Young marriage problems

[Shadeofgray]

I just got separated last week. I packed my stuff and left. My wife and are have been married for about 1 1/2 years no kids. We have dated each other for about 5 years before that. I’m 28 she is 30.

 

Our problems started soon after the honeymoon period. I started to get "Hen Pecked". Understandably I did have flaws, like cleaning up after myself and not doing my share of the cooking (all of which I eventually fixed). Our problems come from a severe lack of communication. I like to talk our problems through and she doesn’t (even after a time out period). We both are educated and she is very successful in her career, I on the other hand have faced struggles getting mine going smoothly, she resents that.

I’m a very laid back person where she is very pro-active, before she said she loved how we fit together, now she hates that I’m a laid back person. Every problem we encounter I look at things from both point of view, but my point is rarely acknowledged.

Things eventually started to get worse, the verbal attacks escalated and I was constantly being put down and sworn at. This was all new to me because before marriage she never let me see this side; I feel like I was duped, I don’t even know her any more. She started to spend wildly and not keeping me involved in the finances. I confronted her about this and I once again was verbally attacked and it was my entire fault because she felt ”bored”. Every argument was impossible to resolve do to her use of “twisted logic”, there is no way to can discuss something that makes no sense. I lost my job recently and she blamed it on my incompetence, which wasn’t the case. She says she want me to take the lead because in her eyes I’m not a man, but every time I take the reigns she gets upset as to why she is not involved in the decision making process (even though I always make sure she is involved in any decision we may be making). Eventually she started to push my family away, for no reason, yet kept her family close by. Our fights usually lead to us not talking to one another for 2-7 days at a time.

She then decided to move out back to her parents. That lasted for 3 days and she came back saying sorry for the way she had been acting. She did make a slight effort but came back to her old ways within weeks. Her family suggested we go to couples counseling which we both agreed to. I made 2 appointments and she didn’t go to either, I went alone. She said she did not like telling other people our problems.

We got into one last argument, by this time I had enough and I argued back with a bunch of put downs of my own (I hated that I was reduced to this). I told her I think we should separate and she said, “I’m not going to stop you”. I told her that I alone cant keep this marriage going and I left the next day.

In my situation I was being constantly verbally abused. She would do and say things to me that would never dream of doing to her. She had a complete lack of respect for me. We had very little financial commitment and not many other worries we couldn’t keep it together. What happens when real responsibility hits?

I figure this separation will do 1 for 2 things; either it would give her a much-needed wake up call or she will decide that this marriage to me isn’t what she wants (which is what I suspect). I do still love her but she doesn’t seem to want to do anything about our problems on her end. I fell like I’m constantly catering to her moods. I have done everything I can to rectify any complaint she had against me but she hasn’t done anything to change herself. Couples are supposed to stick by each other through thick and thin, Not put each other down when given the chance.

 

Is it better to cut my losses and move on or is this redeemable? Be honest I can take it. I don’t know what to do next.

[Ladyjane14]

Maybe you should set your boundaries, and not take her back until she's compliant with them. If you want MC, then it's MC or no marriage. If you want better communication, then don't move back in together until she's managed to prove she can stay with it for the long haul.

 

Put the ball in her court. "This is what I NEED in order to remain as your husband." Then be as good as your word.

[Moose]

Good Advice LJ...(As usual )

 

Boy Shade.....you sound just like me 17.5 years ago......

 

First, let me just say, I commend you, for your desire, and work to keep your marriage vows honorable.....this world needs millions like you!

 

Secondly, you've done all you can. You gave it all you could. BUT, I'm not suggesting to cut your strings as of yet though.....

 

LJ hit the nail on the head when she suggested to put the ball in your wife's court. Insist on the counceling, or nothing at all. Period. No divorce, no marriage with the white picket fence until she smell's the coffee and realizes one or the other ain't happenin' till the counceling is done.

 

It's the delivery of the direct order to get counceling that's the problem here.

 

If she's not willing to admit the two of you aren't capable of solving these issues without an unbiased third party, then there's nothing you can do about that.

 

So....you're forced with insulting your wife's intelligence using reverse psychology by convincing her this is going to help you, understand her and what her needs are. That the councelor is there to point the good she does, and the bad you do.....(trickle in the vice versa that she may get some negative feedback too).....the end goal is understand what each other's needs are to be happy.

 

And yes, ultimately, you're going to have to cater to her needs.

 

That's the whole ball of wax. You need to find out what your wife needs to be happy. She needs to know what you need to be happy as well

 

Find, "The Five Love Languages", book, buy it, read it, and apply it.

 

Then you'll understand what I mean about her love bank being overdrawn, while yours is close to empty......

 

My motto is, (And everyone on LS will tell ya), Marriage is 100/100.....never 50/50.......

 

Good Luck to you.....and if you have trouble finding that book, send me a PM and I'll get one to ya.....I know what it's going to take, I was your wife that 17.5 years ago......

[Outcast]

Clearly when you were not 'husband' you were ok but she expected marriage to turn you into 'husband' - apparently an entirly different being. This is not about you twisting yourself into a pretzel to 'make her happy'. This is about you two need counselling and if she won't go, it's time to bail because the only thing that will make her happy is someone else entirely who will play 'husband' exactly the way she wishes.