Madigan Posted February 19, 2006 Share Posted February 19, 2006 I cheated on my husband with an engaged man. I told my husband the day after it happened. Of course, he walked out. It's been a month and a half since he left. I feel horrible. I feel so guilty. I don't know where my husband is now. I wish I knew that he was safe. I wish I could make things better, but I don't think that things will ever be the same, even if he is gracious enough to talk to me at some point. I sent a letter to him (through his sister) a month ago, apologizing and agreeing to give him the space that he needed. I begged him to come back. I am falling apart. My husband was my best friend. I made a huge mistake and ruined my marriage. I don't know what to do now. Some mornings I wake up and the realization that he may never come back blindsides me. I don't want to live without him. I wish I could go back in time. Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted February 19, 2006 Share Posted February 19, 2006 This is going to be very blunt. You made a decision and didn't stop to think about the consequences of that decision. A lot of people do that. And then they end up regretting the decision. Eventually, you will hear from your husband. Chances are you will wish you hadn't when that time comes. Because I doubt it will be about reconciliation and forgiveness. It will probably be to file divorce or to atleast to make sure you feel guilty enough about what you did. The only advice I can give you is to learn from this. Realize that those "moments of passion" can cause a lifetime of sadness and regret. Know that your decisions can have serious consequences. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted February 19, 2006 Share Posted February 19, 2006 You'll need to give him time to cool off, Madigan. I agree with Devildog though....if he's been gone this long without contact, chances are he's angry enough to end the marriage. The important thing for YOU to do right now is to take care of yourself. It's really difficult to forgive ourselves when we've hurt someone. It causes alot of stress and anxiety. You'll need to pay appropriate attention to caring for your body. That means getting enough sleep, eating right, and abstaining from alcohol or other detrimental substances. Getting plenty of exercize will help too. Your body's 'feel-good' chemicals will respond nicely to that. Talk to your doctor if you have any health concerns. Your husband will contact you eventually. You've got time right now to try to get yourself into a healthier place emotionally. Maybe even to figure out why you did what you did. IC (individual counceling) would be beneficial in helping you sort all that out. You made a choice in doing what you did. Now it's your husband's turn to make HIS choice. Try to respect that. You can release some of your own anxiety, when you realize that your husband's choice is out of your hands. Link to post Share on other sites
GuySimple Posted February 19, 2006 Share Posted February 19, 2006 I feel for you. I read your pain so there is no need for anyone here to pass judgment as stuff happens and it is as simple as that. Many of us have been where you are right now. I believe you have done all you can do for now. I am sure that he has gotten your messages from his sister and will contact you when he is ready. In the meantime. Take some time for yourself to find out a little about your thoughts. I would suggest looking at your relationship and how happy you really are. Try to take your perceptions of his pain out of the picture and concentrate on how you feel. No one wants to hurt anyone and there are better ways to do things. But too often people that do what you have done feel the guilt and remorse that you are feeling and beg the person to take them back even when deep down they were not happy in the relationship. Simply because they don’t want the person to feel bad. When, if there was any shakiness in your relationship before this, throwing yourself to him, to win him back will only make you feel worse in the long run. You would not be doing him any favors by going back into the relationship if it is at all shaky or if there has been a diminishment of respect on either side. Link to post Share on other sites
Rick7370 Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 You didn't love your husband that much if you were willing to cheat on him with somebody else. Whether it happened one time or ten times, you knew the consequences of your actions. Now that your husband was smart enough to leave you, suddenly you regret your decision. So many men in these forums get cheated on and walk around miserable as they stay with their wives. Congratulations to your husband for not being a doormat. Link to post Share on other sites
GuySimple Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 You didn't love your husband that much if you were willing to cheat on him with somebody else. Whether it happened one time or ten times, you knew the consequences of your actions. Now that your husband was smart enough to leave you, suddenly you regret your decision. So many men in these forums get cheated on and walk around miserable as they stay with their wives. Congratulations to your husband for not being a doormat. Wow, don't hold back or nothing. You're going down a dark road where there are no winners. So many spouses have cheated on their mate and felt the guilt that she is feeling and got back together only to have the other person use the cheating as an excuss not to fix what was wrong in the first place. Sorry I don't agree with your comments. There was a better way than she took but that does not mean there were not problems before she took the actions she did. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Madigan Posted February 20, 2006 Author Share Posted February 20, 2006 Thanks GuySimple. Just so everyone knows, I know what I did was wrong. I know I deserved what I got and more. That doesn't change the fact that I want to make it right and that I deeply regret what I did. Link to post Share on other sites
