just cos i'm separated doesnt mean i have the plague

[dgiirl]

I started talking to this guy online and he just told me his friends wouldnt approve of him talking to me since i'm still "married". WTF is that? I've been separated from my exh for over a year now. My exh simply walked out and abandoned me. I havent even gone on a DATE with anyone since then. This guy hasnt asked me a single thing about the details of my marriage, who left whom and why, yet has the nerve to judge me. Who said I was even interested in this guy? I just exchanged like 3 emails with him. What a bunch of BS.

 

Yes, this is a rant and I dont care to hear any justifications for what he did.

[Devildog]

What is the status of you getting a divorce dgiirl? Does sound pretty lame on his part though.

[Citizen Erased]

I started talking to this guy online and he just told me his friends wouldnt approve of him talking to me since i'm still "married". WTF is that? I've been separated from my exh for over a year now. My exh simply walked out and abandoned me. I havent even gone on a DATE with anyone since then. This guy hasnt asked me a single thing about the details of my marriage, who left whom and why, yet has the nerve to judge me. Who said I was even interested in this guy? I just exchanged like 3 emails with him. What a bunch of BS.

 

Yes, this is a rant and I dont care to hear any justifications for what he did.

 

Im sorry to hear about your marriage, it was a rotten thing to do but you are better off now I bet!

 

This guy is obviously an idiot. I mean, he knows that you are separated right? Some people never divorce their ex, just live separate lives and it doesnt matter. Id just forget about his narrow mindeness and vow not to listen to such crap anymore!

[My_Other_I]

You hear it on LS all the time! Separated = still married!

I think it's actually nice and respectful of him. He doesn't want to be the OM.

 

OW on here listen to that all the time. When they say the MM was separated at that time, the most common reply is "still married".

 

I wouldn't worry about it too much, but get a divorce!

[My_Other_I]

 

Yes, this is a rant and I dont care to hear any justifications for what he did.

Ops, I missed this part. Sorry.

[dgiirl]

What is the status of you getting a divorce dgiirl? Does sound pretty lame on his part though.

 

My exh and I have lived separately since the day after he dropped the dbomb, Valentines day of last year. We've agreed to the division of assets and all the papers have been signed and given to our lawyer. Where I live, we need to be separated for a year before they can be filed with a judge. So now they should be filed and signed soon (maybe a month or two?). We have a house to sell (currently on the market), and then i am FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. No kids, nothing will tie me to him again. And as soon as I am free, i'm moving so far far far away from here.

 

My_Other_I, i understand what you are saying and that does make sense. Thanks!

 

I just had a very taxing week and that was the last straw.

[Devildog]

No kids, nothing will tie me to him again. And as soon as I am free, i'm moving so far far far away from here.

 

Well don't you just suck! I wish I could never speak to my XW. I still have atleast 14 years of dealing with a psycho!

[littlekitty]

You hear it on LS all the time! Separated = still married!

I think it's actually nice and respectful of him. He doesn't want to be the OM.

 

OW on here listen to that all the time. When they say the MM was separated at that time, the most common reply is "still married".

 

I wouldn't worry about it too much, but get a divorce!

 

I hope dgirl doesn't mind a little bit of thread jacking since she got that off her chest!!

 

I'm interested, at what point is a marriage broken down then? Are you really interfering in a marriage if you meet someone who is separated a year? Does that really constitute calling you the OW/OM?? Surely not, after a year of separation?

 

They might still be married, but they are clearly not together and not going to get back together. What is this thing that until the divorce is final they are still married? Yes, by law, but clearly not by heart anymore.

 

I understand a marriage is to be taken seriously, and of course, more so when children are involved. But - for example - in a childless marriage, why the label of still married when someone is separated and happy about it? No man seeing dgirl would really be the OM now would they?

 

I’ve never been married, never interfered in a marriage!! But this point of divorce/separation does interest me!

[dgiirl]

Well don't you just suck! I wish I could never speak to my XW. I still have atleast 14 years of dealing with a psycho!

 

HAHAHA yes, i did luck out on that one!

 

 

littlekitty, hijack away! I'd be interested in the answer to that myself. And just because a couple is legally divorced doesnt mean they're not involved either. A lot of places in the states will grant a divorce after only 3 months of separation. To me, i think that's really really short.

