Ladyjane14 Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 I've noticed a couple of posts in the last week or so from men who have suffered an unwilling divorce. Now, all of the sudden....their ex-wives seem to find them interesting again. What's up with that? Some of the reasons would appear fairly obvious, lonliness on the part of the ex-wife for one....but maybe there's something a bit murkier too. (????) The attraction doesn't seem to be there until AFTER the guy has completely moved on, AFTER he has healed from his emotional wounds. I have to wonder if there's something of value to be gained for men who are still in the process of unwanted divorce or separation. Is there something at work here a guy like that can capitolize on? Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 Well, I don't know LJ. I don't really think I was saying I found mine interesting again but more that I had regrets about how things played out exactly for the sake of my kids. Honestly, I could write a book about my exhusband- I know him that well. He hasn't changed ONE BIT. I did see that DD's wife was interested in him sort of again. Perhaps the only thing I can see coming from this in a situation is that if the guy holds off on the D long enough the wife may come to her senses?? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 I dunno, man. Every time I talk to my exH I am reminded why we didn't stay together....maybe they didn't think things through enough, and regret is a bitch. Also some women seem to only be able to attach themselves to emotionally unavailable men. Replicating perhaps a continuing ambiguity in their relationships with men from their relationship with their father. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 everyones' value goes up when they are no longer available. its the law of supply and demand. supply goes down then demand goes up. likewise....when someone dies their supply = zero so their demand skyrockets. simple as that. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 Independence is an attractive quality to women and when men finally move with our lives it make us more attractive to women. I am not a woman so I can't say fully what it is but i went through this with my ex wife and I have met men who went through similiar things. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 everyones' value goes up when they are no longer available. its the law of supply and demand. supply goes down then demand goes up. likewise....when someone dies their supply = zero so their demand skyrockets. simple as that. It's the reason why many musicians were their most successful after death. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 I dunno, man. Every time I talk to my exH I am reminded why we didn't stay together.... lol i didnt want the divorce and even I experience the same thing now. It's the whole i dont want you but i dont want anyone else to have you either. I dont think my exh has felt this about me, atleast he hasnt showed any signs. However, i know he's spied on me. I could careless. I'm getting on with my life and having some fun while doing it Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 Actually I'm always trying to encourage my exH to date. Well, was. When he was in work release. Now he f***ed that up and got sent back to prison. as usual. he was supposed to get out next month. Now he's got another year! dumb@ss. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 likewise....when someone dies their supply = zero so their demand skyrockets. Do we have a recommendation here for guys who are still stuck on their exes? Seriously, there's something in the supply and demand thing. But it does say something about the maturity of the ex - it's not love when you have to play "hard to get" to get it. Link to post Share on other sites
basscatcher Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 Many married couples are now taking sabaticles from one another. When you spend day and night living together you get immune and numb to one another. Like my apartment I am in it every day and its the same surroundings all the time. I rarely notice if something has changed unless it drastic. I am immune to what is in my house.. I'm bored with it, its ordinary and normal.. When I go to visit my mom for the weekend or I am away from home for a few days I come home and its like Ahhh home. I see it with fresh eyes and I notice things that have been neglected... I think relationships are like that also.. We get numb and immune. We need to step back and out for a little bit and then come back after a repreive.. I have heard of people going through divorces where they have to take a few months break from one another and come back to the table many couples cancel the impending divorce and seek counceling.. I use to take sabaticle from my XH on weekends and get out of town and go stay with my mom. When I came back things were different for awhile I found him more attractive and interesting again.. Maybe that is why I withstood 11 1/2 years of his shyt. but it was inevitable I had to get out of the marriage because his abuse and neglect were horrible... I think absence does make the heart grow fonder.. Also, I think most problems in relationships are caused from not accepting who someone is. We are commonly try to change one another into what we want.. Unless the person has some real serious issues like alcoholism, drug abuse, is phycially or mentally abusive or doesnt take care of his/her own health then I think we need to learn to not be so selfish to have the perfect person.. I personally like the little quirks I find in my partner (s). Like a crooked smile, crooked walk, bow legged, colic in their hairline, a mole in the weirdest spot--I think you understand what I mean... Absence has a great deal to do with waking up and seeing what it is that made you fall in love with the person in the first place.. I dont disagree with loneliness can play a huge factor as well.... I still think my XH is very handsome--6"2', 175 lbs, Dark brown hair, brown skin, big brown eyes, perfect complexion, strong cheekbones, long dark eyelashes, full lips but his personality is UGLY.. His lifestyle is UGLY, His morals and values are UGLY.... Ok I will stop here. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 Like my apartment I am in it every day and its the same surroundings all the time. I rarely notice if something has changed unless it drastic. did you notice it was 2 degrees outside this morning? Link to post Share on other sites
