I guess in 5 months, I'll have my answer...

[Donburi]

I thought this would get easier, and some days are. I guess today is a hard one.

 

It's been 10 months...10 MONTHS, thats almost a year, and I still feel the pain. I see him once or twice a week because we have a class together (I'm 21, he's 24. We dated for 3 1/2 years.) And he is STILL giving me the same answer. He doesn't know what is going to happen between us. We are both moving to Japan together this summer, but its not decided if it will be as a couple or not. If you don't remember my other posts, I cheated on him while we were on a break. It's a long story (aren't they all. ) So, I'm assuming he has alot of hatred towards me, which is understandable. Some of his friends, and the mutual ones I talk to are convinced that while we are here in the US, he wants to "torture" me, revenge type stuff. But in Japan, he will take me back, with no one there to judge him. (In the very beginning of this breakup, he swore to everyone that it was over, and that he would never speak to me again. Now we're "friends." So, alot of his friends are frustrated with him because he constantly asks for their help and consoling, but in the end doesn't do what he says he's gonna.) It makes sense to me, and I don't like the idea of being punished, but I can't say I don't deserve it, either.

As I mentioned before, he flirts alot on his myspace. ALOT. Calls every single girl on there hot, beautiful, you name it. But, on his profile, he wrote that he is not there for dating, and is not interested. He will be moving to another country in 5 months, so I guess it makes sense. It seems like he goes out with them sometimes, but thats it. I told him if he wants to date other girls, he is free to do so, but he has to tell me its over. Still no answer yet. He once told me that if he knew it was over we wouldn't be talking. So, we're talking so it can't be that bad...right? I don't know if this means anything, but he has wrote blogs on his myspace about the situation, saying that the guy I "cheated" on him with, his friend, is the bad guy, and that he ruined both our lives, etc...So, even though I am at fault for this, he makes it sound like the "friend" is 100% at fault.

 

So, I hope its understandable to some of you that it is very hard to walk away from this situation. It seems like there is still hope, we are moving to Japan TOGETHER in about 5 months. But, there's a risk, too. We could go together and he could tell me there that it was over, and I'd be all alone in a different country (though I'd manage, I speak the language ok, and I have relatives.)...but I don't think he has it in him to be that cruel...but, if what his friends are saying is true, then he really does want to punish me for a certain amount of time. Does that sound like a likely idea? Why else would his friends, OUR friends tell me something like that? I would really appreciate any thoughts on this.

 

Well...I guess I passed the halfway point of this whole thing, but I still have another 5 months to go before knowing whats gonna happen.

[UT_longhorn]

donburi...

 

its understandable that your ex is unsure and hesitant in trying anything with you as you "cheated" on him. i mean if you really think about it, technically you were on a break...but i know how it could still affect him.

 

i think he needs some space. give him some space to think about the situation. and i truly think moving to a whole new country with someone you don't know its going to work out with is a pretty shaky idea.

 

he knows he has the upper hand and that you are just waiting for his answer. if he knows that he will continue to be the same way and continue his way of "punishing" you. stop contact for a while. let him have some time to his own thoughts.

[Donburi]

donburi...

 

its understandable that your ex is unsure and hesitant in trying anything with you as you "cheated" on him. i mean if you really think about it, technically you were on a break...but i know how it could still affect him.

 

i think he needs some space. give him some space to think about the situation. and i truly think moving to a whole new country with someone you don't know its going to work out with is a pretty shaky idea.

 

he knows he has the upper hand and that you are just waiting for his answer. if he knows that he will continue to be the same way and continue his way of "punishing" you. stop contact for a while. let him have some time to his own thoughts.

 

Thank you, longhorn. Everyone who knows the situation says that my ex knows he is in control. He knows that he doesn't have to say anything and that he can flirt with other girls without me going anywhere. I have tried to do NC a few times, and either he turns it around and makes it seem like he's the one who doesn't care anymore, which made me worry and react, or he contacts me and I give in to it. There have been times where his "friend" contacted me (we used to be really good friends before things got ugly) and tried to be friends with me again. The ex heard about us talking and he freaked out, saying if I choose to talk to him then he would leave my life. I don't know how to do NC. He is the one who always talks to me first online, he invites me out to go eat with him, etc. Plus I have a class with him. I just really really hope he is enjoying his single life right now because he plans on giving us another shot in Japan..

[UT_longhorn]

donburi,

 

when you "cheated" on him, he had the right to be angry, the right to break things off, the right to stop communication...etc. But after 10 months, if he uses that to weild power over the relationship and hurt you in the process, he doesn't have the right to do that.

 

you know the old verse : "if you truly love him, let him go. if it was meant to be, then he will come back."

 

i'll tell you a secret. if you ignore his calls and all his contact...he will threaten to not talk to you or talk about breaking it off completely...but once he sees that youre "serious" he will come back pleading.

 

you're letting him have his cake and eat it too. you're his backup that he knows won't leave. do u want to be backup?

[Donburi]

donburi,

 

when you "cheated" on him, he had the right to be angry, the right to break things off, the right to stop communication...etc. But after 10 months, if he uses that to weild power over the relationship and hurt you in the process, he doesn't have the right to do that.

 

you know the old verse : "if you truly love him, let him go. if it was meant to be, then he will come back."

 

i'll tell you a secret. if you ignore his calls and all his contact...he will threaten to not talk to you or talk about breaking it off completely...but once he sees that youre "serious" he will come back pleading.

 

you're letting him have his cake and eat it too. you're his backup that he knows won't leave. do u want to be backup?

