Letter to the OW

[RedRose73]

Newby

 

Did i mention that he was having sex with me in his wife's house in their own bed, while talking on the phone to her??

 

This is not love, he didn't leave cause he loved her, sorry!!

[RedRose73]

OPSSSSSSSSSSSss

sorry newby that was meant for WWIU!

 

Yes he was very cold, manipulative a**hole & yes i am glad that we are away from that. They could have been doing that to us, just think!!

[newbby]

huh???? i'm getting confused

[CeeJayXXX]

I am an OW....I read your letter. I think your letter would more feed the ego of the OW than upset her. (Although I understand your hurt and anger that you wanted to vent.) The part about how she was wrong about what she thought she would get away with so many things is the only part that would hurt her.

 

You are letting her, once again, destroy your life....

 

I do, however, think the phone calls and all other harrassment she has dealt to you and H is completely outrageous. (It sounds like Fatal Attraction).

 

They both took an opportunity for a relationship (which wasnt theirs to take) when he ended it, that should have been it..The End.

[newbby]

OPSSSSSSSSSSSss

sorry newby that was meant for WWIU!

 

LOL

[RedRose73]

WHy u getting confused? I'm sorry.

 

My ex MM was having sex with me, in his & his wife's own bed in their house , while she called from down the shore.

 

There he was having sex with me & talking to his wife at the same time. When he hung up, he just laughed about it!!

 

This isn't love! What man could do that??

[newbby]

I am an OW....I read your letter. I think your letter would more feed the ego of the OW than upset her.

really? i disagree. if i had recieved that letter, it would have just confirmed that my mm was a lying sob, but that would be applying it to my own situation, of course.

[newbby]

WHy u getting confused? I'm sorry.

 

, because you were supposed to be addressing it to wwiu! oh i probably posted that, just as you posted the post where you realised that.

[CeeJayXXX]

I think someone who is vicious enough to park out side your house and call constantly would thrive on the hurt the w is displaying. But just telling her how wrong she was in all of it is the part that would get the OW to see the light that her MM wasn't what she thought.

 

(But you are right, it is dependent of the situation....)

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I had a brief fling (but not intercourse) with a MM. I appreciate the letter that silktricks wrote because it pertains very much to my situation. He was very kind to me and he was very touchy with me, that's how I fell for him. However, I did not call or email my MM after he requested NC. During the early stages of NC, it did cross my mind to slit my wrists infront of him.... I was really desperate then. But I would never try to kill his W - she has legitimate claim to him, I don't.

 

Well, I am in a better place now. I would not ask my MM to leave his W for me. It would be selfish and he probably - no, most definitely - won't. I don't know how much he loves his wife, but more than enough to stay married to her and sleep with her.

 

Silktrick's letter pointed me to that fact. I will never have him, so why would I want to destroy his family?

 

I don't want to be an OW. When I am on better feet, I will leave my H. I don't know how some couples can stay in a loveless marriage. But I can't. It is so emotionally and intellectually draining. I am not a cold person, but because I can no longer entrust my H with love, I have turned into an emotionless person. When he does something nice, I don't reward him with a smile.... When he doesn't come home until past midnight, I don't even feel upset. Really, what is wrong with me?? Is it normal to not feel anything? I am otherwise a friendly and social person, especially at work. I make my coworkers laugh, I do favors for other people, but I don't want to do anything for my H. Does anyone out there know what I am talking about?

 

Sorry Silk, I didn't mean to hijack your thread.... Just a lot on my mind lately.

[My_Other_I]

I posted this on your other thread about the same thing.

 

The biggest punishment for me would be if I had never heard from either of them again. I kept recieving letters from her and phonecalls from him. It just reassured me that he is not commited to the marriage and she is trying to convince herself that it was all my fault and that they are doing great (that what she would say in her letters).

Even though I am responsible for her pain and understand what I have caused, after the third letter I just had to smile and throw the following letters away - without even opening those. The whole thing was yet another proof about him telling her one thing and telling me another.

She still harrasses me, but whatever makes her feel better is fine with me. I just think that she needs to focus on her H and their M, not me. Seeking info about the OW will NOT heal the wounds.

 

So...the only thing the letters had accomplished was the fact that I went from being regretful, sorry, ashamed and sympathetic to being annoyed and thinking that we'd turned her into some psycho. I have lost my sympathy for her (bad, I know) and have been considering calling the cops on her if she takes her threats any further. I have been saving all my evidence.

