Queen_Bree Posted August 30, 2001 Share Posted August 30, 2001 Fear Factor.......... I have a question. How hard is it when you know that someone is perfect for you and fear sets in? What does a man feel? Have you ever been afraid of a committment because you'd had been hurt before? (Even though you loved the new person more than anything.) I mean, you get along and are great friends and things are wonderful, then you realize you are "truly" in love with this person...and fear sets in. At this point, you tell her how you feel and she understands. Has anyone been so hurt by a past relationship to where they are afraid to try again? If so, what happened in the end? How did you act with the woman? How did you feel? What was your reaction, if any? From a man's perspective, what does, "I love you so much, but I am confused and I need just a little time to get my mind right...This doesn't mean that I feel any differently for you, I just need some 'me' time" mean? (If there's any underlying message in any of that.) Did you not want to see her or talk to her as much during your time apart? If so, why? Any related experience would be helpful. THANKS!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted August 30, 2001 Share Posted August 30, 2001 I really don't think most fear stems from past experiences or hurts. Most rational people automatically expect that not every relationship is going to work out the way we want and it takes time to find just the right person and the right combination. Maybe some measure of fear may result from the past but not the greatest part. Men are basically hunters. Once they've won the heart of their target, they are for the greatest part satisfied and ready for another hunt...at least during that developmental stage of their life. The greatest part of men's fear, in my opinion, stems from the fear of loss of self, fear of loss of freedom, fear of responsibility, fear of being taken out of circulation, fear of their self being engulfed by another being, fear of change, etc. Many men see a major committment as a prison sentence, a very nice one of course, but a confinement of some nature that precludes normal movement, normal freedoms, and ties one down to one person. When a person is completely ready for this kind of confinement (a harsh word I know but appropriate for purpose of this essay), as timing is everything, the fear ceases to be a factor. This right timing comes with age, maturity, family history, financial stability and a host of other factors which are different for different people. I think VERY OFTEN the hurt men feel is a direct result of their own efforts to sabotage a relationship, one in which they love the person a great deal, but one in which they simply feel they aren't ready to give up a lot of things that come with being single and unencumbered. So the relationshp ends and deep hurt ensues...but it is nevertheless the man's fault and he realizes it. Very often this sabotage is done unconsciously without the man even realizing he's doing it or why. So, yes, there is a fear factor but, in my opinion, it is not nearly as much a fear of being hurt...because that can be anticipated and controlled to an extent if one pays attention. But one finds it very difficult to balance his instinctual and innate desire to be connected romantically and spiritually, on the one hand, with his desire to remain free, single, and without responsibility on the other. Becoming deeply involved romantically and spiritually with another person requires a great committment of time, energy, love, dedication, attention, etc. that most men are not willing to expend until they are absolutely ready. That is when the fear lifts...and even then, they may need to pop a Xanax on the way to the altar. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted August 30, 2001 Share Posted August 30, 2001 they're ready for the confinement & are willing to take all the responsibility, etc. Why?? What happened to their free single hunter rule instinct? I really don't think most fear stems from past experiences or hurts. Most rational people automatically expect that not every relationship is going to work out the way we want and it takes time to find just the right person and the right combination. Maybe some measure of fear may result from the past but not the greatest part. Men are basically hunters. Once they've won the heart of their target, they are for the greatest part satisfied and ready for another hunt...at least during that developmental stage of their life. The greatest part of men's fear, in my opinion, stems from the fear of loss of self, fear of loss of freedom, fear of responsibility, fear of being taken out of circulation, fear of their self being engulfed by another being, fear of change, etc. Many men see a major committment as a prison sentence, a very nice one of course, but a confinement of some nature that precludes normal movement, normal freedoms, and ties one down to one person. When a person is completely ready for this kind of confinement (a harsh word I know but appropriate for purpose of this essay), as timing is everything, the fear ceases to be a factor. This right timing comes with age, maturity, family history, financial stability and a host of other factors which are different for different people. I think VERY OFTEN the hurt men feel is a direct result of their own efforts to sabotage a relationship, one in which they love the person a great deal, but one in which they simply feel they aren't ready to give up a lot of things that come with being single and unencumbered. So the relationshp ends and deep hurt ensues...but it is nevertheless the man's fault and he realizes it. Very often this sabotage is done unconsciously without the man even realizing he's doing it or why. So, yes, there is a fear factor but, in my opinion, it is not nearly as much a fear of being hurt...because that can be anticipated and controlled to an extent if one pays attention. But one finds it very difficult to balance his instinctual and innate desire to be connected romantically and spiritually, on the one hand, with his desire to remain free, single, and without responsibility on the other. Becoming deeply involved romantically and spiritually with another person requires a great committment of time, energy, love, dedication, attention, etc. that most men are not willing to expend until they are absolutely ready. That is when the fear lifts...and even then, they may need to pop a Xanax on the way to the altar. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted August 30, 2001 Share Posted August 30, 2001 If they are only acting, they are fooling themselves or manipulating another for their selfish purposes, such as ready access to sex or a beautiful companion. Some men mature much sooner than others and there are some young men who are actually ready to settle down at a young age...but I don't see this very often. Link to post Share on other sites
Queen_Bree Posted September 1, 2001 Share Posted September 1, 2001 Tony, thanks for your input. I appreciate it!! Queen_Bree Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts