*long* rant about Men, Love, Life.....

[Laurynn]

Maybe it's the fact that we've had at least 3 staight weeks of scorching heat here, and my house is 90 degrees inside every day (which makes me tired and bitchy)...or maybe it's just life in general....but I just need to vent.

 

My last serious, long-term relationship was 2 yrs ago...and that guy was a lying, cheap, penniless, alcoholic, insecure, controlling, selfish deadbeat. The guy before that, pretty darn close.

 

I've never had a truly good, loving, mutually respectful relationship...not in all my years of dating (including an abusive JOKE of a marriage). I am now extremely cynical about men and love.

 

I'm 34 and single and although I've always wanted to have a child or two (while married), that is just not in the cards because I am too old...and if I'm fortunate enough to find a decent guy and marry him, we're lookin' at another 2 yrs. I'll be 36 then. I'm not comfortable having a child at that age (health risks to baby). This pisses me off.

 

The men I've dated in the past have all let me down. I couldn't count on any of them. They've lead me to the realization that it's not possible for them to pull their weight in a relationship. Every guy I've dated/married/lived with...USELESS. Thanks to me, they had a nice, clean home to live in...laundry always done, groceries always bought, bills paid on time, great meals, fresh sheets, yardwork done, etc etc. They always promised to "do their fair share" in the beginning, but the novelty of that wore off very quickly and I was left doing everything. Men have it made in the shade. They are, for the most part, useless. It's the woman who busts her ass to make a nice home for them both. I've been down that road far too many times, won't go there again.

 

Though I'm very independent and self reliant, I'm tired of being alone sometimes. I'm tired of spending the weekends alone. The evenings alone......but do I really want a useless man who puts on an act to get you to fall in love with him...sucker you in, then after a couple months his true colors emerge? Do I really have the energy or heart to go through all that bulls*** again? I don't think so. I am so cynical.

 

I watch that show on TV, "The Wedding Story"....it shows couples a couple days before their wedding, the day of the wedding....and I nearly gag when I listen to them. They talk about how they'll be together forever, how they're a 'team', how they're soulmates, bla bla...and I don't know whether to laugh or yell at the TV, "you are both very disillusioned!" Of course things start out great in a marriage......nobody PLANS on getting divorced...nobody PLANS on getting cheated on or beaten up or manipulated or disrespected.

 

Thinking back to the last time a guy took me out for a nice romantic dinner. Guess it was the summer of 1998....though what did that mean, the bastard ending up leaving me to pay for my own $5300 engagement ring (after he moved out on me, 3 weeks before Christmas of that year).

 

I am sick and tired of my married friends and relatives going on and on and on about their husbands, their precious little children, how they look forward to family vacations, how little Sally is such a joy. I could puke. Do they really think I get some kind of enjoyment out of listening to all this bulls***? Is that all supposed to make me feel better about the fact that I'm 34, single, no boyfriend, no husband, no hope for future children....? Are they just stupid or selfish or narcissistic or dense or arrogant or insensitive or what?

 

One of my old best friends from high school lives here. Hadn't seen her in years. She grew up in a family where parents were multi-millionaires. This gal grew up spoiled rotten. Then married a rich guy. She's never had to work a day in her life. Never had to worry about money. Never had to live in a rental house. Always had the best. So she calls me up, asks if I want to come over for dinner some night....how she can't wait to "show off her kids" (7 yr old boy and 8 month old baby girl). Yeah, like I want to sit there, fighting back the tears while I see where she is in life, and realize where I am in life.....then leave there bawling because I'll never know the love between a mother and child. All she could talk about on the phone was her kids.

 

Do these a**h***s not for one minute consider that I might just be sensitive to this whole issue? Do any of these people think for one minute what it must be like to be alone all the time? To have nobody to love?..nobody who loves you?

 

I give up on meeting someone through the Internet Personals. I am convinced that 99% of them are all social rejects, perverts, liars, game players, cheapskates, losers. I don't have the time, energy or desire to try and wade through them all just to get to that rare 1% that might be normal. Have you even LOOKED at the pictures of these guys? Most of them look like something off of America's Most Wanted...that or else something from a Psych Ward.

 

I'm discouraged. I'm pissed off. I'm becoming bitter. I start to wonder if I'm going to be an old maid. I love being independent, I am happy that I'm the strong person I've grown to be....but sometimes it would be so nice to have a helping hand.....like if I'm feeling sick, someone to pour me a glass of juice..or do the dishes for me......or take the garbage out...or shovel the driveway in the winter......or call me in the afternoon and ask "is there anything I can pick up for you on the way home?"

 

I live in quite a "to do" neighborhood. Do I ever see any of the women out there doing yardwork? Of course not. They're spoiled rotten, I guess. There I am, with a back injury, busting my ass and doing the best I can. (I can't afford to hire anyone). I'm tired of listening to my sister bitch about a little fight she had with her millionaire husband........christ, in my past marriage, I had the crap smacked out of me on a weekly basis. Sorry sis, but I have no sympathy for the odd little disagreement over what color to paint the guest room or which restaurant you and hubby will go to on Friday night.

 

Sorry folks, this is disjointed and stupid...I just needed to get it all out. Nobody I know in real life would understand. They all have their nice little homes, their husbands, their children, their dreams for the future. Personally, I think life fricken sucks the big one.

 

L

[Tony T]

Yeah, sometimes life does suck the big one. I hear ya!

 

I get the sense you're somehow stuck in this place. Is there some reason you want to be there?

 

I really do think we all create our own reality. I don't know if you're ready to explore that possibility or not. But I really hate to see you have such a crappy outlook on things. Life doesn't have to suck so bad as you describe.

