He pushed me, should I give him another chance?

[LostAboutLife]

I will try to make this short and to the point. Just wanted everyone's personal opinion about this topic. I am a 23 recently graduated college student. I was in a relationship for the past 8-9 months. We lived together...long story but anyway, we always would get into these fights, and I always felt like the relationship was not right at times, I have had many long-term relationships before him. We would fight all the time, not sure if we just are not compatable or it was because we moved in together so soon.

Anyway we got into this fight and he pushed me, so I left. I am at my parents house, which is 150 miles away from him. We have talked and seen eachother since then, and he is going to get some help from a psychologists about what happened.

 

He wants to slowly get back together after he gets help, he says he knows what happened was totally unacceptable, and he is so sorry for what happened. He said that he didn't know what got into him, and that he has never done that before.

 

My problem is that I would consider giving him another chance after he gets help, and he knows that it would be a long distance relationship, he is still in law school, and I would stay at my parents for financial reasons. But my parents just think I should move on. Its hard because my dad won't let him in the house, even after he gets the help he needs, and I know I am old enough to make my own decisions, but I do not want to be with someone that my parents hate with a passion.

 

Has anyone been with someone even though their parents did not approve, or has anyone given a guy a second chance after he was abusive? My real father was very abusive to my mom, but he never wanted to get help for it. Please help me, I need some advice!

[jonny87]

Not just no, but HELL NO.

[cal gal]

No! Don't go back!

 

There are plenty of guys that would never cross that line... now that he has - he will most likely do it again.....

[Fun2BMe]

One of my ex boyfriends once called me a bitch and that was the end of it. I think you should listen to your parents. Imagine if your daughter was physically abused. He can't take back what he did. If he disrespected you that much to do what he did, how can you expect him to treat you better in the future especially if he needs someone to teach him how to. He will lose more respect for you seeing that you are going back to him after what he did and on top of it against your parents wishes. Move on and don't look back.

[jerbear]

I have a funny feeling your ex lost a few mock law cases at school and wants to improve his cross examination skills at home. Well I agree with the other LS'ers about moving on without him.

 

Your father has the right in not allowing him in the house, it is his house and you are his daugther. If your parents hate him with a passion, there is probably some truth in it. At 23 you are not the rebellious teen, maybe a late bloomer but you finished college and respect your parents. Now that is a plus in my book.

 

If you feel the relationship is not right then it is probably not right. Having those fights is probably a sign.

 

Moving in to early is really not an issue. Since you are at home for financial reasons; stay home, save your money. Keep and try to maintain your independence. If you are financially independent, EVEN IF YOU move in, you won't be under his wing financially.

 

Let him get his law school finished, his help, life, and a few other things in order. In the meantime, move on with you life instead of waiting and waiting.

[luvtoto]

I will try to make this short and to the point. Just wanted everyone's personal opinion about this topic. I am a 23 recently graduated college student. I was in a relationship for the past 8-9 months. We lived together...long story but anyway, we always would get into these fights, and I always felt like the relationship was not right at times, I have had many long-term relationships before him. We would fight all the time, not sure if we just are not compatable or it was because we moved in together so soon.

Anyway we got into this fight and he pushed me, so I left. I am at my parents house, which is 150 miles away from him. We have talked and seen eachother since then, and he is going to get some help from a psychologists about what happened.

 

He wants to slowly get back together after he gets help, he says he knows what happened was totally unacceptable, and he is so sorry for what happened. He said that he didn't know what got into him, and that he has never done that before.

 

My problem is that I would consider giving him another chance after he gets help, and he knows that it would be a long distance relationship, he is still in law school, and I would stay at my parents for financial reasons. But my parents just think I should move on. Its hard because my dad won't let him in the house, even after he gets the help he needs, and I know I am old enough to make my own decisions, but I do not want to be with someone that my parents hate with a passion.

 

Has anyone been with someone even though their parents did not approve, or has anyone given a guy a second chance after he was abusive? My real father was very abusive to my mom, but he never wanted to get help for it. Please help me, I need some advice!

 

Lost, I'm sorry about the situation your are in. Did you know your real dad? Were you witness to any of his abusive tendencies? Even though you are pretty torn up about what happened...I commend that you acknowledge the push as abuse. You didn't post that he *just* pushed me. What kind of background does your boyfriend have? Was he subjected to abuse growing up?

 

14 yrs ago, I was in an abusive relationship. I had no family support, so I guess he considered me a target. Looking back on everything, the abusive episodes started out small. The first time, was him twisting my arm for what seemed like no reason. I didn't leave him or set any boundaries or imply that this behavior was unnacceptable to me. Somewhere deep inside, I felt like I deserved it. I pissed him off.

 

The thing with abuse is that it *always* gets worse with time. A push now may lead to a slap later...which will lead to worse.

 

However, I was in a relationship years ago when *I* was pushed by my BF...once. Coming from an abusive relationship before...I demanded that he NEVER touch me again like that. Things got out of hand obviously. To this day, I still hang out with him occasionally and he's like family to me now. Don't know what happened that night. Since then, I've known him to punch a wall or two to let off steam. But, have never considered him an abusive man.

 

You seem to have a good support system lined up and it's reeeeaaallly good that you immediately left.

 

If he is a truely abusive man...he is going to be abusive and there is nothing that will stop it. The behavior WILL rear it's ugly head again. Trust me.

 

I think that abusive behavior carries over to other areas of life. After I left my abuser, I did tons of reading and met up with abusive women in a support group for a year. There were sooo many red-flags when I first got together with him that it was rediculous...but I was really young at the time.

