MusicWoman Posted February 18, 2006 Share Posted February 18, 2006 I'm recently engaged, to a man I have only been with for not even 3 months yet. I know this is very soon, I am still in college and my fiancee has just graduated a couple months ago. He is so sweet, and so caring, and would do anything for me, I don't doubt that for a second. This sound completly rediculous but I think sometimes its way too sweet. I have had other serious relationships before, where as he has never had a girlfriend, never slept with anyone before. When he does something sweet and I tell him how much I love it...he decides then he should do it all of the time. Its like, getting a flower once and loving it because its so sweet...and then getting one three times a day it doesn't seem special at all anymore...and gets a bit boring. Some people that I've talked to, and including him, say its just a young relationship thing and that hes trying to hard. I'm trusting in this fact because I hear that things that bug you now you should multiply by 10 and thats how much its gonna bug you in a marraige. Has anyone else had problems like this....(and maybe think too much about things like I do) that make you doubt things 25% of the time..but make you so sure for the rest of the time? Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted February 18, 2006 Share Posted February 18, 2006 I think it's all a matter of approach and communication. You should be able to talk to him and tell him that you like the things he does spontaneously on occasion but if he does them all the time, they lose their specialness. Assure him that you love him and you know he loves you so he doesn't have to work so hard to prove it. It's funny but some of the things that did or would have annoyed my when done by the ex now amuse me when my wife does them. That's where the approach comes in, and the love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MusicWoman Posted February 18, 2006 Author Share Posted February 18, 2006 thank you so much for your responce, it really is about the love, the love in there and so is the communication thankfully....we are both two people you can deal with and like the use of brutal honesty. He knows how I'm feeling and thinks that its an early thing...I guess I'm still just looking to know if I'm being immature thinking that these things will just dissapear if they really seem to be symptoms of a new relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted February 18, 2006 Share Posted February 18, 2006 I'm still just looking to know if I'm being immature thinking that these things will just dissapear if they really seem to be symptoms of a new relationship. over time and you settle into the relationship. The euphoria doesn't last forever but the love can and should. A successful relationship is damned hard work. You have to romancd one another every day but that can be done in small ways, l9ittle kindnesses, consideration for the others wants, desires and feelings, maybe a little note, a single flower just because, a special dinner, touching in passing, kisses and I love yous, calls if you're going to be late or just to hear the other's voice, you get the idea. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MusicWoman Posted February 18, 2006 Author Share Posted February 18, 2006 Yes, the problem being though, that he does all of these things...too much!! I never thought I would be complaining about that...hahaha Its like, he has too much consideration for my wants and not enough for his own, and i've told him that maybe he just needs to be a little more selfish. These sweet things are wonderful, but when they happen 24/7 they get rediculous..... Wierd thing to bother someone huh Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted February 18, 2006 Share Posted February 18, 2006 I'm recently engaged, to a man I have only been with for not even 3 months yet This is a HUGE mistake. I hope you haven't planned a wedding date yet or if you have, that it's at least a year away. No matter how well you think you can know someone in three months, the fact is that you don't know him that well. Anyone who is older than twelve has already lived a fair chunk of life and had time to develop issues and bad habits and even have secret lives you know nothing about. It takes time to really know someone and the very fact that he's asked you to marry this fast is a red flag. Often, men with fairly serious issues rush women into agreeing to marry (and marrying) so that they can 'hook' the women before the women realize how serious their problems are. I would definitely slow down if I were you. You may end up regretting this hasty decision very much. These sweet things are wonderful, but when they happen 24/7 they get rediculous..... And so it begins. It's possible you've found yourself one of those fellows with chronically poor self-esteem who will turn himself into a lapdog for you, do every single thing you ask, and then end up resenting you (or worse) for it. You do NOT want to be stuck with someone like that. Already you're expecting him to change and, believe me, it's fatal to marry someone thinking he will change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MusicWoman Posted February 18, 2006 Author Share Posted February 18, 2006 mmm...outcast thank you very much for your advice...I have been seeing this is very hasty myself. But, yes, we are not planning on getting married for about 2 years even though no date is set yet...2 years sounds good to both of us. I like knowing that a date isn't set yet because I am in no way going to marry someone still having doubts like this...that I am sure of. Time will be the only thing right now that can show what its going to be like in the future. I know he doesn't have low self esteem, but he is a mama's boy do a very demanding mama...haha. The last thing I ever want to do is tell someone they have to change for me, I don't think its possible to get people to change for you...and that if they want to change they will change for their own reasons. I'm just thinking that this issue here is something that will gradually change on its own...with no real pressure. Just like people who married super romantic men 10 years ago now say most of the time that the romance is gone and its all fallen into routine. Link to post Share on other sites