Be careful of what you let out there!

Just like No Stress Lady said, only HE knows the truth. I kow my ex told his W all kinds of lies about me and the whole event and she gladly accepted those, because it makes her feel better.

Result of our A? Two women scorned thinking of the other one as being psychotic, and a cakeman who is laughing about the whole situation. With no respect for anyone, himself including.

[Chump64]

Some MM do love their wives, some wives love their husbands even during an affair. And some don't. Everybody is different and it's unfair to lump ALL into one category. Like not all OW are mean and manipulative.

 

Thank you for saying this, WWIU. My husband cheated on me for a long time, yet we both think that we had a lot of good times and a lot going for us, even during that time. We even had a child together during that time. He maintains that he loved me and was committed to me during that time and that neither he nor the OW ever planned to leave their marriages. However, naturally I struggle with believing anything he says right now.

 

We both still have a lot of soul searching to do (mostly him) and I am not 100 percent sure we will make it. But everyone should be aware that affairs do not only happen in BAD marriages. A good marriage is not necessarily an affair-proof marriage. That’s being naïve.

 

Silk, if she tried to run you over and repeatedly harassed you by phone, why didn’t you try for a restraining order?

[lindya]

allow themselves to fall????strange usage of the language here, makes mm seem like the vulnerable helpless one, whilst ow stands with her net waiting, having bewitched him with cunning words.

 

I agree. I get a sense here the H and W to colluding with eachother in a denial of reality. Whilst lip service has been paid to the notion that the H bears some responsibility for this affair, in practice the blame - and the W's anger - is all being shunted onto the OW. Not very different, really from the parents who ground their wayward child for bad behaviour, whilst simultaneously giving him the message that really they believe it wasn't his fault. That another child led him astray/a teacher at school acted unfairly/he was the victim of some kind of circumstance beyond his control.

 

Without knowing the OW in this case, it's impossible to tell how she'd perceive the letter. I read that letter as an uninvolved bystander and felt it lacked that sense of authenticity you see in writings where the author has stripped away his/her own ego defence mechanisms away and examined a painful personal event face on. To be blunt, I don't find it convincing. It speaks of a deeply hurt woman cuddling her marriage and her wayward spouse underneath a comfort blanket of denial. On the basis that the OW might also see it that way, I wouldn't be sending out a letter like that....particularly if she has indulged in the criminal harassment outlined in the letter. In that situation, you should just hope to God she stays away, and not incite her into any further action.

 

Edit. Reading further I see that you were just purging, and have no intention of sending it. Thank God for that! I think purging is natural and healthy...but at some point you're maybe going to have to really face up to the part your husband played in all of this.

[elmejor]

Quote: "You thought you loved my husband and because of that it didn't matter that he was married. I'm sure you convinced yourself that he loved you, just as I'm sure that he allowed you to believe that he loved you. From you he was getting something he wanted, someone to tell him how great he was when he was feeling terrible. He wanted to keep hearing that he was great. He used you."

Silk, it always amazes me how cocksure W can be that "their" husbands couldn't possibly love the OW? Why are you so convinced? Many W here show unbelievable arrogance about their "hold" on the H. EVEN AFTER THE THE H HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH A FULL-BLOWN AFFAIR. No hold there, wives. You have no control, and possibly never did have control over your H. These men are involved with women who are not you. Be mad at them! Being mad at the OW cannot possibly "help" your marriage, imo. Why you still want this "marriage" however, is beyond me! As for the OW, I can tell you that for all your rambling about what your H and the OW "thought" or "think" or "will think" in the future, etc. etc. None of what they had between each other had anything to do with you, I would venture to say. It was all about them, the H and the OW, not about you. I'm sure many OW couldn't possibly care less about the W. Is she fat? Is she a B@tch? Do they have sex? The OW may very well say, "Why should I care? He loves me, not his W. Selfish? Absolutely! Right or wrong, the OW may think you are the selfish one for wanting to hold onto the man who loves her, the OW! I'm speaking to W in general, not you in particular, Silk. Again, wives, why do you still want him?

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Elmejor said: Right or wrong, the OW may think you are the selfish one for wanting to hold onto the man who loves her, the OW! I'm speaking to W in general, not you in particular, Silk. Again, wives, why do you still want him?

