Can't get over wife's affair

[Dsancious]

I found out one year ago that my wife cheated on me with her ex. for the first 6 months of our marriage in 2003. We have been to counseling but I continue to obsess over the affair and the limited knowledge that she has provided me. I am taking 2 different antidepressants and several other medicines for different medical problems, all that have appeared in the past two years (I am 47). I cannot achieve an erection anymore, even with Viagra and Cialis. Knowing that her ex. was well-endowed has caused me to feel very inferior and inadequate sexually.

 

We get along quite well these days and she really does treat me well now, but I cannot stop obsessing about the affair and all the lies and the sexual aspect of it. I have basically quit living and am just waiting to die. I think my only hope is to divorce her and find somebody that I can trust. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

[reservoirdog1]

I'm going to be blunt here, buddy. If you don't have kids, divorce her. And if you do have kids, still consider it.

 

I went through something similar. I learned after seven years of marriage that WXW had cheated during the engagement and then started again within weeks of the wedding. As far as I'm concerned, my marriage was stillborn. It never even had a chance. It was formed as something that was already rotten to the core.

 

Forgiving a cheating partner is, I imagine, unbelievably difficult at the best of times. (And I say "I imagine" because I don't have personal experience -- I haven't forgiven WXW and I don't know that I ever will.) But spending the first six months cheating? For christ's sake, the ink wasn't even dry yet.

 

It's true, you're 47. But that means less and less with each passing year. There are tons of people who find love with worthwhile people at your age and older. Ask yourself whether you think you can ever have a happy marriage with that woman. If the answer you arrive at is "most likely, no", then cut your losses.

 

Sorry as hell to find you here. I'll bet the ED problem will go away once you're free of her, too.

[Chump64]

I continue to obsess over the affair and the limited knowledge that she has provided me.

 

 

This caught my eye. You can't heal unless she is 100 percent, brutally honest with you. If you think your marriage is worth saving, she needs to (at least) be completely honest. I'm surprised your counselor hasn't busted her chops, if she is still hiding stuff from you.

 

I just bought a book called "Why should I forgive you?" I haven't read much yet but it does cover some thought-provoking ground. Namely, that inability to forgive can leave you extremely wounded and bitter, and even if you dump her, you may be no better off than if you try to work through things.

 

Anyway, good luck.

[silktricks]

I found out one year ago that my wife cheated on me with her ex. for the first 6 months of our marriage in 2003. We have been to counseling but I continue to obsess over the affair and the limited knowledge that she has provided me.

 

Why on earth did she marry you?

 

If she won't be straight with you, if she won't love you enough to bare her soul in order to help you through this pain, then you need to sit down and have a really good talk with yourself about what you are getting out of this relationship. Sounds like a lot of pain and not much else.

 

I know that's a really flip remark, but not all relationships ARE worth saving.

[Curmudgeon]

I think my only hope is to divorce her and find somebody that I can trust. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

divorce her and, one day, find someone you can trust. No person, spouse or otherwise, is worth being that sick over.

 

By the way, being 47 is a piece of cake. I was 48 when I divorced the ex over infidelity and other issues and I've decidedly landed on my feet.

[cal gal]

I want to inform you that it is possible that your erection problems may stem from the medication you are taking.

 

My sister was telling me a while back that some of the anti depressants would keep her from having an orgasm. Needless to say - she went off of those.

 

It may be worth looking into, as the meds may be affecting your sex life. Don't think that it will return to normal the minute you stop the meds - as it usually takes a few weeks to disperse from your system.

 

Just a thought -

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I am sorry for your pain. Do youself a favor and divorce her now. It is unbelievable that she is screwing her ex behind your back during the first 6 months of your marriage. For God's sake this is your honeymoon period. If she lies, cheats and puts your health at risk for STD's at the beginning of your marriage; then you would have to be masochistic to stay in this marriage. I would like to know why in the hell she married you. If the ex is married, I do hope your contact his spouse or girlfriend. For your new bride to do this to you indicates that you would a be a fool to think she would be faithful to you.

