cal gal Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 I've been getting out occasionally. Twice a week maybe. Have a friend over maybe twice a week. I have several obligations that prevent me from leaving the computer much. And since I don't drink anymore - I just don't want to go to a bar. I also doubt I am that much younger than you! Fooled I know what you mean about not wanting to go to the bars, as I won't do that either. I am proud of your strength and the progress you have made in the past few weeks. I know it has not always been easy, but sometimes when you are the one in the situation you don't see the growth. YOU are on the mend! Proud of you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author fooled Posted February 21, 2006 Author Share Posted February 21, 2006 Thanks, Cal Gal! I certainly don't feel the stabbing pain anymore - and I no longer wonder what she's doing when - or with whom. But, as I mentioned earlier to CG - I am FAR from over her. Link to post Share on other sites
pandnh4 Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 happy birthday, caliguy... thanx for being so positive and supportive to all of us... fooled - it's really inspiring to see how you handled this situation... i've been following your story, on the sidelines, and realize you've been hurting bad... but it's so admirable to see the strength you've gained and gives me hope for a the future... i hope you do get over you ex soon, sounds like you're on the right path... my therapist told me once it *usually* takes anywhere between 3 to 6 months before one starts to feel separation... looks like you're on track, maybe even ahead of that schedule... =) Link to post Share on other sites
Author fooled Posted February 21, 2006 Author Share Posted February 21, 2006 Thanks, Pand - glad you're inspired! I don't think I'm ahead of that schedule, though. I am going to see her a lot with other guys this summer. That's going to be hard, but I know it's going to be - and hopefully I will be prepared. I do wonder though, if I am really healing or just suppressing things because of the NC. I've been able to hang out with friends and examine myself a lot - but no new hobbies. My plate was pretty full pre-breakup - and she was involved in all of them. So it's like I was robbed of my life. I have to avoid doing the things that made me happy before i met her (and during). It feels awkward and forced to just choose something and throw myself into it. I have to develop new interests now. And that's just not something that's easy to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Mariella43 Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 WOW - Witabix and Fooled - you guys have given me renewed hope that there are still real gentlemen in this world!!! Reading your posts it's refreshing to hear that not all men are dogs who jump into bed with the next woman that comes along. Way to go guys.......you give me hope in finding a decent guy. I'm going thru the same thing - I went 8 suffering months of NC then he calls and comes over. I avoided that direct hit with a bazooka by hiding and turning out my lights. It's hard when you still care about someone but you have to move on. I know your pain all too well. Stay strong folks! Link to post Share on other sites
pandnh4 Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 i'm pretty sure you're on the right schedule... if i understand correctly it's been 6 weeks since your breakup and the beginning of nc... she called you just last week and you resisted speaking with her, and maybe a couple of weeks ago you saw her but avoided her and calling her... that's real willpower there... i wish i had that strength; although i deleted her numbers from my phone and email addresses, and removed her from my friend lists in online communities, i obviously still remember her phone numbers and check up on her online on a daily basis... i hope i can overcome this obsession; it stems from my own insecurities because i am broken right now and i am so hurt that she can move on easier/faster than me... back to your situation though... it's only february; summer is still 4 months away and by then it will be almost 6 months for you since the breakup... took me about 4-5 months after my last breakup to get over that girl, though perhaps it was because i was *hanging out* and sleeping with this other girl (when that didn't work out, i started feeling anxious and lonely again but fortunately my next gf, i.e. my current ex, came along not too long after that)... i've tried doing some new things... went to museum last sunday, been listening to other genres of music more often like classical... it's hard to steer clear of things we used to do together: go out for drinks/cocktails, dine out, watch movies, go dancing and out to parties, listen to music (electronica)... my family keeps telling me that i will develop new interests as i mature, which i guess is true... during my breakup about a year ago i started losing interest in clubs and parties and from that point started limiting my excursions... anyway, keep posting because it makes me feel better seeing you do better... =) Link to post Share on other sites
Author fooled Posted February 22, 2006 Author Share Posted February 22, 2006 Pand - to be honest, I did actually break NC about 3 weeks ago, after I saw her. We had a conversation and she was still lying about stuff I knew the truth about. In a way - her drunken phone call the other night has helped me more than anything to reinforce the fact that this girl is so selfish - she will say anything to get what she wants - and that revolts me. That will prevent me from ever wanting to speak to her again. We will see how much it affects me to see her a lot this summer. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 Fooled, you are healing a lot better than I, that's for sure. I guess the real test of your resolve will be when you run into her in the months to come -- but I'm sure you'll do just fine. CaliGuy, Happy Birthday!!! Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 Yes fooled, I know, the fear of seeing her again. I walked home tonight along the seafront. Where she lives. I wondered as I walked towards the sea, why am I doing this. I love to walk home along by the sea. The place that holds so much memories, my childhood. Even though it has changed so much. Its still that little boys seafront, with the trawlers, the sights, the smells, it is my place. I refuse to let her take that away from me. Her car was parked there. I looked, why was I looking for that damned car? I did not need to look for her car. Yet, even though I know that, I looked. I sat and pondered on what was going through my mind. I rehearsed words to say to her..... what in god's name was I thinking? Then I rationlised it all again. There is a thread I replied to about an untruthful wife. It re-focussed me, at the time. This is hard, and suddenly incomprehensible to me that I would feel so upset/annoyed with everything. Even though I can repeat my mantras. Its so hard being human sometimes. I actually know that there is no need for me to feel this way, I really know that. I do. Don't mean to rain on your thread fooled, sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fooled Posted February 23, 2006 Author Share Posted February 23, 2006 No prob, Wit. It was nice to read about your peaceful stroll. I feel a little....I guess melancholy today. I don't miss any specific thing about her right now - only that she was eccentric. I'm a little lonely. I don't miss her in the bed anymore - but I do dream about her every night. Sometimes sexual dreams - other times, we are in a situation that is extremely stressful and hopeless. I'm sleeping worse now than in the first 2 weeks after the breakup. I feel a little stressed because I'm filling my time with seeing friends instead of working, which I should be doing. A friend's movie is premiering next week - and I'm looking forward to going because it'll be a good group of folks and I'll meet a ton of new people - but it's at a venue that the ex and I frequented a lot! So the feelings and memories are just gonna rush back into me, I know. She might even be there, but I have asked my friend to not send a press release to the places that would send her. Did that make sense? I don't feel that I am really bettering myself. Certainly I've had a lot of self examination and realizations. But I feel like less of a person than I did before I met her. I suppose that is because I am no longer involved in the activities I was when I was previously single. It's hard to rebuild a life when I have the same work demands and an increased need for comfort/support. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 Don't mean to rain on your thread fooled, sorry. Hahhaahah Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 But I feel like less of a person than I did before I met her. That's because the beeyotch sucked the life out of you. You'll get it back. Just stay focused on the things that you are passionate about, and return to the other things you were passionate about before your focus shifted to her and the relationship. At least that's what I'm trying to do. It works about 50% of the time....but I guess time will make it more of a reality. Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 Rumor has it that my ex and your ex ran off together in a dream somewhere so I figured I should chime in. That's because the beeyotch sucked the life out of you. It's true. I felt the same way, I still feel the same way. For me it was a life altering experience. I haven't yet found the person I once was and I probably never will. I'm a changed person, in some ways for the better and in some ways for the worse. That doesn't mean that I can't find happiness again, I'm fighting like he!! to do so. One day you will too. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fooled Posted February 23, 2006 Author Share Posted February 23, 2006 Just stay focused on the things that you are passionate about, and return to the other things you were passionate about before your focus shifted to her and the relationship. That was my point - that I feel no passion for those things anymore because she became so involved in them and continues to be. It is difficult to explain without getting too identity specific. But it's like she got the friends, events, movies & hobbies in the divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 Then you need to take them back! These things were yours to begin with -- don't let her ruin them for you -- even if you run the risk of seeing her or hearing about her. Once the sharpness of the pain you went/are going through has dulled, it will be easier. Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 JJH is dead right. Its hard but necessary to keep your own things going. I'm going back to college today, facing an exam, no preparation. But I have to get back into it. I have to force myself. I can't let my feelings interrupt my life completely. You can't either fooled. You have to take back your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fooled Posted February 23, 2006 Author Share Posted February 23, 2006 I'm not sure that's even the life I want. I want something more. That's how I am moving on - by trying to create something bigger and better that she's not a part of. Link to post Share on other sites