BeFree Posted February 18, 2006 Share Posted February 18, 2006 Hate to say it, but Outcast may be right. I was thinking the same thing but did not have the heart to tell you. Please get to know this person a lot better before you marry them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MusicWoman Posted February 18, 2006 Author Share Posted February 18, 2006 Hate to say it, but Outcast may be right. I was thinking the same thing but did not have the heart to tell you. Please get to know this person a lot better before you marry them. oh believe me I will be:) The thing is that I totally see myself as being with this man for the rest of my life, and even though I was thinking this before he propsed to me, I still kind of wish that he proposed later than he did. We're not married yet and won't be for a few years, and this is a very good thing. He lives with his parents right now since he just graduated college and just got a job, and I told him that I would much rather he live on his own first before we move in together so he knows and I know that he can take care of himself, and that hes not just jumping into wanting to marry me just because. Link to post Share on other sites
BeFree Posted February 18, 2006 Share Posted February 18, 2006 Oh, you got it girl. That's a great plan, I think everyone should live on thier own before they get married. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted February 18, 2006 Share Posted February 18, 2006 I'm just thinking that this issue here is something that will gradually change on its own If it doesn't (and I doubt it will) then don't marry him thinking marriage will bring about the change. People tend to stay in patterns that develop early. It takes a huge effort of will for them to change - and that only happens if and when they want to change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MusicWoman Posted February 18, 2006 Author Share Posted February 18, 2006 thanks!! I think its a good idea too..hehe Link to post Share on other sites
Author MusicWoman Posted February 18, 2006 Author Share Posted February 18, 2006 that last one being in responce to BeFree Outcast, are you saying that you don't think that behavoir of being overly romantic won't calm down in the future? You hear time and time again about people who when they were dating someone, they were romantic...and as the years go by the tend to not be as much because its settled down more... So, you think I have one of those men that trys to hard to be romantic 24/7 and it won't ever calm down? If so why? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
penkitten Posted February 19, 2006 Share Posted February 19, 2006 sounds like he really is trying to be as sweet as he can Link to post Share on other sites
Author MusicWoman Posted February 19, 2006 Author Share Posted February 19, 2006 yea he deffinatly is, which is really sweet, but it comes to be too much sometimes you know? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Hi, I was also engaged after only 3 months and my fiance used to be a bit like that, he would do anything to make me happy, and was always buying me little things to make me smile. Now after only 8 months he doesnt do a thing and I find it hard to believe he loves me a lot of the time! He now expects me to do everything for him and i rarely get a thank you or even a acknowledgement from him when i cook him a special meal or do something nice for him. It makes me think I shouldnt even bother and like you 25% of the time I think I should get out of this relationship before its too late and becomes really difficult, but then the rest of the time I feel so in love with him that I cant imagine life with out him! Its a nightmare! I'm recently engaged, to a man I have only been with for not even 3 months yet. I know this is very soon, I am still in college and my fiancee has just graduated a couple months ago. He is so sweet, and so caring, and would do anything for me, I don't doubt that for a second. This sound completly rediculous but I think sometimes its way too sweet. I have had other serious relationships before, where as he has never had a girlfriend, never slept with anyone before. When he does something sweet and I tell him how much I love it...he decides then he should do it all of the time. Its like, getting a flower once and loving it because its so sweet...and then getting one three times a day it doesn't seem special at all anymore...and gets a bit boring. Some people that I've talked to, and including him, say its just a young relationship thing and that hes trying to hard. I'm trusting in this fact because I hear that things that bug you now you should multiply by 10 and thats how much its gonna bug you in a marraige. Has anyone else had problems like this....(and maybe think too much about things like I do) that make you doubt things 25% of the time..but make you so sure for the rest of the time? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MusicWoman Posted February 25, 2006 Author Share Posted February 25, 2006 well i guess that answers my question on weather or not people can change...in a rather depressing way though! Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 As an old married woman, I remember my H being as sweet as your guy when we were dating. And I remember that kinda icky feeling when he was hovering around a little too close with all that wonderful sweetness. I didn't trust it. But it really was for real, and once I was honest with how he was freaking me out, he backed off a bit. Now, 25 years later, my first inclination was to respond, "Enjoy it while it lasts because once you're married, you won't get it again!" Link to post Share on other sites
