Letter to the OW

[silktricks]

A letter to my H’s OW. (posted on two forums)

 

You wanted my husband. You thought him a gentle man, and truth to tell, he is. But he’s also a fierce proud warrior of a man. A man not to be taken lightly. A man who holds his views fiercely and his family tightly.

 

I forgive you for wanting my husband. He is, after all, a very wantable, very lovable man. He’s handsome, kind, generous and giving. He is a joy to be around, marvelous with children and more intelligent than anyone I’ve ever met. I fell for him the minute I met him, I can’t blame you for doing so as well. I don’t blame you, I even forgive you for loving him, but love is more than nice words. Love is more than letters. Love is more than a few meetings on the sly.

 

Love is holding. Love is wiping your lover’s tears, even when you were the cause of those tears. Love is history and caring and sharing. Love is taking care of someone in sickness and health. Love is being willing to let go if that is what the other person needs. Love is putting their health, their safety their good above yours. Love is day after day after day looking out for one another. Love is mending the cracks and strains of life, picking up and carrying on. Love is seeing all of the other person’s faults and foibles and loving them not in spite of them, but because of them. Love is seeing yourself in the other person, and loving in your mate what you despise in yourself. Love is a continuous learning and growing process. That love is what my husband and I have once again.

 

Sometimes in the middle of love you fall apart. Sometimes you get so ill, and with the illness so depressed, that all you can do is put one foot in front of the other, hoping someday you’ll get well, and feel OK again. When that happens to two people at the same time, even two people who love each other, they can’t take care of each other the way they should. If in the middle of that pain a 3rd person starts telling one of them how wonderful he is, anyone can make a mistake. Anyone can find an illusion alluring.

 

You thought you loved my husband and because of that it didn’t matter that he was married. I’m sure you convinced yourself that he loved you, just as I’m sure that he allowed you to believe that he loved you. From you he was getting something he wanted, someone to tell him how great he was when he was feeling terrible. He wanted to keep hearing that he was great. He used you.

 

You thought him in love with you. You were wrong. You thought he wanted you. You were wrong. You thought he would leave me for you. You were wrong. You thought he was committed to you. You were wrong. You thought you could manipulate him. You were wrong. You thought you had him. You were wrong.

 

So, I forgive you for wanting him. I forgive you for loving him. I forgive him for wanting someone to be nice to him at a time when I couldn’t. I forgive him his deception, I forgive him his loss of honor. I forgive myself for leaving him at a time when he needed me. I forgive myself for not giving when I was unable to give.

 

What I don’t forgive you for is your harassment. You had no right to repeatedly call my home, you had no right to call my home ever. You had no right to park in front of my house to stare/glare at me. You had no right to attempt to hit me with your car in the grocery parking lot. You had no right to continue attempting to contact my husband after he told you it was over. You had no right to continue e-mailing for months. You had no right to continue calling for a year. You had no right to drive two people to the brink of death over your single-minded desire to get what you wanted and to satisfy your ego. These things I will never forgive.

[Chump64]

Great letter, esp. the last paragraph. Are you sure she will see it?

 

And I agree, all the stuff she did was terrible. In my case, the OW came into MY house and f*cked MY husband. For years. And he did the same in her house. Fortunately for us, it was our old house vs. the one we are in now.

 

Unlike you, I may not be able to forgive.

[Art_Critic]

Have either of you thought about also blaming your husbands ??

 

It seems that you have put your husband on a pedistal.. he cheated on you

[Chump64]

Oh have no fear, AC. I hold my husband about 95 percent responsible. After all, he married me; she didn't.

[newbby]

silk tricks,

is this a letter for sending? or just for purging your thoughts?

if it is the former, then what do you hope to achieve by this letter? i'm not criticising, just asking.

[newbby]

okay, i want to pick your letter apart now. sorry.

You wanted my husband. You thought him a gentle man, and truth to tell, he is. But he’s also a fierce proud warrior of a man. A man not to be taken lightly. A man who holds his views fiercely and his family tightly.

you sound as though you are trying to convince her of this.

but from her perspective, he didnt seem to be holding his family (wife) very tightly at all. so maybe this is what upsets you. you are trying to undo what he did, by trying to rewrite her perspective. this is something that alot of bw seem to struggle with the most. that the ow see their h as wanting them, and not their wives.

I forgive you for wanting my husband. He is, after all, a very wantable, very lovable man. He’s handsome, kind, generous and giving. He is a joy to be around, marvelous with children and more intelligent than anyone I’ve ever met. I fell for him the minute I met him, I can’t blame you for doing so as well. I don’t blame you, I even forgive you for loving him, but love is more than nice words. Love is more than letters. Love is more than a few meetings on the sly.

forgiveness too, is more than words. this doesnt sound forgiving at all, but, rather an attempt to rub in her face what you have and she wanted but didnt get. i see this is your intention, anyway.

Love is holding. Love is wiping your lover’s tears, even when you were the cause of those tears. Love is history and caring and sharing. Love is taking care of someone in sickness and health. Love is being willing to let go if that is what the other person needs. Love is putting their health, their safety their good above yours. Love is day after day after day looking out for one another. Love is mending the cracks and strains of life, picking up and carrying on. Love is seeing all of the other person’s faults and foibles and loving them not in spite of them, but because of them. Love is seeing yourself in the other person, and loving in your mate what you despise in yourself. Love is a continuous learning and growing process. That love is what my husband and I have once again.

although this bit is quite good, and would certainly educate her on what her mm was really like at home, why do you feel you need to tell her this?

Sometimes in the middle of love you fall apart. Sometimes you get so ill, and with the illness so depressed, that all you can do is put one foot in front of the other, hoping someday you’ll get well, and feel OK again. When that happens to two people at the same time, even two people who love each other, they can’t take care of each other the way they should. If in the middle of that pain a 3rd person starts telling one of them how wonderful he is, anyone can make a mistake. Anyone can find an illusion alluring.

it may not have been quite how it happened. did she spring up out of nowhere and begin telling him how wonderful he was? i doubt it. i am sure from his view, in retrospect, and condensing the whole a into a single act, it is exactly what happened with him. he needed an ego boost and she gave it, he fell into it because she made him feel good. this does not mean however (and i am sure this is the misconception alot of wives have) that she was throwing out compliments to him. it may mean that he began flirting outrageously with her, and she was receptive to it. it may mean anything at all, but from her perspective, it probably did not seem that she was doing the chasing, charming, and flattering. again, how can you blame her for this view of events? and why do you feel the need to change them? this is what you need to deal with.

You thought you loved my husband and because of that it didn’t matter that he was married. I’m sure you convinced yourself that he loved you, just as I’m sure that he allowed you to believe that he loved you. From you he was getting something he wanted, someone to tell him how great he was when he was feeling terrible. He wanted to keep hearing that he was great. He used you.

i am sure it mattered very much that he was married! again you have absolved your h of any responsibility here. his part was not active, "allowing" something to happen rather than being a part of making it happen.

i am sure the ow already feels used enough. she probably feels tricked, used, discarded and just absolutely worthless.

You thought him in love with you. You were wrong. You thought he wanted you. You were wrong. You thought he would leave me for you. You were wrong. You thought he was committed to you. You were wrong. You thought you could manipulate him. You were wrong. You thought you had him. You were wrong.

if i got a letter from my exmm's wife saying that i had tried to manipulate him, i would, well actually i would not be surprised at all.... on all the other things, she probably realises now, that she was wrong, and cusses him for manipulating her to believe otherwise.

So, I forgive you for wanting him. I forgive you for loving him. I forgive him for wanting someone to be nice to him at a time when I couldn’t. I forgive him his deception, I forgive him his loss of honor. I forgive myself for leaving him at a time when he needed me. I forgive myself for not giving when I was unable to give.

i dont know why, but this still sounds as though, you are saying she was the one solely responsible for the a.

