How do I tell my story?

[alwaysme]

Hello friends,

 

As a child I was sexually abused for a number of years, and it was done by someone who is close to my family. Now I grew up with out my Dad and I was never close to my Mom, so basically this "sick man" took my situation and turned it to benefit his sick dreams. I go through this every single day not knowing how to get over it. I am now 25 and this stopped when I was about 11,12 and I have never been able to let go.

 

The first "serious" realtionship I had (which lasted 5 years) was hell becasue of this "sick man" that I couldn't forget about. When I started having sexually realtions with my bf at the time I would cry everytime usally after but sometimes I just couldn't hold it in and I would start crying. He thought I was crazy and eventually I told him why well atleast some of it, but he wasn't much help he didn't know how to deal with it either. So I was left alone to deal with it again.

 

For my whole life I have wanted to tell my Mom but don't know how and I don't even know if she would believe me, but I think that this may help both her and I, what do you think? See for ever now I have some what blammed my Mom for this becasue I can't imagine letting my little girl (if I have one) go away every weekend with some old man. Yeah he was a family friend but I had brotehrs as well but he only ever wanted to take me away, as a parent would that send some kind of singal? and of course I blame myself alot becasue I should have stopped it but I didn't I was a fool then.

 

How do you even start to deal with or atleast make it so it is livable, and how do I tell my Mom or should I even?

 

This is something that has changed me as a person I always have it in my head, I even feel a little uncomfortable being around small children I am scared I don't know why.

 

How do I stop the pain the hurt, how do I move on. I am terrified that this will end up killing me.

 

Help me please!

[Mz. Pixie]

First of all, you need to get some counseling. You've been through alot- but the fact that you're afraid to be around small children is scary to me, as a former abuse survivor myself. Those thoughts need to be brought to the attention of a professional, asap.

 

The counseling will help you to deal with what has happened to you.

 

Of course you're angry with your mom, and I believe you have every right to be. However, I'm not sure how old you are, but perhaps your mom thought that this man was treating you as a grandchild?? It would have set off bells in my head but perhaps not hers?? Perhaps she is naive??

 

No matter what, you need to tell her but you need to be in counseling when you do it. Because it's going to dredge up alot of emotions that will need to be dealt with. The counselor can help you with the right words to say.

 

The counselor will also help should her reaction not be what you want it to be. It would be perfect if she would fall prostrate on the floor with guilt, and perhaps she will, but you need to be prepared in case she turns it around on you. My mother did when I told her but perhaps that won't be your experience??

 

Sex is normal and healthy in a right relationship. The counseling will help you to see that.

 

Please call someone today.

[blind_otter]

I have to second what Mz. P said. Counseling, my friend. It sounds like now is the right time for you.

 

Also, for me it's been important to tell my partners - disclose the things I've gone through, if not in detail, at least in general - early in the relationship so they know what they're dealing with. Keep going, you will get better. Ittakes time, though.

 

This http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=77326 is a great thread to read, IMO.

[alwaysme]

Hey,

 

Thanks for the replies,

One thing that I am not able to do because of a bad experince is the whole counsellling thing. At one point when I was about 18 I was severly depressed I thought it was caused by what happened to me as a child, but anyways to get to the point I tryed to kill myself and I was put in the hospital for a while(this also why I can't tell my mom, she never came to the hospital untill I was there for awhile and I was in bad shape I was in ICU for awhile) and they ended up saying a whole lot of things that were just not the problem. I wouldn't really tell them what had happened to me as a kid I was to embarassed about it, but I meet with this Doctor that I felt some what comfortable with and I told him and then came the though part they tried to get me to answer all these questions in detail about what happened and I couldn't do that it makes me to sick to my stomach.

I know that I need someone to talk to who knows what to do with me, but I can't talk to anyone. I can sit here and write to you all becasue you have no idea who I am and when if you ever see me I wouldn't know that it's you and I wouldn't have to walk with my head down.

Sometimes I really believe that this is all my fault firstly I should have stopped it and now that I am older I should get myself help but I can't. I wouldn't really know what to say or where to start there is way to much. I can never come to trust someone enough to tell them about my past.

I have this really close friend who is somewhat of a father figure and I have knowen him for about 10years and he used to be a police officer and I came so close to telling him a couple of times but then I stop myself because I am afraid of something I don't know what though. One time he asked me if something like that ever happed and I lied and said no. See my point I can't open the door and when the door is open for me I still am not able to walk through.

This is truly going to destroy me, I know it is I am to much of a fool to do something about it. I sit here and type this you guys with tears in my eyes and yet I am still going to sit here because I am to afraid to do anything.

WHAT IS STOPPING ME, WHY AM I SO AFRAID

I want to me a happy girl someone who looks forward to the next day,

Thanks for listening

[Mz. Pixie]

Honey, it is extremely hard and I understand. I've been through the wringer myself. In addition to sexual abuse, I suffered emotional, physical and mental. My mother was mentally ill as well.

