate that. He does other things to make up for it. He always offers to get me something from the kitchen and things of that nature. There are many reasons I stay with him. The most obvious to me are hope of better days and love. There are others as well. I may have been harsh in saying he shows NO affection. For example, when we go "out", he is sure to hold my hand and touch me constantly. He is really is affectionate in those situations. Also, when we lounge around and watch TV together we often lay on each other. He does tell me he loves me on the phone most of the time when we end a conversation. He sometimes (maybe twice a week) grabs me from behind and hugs me when I am making dinner&There are good points. I just would like him to be more like that (when we go out) all of the time. He says it is impractical and we cant just sit around making out all of the time but I do not expect that extreme. Just a "you look sexy" once in a while, or a lusty look here and there. Maybe a out of the blue deep kiss instead of the usual quick pecks that I initiate. He will say I look nice when I wear this certain outfit I have but that is really about it. He does have explanations for his indifferent views on sex with me. His mother passed in May and he said it makes him feel guilty to have fun. Although it has been 4 months now and things have not improved at all. Our sex life was not even good before that so I'm not sure how much I believe that explanation. He also continued to please himself (he leaves evidence, I really don't go around checking) the whole time. That seems to be FUN to him?!? Last night was really bad. He works until 9pm. I made dinner, light candles all over the house, made everything relaxing and romantic with some of his favorite music playing in the background. This is usually what he likes. So he comes home and notices it. We ate and then laid on the couch for a while holding each other. Really nice. I was caressing his back and he had his arm over me and I suddenly realized he was petting the dog which was behind me as I was loving on him. That ticked me off and I said something and he replied -- he is my son!. Well, when things are romantic, you don't hold your son's hand as you kiss your partner?!? Then we went to bed and I started kissing him and he said he had a stomach ache from the food and he was sorry. He knew what I wanted to do and he apologized because his stomach ached. It has been a week since we have been together intimately and its only happened three times in the past three and a half weeks. Every instance has been initiated by me and pretty dull and disconnected.

 

Im not trying to bash him, I just don't know what to make of it. Am I being stupid staying? I need for him to at least try to work on his sexual issues or I don't know how long I can last. I truly do love him though. Is sex and signs of attraction really worth loosing a loved one?

[arthropod]

when i say about someone doing certain things to show his / her love, i don't mean chores. just certain things to show you're being thought of . . . doesn't sound like that's happening here.

 

the lack of intimacy sounds like it might be a problem. do have one question though . . . you said you mentioned some of these things to him, but have you mentioned the SEVERITY of this situation?? i mean, the fact that you're thinking about ENDING this relationship due to these issues?? some people need that "kick in the ass" to make them realize there's a REAL problem. if you have the conversation, and there's no resolution or even an ATTEMPT on his part, then it's time to move on. don't hang on to a relationship for just a few good things . . . that bad (or missing) stuff will BUILD UP, and you just won't EVER be happy.

Well, see the response to the first posting.

 

He does do things of that nature. I do wash both cars usually but he does do laundry sometimes and makes sure I am comfortable in certain ways. But what about the limited sex issue?? Him pleasing himself instead of being with me??

[TheCrusher]

Damn, you said it... Are you a professional??

No one is going to tell you that you are "stupid" for staying with this guy. No one can help who they love. But I often wonder myself, sometimes, if love is unconditional...or just plain blind. Personally, I don't like the way he treats you. You seem to be giving 90%, while he has trouble giving 10%. You are the more passionate, romantic, thoughtful and nurturing of the two, but I worry that he might be taking all of your doting for granted. When he's not completely dispondant, he seems to only be "going through the motions"...and any kind of reciprocation you've gotten has come only after you had to bitch and bitch about it (to which he also complaines.) You say that: "I believe if he has an issue with something I am doing, no matter how little or big it is, I should work on it." And its the "I" part that makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck. Why is it always "you," what effort is he making? What is he doing to work on the issues you have about him? This is suppose to be a "partnership" honey! Look, you obviously love the guy. And with any luck maybe love and "hope for better days to come" will be enough to get you through. No one can tell you whether to leave or stay. That decision is yours, and yours alone to make. I think when you've finally had enough, you won't even question leaving. And whatever you do, don't feel bad or selfish if and when that time comes. Your not a quitter...as a matter of fact, I think yor're a martyr! I really hope things work out for you. You are certainly the good-guy here. There's not a damn thing you are doing wrong. It's NOT your fault. Good Luck!

[TheCrusher]

No mention of the severity of the issue. I have been thinking the same thing myself.. I believe I will have the serious talk this weekend. It is time for me to win or loose, I am tired of wondering and hurting. Thanks,

when i say about someone doing certain things to show his / her love, i don't mean chores. just certain things to show you're being thought of . . . doesn't sound like that's happening here.

 

the lack of intimacy sounds like it might be a problem. do have one question though . . . you said you mentioned some of these things to him, but have you mentioned the SEVERITY of this situation?? i mean, the fact that you're thinking about ENDING this relationship due to these issues?? some people need that "kick in the ass" to make them realize there's a REAL problem. if you have the conversation, and there's no resolution or even an ATTEMPT on his part, then it's time to move on. don't hang on to a relationship for just a few good things . . . that bad (or missing) stuff will BUILD UP, and you just won't EVER be happy.