strangeway Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 Hi... I have a dilemma...Well, its more of a moral question really....Because I am on the outside looking in, I am a bit more objective but it still makes me mad. There is this guy I know from work. He has a girlfriend. (I recently found out after all of his efforts to conceal it). No, I dont like him, he is a casual aquaintance of mine. Problem is, he flirts so much he really has at least 2 or 3 other girls at my work going. They all think he is single, and he never corrects them. He goes around behind her back with these girls.The whole time, he never lets on he has a girlfriend. They have been together for 2 YEARS!!! How do I know? 2 days ago I met his girlfriend by ACCIDENT!!! I ran into her while I was at the store and we both got to talking. It sounds strange, but we got to be good friends in such a short time....we exchanged numbers, and made plans to hang out this weekend. The first time I called her we got into convos about messed up men, relationships, and her boyfriend who I found out was this man I work with!!!!!! I almost passed out!!!! The woman has no idea who he really is, what type of perv he truly is, what a liar and so forth...and I didnt let on that I knew him, so I shut my mouth....I don't know why I did that, other than I was shocked but now I think I should tell her who he REALLY is....I mean, 2 YEARS!!!! What do you think??? Link to post Share on other sites
rustysquirrel Posted February 18, 2006 Share Posted February 18, 2006 Others may disagree, but I would tell her. My reasoning is that I would want to be told. If he is screwing around with other girls he may be putting her at risk of an STD, perhaps even HIV. That's too big a risk. He is also not being honest with her, and i would want to know if my SO was not being honest with me (which, by the way, I happen to know she is not, which may explain my strong feelings on this one!). If you don't know the extent of his involvement with other women, it would be fair to say that, so that she can decide for herself whether to try to get more information on her own, confront him, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
hyakku Posted February 18, 2006 Share Posted February 18, 2006 NO. THIS IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS. There's a few reasons you shouldn't: 1. You risk (and a high risk at that) losing a friend because she will be apprehensive to hear a woman she just met say that her boyfriend is cheating. 2. It's HER life, not yours, she's satisfied without knowing, why ruin her happiness? 3. You don't know the circumstances of their relationship. It could be an open relationship, and therefore they know they are seeing other people. You don't know. 4. It will make you seem really jealous and that you are attracted to him, if you aren't why are you in her life? You just met her, just become friends and don't worry about other peoples business, you gotta be focused on your own. Link to post Share on other sites
Deirdre Posted February 18, 2006 Share Posted February 18, 2006 i would mind my own business. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2006 Share Posted February 18, 2006 Would you like a person who considers you an aquaintence to mess in your life? My guess would be no, probably not. If it doesn't concern you I wouldn't get involved. YOU do not know their situation, their relationship. Who knows if they have an open relationship kind of deal happening (though I bet it's unlikely) but it still isn't your place to get involved in someone else's life that you barely know. If you DO get involved somehow it will come and bite you in the bum and you'll be the bad guy, the gossip and the person who causes problems for others. Even if that isn't your intent, that is how it works in the office world... You're best to just stay out of it, unless the guy makes a pass at you - THEN you can react. Until then, don't say a word. Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted February 18, 2006 Share Posted February 18, 2006 If it were me, I'd want to know and I'd be grateful to the new acquaitance who was brave enough to tell me. Link to post Share on other sites
THX2000 Posted February 19, 2006 Share Posted February 19, 2006 If it were me, I'd want to know and I'd be grateful to the new acquaitance who was brave enough to tell me. No doubt. In my opinion it doesn't matter who tells her but she deserves to know she is dating such a jerk. I am sure she will appreciate knwoing he is doing this. Link to post Share on other sites
hyakku Posted February 19, 2006 Share Posted February 19, 2006 No doubt. In my opinion it doesn't matter who tells her but she deserves to know she is dating such a jerk. I am sure she will appreciate knwoing he is doing this. Yea sure you've known someone for a few hours and they go and tell you how much of a jerk and cheating a**h*** your boyfriend is. Who are you more inclined to believe? Your boyfriend or someone you met and have talked to for like a total of 5 hours? Get Real Link to post Share on other sites
BUTAFLY Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 TELL!!!!!!!! You tell the girls at work that she is not his only one, then you tell the girlfriend. I was one of the girls at work and the guy was engaged. He also tried to hide this info but I know for a fact that one coworker that I was acquaitances with knew and she didn't tell me!!! I wish she would have told me, it would have saved me a hell of a lot of heart ache. TELL!!!! Some of the women responding telling you not to tell are the ow knowingly dating someone who is in already in a relationship, in that case i would say don't tell. However things are differnt in this situation. He is decieving four women... everyone here thinks they are the only one and that is cruel! Link to post Share on other sites