What I don’t forgive you for is your harassment. You had no right to repeatedly call my home, you had no right to call my home ever. You had no right to park in front of my house to stare/glare at me. You had no right to attempt to hit me with your car in the grocery parking lot. You had no right to continue attempting to contact my husband after he told you it was over. You had no right to continue e-mailing for months. You had no right to continue calling for a year. You had no right to drive two people to the brink of death over your single-minded desire to get what you wanted and to satisfy your ego. These things I will never forgive.

look, i dont know if she tried to run you over in her car or not. i do know that the way you (and many other bw) see things, an intruder came into your life to attack you, and take everything from you. it was an ATTACK of you. it may have warped your perception of events, but,i dont know...perhaps you can explain this bit more...

she probably thought she had every right to do all the contacting. after being invited to call your home/email by him, it probably did not seem intrusive at all. my exmm pursued me for ages, he was relentless in it. he then had a relationship with me, where he convinced me that his marriage was over/ending/definetly on the rocks/a sham/purely for practical reasons (worded depending on the level of convincing he needed to achieve). so yeah, after countless emails etc to me and a relationship of sorts, i would say that i had a right to contact him and ask for an explanation. of course the reasonable part of me would say, well he was married so it was always a risk that i was being played and used. however, i naturally have that reasoning ability and dont get overly emotional about these things. to an emotional person i can imagine it would be very difficult to accept that a seemingly loving relationship was actually all a big lie, a farce.

this is different to harrassment of course, and nobody has a right to harrass anybody. if it really took her a whole year with nc from your h, then that is quite extreme.

[OzGirl]

For all it's worth... *my opinion*....

 

You wanted my husband. You thought him a gentle man, and truth to tell, he is. But he’s also a fierce proud warrior of a man. A man not to be taken lightly. A man who holds his views fiercely and his family tightly.

 

Maybe, your husband wanted her, and told her she was individual, unique, beautiful, and he laughed at her jokes a lot. Maybe she didn't think he was gentle as much as he was fascinating and funny. A fierce proud warrior? Or an unashamedly predator? Oh, and are the values of holding the family tightly and his views (by the way - do these include the fundamentally basic moral ones?) - was this something he always had? Clearly, it's only post-affair (maybe the OW helped him bring these to his realisation - or, no, was that you - when you found out he was cheating on you?).

 

 

I forgive you for wanting my husband. He is, after all, a very wantable, very lovable man. He’s handsome, kind, generous and giving. He is a joy to be around, marvelous with children and more intelligent than anyone I’ve ever met. I fell for him the minute I met him, I can’t blame you for doing so as well. I don’t blame you, I even forgive you for loving him, but love is more than nice words. Love is more than letters. Love is more than a few meetings on the sly.

 

Forgive her? I'm sure she feels much better...no humbler....no sadder... no, wait... what's the point in saying that again? Do you think that's what she seeks from you? She seeks that from herself, I would imagine.... no you. But, throwing it in the letter, I'm sure, made you feel elevated - and let's be honest, this letter is really about you and how you feel, isn't it?

 

As for him being intellegent - well, yes, I'm sure he is. (1xwife)+(1xmistress)=High IQ.

 

You're right about love - it IS a doing word, not a saying word. I wonder if that is also a new-found theory of your husbands in the light of what he's done to you? Maybe we could re-visit his massive intelligence at this point: (1xaffair)=(1xnot demonstrating love to my wife).

 

Love is holding. Love is wiping your lover’s tears, even when you were the cause of those tears. Love is history and caring and sharing. Love is taking care of someone in sickness and health. Love is being willing to let go if that is what the other person needs. Love is putting their health, their safety their good above yours. Love is day after day after day looking out for one another. Love is mending the cracks and strains of life, picking up and carrying on. Love is seeing all of the other person’s faults and foibles and loving them not in spite of them, but because of them. Love is seeing yourself in the other person, and loving in your mate what you despise in yourself. Love is a continuous learning and growing process. That love is what my husband and I have once again.

 

I really do hope he had the decency to at least pass you a tissue, let alone wipe your tears for you if this upset you. (I won't bother addressing all the examples - they are all equally obvious, and are all equally applicable to what the OW probably thought she was providing him, too. It's something you and the OW have in common - caring, forgiving traits to "bend" and accept him the way he was - baggage and all.

 

Sometimes in the middle of love you fall apart. Sometimes you get so ill, and with the illness so depressed, that all you can do is put one foot in front of the other, hoping someday you’ll get well, and feel OK again. When that happens to two people at the same time, even two people who love each other, they can’t take care of each other the way they should. If in the middle of that pain a 3rd person starts telling one of them how wonderful he is, anyone can make a mistake. Anyone can find an illusion alluring.