 

My suggestion to you, lost, is to educate yourself about abusive men, their tendencies and the cycles of abuse. This will show you what to expect. Abusive men's actions are VERY similiar. It's like they have a handbook. Once you spot the cycle of an abuser, it will help you make a more informed decision wether to stay or go.

 

Good luck!

[LostAboutLife]

Thank you so much to all the replies, I really appreciate it. It is a really hard decision, and I just do not know what to do. The thing is that he is adopted, so he has a lot of issues from that, and he really wants the help. Its not like he thought it was okay, and that he doesn't want to change.

 

He keeps telling me that I have nothing to lose by still talking to him, and maybe one day getting back together. I still love and care about him a lot, I just do not know what to do.

 

I have not been perfect in this relationship either, but he has stayed beside me regardless of what issues I have. There is no one here that thinks I should give him another chance?

[LostAboutLife]

Lost, I'm sorry about the situation your are in. Did you know your real dad? Were you witness to any of his abusive tendencies? Even though you are pretty torn up about what happened...I commend that you acknowledge the push as abuse. You didn't post that he *just* pushed me. What kind of background does your boyfriend have? Was he subjected to abuse growing up?

 

14 yrs ago, I was in an abusive relationship. I had no family support, so I guess he considered me a target. Looking back on everything, the abusive episodes started out small. The first time, was him twisting my arm for what seemed like no reason. I didn't leave him or set any boundaries or imply that this behavior was unnacceptable to me. Somewhere deep inside, I felt like I deserved it. I pissed him off.

 

The thing with abuse is that it *always* gets worse with time. A push now may lead to a slap later...which will lead to worse.

 

However, I was in a relationship years ago when *I* was pushed by my BF...once. Coming from an abusive relationship before...I demanded that he NEVER touch me again like that. Things got out of hand obviously. To this day, I still hang out with him occasionally and he's like family to me now. Don't know what happened that night. Since then, I've known him to punch a wall or two to let off steam. But, have never considered him an abusive man.

 

You seem to have a good support system lined up and it's reeeeaaallly good that you immediately left.

 

If he is a truely abusive man...he is going to be abusive and there is nothing that will stop it. The behavior WILL rear it's ugly head again. Trust me.

 

I think that abusive behavior carries over to other areas of life. After I left my abuser, I did tons of reading and met up with abusive women in a support group for a year. There were sooo many red-flags when I first got together with him that it was rediculous...but I was really young at the time.

 

My suggestion to you, lost, is to educate yourself about abusive men, their tendencies and the cycles of abuse. This will show you what to expect. Abusive men's actions are VERY similiar. It's like they have a handbook. Once you spot the cycle of an abuser, it will help you make a more informed decision wether to stay or go.

 

Good luck!

See that is what I am thinking, that it could be a one time thing. He knows that if he does it again that will be the end of it. I never thought him to be an abusive man, his parents are not like that towards eachother. He was basically abandoned in a trash can when he was 2 months old, so I am sure that is where a lot of his problems stem from.

 

I wouldn't go back to him unless he really does go get help, I would not even consider it, but he knows that it was wrong.

[luvtoto]

Lost, how well do you know this guy you are dating? Someone, somewhere out there knows his history. Has he dated before you? Is he still friends with any of his X's? Don't be blind about it. Find out!! There is nothing wrong with that. Knowledge is the key to your worries.

[LostAboutLife]

He is still friends with his ex, and he said he never did that to her, because believe me I asked him. His adopted mom was really abusive to him when he was a child, but nothing too serious.

 

Just the fact that he is going to go get help should be a plus. He knows he f*cked up, and that I will not be with someone that treats me that way.

[luvtoto]

Lost, I am gonna head off to bed now...but, one more thing.

 

You seem like a strong...take no $^#* kind of person. I admire that. If I had half of your strength when I was younger I wouldn't have gotten myself into the mess I did. Just stick to that attitude and it will get you through this.

 

Sorry to hear about his story. That was sad. Has he ever sought out counseling before?

 

Also, one more thing that I am sure you already know. But, I'm gonna say it anyway. No matter what you did to him...no matter what he is dealing with in his mind...it is not your fault that he pushed you. That is NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR in any relationship. I think you know that already, I just heard you starting to *excuse* the push.

[luvtoto]

He is still friends with his ex, and he said he never did that to her, because believe me I asked him. His adopted mom was really abusive to him when he was a child, but nothing too serious.

 

Just the fact that he is going to go get help should be a plus. He knows he f*cked up, and that I will not be with someone that treats me that way.

 

Lost, I think you are doing the right thing. You have plenty of self-esteem and respect for yourself. Doesn't sound like you are letting him off the hook too easily. HOWEVER, just in talking to you about him, I am seeing an abusive pattern with him. He has some deep-seated emotions, hurt, anger, and scars about his past.

 

Just stand by your convictions. Draw the line in the sand and do not cross it. Also, making excuses for his behavior is a trap that you don't want to get caught up in.

[princess75]

Hi, best advice I can give you: never go back to him, no matter if your heart criues he is theo ne...MOVE ON>

[Fun2BMe]

By the time he does it again (it's only a matter of time, and I'm sure he's a nice guy, they all can be) you will have developed more feelings for him and it will be even harder for you to leave. There's NO excuse, even if he was adopted, has gone through a hard time...also please stop making excuses for you being at fault/deserving as far as saying you weren't perfect in the relationship either, implies that it is ok for you to be with him. We can only give advice. You have to leave him. Why choose him over your parents on top of it?