MazzyStar Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Through 10 years of marriage, my husband always seems to do something about every 2 years to really hurt me. (seeing other women, running up phone bills w/ 900 numbers, having sex online, subscriptions to porno mags, paying $ for cable porno, going to strip clubs and getting "oiled down", and the latest, involvement with a coworker.) It seems just as I am begining to trust him again, he does something to f**ck it all up. This time he has been communicating outside of work with a Married female coworker. They talked for about 4 months, sometimes up to 3 times a day. I of course found out, and has since told him he had to stop or I was gone. Now, healing, I sit and wonder if I should have an affair. Will it make up for what he has done to me over the years? I feel stupid. I have been nothing but a faithful wife for so long, and this is how he repays me? He said he has never cheated on me, just kissed another woman. I dont believe him. I get mad because I have been so faithful! Am I stupid for taking his crap all these years, getting hurt again and again, or has what he has done not so bad? I am so confused. I think if I cheat, I will think the score is even, and we can get on with our marriage. Stupid thought? Boy, he has really messed me up! Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Well, he has been wrong yes, but if you do wrong, you're just as wrong as he is. Regardless. What you need to do it get out of the marriage. He's obviously a serial cheater and has no plans of stopping. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Will it make up for what he has done to me over the years? NO! Two wrongs do not make a right. Don't stoop to his level. If he wants to be with other women, and not work on the marriage then end it and get a divorce. Cheating on him will only up the anti. You'll cheat, then he'll cheat -Kinda like War of the Roses... If you love him and want to work this out, then go to marriage counselling together. If you are fed up with his crap and don't love him anymore, do the right logical thing and divorce. Don't stay together because you both are scared to move on. Somehow you'll manage on your own, just as he will. What he has done IS BAD. Don't downplay it and turn it into nothing! He crossed the line so many times and broke his vows to YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 why sink to the level of an obvious butt-head like your husband? You're a much classier person than that, trust me on this. Get lined up to see a counsellor – marriage or personal – to help give you the tools you need to work through this, even if it means terminating the marriage because of irreconcilable differences. I don't normally advocate divorce, but then again, why should someone be stuck in a marriage where their partner has no intention of keeping it a marriage or has screwy ideas of what it means to be loyal to that relationship? besides, an affair is just a simple answer to a complex problem, it's not going to solve anything, really. If you're not careful, there's also the chance of you contracting a sexually transmitted disease :sick: :sick: Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 "Two wrongs do not make a right.". True and correct. You'll only add up to the mess. Link to post Share on other sites
No Stress Lady Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Well, he has been wrong yes, but if you do wrong, you're just as wrong as he is. Regardless. What you need to do it get out of the marriage. He's obviously a serial cheater and has no plans of stopping. I agree - you're putting up with way too much crap from this guy - he clearly has no respect for your feelings and he's clearly not going to change. You've got to ask yourself if you really want to see yourself even a year down the line being let down yet again. You're worth more than this. Cheating will just make you feel even worse - and seriously, if you're just doing it to "get back" at him you'd be better off by walking away with your self respect intact. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 One of the nice things about staying to the high road and true to yourself and your values is that you can, forever after, look back and honestly say, "No regrets!" There's also something to be said for being able to look yourself in the face in a mirror without flinching. Link to post Share on other sites
THX2000 Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Through 10 years of marriage, my husband always seems to do something about every 2 years to really hurt me. (seeing other women, running up phone bills w/ 900 numbers, having sex online, subscriptions to porno mags, paying $ for cable porno, going to strip clubs and getting "oiled down", and the latest, involvement with a coworker.) It seems just as I am begining to trust him again, he does something to f**ck it all up. This time he has been communicating outside of work with a Married female coworker. They talked for about 4 months, sometimes up to 3 times a day. I of course found out, and has since told him he had to stop or I was gone. Now, healing, I sit and wonder if I should have an affair. Will it make up for what he has done to me over the years? I feel stupid. I have