 

Why are you excusing him? Does that justify you still being with him? You don't need to justify that to anyone - let alone the OW. Sounds like you're practicing the art of self-deception. Why not see a doctor, or a psychologist? Are you promoting OW as having theraputic value? I mean, maybe not very good theraputic value, as it seems, but retrospectively, it was understandable that he did this....??? Did HE tell you that??!!

 

You thought you loved my husband and because of that it didn’t matter that he was married. I’m sure you convinced yourself that he loved you, just as I’m sure that he allowed you to believe that he loved you. From you he was getting something he wanted, someone to tell him how great he was when he was feeling terrible. He wanted to keep hearing that he was great. He used you.

 

You ASSUME she loved your husband and didn't matter that he was married. What if your HUSBAND loved her - well, told her at least, and showed her as well? What if they had a fantastic time together, and he said his foot was already out the door of his marriage anyway? Maybe, she wanted to be loved, and it FELT so real and great, and the attention from him was unrelenting and he pursued her to the point she was almost overwhelmed? After all, he's so charming and wonderful, right? No woman in their right mind could resist him, by the sounds of things. I agree with you, though - he used her. Hmmmmm... he sounds like a REALLY nice guy... *somebody hose me down*.

 

You thought him in love with you. You were wrong. You thought he wanted you. You were wrong. You thought he would leave me for you. You were wrong. You thought he was committed to you. You were wrong. You thought you could manipulate him. You were wrong. You thought you had him. You were wrong.

 

You think he's always been in love with you - am I wrong? You thought he'd never look at another woman like he looks at you - am I wrong? You felt threatened by this - am I wrong? You thought he was committed to you - am I wrong? You think you can manipulate how the OW feels by writing this letter - am I wrong? She never thought she had him - she thought she was going to have him - because that's what he told her - but she was always well aware that you "had" him. You call it "had", he possibly told the OW he was "trapped".

 

So, I forgive you for wanting him. I forgive you for loving him. I forgive him for wanting someone to be nice to him at a time when I couldn’t. I forgive him his deception, I forgive him his loss of honor. I forgive myself for leaving him at a time when he needed me. I forgive myself for not giving when I was unable to give.

 

Good - for EVERYONE involved, forgiveness is the final point prior to the "indifference". Sounds like you're not there, because if you were, this letter wouldn't have been penned, but you're moving forward, venting anger, propping yourself up, and justifying why you are still with him - because you forgive him. Some crimes of the heart are unforgivable - which leads to your next paragraph...

 

What I don’t forgive you for is your harassment. You had no right to repeatedly call my home, you had no right to call my home ever. You had no right to park in front of my house to stare/glare at me. You had no right to attempt to hit me with your car in the grocery parking lot. You had no right to continue attempting to contact my husband after he told you it was over. You had no right to continue e-mailing for months. You had no right to continue calling for a year. You had no right to drive two people to the brink of death over your single-minded desire to get what you wanted and to satisfy your ego. These things I will never forgive.

 

Let me start by saying, I do not condone harrassing and agressive behaviour. I'm in a rational state of mind. But... what if she's ringing you to tell you he's still cheating on you? What if she doesn't want him, and isn't, in fact, wanting him back (I'm sure he told you that's why she's doing it, though), but trying to warn you? Fair enough - that's not her job to do, necessarily, but really - you are saying exactly what many wives, I'm sure, believe.

 

As for the rest of the agressive or intimidating behaviour - you're right, it's not okay. But, just like you were in some place of inability to satisfy your husband's needs, and now say you understand and forgive him for turning to a 3rd party to make him feel better.... maybe, the OW had NO ONE when he effectively stopped seeing her. I mean, who would sympathise with her? What did she expect, she was seeing a married man, right? Mind you, this one in particular - he's so smart and loving.... okay, so let's assume for only a nano-second (any longer would be too long, I feel) that he's Mr Wonderful. He's swept her off her feet, made promises, the whole shebang. Then, he's gone. To another woman. I've felt that rage, that anger, that adrenalin. At that point, there's no objective rationalisation that it's okay - because the other woman is his wife. He's left her for someone he's probably said nothing but derogatory comments about. Not only has he left. He left for someone who, from the OW's perspective, isn't even a better gain for him. This isn't about ego for her. It's about heartbreak, of the most repulsive and humiliating kind, and it's lonely, and soul-destroying.