 

And as strong a personality as you have, it's really hard for me to believe you would take crap off any man for even ten seconds.

[Laurynn]

Hi Tony,

 

No, I will no longer take crap from any man..which is why I've been so choosy and so single these past 2 yrs. I know how it goes...you meet someone, they put on their best act, tell you everything they think you want to hear, misrepresent who they are/what their goals are/what their values are...then a few months down the road, after you've fallen in love, you realize they were full of #####...then you've wasted AGAIN, more time and energy. I don't even have the energy to want to date anyone any more. I am just so cynical....which causes me to fear that I'm going to end up alone, forever.

 

I'm stuck in a type of rut because I will never put up with a man's ##### again, but on the other hand, going through life alone is no picnic, either.

 

Like they say, all the good ones are taken. That seems to be the case. Most guys I've met in my age group (32-38)....they're either recently divorced, divorced with 3 kids, separated (which in my books is "still married"), or they are weird/lazy/still living with roommates/spend every weekend out at the clubs/bars (gag), no motivation, no goals, no ambition.

 

Due to doing all my schooling (have another year left to go) from home (only way this program is offered, by 'distance education'), I'm not out and about meeting many people.....and the people I know are married. Couples and their kids. I have nothing in common with them at all.

 

I don't know, guess I'm just in a rut.

 

L

[Dragonflys]

OK, well hello there dear...

 

I didn't read Tony's response because I want to give you my own voice untarnished by his wisdom and logic, I guess so I can be instinctual in my response.

 

You know what impressions I got from your post?

 

Well first positive: here's a very intelligent, articulate, independant, strong, caring, thoughtful woman writing here....and you are only 34!!...dammit!. You have complete freedom of choice and opinions. Basically you have everything going for you.

 

The negative?, well you come across bitter and aggressive towards men...and yes, understandably so given the crap you have gone through. But I tell you what darling, those bums aren't here anymore, they do not feel any of your pain and will probably never learn or care about it.

 

The Myths: Myth 1: not all men are bums, in fact I'd say a majority aren't..if they are over there...GET THE F#@K OUT OF TOWN!!!!. I find that in the places I have lived (Sydney/New York..particularly New York) there are heaps of active, intellectually stimulating, single guys in their 30's who are independant and looking to meet an independant woman.

 

Myth 2: men you find on the internet are not all bums..I know because I have tried it, and good people I know have tried it. [forgive me talking myself up, but I think I stack up alright against the bunch you describe ]

 

I'm not going to give you advice except to say that if you drop your mindset about men in general and give yourself a clean slate to work with you have so much opportunity!!. I just wish you could see it!. Just dive back in, make a ton of male friends whether by internet or getting involved in things and weed out the bad ones over time. The good ones will be those that can be a friend you get to know for a while so you can discover each other and the rest will fall into place.

 

I really think you are great, and if you just forget what's in your head you will find someone and be able to do everything you talk about, just like everyone else.

 

Oliver

[Daisy]

I think it's a shame that you have such a negative outlook on life. Sure, sometimes things suck in life that we wish we could change. But sh*t happens. You're an adult ... you just have to learn how to deal with it ... or you'll end up holed up in your house in the backwoods of Wyoming plotting where to mail your next homemade bomb.

 

Your life is what you make it out to be. If all you can do is rant and rave about how much it sucks to see everyone around you happy, then you're making your own personal hell. And I don't see why that should get you any sympathy from anyone. The really strong people in life are the ones that go through personal hardships, but then they learn from them, they don't dwell on them, and they work on making their life better for themselves. They don't plop themselves down on their couch and hiss about how much they hate it when Jane talks about her children.

 

Oh, and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Every single man out there is going to have some imperfection, whether it be laziness, boringness, cheapness, crooked toes, smelly armpits, flatulance issues, etc., etc. I agree that you should no way put up with any bullsh*t attitude problems or anything like that. All I'm trying to say is that every man is going to have something that you might not like about him, and vise versa. Maybe you should look into the type of man you are attracted to, and decide if maybe that should be investigated further. Maybe broaden your areas, so to speak.

[Laurynn]

Daisy, I have posted here for over a year now. It's been absolutely months since I've posted anything "personal." I'm usually here trying to offer advice.

 

I'm not one to sit around and whine and complain. I pretty much keep my hurts, frustrations, worries to myself.....I've never seen the need to spill my guts/my problems with others who have their own problems. What I'm saying is, don't paint me to be some kind of perpetual "woe is me" whiner, here.

 

You have no idea what I've been through in my life. I grew up in a home where my mother was a nutcase/time bomb..who regularly tried to choke me to death..that was when she wasn't whipping me with a skipping rope or breaking wooden spoon across the back of my head. Okay, that was then..I've forgiven her and moved on from that.

 

I was in a horribly abusive marriage where the last straw, after 2 yrs of abuse, was being held prisoner in my home all night....with loaded guns, fearing for my life.....managing to get out of the house and make it down that gravel road into town to get to the police station.

 

I took 4 yrs after leaving him (ex hubby) to heal, recover, get my self esteem back up there. All that time, I kept telling myself that "the one" for me was somewhere out there......that I'd find him one day, that we'd have a family. Maybe you don't think my "rant" is a big deal.....but having children has been a dream of mine since I was 20 yrs old. Realistically, that's not going to happen now. That's not something I can put out of my mind easily. This really upsets me, and I think most people could understand that.

 

Years ago, I was a shy, passive, easily-manipulated, always trying to 'keep the peace' kind of doormat......and through my bad childhood and bad marriage and subsequent abusive/crappy relationships, I've grown a lot......I'm strong, I love myself, I can think my way out of things, I don't really have to rely on anyone.......I am proud of myself because I've come a long way.

