Letter to the OW

[elmejor]

Good question.

 

I too, was thinking about calling her, but I don't feel like it's my business. Plus, he's told her something along the lines of me being a psychotic, alcoholic, drug using, ugly and fat and stupid freak. She won't believe anything I say.

 

Also, other women, I hope you realize that if he did leave his W, it would be (in most cases) because SHE HAS HAD IT and SHE KICKED HIM OUT, not because he wanted to leave.

Like OzGirl said, a man by default, no thanks.

 

Yeah, right. And he's perfect for only you, I'll bet. Because you say so. Sure. Once the H cheats, the W is the one who can proclaim that he could not possibly be faithful to the OW, whom he prefers over his W. How interesting. Has it ever occured to you wives (in general, no one specifically) that a H is not faithful because he now regrets his M to you, but he can be faithful to the OW if they marry? Oh, let me guess--you've never, ever heard of that happening not ever in the history of humanity, right? ....yawn....

[Chump64]

Has it ever occured to you wives (in general, no one specifically) that a H is not faithful because he now regrets his M to you, but he can be faithful to the OW if they marry?

 

 

By golly gosh. I never, ever *THOUGHT* of that! (Scrathes chin.)

 

 

Elmejor, you are so smrat.

[My_Other_I]

Yeah, right. And he's perfect for only you, I'll bet. Because you say so. Sure. Once the H cheats, the W is the one who can proclaim that he could not possibly be faithful to the OW, whom he prefers over his W. How interesting. Has it ever occured to you wives (in general, no one specifically) that a H is not faithful because he now regrets his M to you, but he can be faithful to the OW if they marry? Oh, let me guess--you've never, ever heard of that happening not ever in the history of humanity, right? ....yawn....

?

Did I say somewhere that he is the love of my life and will marry me, because I'm special? I must have missed that....

And I'm not his W (thank God)

 

Why don't you, Other, figure out exactly where YOU are?

I know exactly where I am. Perhaps that's why I don't walk around throwing my fast judgements (based on nothing) around and being defensive.

If you haven't been in the BS's shoes, dont' judge.

If you haven't been in the OW's shoes, don't judge.

If you haven't been in the MM's shoes, don't judge.

In conclusion: don't judge.

[elmejor]

Apparently you fancy yourself as some big bad a**.

 

Do you think you are saying anything I haven't already thought of or heard? I'm a little bit more optimistic than you because I know the situation better. Too bad for you that you feel the need to generalize, inflame, and try to stir up sh*t.

 

If (a) you are as want-worthy and drop-dead attractive as you claim; and (b) if you claim to know that divorce is the best solution, universally, then you must be God.

 

My guess is that you are mostly an ignoramous with a superiority complex.

 

So, attacking me, rather than address the valid points I've made about involving children/using them as pawns, as well as my opinion that your anger toward the OW is not helping you, this makes you feel better? I cannot help how I look any more than you can change what has happened in your M. I am frustrated at being accused of being an OW, just because I have sympathy for their side. Wives cannot expect to post all kinds of crazy stuff here without hearing from people who disagree. And--by the way--the correct spelling would be I-G-N-O-R-A-M-U-S. So, that would make you one, not me! Ha! See, I am superior!

[elmejor]

?

Did I say somewhere that he is the love of my life and will marry me, because I'm special? I must have missed that....

And I'm not his W (thank God)

 

 

I know exactly where I am. Perhaps that's why I don't walk around throwing my fast judgements (based on nothing) around and being defensive.

If you haven't been in the BS's shoes, dont' judge.

If you haven't been in the OW's shoes, don't judge.

If you haven't been in the MM's shoes, don't judge.

In conclusion: don't judge.

 

OMG, this is too funny--you thought that I'm an OW (I'm not), and I thought you were a W (you're not). Sorry about that! But, it does show that you DO walk around throwing your fast judgements around, though doesn't it? You're no better than me!

[My_Other_I]

OMG, this is too funny--you thought that I'm an OW (I'm not), and I thought you were a W (you're not). Sorry about that! But, it does show that you DO walk around throwing your fast judgements around, though doesn't it? You're no better than me!

 

That shows that you don't even read through the threads.

 

I never said I was better than you. I'm not better than anyone. I just am my self. Btw I was the wife once.

I assumed you were the other woman based on you thinking and self-justification.

I don't walk around and throw fast judgements. I see things from my point of view and actually can sympathise with the wives. The wives can benefit from our experiences (OW), and we can benefit from theirs. It's called empathy and healing process.

 

I am done trying to convince the Godess that there might be other areas besides black and white.

We hijacked your thread, Silk, sorry about that.

[elmejor]

That shows that you don't even read through the threads...I don't walk around and throw fast judgements...am done trying to convince the Godess that there might be other areas besides black and white...

Yeah, I read through the threads, just not all of each poster's message, I'm afraid. My suggestion to you, try to offer something new and interesting in your posts, then maybe people would read them more. Again, you do go around throwing fast judgements, remember? Because you assumed that I am an OW, even though I have stated more than once that I am not. But if I were to become an OW, and I decided that I wanted the H as my H, I would have him for my H. He would divorce his W, and marry me, I would make sure of that. Marriage has never particularly enticed me, however. There's too many miserable, whining wives, and too many husbands who have lots and lots of great sex, just not with their wives! So, marriage serves very little purpose, really.

One thing I do agree with you about Other, is that I too am done trying to convince the Goddess (Chump) that there might be other areas besides black and white. What, you're not referring to her? Who, then?

