Loss of Virginity = Pain????????

[Socky]

Ok, so here's the thing. I love my boyfriend very much, and have no doubts that he returns that sentiment. We've been together almost 9 months without sex and are both college virgins. We have had oral sex. He wants to have sex, and claims it's an emotional thing...as far as I know, he's being truthful. I want to as well, or believe I do...but I'm sooo afraid that I'm too small and it will hurt like a mofo. Even just 2 fingers in me can be somewhat hurting, and he's a bit thicker than that. I have a very low pain tolerance, and at times believe I could be content as an eternal intercourse virgin if I could avoid the pain. What should I do??? Are my boyfriend's intentions genuine or just a ploy? And is there a way to make it not hurt? PLEASE help me, this has been a source of fear and stress since I began to date guys!

[Daisy]

Why do you just naturally associate sex with pain? Sure it can be painful the first few times, but that shouldn't prevent you from ever wanting to have sex. No matter how low your pain tolerance is. Especially with someone you love. If you really love this guy, and really want to have sex with him (which I doubt you do because you're too concerned with the pain), then there are things you can do to make it less painful. Such as plenty of lubrication, like KY Liquid or Astroglide, if your body doesn't produce enough. You can purchase any of those at your local Wal-Mart. Going really slow the first time can make it more comfortable as well. Don't let him rush things. And if it hurts too much, even after trying these things, then stop.

 

One more thing. If you're truly ready to have sex, you won't dwell on the pain part. You will WANT to have sex, and I mean REALLY want to. Not just kinda. Not just ho-hum. And don't have sex just because your boyfriend tells you he's ready.

 

Rarely is the first time you have sex incredible. I know mine wasn't. Actually, it hurt like hell. I wish someone would have told me about lubrication for my first time, because it probably really would've helped reduce the pain. But I was ready and I knew I was ready. I was in love, I had no pressure, and I knew I wouldn't regret it. Oh, and I had already been on birth control for a month or two. That's another important thing you should do.

 

Keep in mind, no matter how much it hurts the first time, it can get better. MUCH better.

 

If you're completely scared out of your mind, why not visit your doctor? He/She will probably be able to comfort you more than anyone on this forum could. On occasion I've heard of women having extreme pain when anything is inserted into their vagina. This might be another good reason to go to your doctor, to find out if this could be a problem for you. More often than not though, it turns out that women have a hard time relaxing their vaginal muscles, and thus anything that is inserted into their vagina causes pain. Even so, I'm not a doctor. If you want an expert opinion, see your doctor.

 

Hope I could be of some help.

[Lola]

I hope that I am not the first one to say "congratulations"... I lost mine when I was 16. I am 24 now. I had been dating the guy for 2 years, and we stayed together for another 4 after. It was a little painful. In fact, I was no sooner over the pain, than it was over. The first time will probably not be all you have expected. There are a lot of emotions involved. Especially since you have kept it for this long. Let me ask you, is there a reason you didn't do it before? Were you planning on waiting until you were married? Did you have previous boyfriends that were long term and you wanted to before?

 

I know you have been dating this guy for 9 months, but do you know for sure that he has never had sex before? Some guys can be sneaky. I hope you got a good one.

 

The best thing to do, is talk to your mother. I know it might sound a little freaky, but I'm sure she understands that you are growing up and you need to discuss these things. Break the ice by talking about her when she was your age.

 

If she waited until she got married, I would maybe talk to an aunt or maybe a friend's mom.

 

In this day, most guys do not expect you to be a virgin on your wedding night. It is just not realistic.

 

Think long and hard about your decision. Is this someone that you could see yourself with for the rest of your life (if you do want to wait until you are married, maybe it will be him, but later). Do you share the same views on children, religion, the big things. There is a great book called "Hot Relationships" by Tracey Cox. I would recommend everyone read it. In it is says there are five crucial connecting points:

 

1. Chemistry: Instant attraction, you feel a little intoxicated when you are with him.

 

2. Compatibility: How much do you have in common? How similar are your backgrounds. (This is very important down the road)

 

3. Common Goals: While children, where you will live, things like that are important. Right now ask yourself this: Do you work well as a team (in life)? Do you place the same importance on planning "special" nights or weekends away? Do you both make an effort to make the other feel special? Do you both put effort into keeping the relationship fresh and exciting?

 

4. Pace: Are you moving through the same speed through life? Do your energy levels match? Is your attitude toward work similar? Do you think and talk at a similar pace? Do you seem to need and want similiar proportions of quiet time and excitement?

 

5. Timing: Are you in the same stage in your lives? Have you had other long-term relationships? Has he? If either of you have an ex that you haven't completely gotten over or the trauma from ending it, maybe the timing is not great. Are you both ready to "settle down"? The timing may not be perfect if there is a lot you want and need to do on your own before sharing your life with someone else. Being the same age doesn't guarantee you will have the same timing.

 

The best quote I have ever read is: "Stay at the point of indecision as long as you can, because the longer you think about it the better decision you will make."

[Tony T]

The 1 through 5 points in your above post and excellent and I hope everybody reads them.

 

I know when I lost my virginity it was difficult as hell. It took me five whole years and a lot of pain to find a girl willing to help me. (lol)