Tony, Please read- thanks

[Sad]

Hi,

 

I am going to try my best to put a 5 year saga into a brief message. Here's my best attempt;

 

I am now 21. Boy is 21 as well. We met when we were 16. Got together, etc. Went through most the normal teenage bs with friends, life, our insane selves and so forth. We graduate. He goes away to school, still in state, but about 5 hour away. We arn't officially "together", never really had been. That was always the thing with us- we always went back and forth on and off again. This was him. I always knew what I felt for him, he on the other hand could change his feelings depending on the time of day. No matter if we were together or not, we were always friends and never stopped being friends. This usually lead to us getting back together. For the first two years of college it was on and off like usual. This past year he went away to a different school- this time 4,000 miles away. He started saying he didn't have feelings for me, wanted to try new things, etc. Mind you both of us have never even dated any other people during this time. Turns out this past year was our first year of really being together, official and all. It seemed like finally he was getting his stuff together, commitment issues, etc., and I felt like all my waiting and support and paid off. He comes home this summer from school and that gets us to the present situation.

 

After having the best year of our relationship, he comes home saying it's over. This time he questions us even being friends. I'm leaving out alot of my feelings, suffering, etc., and just trying to get to the point on all this. So now this time it's over. It seems pretty final too- usually I just give it some time and we end up back together, but this time I'm scard it's it. He's leaving for school in a week, and I fear that he's going to try and cut contact. We've remained friends for the summer, although he's been very distant, and hardly a friend. This has been hard for me, since I at least want some sort of friendship. I believe this time he is going to date others, which scares me since it's never happened. He says he knows this isn't right, that this has gone on for too long, and that he does not love me and we need to move on.

 

I love this person more than anything and will and have done anything for him. I want to respect and support his feelings and I am trying my best, although I am scared to death I'm going to lose him this time. I know there really isn't anything I can do, but something tells me there must be something. This isn't something I'm just going to let go of. I understand that he wants to be independent and grow and deal with his own personal issues, and that means that having a girlfriend isn't the best thing. I just worry he'll find someone else says he's saying it is indeed his lack of feelings for me that is the cause for all this. Somehow I still have the strongest feeling that we are meant to be. I think I would know if this is it. He says he doesn't love me, but I just don't understand how it's possible- and I'm not living in denial here. I know we're both at a hard age and are both going through some hard stuff right now, but does that mean he's never going to open to giving us a change again? What can I do here? I want to make this work.

 

Thanks so much for reading......

[midori]

Hi,

 

I've been in a situation very similar to yours. Like any situation, a "happy ending" can't be promised. But you can be wise about how you handle yourself now.

 

He's saying his feelings for you aren't strong enough to warrant a long-distance relationship. He's backing that up by keeping his distance from you and lettting your relationship wither a bit. There is nothing you can do to change his attitude -- except take him at his word.

 

He might be trying to be "smart" about things, recognizing the difficulties inherent in l.d. relationships, realizing that you're both very young and bound to undergo substantial change and growth in the coming years. And those are good points, even if they mean he has to squelch his feelings for you in order to accommodate them. Some people (men primarily?) are able to section off their feelings and act according to other agendas if they choose. At least they think they can do this -- some of them probably can. Whether or not they can do so successfully and happily is for them to discover. Your guy will have to do things his way and then deal with the consequences.

 

He won't have to deal with the consequences if you are clearly waiting for him, doing all you can to keep the connection alive. Giving him that reassurance will allow him to continue denying his feelings for you (since deep down he knows that he hasn't lost you). And there is a very real possibility that this is it, that it is well and truly over between the two of you. In which case it would be silly for you to try to salvage the relationship or to wait for him to come back to you.

 

You can't have a relationship with someone who is determined to pull away from you for whatever reason. I'd bet that he does have strong feelings for you -- but he'll need to realize that before anything could come from it. I know how hard it is to move on with your life, away from someone who you're pretty sure will wake up one day and realize the true depth of his love for you. But if you don't move on you'll be waiting in vain for a long long time. It's one of the ironies of love. It sucks. Just be strong, act with integrity and intelligence, and don't let yourself get caught up in a compromise situation (e.g. an agreement to be "together" but to casually date other people, etc.).

[Tony T]

People go through very major changes during the ages the two of you have been together. A male who goes off to college will go through even more major changes. This is not at all unusual and is to be expected.

 

When people are separated, they grow in different directions, particularly when one of them is in an educational situation with many people, organizations, ideas, etc. to be exposed to. You said in your post you respected him and his decision. So you have to respect the fact that he's growing in another direction and following a different path, for now anyway.

 

It would be wrong of you to sit back, pout, and wait for this guy to come back to you. You need to follow your own bliss. Frankly, sticking by your man...in this case...could stunt your growth as a person. Getting out, meeting new people, having new experiences, is exactly what you need to round yourself out as a complete human being. The guy is doing you a favor. I promise you, if you don't have the opportunity to use these precious years RIGHT NOW for self actualization, to experience the world, you will regret it all your days.