skeptik224 Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 My ex and I have been broken up about 4 1/2 months...3 of the months we went back/forth. The story is long and posted under break-ups. Basically, she had come out of 2 consecutive long-term relationships and we moved quick. She said she got scared and wanted to date around and me at the same time. I told her I couldn't. 3 months ago, she preaches to my friend all her feelings and stuff. (that's posted somewhere too.) Anyway, about 2 months ago, I told her I wasn't ready to be just friends. I told her all of my feelings. (this was via e-mail) Then we ended up going back/forth all day. She came by that night. It's neeb 2 months. She's sent me a couple of e-mails here and there about nothing. The longest we've gone was 3 weeks without talking. Anyway, I'm fine with NC. I don't feel the need to call her every second or e-mail her every day. I WAS emotionally in a better place - so I thought. I was still thinking about her daily but not nearly as much. The bombshell is that I saw her while I was driving to work. (she lives 2 blocks from me) She looked great! I honked, and once she realized it was me, she waved. (I bought a new car so she didn't recognize me) Anyway, she kept walking so I rolled down the window and said "can't you take a second to talk?" She said she was late but would call me. Well, she called me. I didn't answer. I was an emotional wreck...I was pissed, sad, crying and everything in between. I called a friend to vent. I then calmed down and called her...1 1/2 hours had passed. I left her a short message. She called me back. We talked for about 10 minutes - just about family, friends (we have different friends) and work. I sounded very happy and we joked a little. I wanted to make sure that I ended the phone conversation first. So, when there was a lull in the conversation, I said I needed to go. It was a great, friendly conversation. The problem I have is now all these feelings came rushing back. We ended our relationship because there was no happy medium that we could agree upon. She had never been single in 17 years, and I was not able to date her while others at the same time. In the beginning I would have but not after living together and getting to the emotional level we were at. I wonder if she's thinking about me. I wonder when I'll talk to her next. I wonder so many things. It just sucks. How can 2 people who love each other just move on? I mean she's doing what she wants..dating, going out, all that stuff. I'm so confused....I know she'd do anything to be my friend. She said she'd wait forever. BUT...I don't want to be her friend. I blame myself for the ending of the relationship. For not being an adult and being ok with just dating. But, hell...I deserve the whole loaf of bread - not just crumbs. It just seems that she's done and over... Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 Thats a good plan. But make sure you don't disjoint your whole life because of her. It can be hard not to. I am suffering a little disjointedness now, not much, its only been a few days for me at this time. But got back a little more into the swing of things today. Been moping around for a few days, stewing myself a little. It was good to get out doing stuff and not churning it all over in my mind again. Though the quiet times do start it again, a bit. Get it going for yourself again fooled, good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
greenshift Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 skeptik - Yes, you *do* deserve the whole loaf of bread and, as long as you're still emotionally involved with her (even if it is at a distance), you're not going to be happy being just her friend, watching her date others. Sleeping with someone does *not* solve problems, doesn't help anyone "find themselves," and even if it's something they need to do "for them," it's lame, stupid and selfish, and dressing it up in emotionally provocative, eloquent prose doesn't change that. All, or nothing. You can't devalue yourself to the point where you're willing to accept whatever scraps she has left over. It REALLY, REALLY sucks, but you have to ask yourself if by "being her friend," are you really? Or are you trying to hang on to the memory of what was? If I had told my wife that it was me, or the highway, things would have gone differently. We probably still would have divorced, but at least i'd be able to respect myself in that I never gave her the OK to test the waters while keeping me on a leash. Hang in there, and don't talk to her. Call a good friend instead if you feel like talking to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fooled Posted February 24, 2006 Author Share Posted February 24, 2006 I just got an email from her - with the subject line "was wondering". Felt my chest tighten. I deleted it without reading it. Reminding myself that she will say anything to get what she wants. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 I just got an email from her - with the subject line "was wondering". Felt my chest tighten. I deleted it without reading it. Reminding myself that she will say anything to get what she wants. Oh wow. Something like that can cause a setback. And I'm so proud of you for deleting it. Did you make sure to delete it from your deleted folder and on your ISP website inbox if there's a copy there? I can honestly say that if my ex emailed me, I would probably open it -- but he did the dumping. Link to post Share on other sites
pandnh4 Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 wow, you've gotten really good at the nc thing!!! it could've said all sorts of things... was wondering... if you got my message the other night... what you've been up to... if you're seeing someone else... if you miss me... if you want to get together... if you still have feelings for me... whatever it is, it's more likely than anything an attempt to feel validation from you... although i still have my doubts about the whole nc premise, i do understand that it's more for one to heal than it is to win someone back... i still want my ex to break nc with me and want me back though... =( great job, fooled... keep it up... Link to post Share on other sites
Author fooled Posted February 24, 2006 Author Share Posted February 24, 2006 Ugh - I forgot to block her address before deleting it. Yes, Pand - it could have said anything. And it all would be meaningless. Her words are lies. Her actions spoke volumes. Now my silence will do the same. Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 I don't know if this is helping me any more. I am going to take a break from LS. In too much confusion. I am the dumper, for good reasons, but why do I feel so bad. Why are there so many issues in MY head. I didn't do anything wrong. I was honest and I displayed fidelity. Even my friends back me up, but I feel so bad, good, indifferent. This is not me. I want to take a break from all of his turmoil. Link to post Share on other sites
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