Lishy Posted February 19, 2006 Share Posted February 19, 2006 Well on valentines day my ex H called me asking for a favour - I refused as I do not ask him for anything. We have a 9 year old son together and have been very up and down since splitting 15 months ago. Recently we have been getting along fine and only talking when it concerned our son. When I refused to allow him to talk to my boss about a business ides (which was a seriously stupid idea) he went into a bit fit of rage. He hates not getting his own way and thinks everyone should just agree with him whatever he says. He told me that I am an idiot for working for someone else and that he will be rich one day when his ideas work - That is rich coming from a guy who pays nothing towards his son and sits and bums around all day whilst I go to work! He then tells me that he cannot wait for the day I am as broke as he is. I told him that it wont happen as I will never be broke and will always work. Anyway he proceeds to tell me I am an ugly fat spotty moose who no one would want, how he has fkd 4 girls since we split and that he chooses to remain single as he could be with someone if he wanted to. He tells me he hopes I get cancer and die! And this is a guy who is the father of my son! I look at my gorgeous son and feel so bad that he has a vile mouthed dad like that! He is great with our son and treats him fine so I am not worried for what he will do or say to him as he has never bad mouthed me to him. The problem I have is that I hate him so much and it scares me as I do not hate anyone! I had to meet him yesterday to hand over our son and I didnt even look at him. This makes things very difficult as we do need to have some sort of communication regarding our son. Has anyone been in this situation? Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted February 19, 2006 Share Posted February 19, 2006 I don't speak with my ex W at all. So I have no idea what this feels like. His words are just the blowings of someone who is unhappy with himself. You have my thoughts Lishy, this must be hard. Sorry I can give you no advice, just a smile, Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lishy Posted February 19, 2006 Author Share Posted February 19, 2006 I guess no one knows what to advise! Link to post Share on other sites
My_Other_I Posted February 19, 2006 Share Posted February 19, 2006 Hm, not sure if this will help any. My dad used to be like that towards my mom. Even though he was the reason why they divorced (and they lived together for another 7 years after that! ugh!), he treated her like sh*t. My mom was trying to be civil towards him and would never say anything bad about him infront of us (doh, we saw it all!). We - as kids - decided where and when we wanted to see our dad. Have you considered a mediator. A friend who would pick up/drop off your son? Who would communicate between the two of you about your son? IMO he misses you and is angry with himself as he knows he is a f***up. I never understood how loves turns ugly so fast Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted February 19, 2006 Share Posted February 19, 2006 Sorry, Lishy. Sounds like he's still holding onto a LOT of anger and it makes him feel better to unleash it on you. The best you can do right now is to keep your distance and hang up on him if he gets nasty. I'm betting he called on V-Day because he was missing you adn the comments about the other women was only to hurt you the way he's hurting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lishy Posted February 19, 2006 Author Share Posted February 19, 2006 My Other I you have made me feel so much less alone! I do not know anyone who has had this vile abuse shouted at them for no reason what so ever - He was on the phone to me 2 weeks previous to that telling me how much he loves me and knows it was his fault we split and how he does not blame me - Then this!!!! I am so sick of him using me as a sounding board to fire his ****e at! I pick my son up frpm him and drop him off and I am not scared of him anymore - I do know that he went as mad as he did because he knows deep down that he is a fk up and that he is the reason we split up! I tried being nice and now I need to just think about me and not talk to him as this always leads to him feeling like he can throw his crap at me! MOI what finally happened with your mum and dad? How did she deal with it? Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted February 19, 2006 Share Posted February 19, 2006 My Other I you have made me feel so much less alone! I do not know anyone who has had this vile abuse shouted at them for no reason what so ever - He was on the phone to me 2 weeks previous to that telling me how much he loves me and knows it was his fault we split and how he does not blame me - Then this!!!! That's because the first time he was using the nice approach, and when that didn't work he resorted to anger and abuse. His emotions are all over the place right now. Ignore him the best you can and in time it will fade. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lishy Posted February 19, 2006 Author Share Posted February 19, 2006 That's because the first time he was using the nice approach, and when that didn't work he resorted to anger and abuse. His emotions are all over the place right now. Ignore him the best you can and in time it will fade. Lone thank you for your reply honey I do appreciate it! We have been sepreated for 15 months now and he has not moved on one day! What would it be like if I met someone? His words do not hurt me as he cannot hurt me any more then he already has! If a stranger in the street said those words to me I would be more upset! Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted February 19, 2006 Share Posted February 19, 2006 Lone thank you for your reply honey I do appreciate it! We have been sepreated for 15 months now and he has not moved on one day! What would it be like if I met someone? His words do not hurt me as he cannot hurt me any more then he already has! If a stranger in the street said those words to me I would be more upset! One of my ex's took several years to move on. He still was wretched to me after he married again, but it has subsided... 6 years later. You have to NOT let it get to you, ignore him as much as possible. Every bit of attention you give him, even listening to what he has to say, feeds him to continue Link to post Share on other sites
princess75 Posted February 19, 2006 Share Posted February 19, 2006 I have bad news for you...you need to be very careful of your ex. If he has had patterns of being nice and then mad, this is JUST the beginninig. Once abuse starts, abusiveness escalates..please even if you are not scared of him keep an arm distance always, because before you know it you are wasting energy on his behavior. The fact that you guys are not together but you are posting here shows he is disrupting your life. You need to contact him because of your son that is fine and let him enjoy it, but always be careful of his interactions with you. Let me explain to you: This man you think you know is not anymore the man you know....live in the present and see him as he TRULY is, and he has abused you emotionally already! There is NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE. I am talking from experience. My ex bf started doing that, and I was around him for 2 1/2 more because of it, I used to think he is not like that and he made a mistake and he is the guy I used to love, suddenly I WOKE UP, let me tell you clearly IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO YOU ARE, you can fall in the trap very easiliy....even when you know you are falling into it, you just dont think it is that bad. BUT IT IS! PLEASE LISTEN TO ME CAREFULLY, watch out not to fall into the trap of nice guy - bad guy - nice guy...your self esteem will be damaged! TAKE CARE , love yourself, and sorry if I sound toooo harsh Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lishy Posted February 19, 2006 Author Share Posted February 19, 2006 Princess you do not sound harsh at all - I can tell that you really meant that and that is so lovely! Honey he has been abusive for years!!! We follow this pattern all the time - Nice then quiet then nasty! But he has never told me he hopes I get cancer before! He must be feeling pretty bad about himself! I am going to not talk to him. He will want to talk to me in a few days when he realises what he has done. I normally talk to him and then we go back to being civil to each other. But not this time. I need to keep it like this so I know where I stand. I cant keep going in circles like this! Link to post Share on other sites
My_Other_I Posted February 19, 2006 Share Posted February 19, 2006 Lishy, you could probably get a mediator appointed to you by the court. He might be a wonderful dad now, but what if one day he decides to pi*s you off and take the kids to another state? You might consider supervised visitations, too. Tell the court what's been going on between the two of you and your concerns. You might be able to get at least some protection. Link to post Share on other sites
princess75 Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Ok, let me explain to you something....it is going to get worse. I know you dont like us probably to tell you that the "loving perosn besdie you" is changed. Maybe they were loving at that time, but they entered the realm which with you they will NEVER EVER be loving agian...and guess what? IT IS NOT YOU! IT IS THEM! YOU ARE WORTH BEING LOVED and NO ONE SHOULD TREAT YOU BADLY. Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Lish I know all to well how you feel. My XW is the same way. Civilized one day, then when she doesn't get her way about something she goes off. I hang up on her when she starts pulling that crap. And then I don't answer when she calls back. Make her leave a voicemail. If it doesn't pertain to our daughter I don't talk to her. I know it sucks knowing you have to spend the next however many years dealing with these unbalanced individuals. Sorry I can't give you any other advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lishy Posted February 20, 2006 Author Share Posted February 20, 2006 Devil ..... I am so sorry that you are going through this as well but knowing that you do and that you cope with it makes me feel less alone! What does she say to you? Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Hey Lishy... I really feel for you too. My SO's exgf and mob (mother of baby) also hasn't moved on one single step forward in over a year since they split. We still go from her begging him to go back, pleading, threating herself, then quietness, then threats to me, then abuse to him, threats to him and then back to begging for him back and going on about how much it hurts her. Of course I understand that she's hurt. But it's up to her how quickly she moves on from this, and she doesn't even try. She taunts herself watching old videos and then texting him saying how happy they were. Trouble is, they weren't. She's just not seeing any of that anymore. Just this weekend, I again noticed that she taught her son to do a certain 'gesture' (he's only 18 mnths) when he hears my name. Mature huh? Nice way to use your child huh? I can't give any advice, just that you aren't alone!! It seems some people just don't know how to start moving on and letting go of the past. For the ones it effects... we just have to wait, and hope, that it will get better. (BTW - I wasn't the OW. I came on the scene after they broke up!) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lishy Posted February 20, 2006 Author Share Posted February 20, 2006 I do not want to even think about how he will be when I do meet someone! What bloke would stick around with an ex like I have? Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 I do not want to even think about how he will be when I do meet someone! What bloke would stick around with an ex like I have? A guy who loves you, see's how wonderful you are, and can understand that we all make mistakes in love. It's not always easy, but we talk and I feel secure and loved in our relationship. It's not his fault she's not taking this well. I love him, and no-one - especially her - is going to drive me away from the man I love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lishy Posted February 20, 2006 Author Share Posted February 20, 2006 Well lets hope that I meet a guy who is as understanding as you are LK! Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 I feel for you. I deal with this crap every time I run into my ex-wife even though is the one that ruined it. I have no kids or anything with her so I would be happy if I never saw her again in my life but I can't imagine having a child with somebody like that. It's like dealing with a grown child. Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Well lets hope that I meet a guy who is as understanding as you are LK! I'm sure you will...!! You sound great, and you deserve happiness!! Keep your chin up Lishy! Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 What does my XW say to me? Just about anything and everything. She was the one who cheated, she threw me out of our home so she wouldn't have to explain why she was having this guy over to my house while I was at work. And she gets mad at me, tries to blame everything on me. And the first time a woman answered my cell phone after the divorce was finalized, she blew a gasket! The latest is that she tihnks it is totally unfair that I get to claim my daughter every other year for tax purposes. Because according to her I only pay 20% of my gross income for child support. She also forgets that I pay what is supposed to be half of the day care costs, which I am almost positive is actually all of the day care costs, as well as maintain the medical insurance for my daughter. When all is said and done, she sees about 40% of my gross income. After taxes she probably gets more of my paycheck than I do. When she gets to claim our daughter for taxes, she gets to claim everything, day care expenses, everything. My years I only get the extra dependent, nothing else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lishy Posted February 20, 2006 Author Share Posted February 20, 2006 Ha that is funny seeing as my ex pays me ZILCH! He does not contribute to anything financial with our son and he screamed at me that my son eats more veg and fruit at his house than at mine! How the hell does he know what my son eats when he is with me? Its laughable really! I have seen him twice since that row and I just dont even look at him! I hate him so much! Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 That is just the tip of the iceberg Lishy. I get the questions of what I feed my daughter too. And somehow I am the only one actually bound by the child custody agreement. She thinks she can unilaterally change things and ignore what is written in it. Some examples: last summer my XW's nephew hit my daughter in the head with an aluminum bat. They took her to the emergency room. My XW didn't call me until a day or two later! She is supposed to call me immediately if something requiring an emergency room visit occurs, but she couldn't get to a phone to call me for almost two days. She could get to a phone to give progress reports to the doctor though. Anyone want to make a guess what would happen if I had to bring my daughter to the emergency room and didn't tell her until I brought her home? She also changed our daughter's doctor without my consent. We have joint custody, so decisions like that must be agreed on, or they go to the courts to decide. She just changed doctors without my approval. The custody agreement specifies I get my daughter on my birthday. She was about two minutes from having the Sherrif's dept. on her doorstep to enforce the custody agreement before she finally gave in to what the legally binding document spelled out very plainly. It is impossible to reason with an unreasonable person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lishy Posted February 20, 2006 Author Share Posted February 20, 2006 I can deal with his crap - I do not, however, like being told he wish I would get cancer and die! To me that is beyond nasty! I know what his problem is ..... He knows he does not support his son (he does not work and has no money) and he feels bad about it! I do not ask him for anything and I have never got on his case about it as I do not want his money! He can go take a long drive off a short pier as far as I am concerned! Link to post Share on other sites
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