 

You're not the only one who has either suffered at the hands of this man, or feels the need to DO something about it. For you, right now - it's write a letter. For her... who knows.

 

Understandably, I'm sure you have neither any sympathy for her, or appreciation of my comments. But, the person you should be focusing your energy on is yourself, and your husband, and HE should have ended it so that she didn't feel compelled to torment you. After all, my bets are - he started it.

 

I sympathise with your position, but just because you are the wife, don't assume that the OW is the scarlett mistress, and you are innocent... the focus should be on the man who did this to you both - because until he let this happen, you were BOTH innocent of having to be sucked into this horrid situation.

 

And, for all it's worth (and, yes, I realise it's nothing).... sometimes a weed is just weed. No point over-exaggerating facts and trying to convince yourself, or anyone else, that something is better than it actually is, now is there....

[newbby]

I really do hope he had the decency to at least pass you a tissue, let alone wipe your tears for you if this upset you. (I won't bother addressing all the examples - they are all equally obvious, and are all equally applicable to what the OW probably thought she was providing him, too. It's something you and the OW have in common - caring, forgiving traits to "bend" and accept him the way he was - baggage and all.

very well written ozgirl, excellent points.

[whichwayisup]

Great note to the OW, but you said way too much that she really didn't need to know. Like your own personal thoughts. That is none of her business. But, it's done, she has the email by now ... Only thing is, has this opened a can of worms again? Will she let go and never bother you two again???

 

I would have added...If you love my husband as much as you think you do - Let him go now. He isn't and wasn't ever yours. So if you want the best for him, move on and don't look back.

 

Good luck and I hope YOU feel better by sending that email.

[whichwayisup]

I just read the other replies in your thread, and all I can say is I hope that your husband appreciates you and what you did here by writing the OW. If he EVER cheats on you again, boot his ass to the curb and change the locks. He is LUCKY he's getting a second chance right now! You have a big forgiving heart - I hope he knows this too and doesn't take advantage of that fact.

[No Stress Lady]

 

You wanted my husband. You thought him a gentle man, and truth to tell, he is. But he’s also a fierce proud warrior of a man. A man not to be taken lightly. A man who holds his views fiercely and his family tightly.

 

 

 

I totally understand your need to vent but it does sounds like you have a very rose-tinted view of your husband - surely the man you describe is not the man who would ever cheat on you!!!! The man you describe sounds like a saint!!!!!!!

 

It's not all the OW's fault - he played a starring role in this too.

 

Remember too, your husband is the only one who knows the whole story - not you, not the OW. Only he knows what B***S*** he told her.

 

I agree that harassment is unacceptable but remember that your husband had given her the encouragement by embarking on an affair in the first place.

 

Good luck with your marriage - I hope you can both work things through.

[RedRose73]

Silk

 

I;m sorry but that letter is blaming the other woman for everything.

How do u know he didn't love her, how do u know he didn't persue her.

 

My ex MM persued me, he was the one that came running after me.

 

& i'm sorry the love part, IF YOU HAD ALL THIS LOVE WITH YOUR HUSBAND & IT WAS A GREAT MARRIAGE I'M SORRY BUT

 

' LOVE ISN'T STRAYING FROM YOUR WIFE'

 

i think u might have it all wrong as to what u & ur husband have. I think u think u have all that love, but to be honest with u, if u did he wouldn't have slept with another women.

 

How can u write that letter? I think u have it all wrong!! Your husband is the one to blame here, not the OW, He cheated on u, she's not married, he is.

[RedRose73]

Oz Girl good post!

U tell it how it is.

 

I am still shocked by this letter!!! After being the OW, this letter is so untrue. My MM was the one who manipulated me, & i think so did Silks husband, that is what married men do.

 

I think silk is just a scorned women that is hurting. I think she needs to get help & realize what kind of man her husband really is. Cause by her letter she obvioulsy has no idea.

[OzGirl]

Having just read some other posts by you in the ROMANTIC->MARRIAGE->INFIDELITY forums, the one I note was posted today was your "revenge fantasy" for the OW.

 

You say you've forgiven her - are these fantasies part of that feeling... REALLY????