 

You will be far better prepared as a human being to face the challenges of your future as a wife, parent, friend, worker, etc. if you have far more varieties of experiences with people to draw upon for your decisions.

 

Yes, it hurts. It hurts like hell. But there isn't one person who read your post who hasn't felt that pain, at least a few times. I've been there lots and lots of times. But I've done a lot of moving along life's road as well and I've taken lots of chances. I've experienced all kinds of varieties of pain life and love have to dish out.

 

But the hurt will end. A greater happiness will be yours in times coming. To the extent you can let your beloved go to follow his own path and find his own place in life is the extent that some day he could return. But sitting and waiting is not good for either of you.

 

This may be your first big hurt. I am very sorry about that but I also welcome you to the club. If you thought you were going to get through all this unscathed, you were very wrong. But it does get better and you will love and be loved in the end...and love will be all the sweeter next time because of what you are experiencing now.

[Lola]

Love your life and enjoy being single. Find a job you love, Love where you live, accept that you will have down times, Make yourself happy, Set goals (material, emotial and intellectual). Make the most of every second - live every day as if it were your last.

 

If you are solo (sounds like you will be), don't be sorry for yourself. Remember, 90 percent of people end up married. People don't feel sorry for you, so why should you?

 

Stop thinking that all couples have perfect relationships!

 

Make the most of your friends.

 

Ask your happily attached friends to tell you all the bad things about being a couple.

 

Indulge yourself. You don't need someone else to indulge you, do it for yourself.

 

Remeber, single isn't a life-threatening disease!

 

Here are 10 great things about being on your own:

 

1. You don't have to answer to anyone.

 

2. You can walk in the door after a horrible day's work, throw your clothes in a pile, flop down in fornt of the TV in a heap, eat junkfood and not have to worry about anyone changing the channel, just as the show is getting interesting.

 

3. Fat days seem less important. So long as your stomach's flat by Friday night, who cares if you're bloated on Tuesday?

 

4. You can talk on the phone all night about absolutley nothing and lie outrageously about how wonderful Susan looked in her new outfit without someone saying afterward "You told me she looked like a fat cow."

 

5. You can change your mind every five minutes, just for the hell of it.

 

6. You can masturbate and fantasies about the gorgeous construction worker you saw on the way to work, and not feel guilty.

 

7. Everything smells clean and fresh. There are nolingering boy smells (the obvious mixed with grungy socks, all vainly disguised with bad aftershave.)

 

8. You can make your own smells - without feeling "unladylike".

 

9. You don't have to explain why it is essential to own 10 pairs of black shoes.

 

10. You can get drunk and cry over your hated-when-sober ex - without feeling totally silly the next day.

 

All information was taken from the book: "Hot Relationships" by Tracey Cox, I suggest you read it.

[shanti]

Hey!!

 

I don´t post too frequently, but I do come by and visit very often. Tony, you never seize to amaze with your eloquent way of putting things. True, you are often very blunt with people, but the Compassion in you shines through always....

 

Hope that you will continue posting for a good time to come...

People go through very major changes during the ages the two of you have been together. A male who goes off to college will go through even more major changes. This is not at all unusual and is to be expected. When people are separated, they grow in different directions, particularly when one of them is in an educational situation with many people, organizations, ideas, etc. to be exposed to. You said in your post you respected him and his decision. So you have to respect the fact that he's growing in another direction and following a different path, for now anyway. It would be wrong of you to sit back, pout, and wait for this guy to come back to you. You need to follow your own bliss. Frankly, sticking by your man...in this case...could stunt your growth as a person. Getting out, meeting new people, having new experiences, is exactly what you need to round yourself out as a complete human being. The guy is doing you a favor. I promise you, if you don't have the opportunity to use these precious years RIGHT NOW for self actualization, to experience the world, you will regret it all your days. You will be far better prepared as a human being to face the challenges of your future as a wife, parent, friend, worker, etc. if you have far more varieties of experiences with people to draw upon for your decisions. Yes, it hurts. It hurts like hell. But there isn't one person who read your post who hasn't felt that pain, at least a few times. I've been there lots and lots of times. But I've done a lot of moving along life's road as well and I've taken lots of chances. I've experienced all kinds of varieties of pain life and love have to dish out. But the hurt will end. A greater happiness will be yours in times coming. To the extent you can let your beloved go to follow his own path and find his own place in life is the extent that some day he could return. But sitting and waiting is not good for either of you. This may be your first big hurt. I am very sorry about that but I also welcome you to the club. If you thought you were going to get through all this unscathed, you were very wrong. But it does get better and you will love and be loved in the end...and love will be all the sweeter next time because of what you are experiencing now.