basscatcher Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 did you notice it was 2 degrees outside this morning? I wish it only were that---2 degrees.. Honey it was -11 F* here this morning when I left for work.. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (Thats not in my apartment either.....) Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 I wish it only were that---2 degrees.. Honey it was -11 F* here this morning when I left for work.. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr oh...on CNN they said it was two degrees. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 It has nothing to do with supply and demand or emotional unavailability. In some cases, it's the fog of memory that's responsible; once you're away from someone, it's human nature to forget the bad and remember the good (or else no mother would ever have more than one baby ) so in retrospect the relationship seems not that bad. In other cases, people do realize once they've left that they had a good thing but wanted too much more. It's very easy to take a good thing for granted, as Pada said. You have to be very careful that you don't mistake one of those situations for the other, think you left something good behind when really it wasn't, and go back to something that was actually very bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 I dunno, man. Every time I talk to my exH I am reminded why we didn't stay together Yeah.. I have the same feelings B_O with my ExW.. I hang the phone up or walk away thinking " Boy am I glad I'm not still married to you " Link to post Share on other sites
basscatcher Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 Yeah.. I have the same feelings B_O with my ExW.. I hang the phone up or walk away thinking " Boy am I glad I'm not still married to you " :lmao: ME TOO !!!!!!!! :lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 There is a new accountant at my work who reminds me EXCESSIVELY of my exH. Same height, same slightly timid, gentle voice. Same tendency to go out of his way to help others. Sometimes I talk to him and he leaves my office and I think, jeebs. What did I ever see in exH? Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 Also some women seem to only be able to attach themselves to emotionally unavailable men. Replicating perhaps a continuing ambiguity in their relationships with men from their relationship with their father. Bingo! Very well put and I believe this sums out a LOT of situations be it (OW or these types of situations). Very good perception:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ladyjane14 Posted February 17, 2006 Author Share Posted February 17, 2006 Also some women seem to only be able to attach themselves to emotionally unavailable men. Replicating perhaps a continuing ambiguity in their relationships with men from their relationship with their father. Yeah....I'm also thinking there's serious merit to that point. I wonder what causes people to want what is unavailable to them? When I was in my mid-thirties, I was somewhat obsessed with the idea of divorce. Aside from the crisis in my marriage nearly two years ago....this was the most dangerous portion of the marriage. Even the early years were not so fraught with trouble. My abiding thought at that time was..."Damn, I'm 35 years old. I'm NOT gonna have some a*hole telling me what to do all the time. He ain't my daddy!!!:mad:" Now, I have to wonder about that. Maybe in some ways we do cast our husbands in the father role. Maybe they assume that role without our consent. I don't know. But it stands to reason that once we've reached a point in our lives when we consider ourselves to be adult and mature in every way, we would strive to break that perceived control. That wouldn't be a whole lot different than what we did in our rebellious teens to break away from our parents. Once the perceived control is gone, do we then find merit in our husbands again? Outcast suggested that our memories of the hard times fade. I see the merit in that thought too. It's difficult to hold a grudge and stay angry. It saps alot of emotional energy. And good times do tend to stand out in our memory. Perhaps that's why so many couples give it one more try after separation. (????) The pain fades from our immediate consciousness and it all starts sounding like it might work afterall. For those folks who have truly moved on, the blinders seem to be off though. Pada, for example sees through to the fatal flaws in her ex, so does MzPixie. But I wonder what happens when you're unable to get your single life stablized? What if, say for example....MzPixie hadn't met a wonderful man and married him? What if Pada had NEVER recognized the innate "ugliness" in her ex's character. What then? Perhaps time would have distanced them from the negative emotions surrounding their ex-husband's, and if so...would the ex then be an attractive commodity again? I agree with Alpha and Woggle that there's something to be said for the law of supply and demand. And I wonder if the idea that there's only a brief window of time until the "supply" runs out when coupled with the new independant quality of the divorced man is the attractive element. In application though, when you've already got a marriage on the verge of divorce, how does one use that knowledge to his advantage? Surely if too much pressure is applied, wouldn't the marriage be destroyed out-of-hand. And can we avoid mindgames if we allow ourselves to dabble in dishonesty? Afterall, if the goal is to stay together, isn't it a little bit dishonest to cloak your agenda in ambivalence? If not, how much is too much? Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 This is why it is good to be careful when dealing with women who have daddy issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted February 18, 2006 Share Posted February 18, 2006 This is why it is good to be careful when dealing with women who have daddy issues. maybe men need to learn how to be better daddys Link to post Share on other sites
GuySimple Posted February 18, 2006 Share Posted February 18, 2006 Yeah.. I have the same feelings B_O with my ExW.. I hang the phone up or walk away thinking " Boy am I glad I'm not still married to you " On kid exchanges I sometimes feel a connection again and go down that road and it usually only takes a couple of steps at which point the b1tch in her comes out and I run back. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted February 18, 2006 Share Posted February 18, 2006 The ex's hatred for me has seemed to expand over the years. So, too, has my disdain for her. Neither of us would ever want the other back. I do think the ex envies my lifestyle and my current marriage but she certainly wouldn't want to be a part of either. Everytime she pulled one of her stunts to try to get to me I'd just smile to myself. She always simply gave me yet another reason to be ever so glad I was rid of her. Last year she moved 500 miles away so with any amount of luck I'll never see or hear from her again in life. All the children are now grown and on their own. End of story, finally, after 12 years of being divorced! Link to post Share on other sites
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