Can cancelled wedding ever turn good?

[Guest]

Hi there. Feeling pretty down at the moment as my boyf of 8 years, fiancee of 1 yr (living together 6 yrs), has cancelled our wedding 3 months before the date. Turns out he got scared - cold feet- even though he says he loves me yada yada. Not interested in anyone else etc.

 

Basically the whole wedding scary thing made him wonder if he was our relationship was the route of the problem - and when pushed to make a decision said he didn't feel he could marry.

 

I just wondered for all you that have been through this - did it ever turn out well? Can you carry on living with someone and get back to a good point in your relationship?

 

I know its personal but I was just wondering what our odds are. I honestly thought we were made for each other. He is a quiet and complex man and I'm only the third person he's been with. We thought this was for keeps until the marriage thing came along and spooked him. We have a fantastic relationship - or so I thought! Would appreciate your views as I try and figure what the last 8yrs have been about.

[jmargel]

Why would marriage scare him? He's been living with you for 6 years. Unless he's been seeing others behind your back. I would suggest both of you going to a marriage counselor. Right now even if you were to get married sounds like there are some problems at least with him that could disrupt the marriage.

[sophia34]

I can sympathize with this situation, only I am in your boyfriend's position in this scenario! I have been dating my significant other for 8 years. He recently proposed and I said yes, but I am terrified that this is a mistake. I love him, but I'm not sure we're right for each other. He's in love with me and doesn't want to lose me. We're engaged, but whenever he starts making wedding plans, I find a reason to put him off. I don't want to even think about getting married yet.

 

I have talked with my fiance about my doubts and fears, but neither of us really know what to do about them. I don't have the strength to get up and leave (we're living together), because I don't want to hurt him and I truly don't know what I want or what the right decision is. I also don't want to get married to him and then ruin his life if I find out that it wasn't the right decision.

 

Your boyfriend and I sound like we are exactly the same. Here's what I wish my fiance would do for me (because I'm too weak to do it myself): I wish HE'D suggest some time apart (we've been together for 8 years and I really don't know anything else) to help me through this. I wish he would suggest that we live apart, to help me get my mind straight. And, yes, to make the ultimate decision easier--stay or go. It may also be a time to pursue couples counseling, as someone else suggested. This might be something to give him right now, so he can figure things out.

 

I know this is horrible to suggest for you to do, because it means that he may decide to go, as I might. But he may also decide that life apart from you is not what he wants and realize that marriage IS what he wants. Right now he's too close to the relationship and to you to see things straight. But, either way, it's better than living in limbo. You want him to be as clear-headed on this as possible if you marry him.

 

If he does decide that marriage isn't what he wants and the two of you part, don't think the last 8 years weren't important. I think it was probably incredibly worthwhile to you both, and gave you a lot to take with you moving forward.