Admitting Past Cheating to New Person

[barfool]

If you did cheat in the past, whether it was once or more often, when do you tell the new person you are seeing?

 

I don't abide by the "once a cheater always a cheater" mentality, and it seems so detrimental to talk about cheating early in getting to know someone when they don't know a lot about you yet.

[witabix]

Thats a really hard one BF.

 

I always advocate honesty. I would say that telling about it early on may give the other person time to see if you still exhibit that kind of behaviour.

 

It may of course just make them run away.

 

I think its different if you are asked an outright question. I wouldn't have a problem with a girl not telling me something I had never asked about.

 

However if I found out that it had occured from someone else I would probably be a little 'something', don't know the right word for it really, a mixture of unease/worry. Would cause me to take a closer look at what had happened between us up to that point.

 

If she had told me herself and given a little background I would have been in a better position to take it into account.

 

I know for me it would be a bit of an issue, but not a killer. It would probably colour my perception for a little while.

 

If her behaviour gave me no cause for concern then I would not be concerned.

 

I agree that it is not the case once/always. If she had cheated on every bf that would be a red flag that stopped the race.

[blind_otter]

Ok, am I missing something? Where is it written that you have to disclose everything that every happened in your past to a potential mate? Because I have a lot of s*** in my past, upon the advice of therapists, I've forgone that sharing part for many things because it seems unnecessary in the face of a new relationship.

[witabix]

Ok, am I missing something? Where is it written that you have to disclose everything that every happened in your past to a potential mate? Because I have a lot of s*** in my past, upon the advice of therapists, I've forgone that sharing part for many things because it seems unnecessary in the face of a new relationship.

 

And that is certainly another, and equally valid, view. I most certainly understand it and respect it, now anyway.

[TUDOR]

I agree with Otter on this one. It is one thing to be honest when asked a specific question but there is no reason you have to disclose every little dirty short coming from you past.

[blind_otter]

When I was 7 I used to like to walk around in flip flops crushing centipedes after it rained. Very cruel. Not necessary to disclose to anyone.

[TUDOR]

Everyone has a past some more colorful than others. Our pasts have helped to makes us who we are today because it was our trial and error. We learned either what not to do or what to do. Disclosing your past no matter how much or how small is up to you. But if you think disclosing something bad, even though it has a made you a better person, causes problems then why share it?

[witabix]

Yep TUDOR and Blind, I agree.

 

What if someone asks a specific question though?

 

Like have you ever had an affair? Do you lie and say no, or change the subject, obfuscate, tell the truth. I would hate to lie outright about something.

 

I have stuff in my past that fit your description of 'mistakes that made me a better person because I have learned from it'. How do you handle it?

 

I expect me to be honest first and foremost....

[TUDOR]

Honesty is a double edge sword at times. While it can set you free in a lot of cases it can also set you back in others. I think each case is unique and therefore each person will have to determine on their own what diclosing things from their past will mean for them. I'm all for honesty but somethings are better left in the past.

[blind_otter]

Yep TUDOR and Blind, I agree.

 

What if someone asks a specific question though?

 

Like have you ever had an affair? Do you lie and say no, or change the subject, obfuscate, tell the truth. I would hate to lie outright about something.

 

I have stuff in my past that fit your description of 'mistakes that made me a better person because I have learned from it'. How do you handle it?

 

I expect me to be honest first and foremost....

 

 

I say, well why do you want to know? Is this just to torture yourself, or give you ammo against me? TO what purpose does this questioning serve?

 

Usually I try to discover the reason they would want to know something potentially painful to them.

 

Like, I've had lovers who wanted to know exactly HOW I was assaulted when I was raped. (a) that is too painful for me to go over casually, (b) there's nothing to change it now, © it would only serve to enrage my present lover. So I try to discover why they want to know and try to explore that insecurity.

[witabix]

Thanks. Points taken.

[Cecelius]

If a woman has cheated in the past, but tells me about it, I will question her suitibility, but would be okay with dating her in light of it all other things being equal.

 

If she's cheated in the past and doesn't tell me about it, if I find out, she is gone.

 

I wouldn't "use" such information as "ammo" -- it is merely part of getting to know whether someone is good enough to go out with (just as she no doubt has all kinds of qualifications and requirements that I must live up to). If I don't care for what I hear, then there's no point in dating anyway. The party that keeps it hidden is just fooling themselves -- what is the point of that?

[alphamale]

If you did cheat in the past, whether it was once or more often, when do you tell the new person you are seeing?

If they asked me withing the first 6 months of dating I'd say that is my business. If they asked me after the first 6 months of dating I'd still say that it is my business. If they asked me after we were married then I'd tell them.

[blind_otter]

If a woman has cheated in the past, but tells me about it, I will question her suitibility, but would be okay with dating her in light of it all other things being equal.

 

If she's cheated in the past and doesn't tell me about it, if I find out, she is gone.

 

I wouldn't "use" such information as "ammo" -- it is merely part of getting to know whether someone is good enough to go out with (just as she no doubt has all kinds of qualifications and requirements that I must live up to). If I don't care for what I hear, then there's no point in dating anyway. The party that keeps it hidden is just fooling themselves -- what is the point of that?

 

Your assumption is that cheating is some kind of regulated behavior that has norms and boundaries, and that past behaviors in this area are somehow useful in predicting future behavior.

 

IMO anything I did in previous relationships that is as complicated as that has no bearing on the current one. Why would it? Please do explain, since your impulse goes directly against the advising of more than one therapist, for me.

[Cecelius]

Your assumption is that cheating is some kind of regulated behavior that has norms and boundaries, and that past behaviors in this area are somehow useful in predicting future behavior.

 

IMO anything I did in previous relationships that is as complicated as that has no bearing on the current one. Why would it? Please do explain, since your impulse goes directly against the advising of more than one therapist, for me.

 

I guess you are right -- I do assume that cheating has norms and boundries, just like I look for someone who has similar norms and boundries as I do. As to past behavior predicting future behavior, I've got nothing to say on that -- if I am dumb enough to date someone who's cheated on every b/f in the past, I will not really be in a good position to complain when it happens to me -- if you lie down with dogs...

 

I've cheated in the past when I was a kid and like to think I've improved since then -- other people can too. But if its a significant event that was kept under wraps, I'm not going to trust her when/if it comes to light.

 

Frankly, I assume that your therapists are looking out for you, which is their job. I am looking out for me. Given that there are many women/people in the world to date, one who has cheated [materially] in the past and failed to disclose it is too significant a risk to be bothered with compared to one who has not cheated, etc.

 

Lastly, if the point is that she cheated b/c the b/f was a jerk and she was dumping him 2 days later, that's not nearly as bad as banging a "friend" and not telling your fiance about it. It is that kind of differentiation I am making.

[reservoirdog1]

I think direct questions should be answered honestly, or at least not lied about (i.e. don't answer "no" when the answer is "yes").

 

BlindOtter's responses are appropriate, as long as the person giving them is motivated by honesty and actually has changed their behaviour.

 

Other than that, I don't think anybody has to give a resume of their past sexual conduct, except their STD status.

[barfool]

I do agree with answering direct questions honestly. What if, though, the question is not very direct. Like "why did you break up with your bf?" when the answer is that you cheated. Yes, there are a lot of issues that drove you to cheat, and those are the things that I name, not the actual act itself.

[alphamale]

I do agree with answering direct questions honestly.

my mom (who was quite wise and pragmatic) always said you should keep your past indiscretions to yourself. In other words don't tell new people you meet the negative aspects of yourself or bad things you did. For example, telling your kids that you did drugs growing up will just give them the OK to experiment themselves. Telling a new lover that you cheated in the past will only have negative consequences. Keep it to yourself and just don't cheat again. Some skeletons need to be left in the closet.

[blind_otter]

Word. Sometimes you need to remember to tell the truth, but no one enjoys diarrhea of the mouth.

[Blind Illusion]

Probably not. Guess it depends though. If I did, would I also reveal how in the relationship before that, I wouldn't even hang out casually with friends and men that were met on vacation because I knew I would feel bad.

 

If cheating is a symptom of a long unresloved problem in a relationship, then the reality will change from relationship to relationship. That's not what you asked, though. It's just that some people will automatically think that it's something you would do again and that's not necessarily so.

[Sal Paradise]

Waiting to tell them is dishonest. The only reason to wait is so that they will be less likely to break up with you over the disclosure because they're more emotionally involved. So in essence what you're doing is emotionally manipulating them.

 

Honestly is ALWAYS the best policy. Tell this person the truth and let the chips fall where they may. If the person who cheated truly has learned from their mistake then they would not hesitate to reveal the truth.

[Cecelius]

If cheating is a symptom of a long unresloved problem in a relationship, then the reality will change from relationship to relationship. That's not what you asked, though. It's just that some people will automatically think that it's something you would do again and that's not necessarily so.

 

This is the difference in approach -- I tend to believe that cheating in a relationship is evidence of an underlying problem in the cheater, usually, in my experience, a weakness of character. Someone I want to date is someone who just breaks up with a guy if he's no good, largely because in MOST of the cheating stories I've heard the dude who was cheated on was merely not interested in getting married, or wasn't as much in love with her as she was with him, etc. -- it makes the cheater look weak and needy.

 

And there is nothing you can do to satisfy someone who is weak and needy. And nothing you can do without supplicating her to keep her from cheating.

[loveheart59]

Well my ex boyfriend told me he had never cheated and he launched into this story about how one of his exes did it to him and how pathetic her excuses were. Anyways I believed him and I let him have the whole of me (emotionally because I trusted him). Eventually he slept with some other girls. The situation wasnt as clear cut as that but its too long to explain... When we had "the confession" he told me he had cheated on all of his serious girlfriends at some point and had a problem with saying no to persistant girls. When I asked him why he lied to me when I asked him about it in the start he said "Because I knew I wouldnt have gotten this far with you... "

Anyways we are ok with each other and hes one of the best friends I ever had, after that happened he was a lot more honest and open and we became closer as friends. But still I think if someone has a problem with cheating and commitment they should say SOMETHING, before you open your heart and trust them fully. Tha s**t hurts:( , when someone purposely decieves you for their own gain it is awful.

[Sassy]

You can't build a relationship on being dishonest. Honesty is the best policy ,and if you have ever cheated you need to tell the person otherwise finding out from someone else ,could make it worst on you. If i am lied to it makes me hard to trust someone .We all have pasts and we can't change it. Just be honest and things will go more smoothly.