[Devildog]

They might still be married, but they are clearly not together and not going to get back together. What is this thing that until the divorce is final they are still married? Yes, by law, but clearly not by heart anymore.

 

In my case I didn't do anything until the divorce was finalized. I had moved on emotionally after all the things my XW did a few months before that. But even though my XW had cheated on me, had thrown me out of our home for questioning the affair, and had filed for divorce, I know that if I had so much as gone out for lunch with another woman prior to the divorce being finalized she would have used that against me. Made it out like I was the one who cheated.

 

It's funny actually. I started spending time with this new woman about a month after the divorce was finalized. And since it was so soon after the divorce my XW is convinced that she was in the picture well before that.

 

That's right, she cheated on me, threw me out of my home and my family, refused to even consider trying counselling or anything to work on our marriage, but she can tell herself that I must have been seeing someone on the side because it was only a month after everything was finalized when I started getting out again.

[Art_Critic]

dgiirl..

As harsh as it must feel to be rejected I can understand where he is coming from.

 

a few years ago I dated someone that about a month after we started dating told me she was seperated from her husband.

He lived in a different state and the divorced had been filed... They had been seprated for 2 years and she was just waiting for the divorce to go thru the courts..

 

At first I was pissed off..But she promised that there was nothing between them and I believed her..

 

Months later out of nowhere she breaks up with me and he comes back into her life..

 

afterall they were still married..

 

Until the judge lays down his gavel you are married and can reconcile at any point with something as easy as a phone call..

( or a least this is the way any guy will think )

 

Sorry.. but until the divorce is final you really are married and are not single..

I know in your mind your single and don't want him back.. but try and think if the shoe was on the other foot

[dgiirl]

Until the judge lays down his gavel you are married and can reconcile at any point with something as easy as a phone call..

 

And this cannot happen with any type of ex? I dont think the legalities of my divorce has any bearings on reconcilation. I think the distance from the time of breakup has a lot more to do with that. Would you rather date someone who's legally divorced but who only needed a month for a separation until it was final, or someone who's still legally married but been separated and living apart for a year? Of course I'm biased, but I think the person that is a year into it has a lot less baggage then the one month.

 

And for the record, I've been completely honest right from the start. I've mentioned my divorce within the first or second email exchange. I often wonder how long I'm going to have to keep telling ppl. Is this something that's going to loom over my head forever. That as soon as I meet someone I'm going to have to say I'm divorced. Or, in 5-10 years from now, will that information be meaningless?

[littlekitty]

In my case I didn't do anything until the divorce was finalized. I had moved on emotionally after all the things my XW did a few months before that. But even though my XW had cheated on me, had thrown me out of our home for questioning the affair, and had filed for divorce, I know that if I had so much as gone out for lunch with another woman prior to the divorce being finalized she would have used that against me. Made it out like I was the one who cheated.

 

It's funny actually. I started spending time with this new woman about a month after the divorce was finalized. And since it was so soon after the divorce my XW is convinced that she was in the picture well before that.

 

That's right, she cheated on me, threw me out of my home and my family, refused to even consider trying counselling or anything to work on our marriage, but she can tell herself that I must have been seeing someone on the side because it was only a month after everything was finalized when I started getting out again.

 

So there it was mainly a case of not doing so for the divorce case. Which totally makes sense. Do you think that extra year allowed you the time you needed to move on?

 

Startlingly similar again to how my so's exgf acts!! I wasn't involved in the break-up of thier relationship. She threw him out, had him sleeping in his car/living out of his car. But since I've come along, she claims he was having an affair with me!!! What? But you threw him out because you said you were sick of him?! She knows it isn't the case. I can only presume she finds it easier to believe that than place some of the blame on her own behaviour....

[littlekitty]

And this cannot happen with any type of ex? I dont think the legalities of my divorce has any bearings on reconcilation. I think the distance from the time of breakup has a lot more to do with that.

 

Would you rather date someone who's legally divorced but who only needed a month for a separation until it was final, or someone who's still legally married but been separated and living apart for a year? Of course I'm biased, but I think the person that is a year into it has a lot less baggage then the one month.

 

My thought exactly?! What's to say a LTR ex might not still reconcile? What is it exactly about the bonds of marriage that make this more likely? Can you explain A_C? Because that's the part I'm just NOT getting?