 

Just like "love", "forgiveness" is a doing word, not just a saying word.

[OldEurope]

A letter to my H’s OW. (posted on two forums)

 

Love is holding. Love is wiping your lover’s tears, even when you were the cause of those tears. Love is history and caring and sharing. Love is taking care of someone in sickness and health. Love is being willing to let go if that is what the other person needs. Love is putting their health, their safety their good above yours. Love is day after day after day looking out for one another. Love is mending the cracks and strains of life, picking up and carrying on. Love is seeing all of the other person’s faults and foibles and loving them not in spite of them, but because of them. Love is seeing yourself in the other person, and loving in your mate what you despise in yourself. Love is a continuous learning and growing process. That love is what my husband and I have once again.

 

.... You had no right to drive two people to the brink of death over your single-minded desire to get what you wanted and to satisfy your ego. These things I will never forgive.

 

 

Very often an "OW" is precisely the woman who becomes the source of love and healing for a man who finds himself in an emotionless, spiritless, sexless, altogether isolating marriage. I am sorry, but not all of these women are out to "satisfy their ego", but are friends who become lovers and often the wives to men who have come to them in despair and a desire for human relationship.

A man can fall deeply in love with an OW, who is very often more educated, more desirable, more caring and patient, than a wife who has spent years if not decades believing that marriage is but an entitlement, an entire "what-have-you-done-for-me-lately" attitude.

 

My words are sharp, and they are not to be applied perhaps in most cases. And my sympathies are more often than not with the wife. When I read the posts of LadyJane or Mopar the positive "image" I have of them is exactly what comes to mind. No wife deserves torment, and no man should have an affair--he should divorce first, I would agree. But where there are children or financial committments, I could see where that cannot be the first thought.

 

However, in long-standing marriage breakdowns and affairs that take on a deeply serious component, I can only say, it takes two to tango.

 

Your energies would be better spent on your own state of mind, activity and your marriage. Not on a young woman who was, I am sorry to say, pursued also if not predominately, by your husband. Lay off.

[whichwayisup]

How can u write that letter? I think u have it all wrong!! Your husband is the one to blame here, not the OW, He cheated on u, she's not married, he is.

 

She has every right to write a letter and she has a right to feel what she felt, and write it all down.

 

Ofcourse her husband is to blame! BIG TIME! But, the OW is partially to blame as she did NOT say NO to him, knowing he was married, knowing she was falling for someone she could never 'have' forever on her terms. The OW HAS to be accountable for her actions, just as her husband. She isn't an innocent victim in that situation.

[silktricks]

silk tricks,

is this a letter for sending? or just for purging your thoughts?

if it is the former, then what do you hope to achieve by this letter? i'm not criticising, just asking.

just for purging. sending it would only create problems.

[RedRose73]

yeah i agree but that letter is totally blaming the other women.

he manipulated her, not other way around.

 

If silks husband loves her like she says, i'm sorry he would have never slept with another women.

 

Here is something to blow your minds.

 

If a man loves his wife so much, could he be having sex with the OW & on the phone with his wife at the same time, like mine did?

 

No that is not love in my book, sorry!

[whichwayisup]

If silks husband loves her like she says, i'm sorry he would have never slept with another women.

 

People make mistakes and cheat for various reasons. MOST of the affairs you read about, usually have other underlying issues either neglect or the person who cheated has needs that weren't met, and allow themselves to open up and fall into someone elses arms.

 

People grow apart, but that doesn't mean the love isn't there. Sometimes that intense new crushy feeling that someone else brings out in you TAKES OVER and could lead to an affair. Really has nothing to do with the person loving or not loving his/her wife/ husband.

 

Some MM do love their wives, some wives love their husbands even during an affair. And some don't. Everybody is different and it's unfair to lump ALL into one category. Like not all OW are mean and manipulative.

 

In your situation, I think your MM is just pure selfish and is set in his ways RR. He does love his wife, enough that they are still together. I know you don't want to believe that, but he has lied to everybody about everything.