been nothing but a faithful wife for so long, and this is how he repays me? He said he has never cheated on me, just kissed another woman. I dont believe him. I get mad because I have been so faithful! Am I stupid for taking his crap all these years, getting hurt again and again, or has what he has done not so bad? I am so confused. I think if I cheat, I will think the score is even, and we can get on with our marriage. Stupid thought? Boy, he has really messed me up! Why shouldn't you cheat? Pretty simple - so you can hold your head up and still hold on to some very important things: - your dignity - your self respect - your reputation - your sense of self worth - your morals etc...etc...etc... Cheating on him won't make you feel better in the long run. All it will do is degrade you and drag you down to his level. If this guy treats you this badly then ditch him and get on with your life. Link to post Share on other sites
tweldy Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Just curious, but it sounds like you've run out of ways to deal with this person's failings and are grasping at straws. "Cheating" might change the balance of power in your relationship, but at what cost to your own psyche? Are you trying to keep this together b/c you have children? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MazzyStar Posted February 21, 2006 Author Share Posted February 21, 2006 Wanting to stay together because of children, and also yes, because I love him. He also said he has not had sex with any other women, and I dont know what to believe. I have hounded him for months about admitting to cheating on me, but he says he never has, but if he did he would tell me to get me off his back. He said I found out about his coworker before anything happened. I dont know if I believe him because he lies so much! BUT, I dont know if I want to throw our family away over a kiss or a friendship that was getting too close. Yet, do I believe thats all it was. Some men (like mine) lie, they lie so much that I think they believe them themselves. How the heck can I tell when he is telling me the truth? He says he is commited to me, and wants it to work, which I do too, but I dont want to be the fool again. I honestly feel its not fair. He got to talk to someone else, I didnt. He got to kiss someone else. I want to too.... Link to post Share on other sites
No Stress Lady Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Wanting to stay together because of children, and also yes, because I love him. He also said he has not had sex with any other women, and I dont know what to believe. I have hounded him for months about admitting to cheating on me, but he says he never has, but if he did he would tell me to get me off his back. He said I found out about his coworker before anything happened. I dont know if I believe him because he lies so much! BUT, I dont know if I want to throw our family away over a kiss or a friendship that was getting too close. Yet, do I believe thats all it was. Some men (like mine) lie, they lie so much that I think they believe them themselves. How the heck can I tell when he is telling me the truth? He says he is commited to me, and wants it to work, which I do too, but I dont want to be the fool again. I honestly feel its not fair. He got to talk to someone else, I didnt. He got to kiss someone else. I want to too.... That sounds kind of childish to me!!!! And how is YOU cheating going to help your children? Sounds like they've got enough to deal with already with an idiot father and an unhappy mother *sigh* Link to post Share on other sites
theantibarbie23 Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Seriously, love in and of itself is not reason enough to stay with someone that lies to you and disrespects you. If you cheat on him, well that might make you feel better for a nanosecond, but in the long run it's a waste of time and energy because revenge isn't going to fix the mess you're in besides you may end up feeling bad about yourself for doing it and wrecking your self-esteem to get even isn't worth it. Don't stay for the kids.... the kids is a cop out. God knows I used to pray every single day of my life that my parents would get a divorce. The kids can sense when things go sour in a relationship between two people unless you are both unusally good actors that never let down your guard but who in their right mind wants to live such a rediculous lie? The next step I would take is to contact a lawyer and then tell him he could ethier start owning up to what he's done and get into therepy with you to work on saving your marriage or leave. Don't stay with someone that is making you miserable and treating you like a doormat if they have no intention of trying to change. Link to post Share on other sites
MrsHellFire Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Because not only will you lose respect for yourself, but he will to. And the focus shouldn't be what you DID or are going to do wrong. The focus should be his lousy and weak self. All you are going to do is turn the tables and his defense will be to blame you for everything. The best way to get back at him is to end the marriage and start dating other people who will treat you right. It would probably be best for you anyways. Link to post Share on other sites
