What should I do about this?

[Ace]

This is how the situation goes:

 

1. Whenever I am with my girlfriend, I LIKE being with her, don't love. I get bored about 50% of the time with her, but the rest is great times.

 

2. We have been going out 5 years now, but she has already graduated from college and I am still in school. She is talking about marriage alot and I am not ready at all to get married. This is bothering me and may be one reason that I have been feeling the way that I am.

 

3. Whenever we are apart, I don't miss her at all. I can always find other things to do so I am not that worried about seeing her every day. She wants to see each other every day. I definately do not want to do that. I feel if we see each other twice a week, that is fine with me.

 

4. Whenever we have "talks" about our relationship and she says something about breaking up, it kills me and I get really worried. What's up with that?

 

I have thought alot about how I am feeling and I don't know! It is scary because I think how I would be without her. Sometimes I feel as if I would be OK and I would like it better, but other times, it really hurts. I really don't know what to do at all. I can't believe that only a few months ago, I would have done anything for her. Now, it is not that big of a deal if I see her or not. I have already told her about it and she says that we can work with it. She also says that I am the person that she wants to marry and she has no doubt about that. I do not feel the same way at all.

 

Any advice?

[Tony T]

When she was a challenge, when she was playing hard to get, you couldn't charge ahead fast enough. Now that she loves you and wants a life with you, it isn't so fascinating.

 

Just human nature, that's all.

 

You simply aren't ready for a forever thing. When you are, none of these issues you describe will exist. Meanwhile, I suggest you treat your lady kindly. I think if she were to disappear from your life, you would be deeply hurt by it.

[Dragonflys]

Gee Ace

 

I can't believe I'm hearing from the same guy who was basically gonna shut down and die if she had have left you 4 months ago.

 

Blimey.....

 

You are never happy!

 

You know what I think?, I think you have just not had the chance to develop your own individual happiness properly. You seem to not be stimulaed by life unless you are in a crisis, or have something dangerous or losable in your hands. You take advantage of everything you have.

 

Hey, I don't think you are a bad person or have a character flaw, I just don't think you have had the experience to see life from all perspectives. You need some time alone, dating or not dating to find out what you want in life. But hey will you do that?...given that you have always feared your gf woulf find a better life away from you?.

 

You need time to grow. I really applaud you for seeing that marrying your gf is a bad thing...it really is right now...you do not feel the butterflies and joy that come with love, you are only held there out of fear of being on your own. But I think that is the only way you will grow to be a man.

 

Oliver

[just a lady]

You are not in love with her, very simple. The reason why you may get "scared" of her leaving is the sheer comfort of it all. Your comfortable with her, obviously after five years and the idea of striking out a new relatiosnhip with someone else may be frightening. I think you should be honest with her. If your heart isn't into a relationship with her, then let her find someone who can give her what she needs. Otherwise, if you continue this way, it will lead to marriage and you would only be resentful and that isn't fair to her. 50% just isn't enough to make it work.

 

This is how the situation goes:

1. Whenever I am with my girlfriend, I LIKE being with her, don't love. I get bored about 50% of the time with her, but the rest is great times. 2. We have been going out 5 years now, but she has already graduated from college and I am still in school. She is talking about marriage alot and I am not ready at all to get married. This is bothering me and may be one reason that I have been feeling the way that I am. 3. Whenever we are apart, I don't miss her at all. I can always find other things to do so I am not that worried about seeing her every day. She wants to see each other every day. I definately do not want to do that. I feel if we see each other twice a week, that is fine with me. 4. Whenever we have "talks" about our relationship and she says something about breaking up, it kills me and I get really worried. What's up with that? I have thought alot about how I am feeling and I don't know! It is scary because I think how I would be without her. Sometimes I feel as if I would be OK and I would like it better, but other times, it really hurts. I really don't know what to do at all. I can't believe that only a few months ago, I would have done anything for her. Now, it is not that big of a deal if I see her or not. I have already told her about it and she says that we can work with it. She also says that I am the person that she wants to marry and she has no doubt about that. I do not feel the same way at all. Any advice?

[Lola]

I have this book, that is just great. It is called "Hot Relationships" by Tracey Cox. I would suggest everyone read it.

 

In it there is a leave or stay checklist:

 

1. Don't base your decision exclusively on retracing the history of the realtionship: You will put a biased slant on things depending on how you feel at the time.

 

2. How willing are you and your partner to work at making the relationship better? How much energy have you both already put into trying to make the relationship good. If the answer is hardly any or none at all, stay where you are, you haven't even tried yet.

 

3. Are you staying becuase you can't bear to give up on all that hard work? If you have been together for years, it can seem like such a wate to throw it all in and start again. If that's the only reason you're staying, get out. Cut your losses and leave now, so you're not wasting even more time.

 

4. What if you leave and don't find someone else? If you find yourself asking this question and it's the only thing that's stopping you packing your bags, again, you're definitlely hanging around for the wrong reasons. Get a dog.

 

5. Have you outgrown the relationship? Two years ago you might have been compatible, but different life events sometimes force us in different directions. Ask yourself, "Are we such different people now we really don't have anything in common? Or could we bridge the gap by talking moore and letting each other in on our lives?"

 

6. Make two lists. The first: What do you have to gain by staying? Then go through each one and say to yourself: Am I in in just for the _____? (Sex, Something to do on the weekends, etc) The second list is: What do you have to gain by leaving? List all the pluses for flying the coop.

 

7. Do you need more information? You may decide you would like to stay with your partner but want to travel solo for 6 months. It's worth asking rather than assuming she would say no.

 

8. Does your decision feel right? If you decide to stay, do you feel a renewed sense of commitment? If you decide to leave, do you feel elated and massive relief?

 

There is also another section in the book that simply says:

 

It's time to go when:

 

-You only share one or two things in common: a hobby, sex, the dog.

 

-They're unwilling to change or compromise. They don't think you have any problems, even though you have confessed that you are not happy.

 

- Your partner treats you badly.

 

- Your partner takes you for granted or you're so bored you can barely work up the enthusiasm to kiss goodbye before leaving for work.

 

- You love them, but don't like them much. It sounds bizarre, but love isn't a reason to stay. You can love your partner on one level, but still not be suited long term.

 

Like I said, great book... It tells you everything from how to be a happy single, to things like what is above, to after an affair, to marriage and children. It even has a section on constructive arguing.

[Tony T]

"Hot Relationships"....sounds like a great book...probably available at www.amazon.com.

 

Will you share your commissions with us??? Tracy Cox sounds pretty generous. (lol)

[Lola]

I just don't want to get in trouble by quoting a book and not saying so. I worry about that kind of stuff. I'm afraid someone would catch on and end up suing me for copywrite infringment.

 

As far as commissions.... I wish! lol

 

Have you read it. It is a great book!

[Tony T]

It sounds like a great book...I haven't read it...there are just so very many excellent ones on the subject.

 

As far as copyright infringement, you've already exposed yourself to that. Reprinting material without written permission is a copyright violation. Only book reviewers and students can use small snippets without permission.

 

I suppose this forum would qualify for a special use but I'm not sure just how much you can reprint word for word before you're in trouble. Proper attribution, as you have done, usually satisfies the author if the infraction isn't too serious.

 

Don't worry. Tracy only comes by here twice a year. And she should be extremely happy for the way you have touted her book in all your posts. (Assuming Tracy is female)

[Lola]

Oops... see... that's why we need you!

 

You make us laugh and inform us!

 

So what is your deal (nothing negative meant by that)? Are you an aspiring psychologist, or just someone who has been through enough crap, that you can relate?