Mary3 Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 What on line profiles really mean : A few extra pounds = 50 extra pounds over BMI ( Not 5 or 10 pounds ) Just looking for friends right now = I really just want to have uncomplicated sex with you. No baggage please = I have alot of baggage but I am making sure you dont because I am worrying about baggage... The reason I don't have a pic here = I am married , I am fugly as all hell, I dont know how to use a digital camera , I dont want my friends to know I am on here. My friend told me to do this = I have to say my friend told me to do this because I don't want to seem desperate in case you run into me and my friend really didnt tell me to do this... No game players please = I have been played with so much that I am on Prozac and I continue to believe in these online sites so I would appreciate if you wouldnt play any games because I am going to have a nervous breakdown Be Honest please = Most of the girls on here have lied like hell about their weight and have cheated before during and after meeting me so please be honest . If I were really honest with myself I would not keep finding liars everytime I go on a date . Successful professional male = I might or might not be successful at all but if I put that in my profile I will attract gold diggers and even maybe YOU. No flakers please = I have been stood up so many times that I need to put that in here but of course I realize that even more flakers will see this and flake me out even more Lets get to know eachother = Lets just have sex and find out how well it goes I've reached the end of my rope with skanks ,whore, biatches and wonder if there are any nice girls out there ? = This guy is hatin' and if you even give him a chance you will regret it Link to post Share on other sites
BigB Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 lol, it's funny cuz it's true Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary3 Posted February 20, 2006 Author Share Posted February 20, 2006 Thanks B You know its true dat ! Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 LOL! Years ago I used to read the lonely hearts adds in papers, they always made me smile. "Male, Virgo, almost 6' considered muscular, blond, early 30's, runs successful business, own car and house, yacht in the Bahamas and Gite in S. France. Seeks a professional lady for fun and romance" I always interpreted that stuff.... "Male, twit, 5'1", .......by skinny pygmies, mispelled bald, if I were a dog, busking musician, in pieces behind Mums house(But I am in the will), got a poster of a yacht on my bedroom wall, took French 101 flunked but remember the word Gite, female required, pulse optional" My daughter still does this! Must run in the family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary3 Posted February 20, 2006 Author Share Posted February 20, 2006 Its soo true. I wonder what percentage really have a yacht in Bermuda ? 4 homes and one in the south of France ? Well hung and * able * to please ( Me~ thinks 4 inches and some Viagra ) Successful Business ? ( Does that mean licking stamps and selling on Ebay ? Seeks professional lady for romance ? ( Does that mean he wants her to make loads of money because he is going on unemployment as soon as they hook up ? I loved the part you said about a * picture of a yacht on the wall * LOL ! Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Ha maybe we could write the quintessential LS'ers profile? I'll do the male... "Nice guy, considered tall, when not being a doormat. Likes porn, and is popular with the ladies, love to check them out at strip clubs. Enjoys games, like Manipulation Monoploy and Passive/Aggressive Snakes and More Snakes. Incredibly handsome, love to look at my own reflection in the swiming pool. Seeks woman, truthful, scrupulously honest, virgin, millionairess, who owns a Strip Club and loves to give BJ's" So, how about the Ladies version? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary3 Posted February 20, 2006 Author Share Posted February 20, 2006 Bad girl with wild side but good girl when she should be~ seeks a handsome tall male with a thick plumbing device who likes to make love 2 times a day and loves oral !@ lol. Always been curious about what goes on in a Strip Club so looking for male who wants to take me in one...I wont rape your wallet and I wont fake orgasms and I wont tell you "no that didnt hurt having sex for 4 hours honey". I promise not to hog the remote and I dont have fleas . Did I mention I like Oral ? LOL ! ( My ad is likely what I would put if I could ) Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 We should stick them on a dating site somewhere and see what replies we get! Link to post Share on other sites
lostinmyself Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 LOL! It's so funny because it's true. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 No game players please = I have been played with so much that I am on Prozac and I continue to believe in these online sites so I would appreciate if you wouldnt play any games because I am going to have a nervous breakdown Oh crap. You got me Mary3. I'd so feel like putting this on my profile, if I still had one. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Just looking for friends right now = I really just want to have uncomplicated sex with you. what the above should say: Just looking for friends right now = I'm married or dating someone right now, but if you're really really hot I may consider jumping ship.... Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 "Looking for soulmate for cosy nights in..." (Would like fellow Doritos-chomping sloth to dent the other side of my sofa). Link to post Share on other sites
barfool Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 I've been told I'm handsome = my mother told me so Looking for a nice girl = perhaps if I find someone as much of a doormat as me I won't be forced to take two jobs to pay her rent Enjoy nice dinners and long conversations = will let you upsize it at McDonalds before I jump you in the parking lot Want to pamper you = will stroke your hair as I push your head into my lap Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 how about the ones that say they like to take walks on the beach even though there isn't a beach within 1,000 miles of where they live Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 how about the ones that say they like to take walks on the beach even though there isn't a beach within 1,000 miles of where they live They usually do say LONG walks! And sometimes mention the moonlight, just not that it takes six weeks to get to the beach. Assuming the don't hitch a ride on freight train. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Want to pamper you = will stroke your hair as I push your head into my lap :lmao: ... ... Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Okay - I have a female profile ready for submission on Match.com. "I'm a lady who's not afraid to live it to the max. I super-size it to the nth degree and have a fabulous sense of humour as well as a strong spirit of generosity (eg when others call me grossly obese, I simply cackle with careless mirth and spray them with the various items I have been snacking on in the previous 20 seconds). I have this cool, devil-may-care, "I don't need any f***er's validation" approach to life that my friends really appreciate and respect. Prozac has helped me with this...and if you don't believe how little I give a s*** about anything - including the emphasis that shallow, superficial people place on appearances - I'm happy to provide you with a picture of myself sans clothes (did I mention how cultured I am?) Don't get me wrong. I'm not wholly inactive. I like a nice walk along the beach as much as the next person....but the strong levels of radioactivity in my neighbourhood preclude this from being a regular pastime for a number of reasons. Hey. Don't laugh at 7-toed feet until you've walked in their shoes. Enough about me, and more about you. My ideal man would be built along Brad Pitt lines...though I may also give Johnny Depp lookalikes due consideration. You should be active, solvent, well-endowed and in a position not only to pay off my credit card debts but also to provide financial assistance to my 8 siblings and an ailing mother who was bitterly let down years ago by the fisherman (nationality unknown) who sired me. If you'd like to know more, email me on XXXXX . Looking forward to it, baby! PS. You should also be handy with a spade." Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Okay - I have a female profile ready for submission on Match.com. "I'm a lady who's not afraid to live it to the max. I super-size it to the nth degree and have a fabulous sense of humour as well as a strong spirit of generosity (eg when others call me grossly obese, I simply cackle with careless mirth and spray them with the various items I have been snacking on in the previous 20 seconds). I have this cool, devil-may-care, "I don't need any f***er's validation" approach to life that my friends really appreciate and respect. Prozac has helped me with this...and if you don't believe how little I give a s*** about anything - including the emphasis that shallow, superficial people place on appearances - I'm happy to provide you with a picture of myself sans clothes (did I mention how cultured I am?) Don't get me wrong. I'm not wholly inactive. I like a nice walk along the beach as much as the next person....but the strong levels of radioactivity in my neighbourhood preclude this from being a regular pastime for a number of reasons. Hey. Don't laugh at 7-toed feet until you've walked in their shoes. Enough about me, and more about you. My ideal man would be built along Brad Pitt lines...though I may also give Johnny Depp lookalikes due consideration. You should be active, solvent, well-endowed and in a position not only to pay off my credit card debts but also to provide financial assistance to my 8 siblings and an ailing mother who was bitterly let down years ago by the fisherman (nationality unknown) who sired me. If you'd like to know more, email me on XXXXX . Looking forward to it, baby! PS. You should also be handy with a spade." Will you marry me ??? Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Will you marry me ??? Ditch the SUV and I'll consider it Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Ditch the SUV and I'll consider it Buttttttt... what about going to the cabin to have weekend sex in front of the fire ?? Your little compact can't make it up the mountain roads .. Link to post Share on other sites
Brittanyjean06 Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Funny! asdfsjadfklskldfjd message is too short Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Buttttttt... what about going to the cabin to have weekend sex in front of the fire ?? Your little compact can't make it up the mountain roads .. It...... During the snowy period, my little car did indeed get stuck on a hill. I was given a lift my a man in...in....in. I can't bring myself to say it. I travelled in that thing. Gratefully It was warm and roomy. The man had a kind smile.... I was almost seduced to the other side Then the big thaw occurred, and I was back scooting around with elegant smallness. A couple of Clydesdale horses and a wooden wagon will get us up that mountain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary3 Posted February 20, 2006 Author Share Posted February 20, 2006 Likes to sit and home and watch movies = I am too cheap to take you out much so my DVD player and some budweiser will have to do Must have nice feet = I want to lick your feet and suck your toes because I have a serious foot fetish Low Maintenence = I hope you don't cost much to date because I am not paying for expensive dates. Arby's has a great new french dip. I will be in town April 5 thru 9 = I am married and this is my opportunity to have some fun with you behind my wifes back. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 A couple of Clydesdale horses and a wooden wagon will get us up that mountain. Who needs the wagon and 2 horses.... climb on one big steed together. Gallop up the mountain side with him behind you clinging tightly while his breath is in your ear with each stride of the powerful beast beneath you. You both squeeze with your thighs while rocking with each bound of the horse. (thigh high leather riding boots are optional) Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Who needs the wagon and 2 horses.... climb on one big steed together. Gallop up the mountain side with him behind you clinging tightly while his breath is in your ear with each stride of the powerful beast beneath you. You both squeeze with your thighs while rocking with each bound of the horse. (thigh high leather riding boots are optional) I agree with everything except the last bit. Thigh high leather riding boots are essential. Link to post Share on other sites
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