MrsHellFire Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 "He said I found out about his coworker before anything happened." So in other words, he admits that something might have happened if you didn't find out in time? Well then who's to say something didn't happen with the last women he was close with? Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Ever tried putting out a fire with a can of petrol? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Ever tried putting out a fire with a can of petrol? Wit, I know you're goin' through it right now. But I just love that british people say "petrol". huggers, otts Link to post Share on other sites
bluetuesday Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Wit, I know you're goin' through it right now. But I just love that british people say "petrol". huggers, otts eek. oh that's not good! b_o, he's irish!! that's like calling a scot english, and you KNOW that ain't good!!! ooh, more !!!s than lilmomma. quick, say something! the delicate balance of the peace agreement could depend on it. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 ooops. my bad. for some reason (haha) everything is viewed through the scottish lens for me. snort. scottish people. feh. Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 British? British? Where, oh no, not again, RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! It s'ok Blind_Otter. I don't go in too much for all that kind of stuff. The British are cool, that was all a long time ago. Still you and bluetuesdays posts made me smile. Trans. American English. "Ever tried putting out a fire with a can of gas?" Or for the more academically inclined... "Have you ever attempted to dampen down a conlfagration with a metallic container of hydro-carbon fuel?" Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Back to the question . . . Why shouldn't you have an affair? To quote another aphorism: Because a person is only as good as her word. When you married you said you would forsake all others, right? So if you have an affair, you lack integrity (word + action = integrity). If you have lost your integrity, you've lost your self-respect. That's a hellish place to be. All that said, again, a person is only as good as his word. Your husband's word is no good. You won't ever be able to trust him. I hope you're having safe sex because it's hard to tell what/who he's been up to. I'd hire a PI or get to snooping, get the proof I needed to know for sure what's fact, and then decide whether or not to see a marriage counselor or a lawyer for a divorce. And I'm a person who sees divorce as a last resort. Link to post Share on other sites
OzGirl Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 You should just leave him. Either that, or stay with him and continue teaching him your threats are empty and continue to feed the monster he created. You'be been loyal this entire time? You sould like a good woman who needs to know - you can do better. There's HEAPS of good men out there who think loyalty is the number one key to a relationship. Put a higher price tag on your own head, see a lawyer, pack your stuff, and tell him you're going. Having an affair won't hurt him - it will justify him. You obviously value loyalty, so don't question that about yourself. It IS valuable. (and yes, I was the OW in an affair. We all learn by our mistakes.... hopefully, they don't have to happen over and over before we do.) Link to post Share on other sites
climbergirl Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 Through 10 years of marriage, my husband always seems to do something about every 2 years to really hurt me. (seeing other women, running up phone bills w/ 900 numbers, having sex online, subscriptions to porno mags, paying $ for cable porno, going to strip clubs and getting "oiled down", and the latest, involvement with a coworker.) It seems just as I am begining to trust him again, he does something to f**ck it all up. This time he has been communicating outside of work with a Married female coworker. They talked for about 4 months, sometimes up to 3 times a day. I of course found out, and has since told him he had to stop or I was gone. Now, healing, I sit and wonder if I should have an affair. Will it make up for what he has done to me over the years? I feel stupid. I have been nothing but a faithful wife for so long, and this is how he repays me? He said he has never cheated on me, just kissed another woman. I dont believe him. I get mad because I have been so faithful! Am I stupid for taking his crap all these years, getting hurt again and again, or has what he has done not so bad? I am so confused. I think if I cheat, I will think the score is even, and we can get on with our marriage. Stupid thought? Boy, he has really messed me up! JC!! Dump the husband...............seriously. If you cheat, he'll probably feel justified in cheating on you more. However, if you decide to stay with him--give him the porn (mag and cable), since that truly isn't a refection of his feelings for you. In fact, when my bf went out of town, I made it a point to buy it for him. No flaming please on latter statement. Link to post Share on other sites
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