You said she continue to lie to you during this time. One can conclude that she must have gotten off big time knowing she was screwing around on her new husband. Don't waste your life on someone like this. You deserve better.

If you do not respect yourself then who will? Your wife has absolutely no respect for you. If the roles were reversed, do you honestly think she would want to remain married to you?

[tweldy]

In not one unfamiliar to me, though through different circumstances. First, something bad happens (the affair). You can't resolve it (she won't be honest and tell you about the whole thing and work through it with you). So you get depressed. You go to the doctor and they prescribe anti-depressants. They work okay, at first, they abstract you from you emotions just enough to work through things, but the barrier still exists (she won't be honest and tell you about the whole thing and work through it with you). This overcomes the anti-depressant effect so you up your dose or get more. This works for while and you try to work through things, but the barrier still exists (she won't be honest and tell you about the whole thing and work through it with you). This cycle will not end while the barrier exists.

 

Either she needs to really be willing to work through this or you need a divorce. If the problem isn't resolved, it might kill you. Knowing the cycle of depression well, I suspect you've had thoughts of self-harming or suicide, so this is no exageration.

 

Also, if you do decide to divorce you will need a support group or individual conseling at a minimum. I wish you well in whatever path you choose.

[penkitten]

i think if you knew all the details, you would have left long ago.

please consider that you only have a few options:

1. divorce her and get back on your feet. sure its lonely at first, but you will find someone who wont cheat.

2. continue to live like you are now, with all the problems that exist and are not being solved

3. stay married and learn to accept what happened in the past, but not accept it ever to happen again. learn to be happy with her, make a family and let bygones be bygones. forgive everything older than two weeks old.

 

however i would like to say one thing, the affair was not your fault and you did nothing wrong . you were the victim here . she should be the one taking the responsibility of her actions and trying to regain your trust . the affair was a battle of hers, with her emotions and her heart and what she was willing to do. she was the one that was tempted and she needs to be the one dealing with her issues on her own with a therapist, not just the two of you in sessions, clearly she needs her own.

 

but this is just my two cents...

[Ladyjane14]

I went back and reviewed your earlier threads, Dsancious. You know, this thing is not going to magically disappear. The past is what has already happened. It's NOT going to change.

 

Your wife did what she did. Now it's YOU who is making choices....and in my honest opinion, you are choosing to continue living in THAT moment, the bad place of D-Day.

 

You've ALWAYS had a choice to make. Your wife made one choice, now it's your turn to make yours. Make it already, man.

It's past due. You're just continuing to hurt yourself. It's your indecision that's the most likely cause of your depression and apathy. That goes away once you take REAL ownership of your circumstances.

 

By continuing to live in a state of indecision, you give yourself permission to be less than PROACTIVE in your own life and health. Whatever is going wrong....there's a handy scapegoat to pin it on. "My wife cheated on me."

 

Please don't think that I'm not sympathetic to the devastation of a BS, when dealing with infidelity. That's not the case. These are among the most difficult decisions a person is required to make in their lifetime.

 

But if you know in your heart that you just can't move on in the marriage, there's nothing positive to be gained by staying in it. On the other hand, if you're reasonably certain that forgiveness is possible....then why delay it any longer? You're cheating yourself out of healing either way it goes for as long as you remain 'on the fence'.

 

I think it's great wisdom to take your time when dealing with life-altering decisions. That said, not dealing with your choices...is also a choice. It's a choice to allow the circumstances surrounding your life to dictate your decisions to you.

[loverrr]

Sorry to sound so blunt but get rid of her, really just divorce her, you dont need that crap, cheating right from the start, your r/ship never even had a chance while she was rooting around, she isnt even worthy of you, you deserve so much better, and at 47 you're still young with so much life left ahead of you, let this low life go and set yourself free and allow yourself to find someone that will love you for you and not cheat/disrepect you!!

 

I bet the erection problems will be out the door as quick as she is out the door. How could you possible be turned on by a dirty dog like her?

Sorry but its true