Tony, I am a serious co-dependant

[Lola]

Tony,

 

I have read your responses to other's questions, and I too would like you advice.

 

I have finally put a name to my misery. Co-dependancy. I enable my boyfriend (2 1/2 years) to go on doing things that I don't like.

 

If he begs for things long enough, I just give in. I don't even feeling like arguing anymore. I just feel numb when I am around him. I don't want to kiss or hug, much less have sex. I have sex when I have too, and that is exactly how I feel. I think to myself... "well, it has been 4 days (or whatever length of time), I guess I have to now."

 

There have been times (4 in the past year) that I have refused sex (after arguing about it for 1 - 2 hours in the midddle of the night). Like I said, there were 4 times... I have woken up and we are either having sex or foreplay. I tried to pretend I was sleeping, that didn't work. I get mad the next day. He says (still to this day) that I wasn't sleeping, I was moaning and participating. Because I was feigning sleep, I know that this is a lie. I wonder if he actually believes it?

 

I love going to work and I hate coming home. It is my house, so I can't leave. I have asked him to move out, he just argues about it with me until I am sick and tired of hearing about it (hours - 2 to 4). I find myself saying constantly "forget it, never mind, it doesn't matter". And that is how I feel, that nothing matters.

 

I have tried to talk to my Mom and Sister, they don't see everything that I do (good and bad). They think that we should be able to work things out. Personally, I think they both "settled" on their relationship and I don't want to.

 

I have tried talking to my friends, they tell me I'm an idiot for staying, then they tell me about their relationship problems. Sometimes mine don't seem all that bad, when compared to theirs. I think, how can you tell me I'm an idiot when you are in a relationship that is like that? I don't give them advice, because I can't fix my own life.

 

What can I say to this guy to make him understand? What can I do for myself to break my co-dependant behavior?

 

I feel like I have to wait for him to do something wrong before I can tell him that I want him to leave, because otherwise I don't have a reason.

 

I'm sure that you are thinking, this isn't difficult, tell him to get out. The thing is, I am more worried about hurting him. It sucks.

[Tony T]

You better start taking control of your life or life will mow you down, stomp you in to the pavenment, and work you into the subsoil.

 

You simply have to tell this guy to move, leave, get away, don't bother you, get out of your life. End. Period. No further discussion necessary.

 

You can't live your life worrying about hurting other people's feelings. You do not have that power. People hurt their own feelings based on how they interpret data. If you do hurt his feelings, you do so only because he gave you the power to. People who give other people power over how they feel are crazy as hell. If this guy cared even an ounce for you he would see that you were unhappy and get out of your life.

 

So why should you care about the feelings of a guy who doesn't care if you're miserable or not? That's just plain crazy.

 

There is absolutely nothing anybody can say or do until you realize that this is the only life you will ever have, you could die today (God forbid), in an uncertain world, every breath could be our last...so why in heaven's name would you want to spend what could possibly be your last moments of life in misery?

 

If you stay in this situation it is your fault and nobody elses. If you need a counsellor to help motivate you to take control of your life, by all means seek one out at your earliest opportunity.

[Lola]

Thank you for your response. I guess I just want to make sure that I make the right decision.

 

I believe that everything happens for a reason and in the end, everything will work out for the best. I guess the one thing I can say about this relationship, is that I can learn from it.

 

Thank you for your advice, one more question. How do you feel about tarot readings (not by Miss Cleo), but by a friend who has a pretty good reputation of being accurate? Should I put any faith in that?

[Tony T]

Tarot readings, psychic readings, numerology, etc., are for entertainment purposes only.

 

If you base any action you take in life on some type of new age gump, you have given up your free will and left it to the fruitcake who gave you the information.

 

While some of these people seem to be on target some of the time, even the esteemed Nostradamus was off on some things.

 

Desperate people look to the supernatural for hope in times of great despair. But the power that comes from within will never let you down. Use your own intuitive power to get you through your days.

 

By the way, the Psychic Friends Network went bankrupt six years ago...that's 1-900-BANKRUPT. First ten minutes free...and that's all it was worth. At least Dionne Warwick can still sing and make a living.