TeaCooler Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 those who break up with someone are not always monsters. you may hurt, but there is always a purpose. so for someone who just got dumped, read this for a perspective from the other side. i am not the devil. i am sorry that you are hurting; that wasn't the point, even though you don't believe that. i didn't end this relationship for fun. I know you didn't see this coming, or pretended not to, but the fact is that we saw our relationship differently. it may even seem as though i left "us" a while ago, and it's true...it took me a long time to get here, to tell you what i thought. i did take the time to consider your feelings. i didn't tell you earlier because i just couldn't. i got to a point where i just couldn't do it anymore. it was simply a matter of acceptance that it was over and knowing there was no way to pretend anymore, that it was unfair to both of us. you probably remember that often i would get angry over nothing; i guess that's how i dealt with my frustration over you not seeing it, that we needed to be apart. i felt like you were trapping me, when really i was trapping myself in your feelings. i needed to do what was right, and if in that process it hurt you, i really am sorry. but sympathy isn't a reason to remain in a relationship. i don't think you would stay in a relationship that wasn't working out for you, and i don't think you should. no one should. it wouldn't have been any better for us to go on in the distant memory of what we were and trying to drag it to where we are. things don't work that way. i wish it was different. that's another reason i waited; i wanted to be sure. i waited for that moment to come that convinced me that we were meant to be with each other. the moment didn't come, and it isn't going to. so while you have all these things in your head about what you did wrong; that's fine, reflect on yourself too. but don't beat yourself up. you're not ugly, you're not stupid; i obviously had reasons for wanting to be with you at one time. keep in mind that our relationship was never perfect. i may be the one who takes the brunt of it now, and i accept that, but i didn't come to this alone. neither of us was infallible; i did things and you did things to arrive at this inevitable conclusion; i just happened to be the first to have had enough of it. please understand my frustration when you repeatedly ask me why i did this. when i tell you it's not working out, you ask why. when i tell you i am simply not in love with you anymore, you ask why. i don't have answers for these things; i don't know why some things happen the way they do. some things just are. breaking up with you doesn't have to mean i cheated on you, or that i met someone else. it doesn't neceassarily mean i find you unattractive, or that i hate you. it doesn't mean i am keeping some deep, dark secret. i did not "play" you. it could mean any of these things or none of them. but don't ask unless you really want to know. seriously. only ask if you can handle it. because honestly, it doesn't matter why; for whatever reason, i don't feel this relationship is working and i want to end it. i do not want to date you anymore. i may say we'll be friends, but we all know that means one person trying to get the other person back, and i don't want that so maybe friends isn't such a good idea. please, really, don't call me everyday, don't find reasons to talk to me or come to my house; i don't hate you but we aren't dating anymore. if i find your stuff, i will make sure you get it; it's not my top priority right now but i am not holding it hostage. you don't have to call me on my birthday, in fact, it might be awkward and ruin my day. i know you're thinking it, and thank you for your kindness. but it's probably best not to use this day as a way of initiating contact with me. i really do wish you luck, i hope you find someone who makes you happy, and who you make happy. i wish the same for me, and it would have nice if it were each other for us, but since it wasn't, we'll both move on and eventually you will realize that a fake relationship wouldn't have felt any more comforting that being broken up with. Link to post Share on other sites
jcmartin86 Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 WEll atleast you're cool with it. That's OK Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 You sound a little disconnected TC.... It's chilly in here .. you Okay ? Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 That was an excellent post, so much resonates with my life and recent decision, thanks Teacooler. I didn't like being told I hated her, I didn't. Link to post Share on other sites
notmakingsense Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Here's a post from LB that I bookmarked about how a dumper feels... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=389498&postcount=6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TeaCooler Posted February 20, 2006 Author Share Posted February 20, 2006 yes, A_C, i'm all right. thanks. i just get a little irked sometimes when i see how bent out of shape dumped people feel about being dumped. i know the situation really sucks, i know it does...but it sucks for both sides and we're not all a-holes trying to ruin someone else's life. i guess it's just tiring to see that people aren't just allowed to be people, it's always one extreme or the other. they're entitled to their feelings, of course, but in turn, so is the other person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TeaCooler Posted February 20, 2006 Author Share Posted February 20, 2006 Here's a post from LB that I bookmarked about how a dumper feels... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=389498&postcount=6 that was a great post. thank you for sharing it. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 but it sucks for both sides Cool.... I've been on the dumpers side before and your right.. it can hurt just as much.. I know in Divorce there are no winners and I guess in all relationship failures the same is true Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 this may work better, TEACOOLEER, if you send this "open letter" to the people you actually dumped vs. posting here on LS for us to read. Although it is superb reading it doesn't do the dumpees much good Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Nice heart felt post TC. I think we all can relate to it, and relate to both sides. Breakups are NEVER easy, especially when there was no 'big' reason why it had to end. Things just happen, feelings change and it isn't anybody's fault. It just is the way it is, so from the dumpee's side, they can't understand that the dumper would rather be alone ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author TeaCooler Posted February 20, 2006 Author Share Posted February 20, 2006 this may work better, TEACOOLEER, if you send this "open letter" to the people you actually dumped vs. posting here on LS for us to read. Although it is superb reading it doesn't do the dumpees much good that wasn't really the point. i'm not big on sending real letters to explain myself...actually, i'm not big on explaining myself full-stop. it was more for people here, since this is where i see it the most. but thank you. truth be told, it was rather cathartic. Link to post Share on other sites
MassiveAtom Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 truth be told, it was rather cathartic. I bet it was! It was cathartic to read! Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 It's chilly in here .. whew, I second that. Now I remember why I left. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TeaCooler Posted February 22, 2006 Author Share Posted February 22, 2006 whew, I second that. Now I remember why I left. and came back for what, exactly? i'm flattered. nice to see you. Link to post Share on other sites
RZA-Man Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 Whether a dumper is a monster really depends on how the person initiated the dumping and if they actually made a good faith effort to fix the relationship. If the dumper broke up with the person over the phone, via e-mail, or by disappearing then the dumper is a monster, pure and simple. One thing I've noticed from reading the posts here in LS, is that the dumper frequently ends the relationship in a callous manner that leaves the dumped person not only feeling bad about being dumped but also insulted. Being the person to end the relationship doesn't make one a monster. We all have the right to be happy. Furthermore being in a relationship where one person's love isn't being reciprocated is just plain wrong. It boils down to how you dump a person. If you dump a person while respecting their feelings and make them feel as good as possible during this trying time then you're not a monster. However, if you're callous a**hole or b*tch in the way you dumped a person then you're a monster. I hope none of you fall into that category Link to post Share on other sites
Author TeaCooler Posted February 22, 2006 Author Share Posted February 22, 2006 Whether a dumper is a monster really depends on how the person initiated the dumping and if they actually made a good faith effort to fix the relationship. If the dumper broke up with the person over the phone, via e-mail, or by disappearing then the dumper is a monster, pure and simple. One thing I've noticed from reading the posts here in LS, is that the dumper frequently ends the relationship in a callous manner that leaves the dumped person not only feeling bad about being dumped but also insulted. Being the person to end the relationship doesn't make one a monster. We all have the right to be happy. Furthermore being in a relationship where one person's love isn't being reciprocated is just plain wrong. It boils down to how you dump a person. If you dump a person while respecting their feelings and make them feel as good as possible during this trying time then you're not a monster. However, if you're callous a**hole or b*tch in the way you dumped a person then you're a monster. I hope none of you fall into that category i still don't think that makes someone a monster. somewhat thoughtless, avoidant perhaps. but everyone has different ways of dealing with things. we all have our breaking points and do what we need to do, how we need to do it. it sucks, but it happens that way sometimes. in many cases, a face-to-face break-up isn't possible, and it doesn't make sense to wait. i've never done it that way however, mine were all conveniently face to face. one almost was over the phone, though, because i thought it was my only option...and if it was, i would have done it. seems like the fact that it's over is what should matter, the way it was done is secondary. by they way, i love your signature. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 With one of my ex's, I was with him for 2 years and for the last 6 months or so I knew I wasnt in love with him. I tried to convince myself that I was, he was everything which I could possibly want and need according to my family and friends (he was good looking, seemingly nice, and rich to add on top of that) but I knew that it just wasn't right. The problem was that he was unusually controlling and he was way too clingy! I started becoming attracted to a friend of mine and from then on I knew it was definetely over. I had to break up with him, but when he figured out that I had feelings for someone else, I couldnt get it into his head that it had been over for alot longer then a month or so. I just oculdnt do that because I didnt really relish telling someone how horrible the are blah blah so I let him think the worse of me because sometimes you cant tell someone everything if it will drive them out of their mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 Unfortunately, as a recent dumpee, this is not helpful. In fact, it just makes you sound arrogant, nasty and that the relationship meant nothing to you. Just one example in the post: Quote: ---------- i didn't end this relationship for fun. I know you didn't see this coming, or pretended not to, but the fact is that we saw our relationship differently. it may even seem as though i left "us" a while ago, and it's true...it took me a long time to get here, to tell you what i thought. i did take the time to consider your feelings. i didn't tell you earlier because i just couldn't. ---------- Why couldn’t you tell me earlier? I hear this a lot from women, it’s all over the forums. Emotionally checking out for some time. You are not alone in this type of thinking and perhaps even men do it or worse. Personally, I think it is cowardly and disrespectful. It’s fine to make plans about the future, talk about marriage and children but it seems impossible for you to confront negative feelings in a relationship and sit down and communicate them to your partner, who may have no clue what’s going on. Then it is too late and broken. The letter is full of this. About waiting and considering to be sure i.e. Bottling up then reacting. It is totally unacceptable in a relationship that has reached some level of commitment. This type of behaviour, which doesn’t seem too uncommon, has destroyed my faith in relationships. I may prefer that you told me you met somebody else. Had to post because all this letter did was make me angry. Not that I’m bitter Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 Unfortunately, as a recent dumpee, this is not helpful. In fact, it just makes you sound arrogant, nasty and that the relationship meant nothing to you. Just one example in the post: Quote: ---------- i didn't end this relationship for fun. I know you didn't see this coming, or pretended not to, but the fact is that we saw our relationship differently. it may even seem as though i left "us" a while ago, and it's true...it took me a long time to get here, to tell you what i thought. i did take the time to consider your feelings. i didn't tell you earlier because i just couldn't. ---------- Why couldn’t you tell me earlier? I hear this a lot from women, it’s all over the forums. Emotionally checking out for some time. You are not alone in this type of thinking and perhaps even men do it or worse. Personally, I think it is cowardly and disrespectful. It’s fine to make plans about the future, talk about marriage and children but it seems impossible for you to confront negative feelings in a relationship and sit down and communicate them to your partner, who may have no clue what’s going on. Then it is too late and broken. The letter is full of this. About waiting and considering to be sure i.e. Bottling up then reacting. It is totally unacceptable in a relationship that has reached some level of commitment. This type of behaviour, which doesn’t seem too uncommon, has destroyed my faith in relationships. I may prefer that you told me you met somebody else. Had to post because all this letter did was make me angry. Not that I’m bitter You make some good points, I would like to pick a different quote... got to a point where i just couldn't do it anymore. it was simply a matter of acceptance that it was over and knowing there was no way to pretend anymore, that it was unfair to both of us. you probably remember that often i would get angry over nothing; i guess that's how i dealt with my frustration over you not seeing it, that we needed to be apart. i felt like you were trapping me, when really i was trapping myself in your feelings. i needed to do what was right, and if in that process it hurt you, i really am sorry. but sympathy isn't a reason to remain in a relationship. i don't think you would stay in a relationship that wasn't working out for you, and i don't think you should. no one should. it wouldn't have been any better for us to go on in the distant memory of what we were and trying to drag it to where we are. things don't work that way. i wish it was different. that's another reason i waited; i wanted to be sure. i waited for that moment to come that convinced me that we were meant to be with each other. the moment didn't come, and it isn't going to. My interpretation of this from my experiences as a dumper is this.... "I talked to you about what was going wrong and you did nothing, just let it continue, the responsiblitiy for a relationship is shared equally. I listened to what you had to say, you said you were happy. Of course you were, you didn't have to actually do anything it was all on your terms. The things that were not right for me were never dealt with, even after exhaustive talking.... etc" Link to post Share on other sites
TravelLight Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 Wita, I thought I would put a face to my rant (it was me as Guest above). Every relationship dynamic is different so it's difficult to judge. Life is interesting to say the least You talked to the person about what was going on. Did it come with ultimatiums? Suggestions on how to put it right? This is different from being a silent observer to a pending crisis, one that you are just going to walk away from when you're ready. Relationships should be about cooperation, a team effort, communication. We will all experience tough times in our lives, together or alone. To retrospectively hear these words in the letter is not helpful. It causes frustration because at some point we were not party to a fundamental change in feelings that we feel, if we'd known, we could have made efforts to put right. TravelLight Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 Wita, You talked to the person about what was going on. Did it come with ultimatiums? Suggestions on how to put it right? This is different from being a silent observer to a pending crisis, one that you are just going to walk away from when you're ready. Relationships should be about cooperation, a team effort, communication. We will all experience tough times in our lives, together or alone. To retrospectively hear these words in the letter is not helpful. It causes frustration because at some point we were not party to a fundamental change in feelings that we feel, if we'd known, we could have made efforts to put right. TravelLight No ultimatums. I simply explained how I felt about certain things, how they made me feel. I did make suggestions also. We talked for hours over many months, but nothing, and I mean nothing actually changed. I would never be described as a silent observer, , ever. I expalined, she listened, and actually agreed that she would feel the same way and would not accept the same from me, so I pulled the plug. And she blamed me! I agree simply watching a train wreck happen and doing nothing about it is tantamount to negligence, at least. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TeaCooler Posted February 22, 2006 Author Share Posted February 22, 2006 Every relationship dynamic is different so it's difficult to judge. Life is interesting to say the least exactly. i didn't break up with you, so don't take it so personally. it was meant as a general thing, but obviously i can only speak of what i know from my own experience. You talked to the person about what was going on. Did it come with ultimatiums? Suggestions on how to put it right? This is different from being a silent observer to a pending crisis, one that you are just going to walk away from when you're ready. Relationships should be about cooperation, a team effort, communication. We will all experience tough times in our lives, together or alone. To retrospectively hear these words in the letter is not helpful. It causes frustration because at some point we were not party to a fundamental change in feelings that we feel, if we'd known, we could have made efforts to put right. please know in advance that i am not picking on you. i am sorry for your pain. i understand your point. which is why said what i said in my post. if you read carefully, the answers should be there (from me, obviously i can't speak for witabix.) i think you kind of missed some things maybe. i find it troubling that it makes you angry. it shouldn't. it's truthful, it's honest. this is a lot less about why the break-up has occurred. it's about that it did occur in the first place. whether it could have been fixed or not, one person was done. and when you're just done, there is no fixing it. no one is denying the hurt feelings of a person who is broken up with. but people who do the breaking up have feelings that should also not be discounted. you can't be repsonsible for someone else's happiness at the expense of your own all the time. and yes, there certainly is an element of frustration in the words of my first post--because it IS frustrating to be called out on someone else's pain when you had no other choice but to separate. you can't take away someone's right to how they feel--and that goes for both sides. i was just voicing mine. it's the same concept as when a person who is dumped starts a post on their evil ex. this is just the opposite. and both have merit. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 LOL TeaCooler didn't like the guy. It's not something that you can change, or discuss with the other person to improve things. Conclusion: Don't get involved with people you don't like, make sure it feels right in your heart because if it doesn't it'll only feel worse later on. Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
Author TeaCooler Posted February 22, 2006 Author Share Posted February 22, 2006 LOL TeaCooler didn't like the guy. It's not something that you can change, or discuss with the other person to improve things. Conclusion: Don't get involved with people you don't like, make sure it feels right in your heart because if it doesn't it'll only feel worse later on. Ariadne okay, nice summary. especially the part in bold. just one thing to clear up...you're right, i don't like the guy(s) anymore ("like" in the sense of being with them)...because ending a relationship doesn't necessarily mean there wasn't ever a time when you wanted to be with the other person. but you're still right about that, you shouldn't get involved with people you have little to no interest in (though i don't see why anyone would)...and you shouldn't stay with someone when you no longer have feelings at all. great name, btw. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 Hey, Nice talking to you And thanks. ...you're right, i don't like the guy(s) anymore ... but you're still right about that, you shouldn't get involved with people you have little to no interest in Yes, I don't even believe in the "anymore" part myself, either. Most likely you never really liked the guy but you just wanted to. Not fair to either party. Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
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