 

Thankyou, I needed to hear that. I knew I deserved some sort of punishment, but I didn't know how much or for how long. To hear someone else say that this has been going on for too long means alot. I wasn't sure what was too long.

I know this is a silly question to ask because you don't know the situation that well, nor are you psychic but does it seem like I am important to him? I constantly wonder if he keeps me around because he does still care or if he truly just views me as a friend (something he HAS told me before. But of course, he has to add in that it could change in the future, argh!) Do most people interact with their ex the way he does with me?

I will try my best to take your advice, but I am scared that if I stop talking to him, he will think that because I stopped groveling and begging for a second chance, then I didn't deserve one anyway. And he does seem to like these other girls on his myspace, so what if me leaving just pushes him towards them? If that happens though, then I guess I had my answer all along...right?

[UT_longhorn]

donburi...

 

you asking, or inquiring, or begging is only making it easier to push you away. its so weird, but basic human psychology tells us that we as people value something more when it's scarce. when its plentiful, its just not as valuable anymore. think of your favorite food in the world. favorite cause you dont have it all the time. think if you had it morning noon and night. not your favorite food anymore.

 

so what im getting at is make yourself scarce. it wont make him forget about you..instead itll make him think of you more.

 

you're right, i am not psychic and cannot tell you how much he cares for you, but for him to be jealous of you speaking to his friend is enough reaction to see that your actions still do affect him.

 

he keeps you around because you choose to be his safety net. he'll go seek out something better knowing that if he fails...well there you are. its a great situation he's in. win win.

 

but lets say he has no safety net...you walk away...well..then it no longer a win win situation now is it

[J dub]

I totally agree with Longhorn, Donburi. I'm sure in your head youre thinking, if

I stop talking to him he'll forget about me or find something else to do with his time, or he'll think youre not trying hard enough, right? The thing is, Youve been doing the same thing (begging, groveling) for this long to no avail.

 

My dad once told me that the very definition of insanity is to repeat the same action over and over expecting different outcomes. Not to say youre insane, but youre doing the same things hoping something will change. Without changing yourself, he has no reason to accept you back because he already knows youre right there. You have to show him that you value yourself enough that you wont sit on the sidelines waiting for him to decide youre worth it...when you respect yourself, others follow suit. So...what could it hurt to let him wonder a little bit? Men are funny creatures - you disappear and they think of you MORE than they did if you were around all the time!

[CaliGuy]

Excellent advice, JDub.

 

And she may have lost him forever, regardless, but if she doesn't let go and respect herself, nobody else will.

 

Your dad is a smart man.

[pandnh4]

My dad once told me that the very definition of insanity is to repeat the same action over and over expecting different outcomes.

 

hey, i remember discovering that definition about a year ago after reading alot about the topic on the web... i posted a blog about it on myspace, and then my former (who i was not yet dating at the time) actually posted a comment... something about seeing or believing something that isn't really there... then being stuck in a loop, i.e. some sort of disorder...

funny how her very definition applies to her; how her insecurities, paranoia, mistrust, and constant search for issues suggests either bpd or npd...

hahahaha

anyway, i kind of like both definitions... i'm sure at least one could probably be applied to me too...

[loony]

My dad once told me that the very definition of insanity is to repeat the same action over and over expecting different outcomes. Not to say youre insane, but youre doing the same things hoping something will change. Without changing yourself, he has no reason to accept you back because he already knows youre right there. You have to show him that you value yourself enough that you wont sit on the sidelines waiting for him to decide youre worth it...when you respect yourself, others follow suit. So...what could it hurt to let him wonder a little bit? Men are funny creatures - you disappear and they think of you MORE than they did if you were around all the time!

I also think it's time to go NC. You tried everything and it doesn't work. I guess, he is immature and wallowing in mental laziness and that's why you won't be able to change anything unless you give him a good smack on the head (not literally). I think I overestimated your guy, because if someone after such a long time is not talking about his issue with you and is still not able to come up with an answer, it's because he really doesn't want to unless there is a damn good reason - like NC.

 

You may think your cheating was the end of the world, but it wasn't. It wasn't great, but you didn't sleep with the guy and if I recall it right it didn't go beyond a kiss. So however bad this made your boyfriend feel, him not getting a grip on himself after such a long time tells me he is not wanting to get over it. It's a mixture of hurt ego, a desire to punish you and to gain control back (I assume seeing you kiss someone else did made him aware that some things are beyond his control and he wants it back). Do believe that you have suffered enough for what you have done, you can't castigate yourself endlessly. Your boyfriend may be hurting real bad, but well, at one point in his life he has to take some responsibility for himself and make the decision to heal.

 

Art_Critic wrote something pretty smart: "What I say or do is my responsibility and how you react to it is your responsibility." and that the reverse was also true, "What you say or do is your responsibility and how I react to it is my responsibility." You can not punish someone for a lifetime. You did your best to make up for your mistake and he doesn't want to forgive you, so, in my opinion there is not much that you can do after 10 months.

 

If you absolutely want, give it a last try and ask him to talk with you about his feelings when he caught you. Try to make him to talk to you. It will take some effort, because it's very likely that he will try to block your attempts to reach to him. If it doesn't work out, go out, eat some ice cream and tell yourself that you did everything possible to resolve the problem and that it's his part now to deal with forgiveness. He may not have chosen to be put in this situation, but that's life and that happens when you deal with fallible imperfect human beings. If he expects things to go perfect he should not have relationships with anybody. And a I'm-holier-than-thou attitude is not justified unless he himself is flawless and perfect.