 

What is it about the bonds of marraige that make a reconciliation more likely? Is just that people take marriage more seriously? Because I'm not sure that's true now-a-days.

[Devildog]

So there it was mainly a case of not doing so for the divorce case. Which totally makes sense. Do you think that extra year allowed you the time you needed to move on?

 

Startlingly similar again to how my so's exgf acts!! I wasn't involved in the break-up of thier relationship. She threw him out, had him sleeping in his car/living out of his car. But since I've come along, she claims he was having an affair with me!!! What? But you threw him out because you said you were sick of him?! She knows it isn't the case. I can only presume she finds it easier to believe that than place some of the blame on her own behaviour....

 

It only took me a few months after the separation to realize just how bad my marriage was. Truth be told it was only about 7 months after my XW decided to separate and the divorce was finalized. I was ready to move on at that point, but I don't think I was quite ready to start dating at that point yet. Still needed to do more work on myself.

 

Yeah, some people will do anything to avoid guilt. Even if it means rewriting history.

[Art_Critic]

Sure it can happen with any ex..

 

But with a marriage there are ties/dynamics working that other relationships don't have..

Assets to be dealt with .. kids.. all these things keep the relationship on the forefront of both people..

 

TO ME ..If an exgf called me up and wanted to reconcile the chances of that happening are less than if my seperated wife calls..

 

Married does not = single and available

 

Divorced means single and available

 

Also.. until about a year after my divorce While I was trying to date and move on I would be told by women " Sorry" you haven't been divorced a year yet...

I used to get my feelings hurt until I lived thru all the changes you go thru once the divorce is final.

 

I now know what they meant.. and I also will tippy toe around a freshly divorced female..As soon as the divorce is final dgiirl you will have top deal with all the emotions you haven't had to deal with yet..

[Devildog]

As soon as the divorce is final dgiirl you will have top deal with all the emotions you haven't had to deal with yet..

 

This is very true. I know even though I was relieved at having the whole ordeal done and over with, there was still alot of emotion involved with that day. More soul searching. You don't get through that part unscathed, no matter how much you want it to be over.

[dgiirl]

I understand what you guys are saying. I dealt with a lot of those emotions when i signed the divorce papers in September. More emotions in November when I put the house up for sale, and even more of those emotions when he came to pick up _all_ his furniture in December. And it'll probably be really hard the day I sell the house and move. I still have all these reminders and I'm sick of it. I still dont think that means I have the plague and shouldnt even be able to create friendships. I've taken things really really slow. If I wanted to, I could start dating in my current city. But I dont want too because I do have things to work out, and if I met someone here, then I'd have to stay here, and I dont want to do that. But at the same time, I shouldnt be forced to stop my whole life and not create friendships because I'm a "married" woman. Everyone has baggage when they come out of a relationship. I still think time play's a much bigger role than legalities.

[Spacekase]

at the same time, I shouldnt be forced to stop my whole life and not create friendships because I'm a "married" woman. Everyone has baggage when they come out of a relationship. I still think time play's a much bigger role than legalities.

 

dgiirl, it seems to me that you have moved on and are totally ready for a new relationship. I guarantee you that that dude with whom you emailed had never been divorced or married. especially since you were so up front with him. I would blame it on his inexperience, not on him being a creep. Of course I don't know the whole story.... so my opinion is not worth too horrendously much

 

I think that the mentality you have has much more to do with being "ready" or not to start looking again, than does the amount of time you've been separated. If you've moved on and want to try for new love, that's all that matters. But it's also important to be sure you've moved on, if only just to be fair to the guys you date.

 

I've been separated from my wife for about 9 months, and we've seen each other a lot, but things have gone way downhill lately. However, even if starting tonight I never was to see her again, I can guarantee you that I wouldn't be dating again anytime soon. Probably not for at least a year, even if the divorce was final.

[dgiirl]

Yes the guy had his own baggage. He wasnt a creep, just a little insensitive and inexperienced.

 

I totally agree with you Spacekase. It's not fair to get involved with someone until you clean up your own baggage. That's why I have already taken a year off. And I'm not sure I'm 100% ready just yet. The thing is, I wasnt getting into a relationship with this guy. I signed up to this site as looking for friends. I am corresponding with people who are not local. I want to interact with people and if things develop into something more, great, but noone wants to make friends anymore. Either you offer them a relationship or they dont want to get to know you. Anyways, I've been reflecting a lot and maybe I'll just take another break. Maybe a week/month/year, I donno, but I need a break.