BUTAFLY Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 NO. THIS IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS. There's a few reasons you shouldn't: 1. You risk (and a high risk at that) losing a friend because she will be apprehensive to hear a woman she just met say that her boyfriend is cheating. what risk? Its not like she is lying? if she doesn't want to believe thats her choice. 2. It's HER life, not yours, she's satisfied without knowing, why ruin her happiness? How can you be satified not knowing IF YOU DON'T KNOW????? 3. You don't know the circumstances of their relationship. It could be an open relationship, and therefore they know they are seeing other people. You don't know. If thats true then she will say "oh I know we have an open relationship" and that will be the end of that discustion. 4. It will make you seem really jealous and that you are attracted to him, if you aren't why are you in her life? You just met her, just become friends and don't worry about other peoples business, you gotta be focused on your own. You should NEVER be afraid to speak up because of what others my think of you. I don't think she is going to tell the whole work place, just the partys thats involved. and I don't believe the GF even works there. Please tell atleast the girls at the work place that he's seeing others at the same work place. Link to post Share on other sites
BUTAFLY Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 A coworker who i am friends and who has a girlfriend (who I am not friends with but have met on one occasion) has been hitting on a sort of qiuet girl in a different department. I told him to quite flirting with her because i know he is not interested. He says he is just having fun. Well he and a few other guys at the job were talking openly around me and were discussing how long it would take for him to get her in bed. You better believe I told her what he was saying behind her back! This girl really liked him. I pulled her aside and told her to becareful because he is not genuine. Thats all I said ....now she could take it or leave it but I had information that was pertinent to her makeing a decision on going any further with her feelings for him. So do you strangeway .....TELL!!! I also told him that I told her and if I ever saw his GF i would tell her too if he didn't stop. He called me a co*kblocker..and so what, Im still friendly with these guys. Link to post Share on other sites
hyakku Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 You should NEVER be afraid to speak up because of what others my think of you. I don't think she is going to tell the whole work place, just the partys thats involved. and I don't believe the GF even works there. Please tell atleast the girls at the work place that he's seeing others at the same work place. I'm sorry don't take this the wrong way, but you really need to get into your own life and out of others. what risk? Its not like she is lying? if she doesn't want to believe thats her choice. If you can't see the risk here then I don't know what to tell you. This person has known his girlfriend for like a total of five hours, do you REALLY think she is going to believe ANOTHER woman who WORKS with her boyfriend, that he is cheating on her and he should dump her? It would really sound like the girl is after her boyfriend and is trying to get her to dump her. Theres about a 5% chance she'll believe her, and if thats the case they didn't have a trustworthy relationship from the get-go. How can you be satified not knowing IF YOU DON'T KNOW????? Exactly my point. Ignorance is bliss. She has no idea what he's doing, so why tell her and cause her all this heart ache? If thats true then she will say "oh I know we have an open relationship" and that will be the end of that discustion. And if it is and she says that, she's going to cause a whole lot of problems with the guy at work for butting into his life. And if its NOT true, again see above. Its really not worth getting into all this drama for. Its their relationship, not yours, stay out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
strangeway Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 All of you had pertinent points, but I am still on the fence here...I agree, its not REALLY my business...perhaps I should wait until the situation becomes clearer...however.... WHAT IF this guy is allowed to continue?? How is that fair?? It might not be my business as far as his gf and him and what they do together.... but when he is actively PREYING upon one of my friends and she thinks that everything is the best and then he sleeps with her, gives her a disease and breaks her heart, am I not at least a TINY bit responsible because perhaps I could of at least sent her in with the FULL story instead of just the first two pages???!! As far as the GF.......I think this is VERY sad...she is a beautiful girl, funny, intelligent, and the conversations were definately geared more towards MARRYING him than ending it, or insinuating an open relationship which i HIGHLY doubt....She definately has more in her heart than he has in his head.....Its just sad, and it makes me feel bad..... I could lose her as a friend, thats true, but I could also be saving her from years of heartache as well, so....... Could I sacrifice losing a friend to steer them in the right direction instead of letting them walk blindly into something? PERHAPS....She might not believe me at first, but then, there is this little thing called proof I could provide for her.......THEN she will believe me, and that solves that dilemma....... Link to post Share on other sites