 

All I ever wanted, from the time I was in my early 20's, was to settle down, get married to a good man, have a family. I don't see that happening any time soon...and I'm not exactly getting any younger. It seems to me that you (for whatever reasons) don't understand where I'm coming from here.

 

Yes, I know that not all men are perfect....just as I'm not perfect......but I have never done the things to any man I've dated that have been done to me: I've never mooched off of someone, I've never cheated on them, lied to them, betrayed them, disrespected them, used them, manipulated them, beat them, spit in their face, not faced up to my responsibilities. I've always taken relationships seriously...and I've always pulled more than my share of the weight in the relationship.

 

I have spent many years trying to figure out what kind of man I'm attracted to..what the 'common denominator' is that attracts me to the losers......I have figured that part out......but there just aren't many good guys left. Maybe there are where you live, maybe you aren't as choosy.....but I've wasted many years, and many thousands of dollars, and cried many tears......life is far too short for me to 'settle.'

 

L

[midori]

Hey Laurynn, I hear you. Sometimes I feel very much the same way, about why I can't find a good guy, about whether or not I'll have children (I'm 30 now), and also about why some people are so blindly obtuse in their happy little worlds that they fail to appreciate how you might feel when they go on and on about their domestic bliss and/or problems. But such people would probably be self-absorbed and inconsiderate regardless of their marital status.

 

Until my last boyfriend, I had a similarly dismal dating record with a succession of unreliable users (one an acknowledged alcoholic). What was I thinking?! That's what I (and my mom) would like to know. Because I've always found the nice guys that have been interested in me to be completely UNinteresting. Why? Why the attraction to the jerks? Until my last bf that is, who was successful and generous and considerate and loving ... but had a concrete wall erected around at least one part of his heart?

 

I'm a strong woman, an intelligent woman, a capable woman. I'm also caring and patient and kind and generous. So why am I subconsciously attracted to men who are bound to disappoint, men who don't seem to appreciate all that I have to offer? Isn't that silly and self-defeating? I don't know if I've figured it out entirely yet, but this much has occurred to me. I think that there is some kind of buried insecurity within me that compels me to find men who NEED me. A man whose life would be a shambles without me would be more likely to adore me, stay loyal and in love -- right? That's wrong of course, for any number of reasons. (And even if it did work that way, I'd probably become sick of such a man after a while, resenting his flaws and having contempt for his dependency on me.) But I think that's the subconscious logic I've been operating with and I think it explains why I've been attracted to idiots for such a long time. Nice guys who have their act together, who clean their own bathrooms and cook their own meals, who know their own hearts, and who are successful and self-sufficient don't need me. So why would they want me? It's a warped way of thinking, and of course it's not something that I've been consciously thinking. I think I'm slowly emerging from its influence.

 

Does this sound familiar to you? Maybe it's just me.

 

34 is not too old. It just isn't! Not in this day and age. I realize that age norms are different in different parts of the country and that where you are most of the people your age might already be married and have families. But that's not the case everywhere. I know what you're saying, believe me I know it first-hand. But don't despair. And don't let insensitive people get under your skin. Their narrow-minded conceptions of happiness constrict their own horizons and ironically make them more vulnerable to misfortune. What happens if something happens to disrupt their protected little world -- will they be able to cope? Unlkely if they're so unimaginative that they can't see how people could find satisfaction without the things that they take for granted as their due. But you're self-reliant and flexible enough to take what comes your way. Good things will come your way too.

[Miss Mojo]

hi laurynn,

 

i wholeheartedly agree with your last comment that life is too short to just "settle". i've always had a dream of getting married and having children oneday, but i know this will not happen until i meet a guy that i'm totally awestruck over. and i sure as hell can't imagine having children with a guy that i am not totally in love with. if i never meet this guy, i'd rather stay single for the rest of my life than just settle.

 

i have a friend who has been single for a couple of years now, and we were having a talk the other day about how hard it is to find a decent mate. i really empathise with you on that one. neither of us want someone as a bed buddy....we want a real relationship. it really does suck wondering when the hell it's going to be your turn for something great.

 

i wish i could offer you some good advice, but i'm kind of stuck here except to say that i really admire your strength after everything you've been through and completely understand that sometimes you just have a gutful of wondering if your dreams will ever come true. sometimes i think it's easy to be cynical when you see everyone else living your dream....especially when you know you deserve it too, more so than others you know who seem to "have it all". i'm just glad to know that you know your self-worth and have love and respect for yourself.

 

i really do feel that with your attitude to your life and your strength, it will happen oneday....even though the waiting part sucks.

 

best wishes

 

p.s. tell your sister's millionaire husband to pay for a gardener for you....a really hunky, sensitive one!

[Miss Mojo]

....is new york a better place to meet guys than sydney (given the population, obviously!).

 

ta-ta sydney....hello the big apple!!!

[Lola]

Buy the book:

 

Hot relationships

 

I know it sounds corny, but it really is worth it. It discusses everything from being single, to how to look for mister right (including all the early warning signs of mister wrong). To getting through the relationship, constructive arguing, when to get out, children, the dreaded "m" word (you've been there, I never want to get married - too much ##### to put up with).

 

It is written by Tracey Cox. It has a florescent green cover (I know, gaudy & disgusting, I almost didn't buy it becuase of that). It's in the self help section. Tracey Cox is a sex and relationship therapist, she has a degree in psychology.