[witabix]

Yes the guy had his own baggage. He wasnt a creep, just a little insensitive and inexperienced.

 

I totally agree with you Spacekase. It's not fair to get involved with someone until you clean up your own baggage. That's why I have already taken a year off. And I'm not sure I'm 100% ready just yet. The thing is, I wasnt getting into a relationship with this guy. I signed up to this site as looking for friends. I am corresponding with people who are not local. I want to interact with people and if things develop into something more, great, but noone wants to make friends anymore. Either you offer them a relationship or they dont want to get to know you. Anyways, I've been reflecting a lot and maybe I'll just take another break. Maybe a week/month/year, I donno, but I need a break.

 

I hope thats not the case dgiirl.

 

But even in a few short days I am getting that feeling.

 

Strangely my experience, again only over less than a week, is the opposite of your OP. Two nights in a row now I have gotten 'reactions' from women that I know quite well that are the absolute reverse of what you describe.

 

"I can be predatory", "My bf (various negatives as to thy its not working out)", and various other comments. Women I know only a little striking up personal conversations that they didn't before.

 

As I said, the reverse of what you describe in your OP. I was not married of course or living with anyone, that may have a bearing on it. But I am certainly not experiencing the same thing you are.

 

I feel a little a taxi, the yellow 'for hire' light has come on in some peoples eyes, and its me who wants to wait.

[Mz. Pixie]

D-

 

I feel ya honey. Don't take it personally! It's his issue, not yours.

 

My husband dated a woman before he dated me after he was divorced. She was separated. It didn't turn out well. Come to find out after all she thought her husband (2nd) one was her soulmate and didn't want to invest too much time in a new relationship in case he came back. Oh, she wanted to date him, let him spend money on her, but she wouldn't be exclusive unless he seemed interested in someone else.

 

When I met him, I was separated too and was honest about it. One of the questions he asked was "Are you emotionally divorced?" There is a big difference. Yeah, you're emotionally divorced from el jerko but yet this guy didn't take the time to ask.

 

In your situation you're just waiting on the papers to be finalized and I can see that but I can also see how he might be a little scared to get involved with someone who wasn't fully divorced, just based on what happened to my H.

[dgiirl]

I hope thats not the case dgiirl.

 

Sadly, it's very true. I've been told by two different guys this past week that they're not interested in expanding their social group. They have enough friends, so either I know what I want or I dont. I'm not very familiar with this dating scene, but to me, becoming friends with someone is pretty important. And I'm not for a ONS either, so I'm just SOL.

[witabix]

I'd be worried about someone who said they had enough friends....

 

Whats the quota these days?

[GuySimple]

I hear ya DG. I haven’t been separated quite a year yet. I just make sure I am up front with people and tell them what I am looking for (ie not interested in jumping into marriage again). Most are cool with that and understand while others seem to think that I am just playing the field.

 

What is funny is that the first few people I went out with told me that I was very new at this and most likely not over my ex. Funny, because they proceeded to talk about their ex’s like they were still married.

 

Another thing, if these guy’s are concerned about you not being divorced I expect that they are looking for a very serious relationship. Is that what you want right off the bat?

 

I met a woman the other night who has also been separated under a year. She asked what I was looking for in a relationship and I said I wanted a friend and after I got to that stage we would look at the next one if we wanted to. She had this look of relief on her face as most men say they want it all right now. They are looking to replace their former wife or what they wanted for a former wife.

 

Someone earlier mentioned that separation and divorce is essentially the same thing for most people. I tend to agree with this in most cases (not all). If the two people are still in love and eventually work through differences having a legal piece of paper saying they are divorced doesn’t mean they won’t ever get back together.

 

My wife and I still get along great (better in fact) and yes there are days when I wonder what if and I know she does as well. But, I know that we are much happier apart than together and now I am noticing my kids are doing better. When I tell people that, whom are divorced, they get nervous because people naturally assume that you don’t have a good relationship.

 

You will meet people who are at the same stage as you and will be OK with the fact that you are separated. If not, give me a call, just friends though.