 

I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and you're exhibiting some of the symptoms I think.

 

Do you have a close female friend that you can talk to and tell about the abuse??? That way she could help you get some counseling??

 

What about this police officer guy? He sounds like he cares about you. He would certainly be able to get you into a good program by asking around.

 

Here is the thing. You should only talk about what you can. No one should push you to talk. Not all therapists are like that. You can find someone who will help you. The key is to make that first step. Then if you don't like the person- guess what? They don't know you from Adam. They are bound by professional rules to keep what you tell them private. Then you find someone else- maybe you like the next person.

 

One counselor I had wanted to make sure I felt comfortable being in her waiting room and that I didn't feel that someone that I knew would see me. I thought that was very caring.

 

These people are used to dealing with abuse survivors. They know what to do.

 

Does your health insurance have a number you can call for mental emergencies? Alot of them do and they could help get you into a good counselor.

 

The trust issues?? We all have them. I can't even trust my husband 25% of the time when he's done nothing to show me he would hurt me. It's normal to feel everything you're feeling.

 

This does not define you. You will be able to recover from it. I'm not sure how old you are??? I have survived and there are lots of women here who have as well. You can too!

 

This was NOT your fault. This was the fault of a sick pervert who took away something innocent and precious of yours that wasn't his to take. You did NOTHING to encourage it, and even if you felt you did, he was the adult and he was the one who should have stopped this evil. There was nothing you could do to stop it!

 

I wish I could wrap my arms around you and get you to the counselor. Please try and make a call today for an appt.

[blind_otter]

Someone once told me that this is like having a broken bone. It is extremely painful to set it straight, but if you don't, you will hobble forever. Or even die.

 

Same with this - if you don't set yourself straight, you will hobble forever.

 

We have to be strong. Have to have iron inside of ourselves. To me, getting better was revenge. Because to live like I have been living is letting every man who ever hurt me win, they wanted to degrade me -- I won't let them. I am stronger than that, stronger than they are.

 

I wasn't molested over a long period of time, like you. I was molested for a few months when I was 4, raped when I was 12, and raped again when I was 19. The way I coped? I became a drug addict and an alcoholic. I lost my way. I destroyed my own life because I had so much pain and rage and helpless anger inside me and I didn't know what to do. I had no other option but to face my fears.

 

You can protect yourself from this pain for the rest of your life but all your energy will go towards portecting you and not towrads living your life.

 

My goal is to be able to become a mother. I'm not yet able to do that, emotionally, but having a goal to work towards can help.

[alwaysme]

Hey guys,

 

Thanks again for all the advise. I made a call to my friend (the ex-police man) So we will most likely meet with in the next week or so, he is usally pretty good with returning my phone calls.

I am a little bit scared (well actually I think I am terrified) I want to tell him so he can help me, or get me some help. He does care about me alot and I know that when if he does find out he will do everything to help me. It's just the telling him part that's really hard. I am going to try and write a letter so that if I don't end up telling him when we meet I can just give it to him when I am leaving. Is that a bad idea? I am also afraid because as I said before he was a police officer in the past what if he wants to get the police involved my family will disown me I think. You know the wasn't meant to be easy but sh*t this is crazy. I am so glad that you guys actually care enough to talk and listen to me. I am really greatful for that. Sometimes it gets pretty scary up in my head.

Oh Mz. Pixie, about me having a close female no I don't one of my best friends is a female but we don't talk about stuff our realtionship is not like that at all, and my other best friend is one of my ex boyfriends and he is the one that knows but he doesn't really like to talk about it because he doesn't know what to say I think.

I have never been really close to any female I am much more comfortable with men is that normal?

Blind_otter about you saying that one of the things you want is to be a mother that's what I would love to be as well, what I don't think that is possible I am to messed up to raise a child and I would be to afraid around my own child I couldn't do that to them. You know most people say that I am young but I don't feel so so young, I am 25 and I have nothing to offer the world. or even myself. The situation with the "sick man" has been stopped for over 10 years now and I am not getting better, and it's seams that I just get worse as the days and years pass me by.

Just a story I would like to tell,..,..., As a child my dream was to become a police officer I never wanted anything more, I used to be in love with the idea, and then as I got older I went to school for it and everything but now I can't do it, I can not go forward with my child hood dream. For two reasons one being that if I ever went to a call where a child was being hurt in anyway by an adult I would k**l them no questions asked. And second is the fact that I tryed to take me own life that is on my record and always will be because when the picked me up the police had to come, so not only has this "sick man" destroyed my mental state he basically destroyed everything I ever looked forward to.

Can anybody tell me why this happens to us and why is it "us" why me, I don't think it is possible for me to feel that I am pretty or even just good enough for someone.

Slowly going crazy I am..,