[Lauren]

The heat is getting to everyone - isn't it! I read your post and can take it one of two ways - a vent session or an attack on men/relationships. I feel that you are just venting, and I think that stress - no matter what the source - does need to be relieved. I, myself, am 34-years old (getting way to close to 35) and I get upset, angry and frustrated at times. I've wanted to be married and have a family as long as memory takes me back. I did not have an easy childhood by any means. My life hasn't been easy. I won't go into personal details. I work with some very immature people (all ages) that have no clue about a relationship - they want the "cute" guy or the "hottie" girl. Uh huh. Even some of the married population here drool and slobber and talk about being with a "real hottie". Uh huh. I read in your post and ascertain that your really horrible experiences have led you to the point where you are at - determined. YEA!!!!!! I look back and shake my head in wonder on how I made it this far without a nervous breakdown, getting into drugs or alcohol, or just plain given up!! You're not in desparate, hopeless situation. You are a survivor - and I have to say this (I've posted this in couple of other replies) - chin up, chest out, butt tight and go get 'em tiger!!! Do not compare yourself to anyone!!!! No matter how it seems, you would not want the "exact" life of your "millionaire" sister or friend. Their spouses, children, relationships, and lives are special to them. My friend told me not to put a time limit on anything. I could have strangled him for saying that to me. Hello?!! Biological clock - women have a limited time to bear children, especially with health risks to both!! It is difficult to look at those numbers going up without wanting to push or rush things. Don't focus on the particular point of children. I gathered from you post that you want a healthy, respectful relationship. Keep in mind what you have been through and how those experiences pushed that desire for relationship into focus. You don't want a husband - you want a partner to share with; maybe a family. You don't want a child - you want a family to share love with; maybe your own. Try not to let the negative stuff - whether it is regarding men, relationships, the weather, or the time the mail arrives - get to you. Stay focused on where you are - you have come a long way!! Most people do not reach a point where they are so sure of themselves and what the want. I really wish I could tell you more or talk with you, because it seems like we have a lot in common regarding our past experiences. I, do hope that this helps.

 

Maybe it's the fact that we've had at least 3 staight weeks of scorching heat here, and my house is 90 degrees inside every day (which makes me tired and bitchy)...or maybe it's just life in general....but I just need to vent. My last serious, long-term relationship was 2 yrs ago...and that guy was a lying, cheap, penniless, alcoholic, insecure, controlling, selfish deadbeat. The guy before that, pretty darn close. I've never had a truly good, loving, mutually respectful relationship...not in all my years of dating (including an abusive JOKE of a marriage). I am now extremely cynical about men and love.

 

I'm 34 and single and although I've always wanted to have a child or two (while married), that is just not in the cards because I am too old...and if I'm fortunate enough to find a decent guy and marry him, we're lookin' at another 2 yrs. I'll be 36 then. I'm not comfortable having a child at that age (health risks to baby). This pisses me off. The men I've dated in the past have all let me down. I couldn't count on any of them. They've lead me to the realization that it's not possible for them to pull their weight in a relationship. Every guy I've dated/married/lived with...USELESS. Thanks to me, they had a nice, clean home to live in...laundry always done, groceries always bought, bills paid on time, great meals, fresh sheets, yardwork done, etc etc. They always promised to "do their fair share" in the beginning, but the novelty of that wore off very quickly and I was left doing everything. Men have it made in the shade. They are, for the most part, useless. It's the woman who busts her ass to make a nice home for them both. I've been down that road far too many times, won't go there again. Though I'm very independent and self reliant, I'm tired of being alone sometimes. I'm tired of spending the weekends alone. The evenings alone......but do I really want a useless man who puts on an act to get you to fall in love with him...sucker you in, then after a couple months his true colors emerge? Do I really have the energy or heart to go through all that bulls*** again? I don't think so. I am so cynical. I watch that show on TV, "The Wedding Story"....it shows couples a couple days before their wedding, the day of the wedding....and I nearly gag when I listen to them. They talk about how they'll be together forever, how they're a 'team', how they're soulmates, bla bla...and I don't know whether to laugh or yell at the TV, "you are both very disillusioned!" Of course things start out great in a marriage......nobody PLANS on getting divorced...nobody PLANS on getting cheated on or beaten up or manipulated or disrespected.

 

Thinking back to the last time a guy took me out for a nice romantic dinner. Guess it was the summer of 1998....though what did that mean, the bastard ending up leaving me to pay for my own $5300 engagement ring (after he moved out on me, 3 weeks before Christmas of that year).

 

I am sick and tired of my married friends and relatives going on and on and on about their husbands, their precious little children, how they look forward to family vacations, how little Sally is such a joy. I could puke. Do they really think I get some kind of enjoyment out of listening to all this bulls***? Is that all supposed to make me feel better about the fact that I'm 34, single, no boyfriend, no husband, no hope for future children....? Are they just stupid or selfish or narcissistic or dense or arrogant or insensitive or what? One of my old best friends from high school lives here. Hadn't seen her in years. She grew up in a family where parents were multi-millionaires. This gal grew up spoiled rotten. Then married a rich guy. She's never had to work a day in her life. Never had to worry about money. Never had to live in a rental house. Always had the best. So she calls me up, asks if I want to come over for dinner some night....how she can't wait to "show off her kids" (7 yr old boy and 8 month old baby girl). Yeah, like I want to sit there, fighting back the tears while I see where she is in life, and realize where I am in life.....then leave there bawling because I'll never know the love between a mother and child. All she could talk about on the phone was her kids. Do these a**h***s not for one minute consider that I might just be sensitive to this whole issue? Do any of these people think for one minute what it must be like to be alone all the time? To have nobody to love?..nobody who loves you? I give up on meeting someone through the Internet Personals. I am convinced that 99% of them are all social rejects, perverts, liars, game players, cheapskates, losers. I don't have the time, energy or desire to try and wade through them all just to get to that rare 1% that might be normal. Have you even LOOKED at the pictures of these guys? Most of them look like something off of America's Most Wanted...that or else something from a Psych Ward. I'm discouraged. I'm pissed off. I'm becoming bitter. I start to wonder if I'm going to be an old maid. I love being independent, I am happy that I'm the strong person I've grown to be....but sometimes it would be so nice to have a helping hand.....like if I'm feeling sick, someone to pour me a glass of juice..or do the dishes for me......or take the garbage out...or shovel the driveway in the winter......or call me in the afternoon and ask "is there anything I can pick up for you on the way home?" I live in quite a "to do" neighborhood. Do I ever see any of the women out there doing yardwork? Of course not. They're spoiled rotten, I guess. There I am, with a back injury, busting my ass and doing the best I can. (I can't afford to hire anyone). I'm tired of listening to my sister bitch about a little fight she had with her millionaire husband........christ, in my past marriage, I had the crap smacked out of me on a weekly basis. Sorry sis, but I have no sympathy for the odd little disagreement over what color to paint the guest room or which restaurant you and hubby will go to on Friday night. Sorry folks, this is disjointed and stupid...I just needed to get it all out. Nobody I know in real life would understand. They all have their nice little homes, their husbands, their children, their dreams for the future. Personally, I think life fricken sucks the big one. L

[Buckeyegal]

Gee, Laurynn, your experiences, your views on men, your cynicism are almost identical to mine...reading your post was eerily like reading my journal. With one exception, I do have 2 wonderful daughters that came out of my marriage from hell. My ex sounds like your ex to a tee! I'm not sure if it makes me feel better or more disheartened to hear that other women share my views on the likelihood of a mutually loving and respectful relationship. Like you, I feel that I no longer have it in me to even try again.

 

I really have no encouraging words for you as far as relationships go, I'm looking for them myself...however, if you really want to be a mother and are financially and emotionally stable, why not look into a sperm bank or adoption. Yes, ideally I'm sure you would want to raise a child in a 2 parent home, but you can be a successful and loving single parent. Even if you were to find who you thought was the man of your dreams today, there are no guarantees, you know that as much as I do. So if being a mom is really what you want, always dreamed of, then don't let the lack of a loving partner stop you.

 

As far as being bitter about why you can't seem to attain that picture perfect dream that everyone else seems to have, why is it so elusive...remember that everything isn't always as it seems from the outside. Nobody knows exactly what's going on in a marriage except those living it, many people are quite good at putting on happy faces to the world, it doesn't necessarily mean that they are content with their lives. I know, I was married to an abusive, lying, deceitful, gambling, drinking man...and guess what, no one knew it. When finally I couldn't take it anymore and left him, everyone was totally shocked...they thought we were the "perfect" couple. Many people put on masks to hide what's really going on in their lives.

 

I know this to be the case with several people I know, and I really wish it wasn't. I'd prefer to know couples that are genuinely happy, I think it would probably give me a little more hope as far as finding a partner again, that loving relationships do exist. So try not to feel bitterness to these seemingly happy couples, instead concentrate on your own happiness and fulfillment and taking the steps to do that.

 

One more thing, you're not exactly ancient yet Laurynn, many women put off having families until their mid-thirties, a lady I know just had her first child at the age of 41. I'm sure it's a little more difficult the older you are, and the risks a little higher, but with today's medical care, it's not as risky as it was 20 yrs ago.

 

Maybe it's the fact that we've had at least 3 staight weeks of scorching heat here, and my house is 90 degrees inside every day (which makes me tired and bitchy)...or maybe it's just life in general....but I just need to vent. My last serious, long-term relationship was 2 yrs ago...and that guy was a lying, cheap, penniless, alcoholic, insecure, controlling, selfish deadbeat. The guy before that, pretty darn close. I've never had a truly good, loving, mutually respectful relationship...not in all my years of dating (including an abusive JOKE of a marriage). I am now extremely cynical about men and love.

 

I'm 34 and single and although I've always wanted to have a child or two (while married), that is just not in the cards because I am too old...and if I'm fortunate enough to find a decent guy and marry him, we're lookin' at another 2 yrs. I'll be 36 then. I'm not comfortable having a child at that age (health risks to baby). This pisses me off. The men I've dated in the past have all let me down. I couldn't count on any of them. They've lead me to the realization that it's not possible for them to pull their weight in a relationship. Every guy I've dated/married/lived with...USELESS. Thanks to me, they had a nice, clean home to live in...laundry always done, groceries always bought, bills paid on time, great meals, fresh sheets, yardwork done, etc etc. They always promised to "do their fair share" in the beginning, but the novelty of that wore off very quickly and I was left doing everything. Men have it made in the shade. They are, for the most part, useless. It's the woman who busts her ass to make a nice home for them both. I've been down that road far too many times, won't go there again. Though I'm very independent and self reliant, I'm tired of being alone sometimes. I'm tired of spending the weekends alone. The evenings alone......but do I really want a useless man who puts on an act to get you to fall in love with him...sucker you in, then after a couple months his true colors emerge? Do I really have the energy or heart to go through all that bulls*** again? I don't think so. I am so cynical. I watch that show on TV, "The Wedding Story"....it shows couples a couple days before their wedding, the day of the wedding....and I nearly gag when I listen to them. They talk about how they'll be together forever, how they're a 'team', how they're soulmates, bla bla...and I don't know whether to laugh or yell at the TV, "you are both very disillusioned!" Of course things start out great in a marriage......nobody PLANS on getting divorced...nobody PLANS on getting cheated on or beaten up or manipulated or disrespected.

 

Thinking back to the last time a guy took me out for a nice romantic dinner. Guess it was the summer of 1998....though what did that mean, the bastard ending up leaving me to pay for my own $5300 engagement ring (after he moved out on me, 3 weeks before Christmas of that year).

 

I am sick and tired of my married friends and relatives going on and on and on about their husbands, their precious little children, how they look forward to family vacations, how little Sally is such a joy. I could puke. Do they really think I get some kind of enjoyment out of listening to all this bulls***? Is that all supposed to make me feel better about the fact that I'm 34, single, no boyfriend, no husband, no hope for future children....? Are they just stupid or selfish or narcissistic or dense or arrogant or insensitive or what? One of my old best friends from high school lives here. Hadn't seen her in years. She grew up in a family where parents were multi-millionaires. This gal grew up spoiled rotten. Then married a rich guy. She's never had to work a day in her life. Never had to worry about money. Never had to live in a rental house. Always had the best. So she calls me up, asks if I want to come over for dinner some night....how she can't wait to "show off her kids" (7 yr old boy and 8 month old baby girl). Yeah, like I want to sit there, fighting back the tears while I see where she is in life, and realize where I am in life.....then leave there bawling because I'll never know the love between a mother and child. All she could talk about on the phone was her kids. Do these a**h***s not for one minute consider that I might just be sensitive to this whole issue? Do any of these people think for one minute what it must be like to be alone all the time? To have nobody to love?..nobody who loves you? I give up on meeting someone through the Internet Personals. I am convinced that 99% of them are all social rejects, perverts, liars, game players, cheapskates, losers. I don't have the time, energy or desire to try and wade through them all just to get to that rare 1% that might be normal. Have you even LOOKED at the pictures of these guys? Most of them look like something off of America's Most Wanted...that or else something from a Psych Ward. I'm discouraged. I'm pissed off. I'm becoming bitter. I start to wonder if I'm going to be an old maid. I love being independent, I am happy that I'm the strong person I've grown to be....but sometimes it would be so nice to have a helping hand.....like if I'm feeling sick, someone to pour me a glass of juice..or do the dishes for me......or take the garbage out...or shovel the driveway in the winter......or call me in the afternoon and ask "is there anything I can pick up for you on the way home?" I live in quite a "to do" neighborhood. Do I ever see any of the women out there doing yardwork? Of course not. They're spoiled rotten, I guess. There I am, with a back injury, busting my ass and doing the best I can. (I can't afford to hire anyone). I'm tired of listening to my sister bitch about a little fight she had with her millionaire husband........christ, in my past marriage, I had the crap smacked out of me on a weekly basis. Sorry sis, but I have no sympathy for the odd little disagreement over what color to paint the guest room or which restaurant you and hubby will go to on Friday night. Sorry folks, this is disjointed and stupid...I just needed to get it all out. Nobody I know in real life would understand. They all have their nice little homes, their husbands, their children, their dreams for the future. Personally, I think life fricken sucks the big one. L

[Daisy]

I'm sorry for going off on you like that Laurynn. You're right. I don't know much about you. I guess that can be a great disadvantage to these forums, because I'm only capable of responding based on the information I have at hand. And that's what I did. Many of the things I said are things I stand by ... but in this case, once I learned more, I realize that they don't necessarily apply to you. I'm sorry.

 

I could tell by your original post that you're a strong woman. But, as you could tell, I took it the other way ... a strong woman with a stick up her butt. Not a strong woman just venting her frustrations. I understand where you're coming from now. Everyone has frustrations with life.

 

I'm an honest person when it comes to giving opinions. Actually, maybe blunt is a better word. I guess that's something I should work on. Along with various other things.

 

One more thing before I go. Have you ever considered adpoting a child? I know you talked about how much it hurts you that you can never have children now, due to the fact that you're too old and you don't want to risk it. Adopting a child might give the same opportunity. Of course I realize that there are many factors that play into a decision like that ... but I just thought I'd throw it out there.

[quankanne]

sorry to hear that you've had it pretty crappy, but there is something you can do about what goes on in your life right now -- either be part of the solution or stay part of the problem. You can look at your blessings (you were strong enough to get out of an abusive relationship, you are capable of standing on your own two feet when many others can't or won't) once you've decided you're done being angry at everyone and everything, or you can continue to wallow in your bad attitude. Personally, I hope you chose the former .

 

Grass always looks greener on the other side. The trick is to start taking care of your own lawn and grooming it to look and be what you want it to be.

 

Your friends aren't being insensitive to your needs -- they're just sharing their life with you, and that means sharing their kids with you. You dont' have babies of your own? What's there to stop you from loving all those little kids in your life? Once you realize that the capacity to share love is the greatest thing you've got to offer, it suddenly doesn't matter if that love is going to a friend's child or one of your own. This is something I've had to understand myself after nine years in a childless marriage.

 

Try looking into group counseling for anger -- not trying to be disrespectful here -- once you figure out why this anger is so deepset, you 'll have tools to help dismantle it.

[Laurynn]

So because I come here once a year to "vent" my frustrations (like the majority here do from time to time, some even week to week), that suddenly puts me in the category of having an anger problem, wallowing in self pity and being selfish? Give me a break.

 

I'm not angry, just disappointed.

 

As for suggesting that I go out and start loving my friend's kids, give me a break. Someone else's kid(s) is just not the same. Due to my profession, I've helped women during labor and delivery.....I've seen the love and joy in their eyes when they are handed their baby for the first time. There's nothing that can compare to that.