[silktricks]

look, i dont know if she tried to run you over in her car or not. i do know that the way you (and many other bw) see things, an intruder came into your life to attack you, and take everything from you. it was an ATTACK of you. it may have warped your perception of events, but,i dont know...perhaps you can explain this bit more...

what happened is that she saw us together in the grocery store parking lot. i was walking toward the store and she came speeding through and would have hit me had my husband not grabbed me out of the way. so - was she TRYING to hit me? i think yes - not thought through, not premeditated, but at the moment fury towards me, yes trying to hit me is appropriate.

she probably thought she had every right to do all the contacting. after being invited to call your home/email by him, it probably did not seem intrusive at all.

she was never given our phone number. She also gathered my personal cell phone number somehow, and called it as well. Just harassing calls. No speaking.

 

my exmm pursued me for ages, he was relentless in it. he then had a relationship with me, where he convinced me that his marriage was over/ending/definetly on the rocks/a sham/purely for practical reasons (worded depending on the level of convincing he needed to achieve). so yeah, after countless emails etc to me and a relationship of sorts, i would say that i had a right to contact him and ask for an explanation.

I appreciate your pain, newbby, and see your sorrow, but that is your experience, and this is mine. The phone calls were not asking for anything. They were pure harassment. It was many anonymous phone calls sometimes many in a day. When either of us would answer she would hang up. That went on for over a year until we finally changed the phone number.

[whichwayisup]

She seemed obsessed and not able to let go of your husband.

 

Has it all stopped now? is she still trying to call?

 

That is very scarey, her trying to run you over. I don't think I'd ever be able to forgive that. Yet I'm sure she in her mind, she justified it. Just shows how unbalanced she is/was. I hope one day she gets some help to fix her life and her way of thinking.

[newbby]

People make mistakes and cheat for various reasons. MOST of the affairs you read about, usually have other underlying issues either neglect or the person who cheated has needs that weren't met, and allow themselves to open up and fall into someone elses arms.

allow themselves to fall????strange usage of the language here, makes mm seem like the vulnerable helpless one, whilst ow stands with her net waiting, having bewitched him with cunning words.

People grow apart, but that doesn't mean the love isn't there. Sometimes that intense new crushy feeling that someone else brings out in you TAKES OVER and could lead to an affair. Really has nothing to do with the person loving or not loving his/her wife/ husband.

sure thing, but that realisation only comes in retrospect, for both ow and mm.

Like not all OW are mean and manipulative.

but the majority however...........?

[newbby]

what happened is that she saw us together in the grocery store parking lot. i was walking toward the store and she came speeding through and would have hit me had my husband not grabbed me out of the way. so - was she TRYING to hit me? i think yes - not thought through, not premeditated, but at the moment fury towards me, yes trying to hit me is appropriate.

 

she was never given our phone number. She also gathered my personal cell phone number somehow, and called it as well. Just harassing calls. No speaking.

 

 

I appreciate your pain, newbby, and see your sorrow, but that is your experience, and this is mine. The phone calls were not asking for anything. They were pure harassment. It was many anonymous phone calls sometimes many in a day. When either of us would answer she would hang up. That went on for over a year until we finally changed the phone number.

silk tricks, yes, that is why i asked for more information. from what you say, she certainly sounds obsessive and messed up.

i am not in pain, or sorrow, from mm. other things maybe. so no pain coloured my assessment of your letter, but perhaps an expectation that the ow is cast in the worst possible light and especially in contrast with the mm. however, i did consider that you may have actually been dealing with a very messed up person.

very good that you DID NOT send the letter, and definetly, do not send one.

[RedRose73]

Newby -

 

Yes my ex MM was very selfish. However, I know for a fact that he doesn't love his wife. The reason for him not leaving had more to do with his kids, losing his $$ & starting over with a family again at his age, 54.

 

A man that could talk to his wife during sex with the OW & hangs up & laughs about it , is not a man that loves his wife, sorry!

[newbby]

Newby -

 

Yes my ex MM was very selfish. However, I know for a fact that he doesn't love his wife. The reason for him not leaving had more to do with his kids, losing his $$ & starting over with a family again at his age, 54.

 

A man that could talk to his wife during sex with the OW & hangs up & laughs about it , is not a man that loves his wife, sorry!

i think you meant to reply this to wwiu,

but since you are speaking to me, yes i agree he doesnt sound as though he loves her, or anyone, he sounds like a cold, manipulative, a**hole. not too unlike my exmm, actually. arent we glad we are free of that, eh?