GuySimple Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 I did the same thing as you. My wife and I went to a therapist and the first thing she said is shame on me for doing what I did. The second thing was “OK affairs are a result”, what was the symptom. For years my wife and I never tried to find the symptom and as a result separated last year as a result of the affair I had 8 years ago. There was a better way but you probably should not diminish the reasons why it happened. Take some time to explore your feelings and thoughts. Once your husband comes home, and I expect he will, you will not get much of chance to explore your thoughts as you will be too caught up in protecting your marriage at all costs because you will not want to be the one to end it this way. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 I agree with guysimple. Shame on you for having the affair. But if you really do feel remorse about it, then figure out what led up to the reasons for it to happen in the first place. If you are ever going to be able to save this marriage, your husband needs to know that a) you truely are remorseful for it, b) you completely understand how much pain you've inflicted on HIM, c) you know what led up to the situation and how to prevent it in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Libertine Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Chastise yourself if an affair happened? Yes Resolve to never allow this again? Yes Confess to your priest if practicing your faith? Yes Confess to a friend? NO! Admit to your spouse? NEVER! Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Madigan you did the right thing by telling him. Just let your husband know that when he's ready to talk that you'll be here waiting. Not much more you can do. If you are really down I would suggest seeing a counselor. Perhaps once you get a few sessions in you can tell your husband about this and maybe he would want to join. There's nothing you can do to 'make it up' to him however like the one poster on here said you can find out what really led upto the affair. Click my link in my signature it maybe of some use to you. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 I agree, you did the right thing by telling him. He deserved to know who he was really married to, and to make decisions about his future armed with as much information as possible. The unfortunate result is that the outcome has been very difficult for you, and it wasn't the one you wanted. You weren't "rewarded" for your honesty, but unfortunately, that doesn't change the rightness of having confessed. Sometimes doing the right thing doesn't come with any kind of tangible reward. Sometimes we do the right thing simply because, well, it's the right thing. If you haven't already sought counselling, do so. I agree with the others -- he will eventually contact you. Whether he'll ever want to be married to you again is another question. But the best thing you can do is ensure that, when he does contact you, you have put a lot of effort into learning what was wrong with yourself that led you to cheat. When he contacts you, you need to have some answers for him. And then, you'll need to demonstrate to him that you're willing to do whatever it takes to re-earn his love, his trust, and his respect. You will need to spend the rest of your life making it up to him. Which no doubt sounds like a lot of work, but if you do it right it'll be fun work too. I have to admit, I'm something of a pessimist about these situations. But I sense some genuine remorse and contrition in you. So, follow the above advice. If it doesn't work -- and I won't sugarcoat it, there's a good chance it won't -- at least you'll know you've tried. And if it does, consider yourself lucky to have found such a loving and forgiving partner. Link to post Share on other sites
GuySimple Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 How are you doing Madigan? Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 You cheated, you told him the very next day then he left. I have a feeling that it was exactly what you expected and wanted. Now you make drama out of it. If he discovered your infidelity things would have been different, but you practically bragged about it. I think you basically wanted him out of your life subconsciously. You DID sleep with another man after all, which means you were disappointed in your husband in some way. Sometimes changes hurt, but they are a new beginning that we may long for! Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 You cheated, you told him the very next day then he left. I have a feeling that it was exactly what you expected and wanted. Now you make drama out of it. If he discovered your infidelity things would have been different, but you practically bragged about it. I think you basically wanted him out of your life subconsciously. You DID sleep with another man after all, which means you were disappointed in your husband in some way. Sometimes changes hurt, but they are a new beginning that we may long for! Alright, that is your opinion but everything is not as black and white as it may seem. I think that saying she was BRAGGING about her cheating to her own husband is stretching it a bit now! However, it is a good point that some people cheat because they sunconsciously want the relationship to be over, or at least to grab the attention of their partner. Would many people cheat if their relationship is good, indeed most of us would work things through if they were sttracted to someone else. The question is in these circumstances why were you looking out for someone else in the first place? I mean, we fantasise about celebrities or our gay best friend or whatever, but we know that nothing will come of it and it is silly. So why do some find themselves befriending that certain someone in that specific way? Link to post Share on other sites
greenshift Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 Cheating is incredibly selfish, stupid, infantile, manipulative and down right wrong, regardless of your situation. But, I'm pretty sure you know that already. Having said that: I had an affair after I'd been married about a year. I made a bad decision by not making a decision. I won't say "these things happen," but just because you screwed up doesn't make you Satan. Having said THAT, it may be impossible for you husband to trust you again and, even if he can, you still have to figure out why this happened. Why weren't you thinking "I can't do this to him! He loves me and I love him! We promised, in front of God and everybody we care about, to be faithful!" Did that cross your mind? Why not? Sorry if these responses are harsh; infidelity is not to be taken lightly, and especially among married persons or those who have suffered the intolerable agony that is the result of such betrayal. There may be something to the theory that you did this, subconsciously, to sabotage your marriage. Regardless, if you hope to have any chance of salvaging this debacle, you must completely, totally (yes, both) break contact with the other man. There's no room for compromise on this one. Find a counsellor, see if your husband will meet you there. Whatever you do, don't pressure him. Part of your pennance is uncertainty and fear. It sucks, but it is what it is. I feel for you; be safe. Link to post Share on other sites
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