 

For you to subtly imply that I should stop being such a pathetic whiner and just make do, share my love with other's kids......that's the biggest pile of crap I've ever heard. Obviously if you've been in a childless marriage for 9 yrs, you have no idea about my desire to have a family. Surely if you wanted kids the way I do, you and your husband could have adopted, if nothing else. So you really aren't in the same frame of mind as I am.

 

You're just another one of those married people who has the nerve to look your down your nose at us lonely single people..and have all these easy solutions for us...yours is for me to get into counselling for my anger. What a crock. You're married....chances are, you don't have to go to bed alone each night.....chances are you don't have to be afraid at night when you hear a noise because you have a husband there beside you, to protect you.....chances are you don't have to eat every ##### meal alone....chances are you have someone to help around the house.....chances are when you're sick and in pain, you have someone who loves you who's there to help......chances are you don't have to worry from month to month how you're going to pay the bills......you don't have to endure blind dates, dates with losers, dates with perverts, dates with crazy people, dates with creeps........chances are, you've been out to dinner with someone who really loves you within the past 2 yrs.

 

I get really tired of these sanctimonious wankers who give single people like myself this, "if life hands you lemons, make lemonade" speech. Save it.

 

I don't go around moping all the time, in fact, other than my recent post here, nobody close to me (family or friends) knows how frustrated and discouraged I am. I still always try to have a smile on my face and hope for the future.

 

Next time I'll think twice about sharing my innermost thoughts on a place like this.......too many judgmental f***sticks for my liking. (oh yeah, guess that's my rage and intense anger being expressed...pfffft)

 

L

[Laurynn]

Yes, I have thought about adoption..but it's not something I could do "by myself" (for many reasons..financially, physically, realistically).....when I'm done school, I have many debts to pay off, and I'll have to work more than full time hours for some time to come, in order to make the money I need to have a decent living..no way I could afford a child, day care, the cost of raising a child, etc etc. And most importantly, I don't want to be a parent by myself. I've done enough in my life on my own.....I think raising a child is one of the most important and toughest things a person can do.....I don't think it's right to venture into that on your own. Maybe for some women, not for me.

 

As for the idea of finding a guy who'd be interested in adopting one day..doubtful. Most men I've dated/met over the past few years.......if they want children at all, they want their OWN children, not to adopt one. I can understand it, too....why would a guy want to adopt when he can find a woman who can have HIS child?

 

As for dating a guy who already has children from another marriage, yuck. Been there, done that, not going there again. Too much baggage, too much crap with the ex, too many problems trying to fit into an 'already existing family'.....the headaches of having to deal with kids who "already have a Mom" and don't take to a step-Mom very well, are used to being disciplined one way, ...ahh, who needs it. I gave two relationships with men who had children my best shot, twice.....it was just more trouble than it was worth.

 

L

[Tony T]

I don't think it's necessary for you to defend yourself here and I NEVER think it's necessary for anyone to defend their feelings anywhere. Your feelings and your feelings.

 

Just because a few people who know nothing at all about you and may have never seen your name here write some crap based upon their very limited knowledge of you, your background and your current situation is certainly not grounds for ceasing to post your rants here.

 

With your Internet forum experience, I would think by now you would know what sort of things to expect from a post like this. But I would also think a person of your educational background couldn't possibly care less about those opinions, especially coming from nicknames of people you have never known or seen and who you will never know or see and who have never been in your shoes.

[BeenThere]

You know Laurynn, and I don't mean to make light of your situation, but I've been where you are. I know several women who've been where you are. And it seems just when you've given up on men...and the idea of being in a relationship...when you've gotten comfortable with the idea of being alone...when you've gotton your sh** together and are becoming strong and independant...that's just when one walks into your life and blows you away.

 

Of course, in your case...he better tip toe!

Maybe it's the fact that we've had at least 3 staight weeks of scorching heat here, and my house is 90 degrees inside every day (which makes me tired and bitchy)...or maybe it's just life in general....but I just need to vent. My last serious, long-term relationship was 2 yrs ago...and that guy was a lying, cheap, penniless, alcoholic, insecure, controlling, selfish deadbeat. The guy before that, pretty darn close. I've never had a truly good, loving, mutually respectful relationship...not in all my years of dating (including an abusive JOKE of a marriage). I am now extremely cynical about men and love.

 

I'm 34 and single and although I've always wanted to have a child or two (while married), that is just not in the cards because I am too old...and if I'm fortunate enough to find a decent guy and marry him, we're lookin' at another 2 yrs. I'll be 36 then. I'm not comfortable having a child at that age (health risks to baby). This pisses me off. The men I've dated in the past have all let me down. I couldn't count on any of them. They've lead me to the realization that it's not possible for them to pull their weight in a relationship. Every guy I've dated/married/lived with...USELESS. Thanks to me, they had a nice, clean home to live in...laundry always done, groceries always bought, bills paid on time, great meals, fresh sheets, yardwork done, etc etc. They always promised to "do their fair share" in the beginning, but the novelty of that wore off very quickly and I was left doing everything. Men have it made in the shade. They are, for the most part, useless. It's the woman who busts her ass to make a nice home for them both. I've been down that road far too many times, won't go there again. Though I'm very independent and self reliant, I'm tired of being alone sometimes. I'm tired of spending the weekends alone. The evenings alone......but do I really want a useless man who puts on an act to get you to fall in love with him...sucker you in, then after a couple months his true colors emerge? Do I really have the energy or heart to go through all that bulls*** again? I don't think so. I am so cynical. I watch that show on TV, "The Wedding Story"....it shows couples a couple days before their wedding, the day of the wedding....and I nearly gag when I listen to them. They talk about how they'll be together forever, how they're a 'team', how they're soulmates, bla bla...and I don't know whether to laugh or yell at the TV, "you are both very disillusioned!" Of course things start out great in a marriage......nobody PLANS on getting divorced...nobody PLANS on getting cheated on or beaten up or manipulated or disrespected.