 

This question has been asked so many times on this forum. Let me answer it this time. I am a wife and in love with a MM. Why is it so hard for the OW to believe that the W would want to work on the marriage even after the exposure of an affair? Just because the H has fallen in love with another woman doesn't necessarily mean that the W can all of a sudden fall out of love with her H. She'd be hurt, yes. But I firmly believe that once she's given her love to him, it is not easy to take it back. Just because the H strayed doesn't mean that their marriage sucked. So why is it so hard for you to understand that the W would almost always take their H back???

 

Come on! You can't possibly believe that their marriage was totally void of emotions! (OK, those who have followed my story would probably point out that I have lost feelings for my H. Yes, in my case, I wouldn't care if I found out my H has an affair.)

[elmejor]

Why is it so hard for me to understand why the W would almost always take the H back? Because the H will almost always stray again, that's why. So, the W will blame the next OW, then the next, then the next, I suppose. etc. What a life. Well, at least she has love. Are you a fence-sitter, KHLF?

EM

[My_Other_I]

Why is it so hard for me to understand why the W would almost always take the H back? Because the H will almost always stray again, that's why.

EM

Have you been married for a longer period of time, or had a long-term relationship? 5 years min.? If you love, you don't just give up. You are willing to forgive. Just like you forgive your MM that he sleeps with his wife, that he lies, that he has separate lives. Even if it's just subconcious. He, too, cheats on you, you know? Your advantage is that you know about it and make the concious choice of staying in it. After the D-day, the W makes the same choice.

[elmejor]

Have you considered the angle that the OW may rationalize it by telling herself it isn't cheating (the H still "being" with the W) because everything the H does is to preserve the A? For example, he will go home to the W (and continue being intimate with her) because he has to in order to keep the A going? Again, the OW totally disregarding the W, and failing to place any importance on her whatsoever, since the A is only about the OW and the H?

 

P.S What's an OW's favorite river? Denial!

[My_Other_I]

Have you considered the angle that the OW may rationalize it by telling herself it isn't cheating (the H still "being" with the W) because everything the H does is to preserve the A? For example, he will go home to the W (and continue being intimate with her) because he has to in order to keep the A going? Again, the OW totally disregarding the W, and failing to place any importance on her whatsoever, since the A is only about the OW and the H?

And how is that different? I doubt he has a horrible and misserable time sleeping with his W. I think that's what he tells you and you tell yourself to be able to bear with the situation. Been there, done that. All lies.

If he was that misserable, wouldn't he have left her already? Oh wait, I forgot. History, kids, family, doesn't want to hurt her. But I'm sure he is telling you the truth.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you remind me of myself few months ago. I believe what I wanted to believe, I saw what I wanted to see. Everything but the truth. I hope you are right about your case.

[My_Other_I]

 

P.S What's an OW's favorite river? Denial!

Unfortunatelly I think that's exactly where you are at right now

[OzGirl]

What I want to know is - fine, a W stays with her husband.... when he does it the second time ... is it any different? Does she stay knowing he's a repeat offender? If so - isn't that a green light for him to think it's okay to do it? And, if it's not okay, and the wife leaves - is it because once is okay, but twice is not? What can possibly be different second time around? Academically, they are identical situations, but two different sets of principles are applied purely based on the order of succession.

 

Having been an OW, the pain of losing the MM was so unbearable, I too, MANY times, almost succeeded in deceiving myself that this was only temporary - that he will miss me and come back to me.... I have no other belief, based on any post I've read, that W have two pains to chose from - letting go of everything they thought was real in the wake of realising it wasn't and they weren't even given the choice until after the event (of their husband's attention straying), OR, staying with him and holding onto feelings of hope, and ideas the future holds something better.

 

The difference, and fortune I believe, in being the OW, is that we suffer without choice to hold onto to hope or faith that the future will get better... but when the suffering's over, which realistically, is when the grieving process has been dealt with, what's left is realistic.

 

The future IS hopeful, we CAN survive without that particular man, and we don't have to sell a house and tell the kids mummy and daddy don't love each other any more to do so.

 

I don't wish anything for any wife other than to see an affair as catalyst to ask for better. A man who's shown you mediocre amongst good is only going to act like everything's better until everything's the same as how it was when the affair started.

 

My MM has continued to contact me, even up to a few weeks ago, and I last saw him 6 months ago. It's over. I'm not changing my email address or phone number to avoid him - why should I? I figure I could ring his W and ask HER to ask her husband to stop contacting me... but he'll tell her he didn't, I'm clearly a psycho who's still upset he's not with me, trying to destroy their marriage, as MUST have been my intention all along.. blah blah blah.

 

If you are a W of a MM - tell me: Would you want someone to tell you if he was still cheating on you, emotionally or physically, after you found out the first time? And, if so, how would you want to find out - obviously not the OW ringing you. Evidence? Printouts of emails sent to you? Recordings of phone conversations? Or, nothing at all?

[My_Other_I]

Good question.

 

I too, was thinking about calling her, but I don't feel like it's my business. Plus, he's told her something along the lines of me being a psychotic, alcoholic, drug using, ugly and fat and stupid freak. She won't believe anything I say.

 

Also, other women, I hope you realize that if he did leave his W, it would be (in most cases) because SHE HAS HAD IT and SHE KICKED HIM OUT, not because he wanted to leave.

Like OzGirl said, a man by default, no thanks.

[Chump64]

What I want to know is - fine, a W stays with her husband.... when he does it the second time ... is it any different? Does she stay knowing he's a repeat offender? If so - isn't that a green light for him to think it's okay to do it? And, if it's not okay, and the wife leaves - is it because once is okay, but twice is not? What can possibly be different second time around? Academically, they are identical situations, but two different sets of principles are applied purely based on the order of succession.

 

 

I am trying to reconcile with my wayward husband (10 year affair). If it works, it's a one-time deal. It will be a small miracle if we can reconcile this first time around, but I have hope. But like I said, it's a one-time offer. I won't do it again. I don't possibly think I could - it would take too much out of me. If it happens again, I have friends who will be here the minute I call, helping me throw his crap out on the yard and change the locks.

 

Once is not "OK." It is never "OK." But depending on each individual situation, a second chance may be worth it. Was the marriage good to begin with? Is there something salvageable, and are both parties interested? Affairs do not only happen in "bad" marriages, though I think most OW and OM strongly believe that. Does the cheater show remorse? Does the married couple love each other? Are there kids involved? How complicated is the split of custody? How about assets?

 

I truly love my husband. I do. And we have had some great years. Were there no kids involved, however, I would ask him for a temporary separation. He would have to prove to me that he is worthy. He is trying to do that now, but it's all taking place outside the scope of kid / family time, and that's a little difficult. I would like to see him suffer a little more and work a little harder. I would like to see him separated from his family, to truly have to THINK about all he has lost (if only temporarily), and what he could be pissing away, forever, by having an affair. But that's just vindictive and I'm not sure it's productive.

 

I simply don't understand why anyone puts up with repeated infidelity. But then some people don't understand why I am giving him a second chance.

[elmejor]

Unfortunatelly I think that's exactly where you are at right now

Why don't you, Other, figure out exactly where YOU are? Sorry to cause disappointment, but I'm not an OW. Trust me, people M-- & F (!) fall in love with me all the time--I'm that type, I guess! If I persued everyone who made a pass at me, I'd never get any damned sleep! In other words, I can pick and choose, don't need to be anyone's "other" anything. My questions stem from reading the diatribes of irrational, crazy wives here! This crap about the children's lives being ruined, the blathering about the OW, "you thought he loved you, he did not, you thought you had him, you did not..." all such nonsense.

1) If children think divorce means that their family is disintegrating, and that they can only be happy/have a good life, if Mommy and Daddy remain married, it is because that's what they are being taught at home. Obviously, statistics would show otherwise. STOP using children as pawns in grownup's disputes!

2) Your spouse can and will love other people, face it. I'm sorry, Chump but if your spouse was involved with the OW for ten years it's not looking real good for the M at this point.

[Chump64]

Apparently you fancy yourself as some big bad a**.

 

Do you think you are saying anything I haven't already thought of or heard? I'm a little bit more optimistic than you because I know the situation better. Too bad for you that you feel the need to generalize, inflame, and try to stir up sh*t.

 

If (a) you are as want-worthy and drop-dead attractive as you claim; and (b) if you claim to know that divorce is the best solution, universally, then you must be God.

 

My guess is that you are mostly an ignoramous with a superiority complex.