Guesti9 Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 First of all you risk losing your reputation and maybe even job, because who knows what this guy will do when he finds out who told his girlfriend this. Not only that, but he'll play the game, "who do you trust more? The guy you love and have been with for 2 years or some guy you've known for 2 days who is just interested in getting into your pants?" It's an easy answer... she'll believe the boyfriend, NOT you.. And there is no proof to supply her either that is concrete enough. Only thing you will wreck is your friendship with her. I don't understand how you can "become good friends" when you just said before you met 2 days ago.. if this post is even real or loosely based on truth, it probably is the wrong move to tell her this soon. It's too short of a friendship to gain her trust anyways. Link to post Share on other sites
strangeway Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 "who do you trust more? The guy you love and have been with for 2 years or some guy you've known for 2 days who is just interested in getting into your pants?" Guesti9 First of all, I am not a guy, I am a girl, and I am not interested in getting in anyones pants, guy or girl.... "I don't understand how you can "become good friends" when you just said before you met 2 days ago.. " Guesti9 Second of all, I never mentioned GOOD FRIENDS....When I said he was PREYING upon one of my friends, I meant one of the other girls I worked with. Because even though I am not the GF's friend, I am still close friends with 2 of the 3 girls he is hitting on this month...as in every month it is someone different. Besides, he tried to get with me once, and I told him to move on.....guys like that are easy to spot when they leave a trail of devestation in their wake....its like a big purple cow...kinda hard to miss.... There is proof enough to provide....it depends if I should say something or not...if I conclude that I need to say something then proof can always be found....... It might not be my place to say something yet to this GF, but is it my place to expose him for who he really is to the other women in my work???? Maybe by me exposing the GF that he keeps hidden away he might stop and actually think about her for once instead of who he wants to screw next....and that cant be all that bad, now can it??? Besides, this guy is such a shallow, cocky a$$ that he deserves to be knocked down a peg or two....it might cause him to re-evaluate what is really important in life. Link to post Share on other sites
BUTAFLY Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 I could lose her as a friend, thats true, but I could also be saving her from years of heartache as well, so....... you said it right there!! Understant you have information that your withholding that could directly effect someones life. its a matter of morality, truthfulness. You don't have to tell the girlfriend tell the girls he is playing at work that they are all being played by this guy. all this talk of she won't believe you....possibly..but its up to her to make that dissison if she believes or not...you just give her the facts. Plus this talk of... 'he will come after you', 'you'll get fired'....all that says you watch way too much TV with that melodrama crap ....makes me laugh. OH and the statement Ignorace is bliss....are you kidding me. Information/ education is the only why you can have control of your own life. If YOU (hyakku) chose to be ingnorant that is YOU...DO NOT assume everyone else is as stupid at that! Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Here. This is what I would do. Hang with her. Get to know her if she's a cool person, just for yourself. If she brings up her BF just say "I'm not comfortable talking about him with you because I'm afraid it may be too icky for our friendship." Then leave it at that. She'll probably be interested enough to find out for herself. Link to post Share on other sites
Madeleine Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Maybe he just has a naturally friendly and flirtatious personality, it doesn't mean to say he is going to jump into bed with any or all of these women. If you're that concerned, however, why don't you just strike up a conversation with these women at work and drop in a line such as "Oh, did i tell you i met (insert his name) girlfriend the other day. She's really nice, they seem so much in love" If he is playing games with these women, i'd have a fair bet that they'd lose interest in him pretty quickly! Link to post Share on other sites
BUTAFLY Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 I appologize Hyakku,.. I didn't realize you were a high school boy....in that case you statments are excused. blindotter is correct that is a good way to handle the situation. but i would still tell the girls at work though. Link to post Share on other sites
strangeway Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Hey, I responded before with more information.....but because I am not a registered user, it doesnt pop up right away, but I will say this, everyone deserves to have the whole truth made available to them.... Picture it this way: You go into a restaurant...you order meatloaf, mash taters, green beans, and a salad with a coke.. The waitress comes and gives you your meal... There is meatloaf, taters, and a coke..... its NOT WHAT YOU ORDERED and its not what you expected,......are you just going to forget about it and pay for the whole thing anyway even when you know are missing some of the order??!! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 PERHAPS....She might not believe me at first, but then, there is this little thing called proof I could provide for her.......THEN she will believe me, and that solves that dilemma....... Proof is not what is going to bring it home to her, your caring manner and genuine words will do that just fine. Don't try to bring it up in conversation, approach her direct and with purpose - the purpose of her recieving emancipation from such a Hog! You should sit her down, tell her where you work, and that you know her BF. She will be upset, obviously, so tell her you clammed up because you were so shocked when you realised the situation. Tell her that you needed to think about it before telling her the truth because there exists a sensitive issue at work that she should know about. Then, go on the net with her and take her through the process through which you have all just come, with everyones' thoughts on the matter. Coupled with the other nuggets of proof you have, I am sure she will understand your dilema. Just stop thinking about yourself or how you would like it to be if the shoe were on your foot - the cold hard reality is that we are living in a world of very dangerous viruses and bacteria, and any mirriad of these (other than the DREADED AIDS) can cause her to have miscarriage after miscarriage for the rest of her life, or cause her to become clinically insane, or cause her to pass diseases onto any of her unborn children. An then there is the little issue of her own choice and the control she exerts over her own life. If you have become friends with her, you will have an idea of what she would expect from you. Tell her the truth and let her deal with the pain and trauma while she does not have children to protect or a husband to divorce (and be there for her, even if she does try to push you away at first). Time is of the essence, every moment free means an opportunity for a new fulfilling life for this lovely person who is being bamboozled so unashamedly. Leave the other women who work with him, I am sure they all have an idea who he must be, who screws around with work collegues anyway? - that is so obviously a lack of professionalism, which would by logic imply reckless behaviour and a don't care attitude. Leave them to their own devices unless it effects you personally - like your friend. I married a man like this. I was a virgin and "knew" him for almost 5 years before we tied the knot. It was the most difficult knot I ever had to to , because he resented me for his not being able to "sleep about" and subsequently became an abusive husband and father. It had devestating effects on my two young children and caused my family unbearable pain. Don't wait for the worst case scenario. The ship is sinking and the rats are all long gone - it is just a matter of time before she finds out for herself and then are you going to have egg on your collective faces! Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Well my exhusband gave me chlamydia. And an exboyfriend of mine. So IMO it is kinda important to let other people know. It's none of my business, they say. 8 months later she goes for a regular pap smear and finds out she has an STD from her "faithful" boyfriend. niiiiiiiiiiice. Link to post Share on other sites
strangeway Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 All of you have valid points.....I dont feel I could just turn my back on this situation because "its not my business"....Because I am privvy to this information, it now, most certainly IS MY BUSINESS... Hey, a woman gets beaten and raped in the streets at night, I happen to see from my window as this is going on..... Should I leave her there to suffer and not call 911 or help her in any way because "its not my business"? (same situation as this GF except she is getting emotionally raped and beaten and not given a fair shake) A child gets punched in the face at a supermarket by his father. He is hit so hard it causes his nose to bleed. Should I not interfere because "its not my business" I think we owe it to each other as HUMANS to help each other out of a potentially dangerous (as some of you pointed out, diseases, woman problems, ecetera) situation. Too often, people delude themselves into thinking "its not my problem"...if you coexist in this universe with another living human being, guess what??? IT IS YOUR PROBLEM... We tend not to think twice about hurting each other but when it comes to helping each other its "not my business" or "my problem"...... Hyakku and Guesti9, Do you think it makes it any better that I dont know the GF very well?? Oh, so if I did know her very well THEN I could potentially help her out?? But not until then??? THis kind of thinking is purely selfish.... The fact remains that what he is doing is deluding a lot of people, including some innocent girl who pines away for him in her make believe house picturing white weddings and dozens of screaming children. Guest, whoever you are, Very well said..... Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Do you know he's sleeping with these other women..? Are they your friends..? They've told you they're sleeping with him, and now you find he has a g/f. Then you should tell THEM what you know, if anyone. I'd just break off anything with his g/f. You're messing in other people's business and those kinds of things never end well. Link to post Share on other sites
strangeway Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Guest---- Its not my Fear of denial.......It was something that one of the other posters mentioned, that she wont believe me...... Link to post Share on other sites
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