 

Thinking back to the last time a guy took me out for a nice romantic dinner. Guess it was the summer of 1998....though what did that mean, the bastard ending up leaving me to pay for my own $5300 engagement ring (after he moved out on me, 3 weeks before Christmas of that year).

 

I am sick and tired of my married friends and relatives going on and on and on about their husbands, their precious little children, how they look forward to family vacations, how little Sally is such a joy. I could puke. Do they really think I get some kind of enjoyment out of listening to all this bulls***? Is that all supposed to make me feel better about the fact that I'm 34, single, no boyfriend, no husband, no hope for future children....? Are they just stupid or selfish or narcissistic or dense or arrogant or insensitive or what? One of my old best friends from high school lives here. Hadn't seen her in years. She grew up in a family where parents were multi-millionaires. This gal grew up spoiled rotten. Then married a rich guy. She's never had to work a day in her life. Never had to worry about money. Never had to live in a rental house. Always had the best. So she calls me up, asks if I want to come over for dinner some night....how she can't wait to "show off her kids" (7 yr old boy and 8 month old baby girl). Yeah, like I want to sit there, fighting back the tears while I see where she is in life, and realize where I am in life.....then leave there bawling because I'll never know the love between a mother and child. All she could talk about on the phone was her kids. Do these a**h***s not for one minute consider that I might just be sensitive to this whole issue? Do any of these people think for one minute what it must be like to be alone all the time? To have nobody to love?..nobody who loves you? I give up on meeting someone through the Internet Personals. I am convinced that 99% of them are all social rejects, perverts, liars, game players, cheapskates, losers. I don't have the time, energy or desire to try and wade through them all just to get to that rare 1% that might be normal. Have you even LOOKED at the pictures of these guys? Most of them look like something off of America's Most Wanted...that or else something from a Psych Ward. I'm discouraged. I'm pissed off. I'm becoming bitter. I start to wonder if I'm going to be an old maid. I love being independent, I am happy that I'm the strong person I've grown to be....but sometimes it would be so nice to have a helping hand.....like if I'm feeling sick, someone to pour me a glass of juice..or do the dishes for me......or take the garbage out...or shovel the driveway in the winter......or call me in the afternoon and ask "is there anything I can pick up for you on the way home?" I live in quite a "to do" neighborhood. Do I ever see any of the women out there doing yardwork? Of course not. They're spoiled rotten, I guess. There I am, with a back injury, busting my ass and doing the best I can. (I can't afford to hire anyone). I'm tired of listening to my sister bitch about a little fight she had with her millionaire husband........christ, in my past marriage, I had the crap smacked out of me on a weekly basis. Sorry sis, but I have no sympathy for the odd little disagreement over what color to paint the guest room or which restaurant you and hubby will go to on Friday night. Sorry folks, this is disjointed and stupid...I just needed to get it all out. Nobody I know in real life would understand. They all have their nice little homes, their husbands, their children, their dreams for the future. Personally, I think life fricken sucks the big one. L

[Ed]

Hi Laurynn,

 

You didn't ask for any advice or comments in your post, so I won't offer any. Besides that, I really don't feel like getting my ass chewed out.

 

I just wanted to say (I'm prepared to duck), I hope you are feeling better today.

 

Ed

[me]

dear laurynn,

 

i stop by every once in a while and read some of the stuff posted, and saw yours. don't know if you remember me...you once gave me advice about one of my "boyfriends" of the very cheap, and lazy variety. anyway, just wanted you to know that you aren't alone. i'm 41...really old...and although i do have kids, they're grown now, i'm still single. sometimes i think it'll be forever single. i understand the dating perils that often go along with being single. my last date, on our first date, drove me back to his house, despite my protests. i had to wrestle with him to keep him off of me, and threaten to report him if he didn't take me home. so, really, i do understand what complete jerks men can be. all i can say is that ya just gotta hold on...remember who you are inside, and try to show that each day to another living being. be true to yourself, always, and honor and respect you for the strength and courage it's taken to get this far. i think god has a plan for all of us, and reasons for the way things turn out. it's not too late for children, and if you're meant to be a mother, either biologically, or through adoption, it will happen. you can't give up now...you've got so much already figured out. you know who the bad-one's are from a mile away, and, you have the sense to avoid them. now, just use that knowledge, with the great sense of self you have, and you'll find him. i know you will.

me

Yes, I have thought about adoption..but it's not something I could do "by myself" (for many reasons..financially, physically, realistically).....when I'm done school, I have many debts to pay off, and I'll have to work more than full time hours for some time to come, in order to make the money I need to have a decent living..no way I could afford a child, day care, the cost of raising a child, etc etc. And most importantly, I don't want to be a parent by myself. I've done enough in my life on my own.....I think raising a child is one of the most important and toughest things a person can do.....I don't think it's right to venture into that on your own. Maybe for some women, not for me. As for the idea of finding a guy who'd be interested in adopting one day..doubtful. Most men I've dated/met over the past few years.......if they want children at all, they want their OWN children, not to adopt one. I can understand it, too....why would a guy want to adopt when he can find a woman who can have HIS child? As for dating a guy who already has children from another marriage, yuck. Been there, done that, not going there again. Too much baggage, too much crap with the ex, too many problems trying to fit into an 'already existing family'.....the headaches of having to deal with kids who "already have a Mom" and don't take to a step-Mom very well, are used to being disciplined one way, ...ahh, who needs it. I gave two relationships with men who had children my best shot, twice.....it was just more trouble than it was worth. L