Author MusicWoman Posted February 26, 2006 Author Share Posted February 26, 2006 As an old married woman, I remember my H being as sweet as your guy when we were dating. And I remember that kinda icky feeling when he was hovering around a little too close with all that wonderful sweetness. I didn't trust it. But it really was for real, and once I was honest with how he was freaking me out, he backed off a bit. Now, 25 years later, my first inclination was to respond, "Enjoy it while it lasts because once you're married, you won't get it again!" Thanks, all these responses are making me feel like i'm not alone in this. You said you didn't trust it, and I'm having issues on not trusting it either since I am his first girlfriend/first fiancee....sometimes I really have doubts that hes only acting like this because I'm his first, but more and more I'm seeing that hes really acting like this because he really cares. He says he just wants to make me happy and I tell him that his just being there makes me happy and he doesn't have to try so hard...but that doing these things for me makes HIM happy too. He says he also knows that in the future when we are together and he has a better job working from 9 to 5 and we are accually living together, he might not have time to do all of these things for me he does now so that makes him want to do everything for me even more. I guess still that time will only tell Link to post Share on other sites
rude dude Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 Please give the relationship more time. Three months is almost loke a joke. No to offened you ,but really. Not enough time. I think if he is nice to you and you love him, why not wait. there is no rush. Its cool if you do want to still marry him, but please wait a bit first. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MusicWoman Posted February 28, 2006 Author Share Posted February 28, 2006 everyone has their own opinion, but I don't think that three months is always 'a joke'. I'm sure that there are many people out there who were together for even a shorter amount of time before they got engaged. I, of course, as I said earlier, am going to wait two years Link to post Share on other sites
KonRyuu Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 Do you live with the guy? Seeing as you said that he's never had a g/f, I would wait on moving in with him, especially since you've only known him for 3 months. Still be engaged, but instead, treat it more like a b/f, g/f relationship. You know, this way, you can set dates and time to be together. You won't be getting things all the time from him and it won't bug you as much and you'll be able to go out with friends and get some breathing room. This will also give him the chance to either go out and hang around friends or make friends if he doesn't have any. It's always a bad sign when somebody doesn't have any friends, it means that there is a social problem with them. This zealous behavior on his part doesn't necessarily suggest outcast, it sounds more like to me, that because he's never had a g/f, he just wants to make sure he does everything right to keep YOU, and by doing everything which he thinks is making you happy, he thinks that "hey, she won't leave or cheat if she's happy right?". After marriage, it does die down significantly, which is when you'll have to work to keep it going. But if you let it continue to go the way it is, it'll be like a candle burning too hot, it seems great in the beginning, but it quickly burns out and afterwords, it could reverse and you'll greatly regret ever meeting him. This is why I am suggesting that you maybe live separately and not together if you don't already, maybe instead of seeing him EVERY day, taper it down a bit. hang out a couple days a week and one day a week go on a date. Maybe start doing things for him and appear to be zealous to him, he may become annoyed with it. The best way to make someone realize how they're being is for them to see someone else who acts the same EXACT way as they do. This, most of the time, causes a change in behavioral habits. Good luck and great job on waiting 2 years before getting married, that's a good way to take things slowly, you've done better than my wife and I have, we knew eachother for only 2 weeks before being engaged and 4 months until we were married, things are getting better now and we are doing really good, we'll have been married now for 1 year as of May 23rd. I'm 19 and she just turned 20. I'd wait to move in with this guy for atleast 1 year, and then, live with him for a year, if everything still leads towards marriage, get married, but that's how I would go about it. And I wouldn't live next to him either, live atleast 15-20 minutes away from him, otherwise, it's almost like you're living with him anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MusicWoman Posted March 4, 2006 Author Share Posted March 4, 2006 hey thanks for the responce. Right now we live about 50 min away from each other..i told him he needs to get his own place before we live together too..so thats good. Oh, and he has a billion friends....you know in that group of friends theres always the hilarious single guy that you always wonder...why is he single if hes so funny and such a nice guy? yea thats him..lol Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts