Delectable Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Okay...so I am with the most WONDERFUL of men...and I mean he is incredible. He is 90% perfect (I know I know typical female right). Our sex is great but our friendship is even better. I don't know what it is..maybe it is because I've had crappy boyfriends and relationships int he past, that now that i have someone wonderful...there really is a part of me that is looking for 'what's going to go wrong' and because he is so incredibly wonderful I find myself more jealous than I have ever been. I am making myself sound worse than I am probably acting because I don't bring these feelings to him...even though I know I could...BUT... We were laying in bed on Saturday morning and having a discussion on fidelity and I found out what he considers cheating is not what I consider cheating. I mean I'm way conservative when it comes to my views...I even believe there can be emotional cheating, virtual cheating, I believe that any sort of intimacy with anyone else is taboo. HE on the other hand told me that in his opinion being nude and insertion stuff like that was cheating. He actually said that he didn't think a kiss was really cheating...he said a kiss is pretty harmless. BUT HE DID SAY Honey, without you even telling me your boundaries I'm aware of what would make you comfortable and uncomfortable. I would never put myself in any situation that would make you uncomfortable because you are the best thing that ever happened to me and I don't want to **** this up. I don't think kissing is cheating but I would never put myself in that situation with you...I don't want to lose you okay okay okay I know you guys are all rolling your eyes but he is that sweet and I know he means what he is saying. Now even though my views on fidelity are very different from his and I've been feeling very more jealous than normal of late - I would never ask him to conform to my way of thinking ... even though he has without my request. I know I know he has already said that he would never do that or let himself be in a situation like that because of his feelings for me and technically I should just let this go from here... I don't want to bring this up again with him because I am very satisfied with his position... BUT who on earth thinks that kissing isn't cheating...am I just some prude. I've only had a few relationships in my life and he has had literally four times as many as I have...help me understand... Link to post Share on other sites
Tangerina Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 I think kissing is cheating... I think most people do... but maybe he is just thinking of "kissing" as "a kiss" and not like face-sucking-for-hours-kissing.... On the other hand, I don't think things like hanging out with female friends alone, or things like skinny dipping or back rubs or having good female friends, or even flirting or checking other people out are cheating as long as it doesn't cross certain lines.... but a lot of people do think some of those things are cheating so I guess I do understand how people could have very different ideas about it... It sounds like you have a great guy who you can trust, try not to worry about it:) Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 I definitely think kissing is cheating. So does my husband... even holding hands. It's the intimacy that is cheating. You guys def need to discuss and agree upon what constitutes cheating for you guys. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 I think a lot of times discussions like you were having boil down to semantics. When you have to start defining terms based on hypotheticals like "okay, but what if I don't use my tongue" then I think you'll find it hard to agree. The real test of what he considers cheating are the limits he hopes you never violate. Maybe he doesn't consider kissing "cheating" but if he cares about you I'm betting he for damn sure isn't going to take it well if you kiss some other guy. Whether it's "cheating" or not you can leave to Webster. More brief thoughts: If he wouldn't care if you kissed another guy, then I'd have to wonder what was up. If he would care, but can't "get in touch" with those feelings in the abstract, then I'd say he may not really know himself very well. Final thought: Don't make a guy over-analyze things with you. You're going to have to trust his actions not his words. Unless he's Shakespeare, his words won't do the trick. And if you're feeling insecure, even Shakespeare probably couldn't convince you. Trust is given at least as much as it is earned. Link to post Share on other sites
bigfatasian Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 to be honest with you. kissing is just kissing. guys view things differently. He sounds like a simple man, and i'm sure he won't cheat on you. I have been kissed by other girls when my girlfriend was around but they're all harmless and i did not instigate any of those kisses. But me and my gf have a really good relationship where we understand whats going on. the bottom line is, you have to trust him and if he does cheat, you can't trust him anymore. just don't worry about stupid stuff like this cause it'll just make you paranoid. I thought my girlfriend was cheating on me emotionally for a while and maybe she was but she knows what's best for her and i do too. that is why there are relationships that work and some that don't work. just be faithful and you'll be okay. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Delectable Posted February 21, 2006 Author Share Posted February 21, 2006 The real test of what he considers cheating are the limits he hopes you never violate. Maybe he doesn't consider kissing "cheating" but if he cares about you I'm betting he for damn sure isn't going to take it well if you kiss some other guy. Whether it's "cheating" or not you can leave to Webster. More brief thoughts: If he wouldn't care if you kissed another guy, then I'd have to wonder what was up. Johan - it is so interesting that you said that...because when he was talking to me about it he did say...he wouldn't be happy if I kissed someone else but that he had been cheated on in the past and he wished it had been only kissing.... Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 My advice: forget you ever had this discussion with him. Fight the urge your insecurities will cause (I don't know why women do this) to try to define your relationship in gut-wrenching, semantical hair-splitting discussions that only lead to exhaustion and wonder for both of you. If you think you're about to start up, quickly stick something in your mouth. Do what my ex could never do: appreciate him and let things play out. Don't treat him like a potentially cancerous body part you can't live without. If he ends up being a jerk, you'll be ok. If you trust yourself, then trusting him isn't as critical. Link to post Share on other sites
Tangerina Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Wow Johan, your last post just succincly summed up the lesson I am learning from my last relationship, both about the semantical discussions and about not being like you ex... I think I am keeping it together much better in my current relationship, but yeah, what is with us ladies getting so clingy? It doesn't help anything! Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Okay...so I am with the most WONDERFUL of menEnjoy it! there really is a part of me that is looking for 'what's going to go wrong' and because he is so incredibly wonderful I find myself more jealous than I have ever been That will pass as your relationship becomes deeper and more mature. Eventually (when you get to know him very well), you will either feel comfortable about trusting him (and everything else) or hate his guts. BUT who on earth thinks that kissing isn't cheating... There is kissing and kissing... and cheating and cheating... He loves you so he wouldn't do anything to jeopardize your relationship. Who cares what he considered cheating with other women? Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Just out of curiosty, how did the dicussion of fedelity even come up? Yes there are many peoples views on what is cheating and what is not cheating very different. However if he feels kissing is NOT cheating, was he just meaning his views in general on the matter, or was he speaking from experience and was trying to be justifiable in what he says? Jade Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 BUT who on earth thinks that kissing isn't cheating... Kissing, in and of itself, is not really cheating. It's what kissing leads to that could be construed as cheating... Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Kissing, in and of itself, is not really cheating. It's what kissing leads to that could be construed as cheating...I agree, but it does make us feel betrayed and cheated on, just like many other things that are officially not considered cheating. If I kissed another man, I couldn't look at my hubby's eyes afterwards. And I would be very pissed if he kissed another woman. I guess fidelity means you're totally clean and let everyone know that your body, mouth, and mind are reserved for your partner. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 I guess fidelity means you're totally clean and let everyone know that your body, mouth, and mind are reserved for your partner. well RP....its only cheating if you get busted. Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 It's only cheating if it's against the rules you talk about. If you decide it's okay for you to kiss it isn't cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 well RP....its only cheating if you get busted. Hahah! Alpha, I U! I actually feel that it'd be cheating when I love someone. I have cheated on people I didn't care about or knew they didn't care about me (did it out of anger) and still felt that it was NOT cheating... On the other side if I've done some innocent things to someone I loved, I felt guilty and dirty. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 I think that anything you do with another that you wouldn't want your partner to see you do is likely cheating. I also believe that anything I would do with another that would take time and emotional energy I should be spending with and on my wife is cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 Right in the same place Curmudgeon is with this. If you do something, whatever it is, would you be comfortable doing it if your SO was standing there watching you? And how would your SO react? It is as simple as that for me. No need to play semantics with it. Thats why I have such issues with people who keep friends of the opposite sex away from their SO's. Cheating is not defined by line of sight Alpha! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Delectable Posted February 22, 2006 Author Share Posted February 22, 2006 I think that anything you do with another that you wouldn't want your partner to see you do is likely cheating. I also believe that anything I would do with another that would take time and emotional energy I should be spending with and on my wife is cheating. I'm really in agreement with this. I think when and if this comes up again I'm going to say what I am comfortable with and what I'm not and - I'm not going to tell him what to do but I will tell him that I really believe that since we are aware of each others comfort levels we should go by If you do something, whatever it is, would you be comfortable doing it if your SO was standing there watching you? And how would your SO react? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Delectable Posted February 23, 2006 Author Share Posted February 23, 2006 Interesting thread that might have been born from this one...I love it! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t82678/ Link to post Share on other sites
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