[silktricks]

I just read the other replies in your thread, and all I can say is I hope that your husband appreciates you and what you did here by writing the OW. If he EVER cheats on you again, boot his ass to the curb and change the locks. He is LUCKY he's getting a second chance right now! You have a big forgiving heart - I hope he knows this too and doesn't take advantage of that fact.

 

I wrote the letter and posted it here. I would never send it.

 

Believe me, if he ever cheats again, I'm gone. He is lucky he's getting a second chance, and he knows it.

[silktricks]

Having just read some other posts by you in the ROMANTIC->MARRIAGE->INFIDELITY forums, the one I note was posted today was your "revenge fantasy" for the OW.

 

You say you've forgiven her - are these fantasies part of that feeling... REALLY????

 

Just like "love", "forgiveness" is a doing word, not just a saying word.

I also said they "were" --- past tense --- revenge fantasies.

[silktricks]

If silks husband loves her like she says, i'm sorry he would have never slept with another women.

 

If a man loves his wife so much, could he be having sex with the OW & on the phone with his wife at the same time, like mine did?

 

Actually, he never did sleep with her. It was an emotional affair, not a physical one.

[silktricks]

The biggest punishment for me would be if I had never heard from either of them again. I kept recieving letters from her and phonecalls from him. It just reassured me that he is not commited to the marriage and she is trying to convince herself that it was all my fault and that they are doing great (that what she would say in her letters).

That's one of the reasons why I would never actually send the letter. As I said previously - this was an online purge.

[silktricks]

[quote name=Chump64

Silk, if she tried to run you over and repeatedly harassed you by phone, why didn’t you try for a restraining order?[/quote]

 

ignoring her was much more pleasing emotionally

[silktricks]

But if I were to become an OW, and I decided that I wanted the H as my H, I would have him for my H. He would divorce his W, and marry me, I would make sure of that.

The man would probably have some say in that.... and I have a hunch he'd say no.

[silktricks]

...but at some point you're maybe going to have to really face up to the part your husband played in all of this.

 

Why does everyone assume that I'm not fully aware of the part my husband played... but since this was a letter to the OW, why would I add in it....

 

oh and my h treated me like dirt and he lied to me and turned my trust into ashes.

[silktricks]

Interesting replies to my letter. Some comments to the group:

 

To those of you who felt I should leave my h:

Why would you think that I should throw away a 27 year relationship over a single f**k-up on his part? And before you start in telling me that I don't know and that he's probably lied many times, you need to know:

 

he told me about the A. he didn't need to do so. I didn't "catch" him. No one "caught" him. He quit it all on his little own. and it was obvious that he quit, not her, because of all the harassment that happened after.

 

Also, I'm not totally without intuition. The entire time something was going on I knew things were wrong. I even asked him if he was seeing someone. I felt strongly that he was planning on leaving me - but then I was also thinking strongly of leaving him. Our marriage was not good, obviously, or the EA would not have occurred. But the point is, I also would have known if other times in our lives together he had been unfaithful. He has said he was not. I believe him, not only because of what he says but because of my own experience in our lives.

 

for those of you who felt the phone calls were OK because he had welcomed them, or because she was looking for closure or any of those things:

The phone calls were pure and simple harassment. They were calls that as soon as anyone answered (him or me) the caller would hang-up. This went on for over a year, until we finally gave-up and changed our phone number.

 

for those of you who felt that I was solely blaming the ow and not my h:

this was a purging letter addressed to her - not him. a purging letter addressed to her is not going to blame him.

a purging letter sent to him would be decidedly different. but I didn't need a purging letter to him, as I purged quite effectively and quite lengthily in person.

 

To the person who assumed I was addressing an young girl:

The "young girl" in question is almost 50. Old enough to know better IMHO.

 

To the women who automatically assume that my H was the original pursuer - he wasn't - I have that on very good 3rd person verification. By the way, IMO that doesn't really matter - he was the one who was married, not her. It was his responsibility to stop the situation. He didn't.

 

To the women who relate every experience to their own experience:

Sometimes there is no comparison to your own experience. Many of you OW have been treated desperately badly by MM. That does not necessarily mean that every MM who has an A is that kind of person. There are many reasons for people's actions and reactions. Some of those reasons are despicable and selfish. It is not fair of you to assume that I as the W is automatically a bitch, automatically a bad W, automatically stupid and uncaring of my M, my life, my H or automatically anything else. It is unfair to assume that I am stupid to decide to forgive my H. It is equally unfair to assume that because he had an EA that he is a cakeman, a liar (though obviously he did that for awhile), a user, a manipulator or a chaser.

 

Some of you are internalizing the issues of other people. It would be unfair of me to assume that every ow is a bad person. I don't believe they are. I have had good friends who have been ow, for a variety of reasons - some of those reasons are what I consider to be good reasons, some what I would consider to be bad reasons -- but that doesn't matter, because they are not my reasons and their lives are not my life.

 

Those of you who responded to my post without judgments - thank-you, I deeply appreciate it. Those of you who responded with judgement - thank-you as well, your experiences have helped me.

[elmejor]

My quote (I regret it now, frankly):

"...But if I were to become an OW, and I decided that I wanted the H as my H, I would have him for my H. He would divorce his W, and marry me, I would make sure of that...."

 

The man would probably have some say in that.... and I have a hunch he'd say no.

Thanks for commenting on this, Silk. My comment here sounded really bad, so I apologize for this unfortunate example of my sometimes rather callous-sounding statements. But what I was trying to illustrate was that if I found myself in that situation my hope would be that I would be damned sure that this man was worth all the drama, that there could be no doubt that we were meant for each other. When I read it now though, it makes as much sense as saying, "My H/BF etc. would never cheat on me." These types of attitudes attempt to make an exact science out of Love. Obviously, that's not the case, I don't think.