Locking Lips With Professor Hip

[dora]

Hi Love Forum,

 

I am a twenty-one year old single female student in a relatively small town, with a relatively small campus. I live at home, pay my bills,my family is pretty laid-back but very protective.

 

For months, a new thirty year old instructor and I flirted as discreetly as we could at school. At first, I thought it was my imagination, you know the whole schoolgirl crush scenario. I was not deluded. This man and I continued our flirty conversations after the semester ended. We spent some time together off campus, we went to eat and we went for a jog together. A phone conversation a week before a trip we planned, a conversation made it pretty clear that the professor and I had 'feelings' for one another, a few all out come-ons.

 

Well, we went on the trip; he and I yielded to temptation. We spent the day together holding hands and acting cute like an adolescent couple. Back in town, a few lap touches and hand squeezes later, we ended up in his house on his bed. I told him I would not put out. In between kisses and embraces, he told me nobody could find out about our being together. Allright, i figured. I thought the man had thought things out, thought of the repercussions.

 

He said that we had been flirting for months and that our being together like this would make it better. Well, things actually got worse. I recieved a phone call from home at his house, demanding I go home or I would be hunted down pretty much. Mortified, i apologized to him for the phone call. He reacted fairly calmly and told me i should go get myself together before i went home. He asked me for a kiss since he knew i wouldn't be able to give him one at home. I kissed him, and on our way home we talked about what tomorrow may bring for us, would i see him, would he call...he said he would.He walked me to my door-I asked him to. My family rep. civilized and all opened the door and i introduced him.

 

Whether or not he was going to run in the first place, I should have figured the weird intro. to family thing at midnight would send him on foot the hills. The next morning,sure enough he decided to quit our chancy game to avoid anxiety, not without telling me he didn't want our relationship to change, he wanted us to get along as we used to before the tryst-though we had established no touching upon my inquiry, I told him i had no idea if we were okay, but I hoped so. I am angry that our time together was arguably treated as a summer frivolity.

 

Now,when I see this man, I feel the anger right in my heart. My question is, what can I do to forgive him and get over it?

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Now,when I see this man, I feel the anger right in my heart. My question is, what can I do to forgive him and get over it?"

 

My reading comprehension being what it is, I have to say I am puzzled by your question so there are many things I must have missed.

 

However, the way I got this is that your parents didn't quite approve of this pair up and your professor decided to show respect for their wishes. What I got out of this is that your parents interupted your outing with the prof and out of deep fear you fast-footed home with him in hand.

 

I don't think he meant this as a summer frivolity but the man doesn't want to die at the hands of your parents. He also wants to preserve his new job at a teacher on campus.

 

So why are you angry? If there's any anger to be had, it should be directed an your mommy and daddy. Forgiveness should be in that direction also. If you don't understand where prof is coming from, you are not sufficiently understanding to be in a relationship.

 

Now, I profusely apologize if I got this all wrong. Your post is not incredibly clear.

[dora]

Thanks for replying, and I am sorry if my post was not incredibly clear.

 

Initially, I directed anger at my parents because I felt and still feel that they showed no respect for my decision to take a chance on him. I made it no secret to my family that I wanted more of a relationship with him. I put myself in their shoes, and i realized they reacted as best they could to an overwhelming situation, their youngest inexperienced daughter with a thirty-year old man at midnight at his home.

 

Of course I understand where the professor is coming from-I understand the severity of violating the universal code of campus ethics. When we crossed the line, however,I was under the impression that he knew where I was coming from, (home)inexperienced in the serious relationship department and complex for that same reason.

 

I am angry because he cheapened the experience when he bailed at the last minute, told me the last thing he neeed was for angry parents to call the school about him, and then he dared to tell me he looked forward to flirting with me in the halls. (I suspect that I forgot to mention the last part in my previous entry).

 

Maybe I am wrong, but for a man afraid of professor-student scandal to say that strikes me as ridiculous. If he meant for the operative words to be 'in the hall,' the statement was still rather audacious in itself.

 

YOU ASK: "Now,when I see this man, I feel the anger right in my heart. My question is, what can I do to forgive him and get over it?" My reading comprehension being what it is, I have to say I am puzzled by your question so there are many things I must have missed. However, the way I got this is that your parents didn't quite approve of this pair up and your professor decided to show respect for their wishes. What I got out of this is that your parents interupted your outing with the prof and out of deep fear you fast-footed home with him in hand.

 

I don't think he meant this as a summer frivolity but the man doesn't want to die at the hands of your parents. He also wants to preserve his new job at a teacher on campus. So why are you angry? If there's any anger to be had, it should be directed an your mommy and daddy. Forgiveness should be in that direction also. If you don't understand where prof is coming from, you are not sufficiently understanding to be in a relationship. Now, I profusely apologize if I got this all wrong. Your post is not incredibly clear.

 

[Tony T]

I totally agree this was a poor choice of words but under the circumstances his overall demeanor was appropriate. He compromised his professional ethics by seeing you under such circumstances and there was a great risk that his behavior would be exposed.

 

Obviously, in the heat of his fondness for you he failed to realize the full implications of his behavior. When he realized your parents were closely monitoring this situation, and considering the small town nature of gossip and news travelling fast, he was proper in expeditiously correcting his ethical standard of behavior and ending the physical (other than flirting) part of this relationship...for the benefit of his employer and to uphold the terms of his employment contract.

 

I hope you find it in your heart at some future time to be understanding of what he did and to forgive his choice of words to you. There were certainly more sensitive ways he could have transitioned this relationship with you but my sense is that he felt a deep urgency and confusion in doing something quickly once he realized your parents were wise to the situation.

 

Sometimes in the haste of effecting a fast solution to an unacceptable situation, we make mistakes...we all do.

[arthropod]

wait, so after terminating the relationship, this guy said he looked forward to still flirting with you in the hall?? now, that's definitely inappropriate on his part. granted, he may have been trying to give you "something to hang onto" and make you feel better about what happened, but he shouldn't continue the flirting. if he tries, you'd be best to IGNORE any of that -- it's just not right, and it serves NO PURPOSE!

Thanks for replying, and I am sorry if my post was not incredibly clear. Initially, I directed anger at my parents because I felt and still feel that they showed no respect for my decision to take a chance on him. I made it no secret to my family that I wanted more of a relationship with him. I put myself in their shoes, and i realized they reacted as best they could to an overwhelming situation, their youngest inexperienced daughter with a thirty-year old man at midnight at his home. Of course I understand where the professor is coming from-I understand the severity of violating the universal code of campus ethics. When we crossed the line, however,I was under the impression that he knew where I was coming from, (home)inexperienced in the serious relationship department and complex for that same reason. I am angry because he cheapened the experience when he bailed at the last minute, told me the last thing he neeed was for angry parents to call the school about him, and then he dared to tell me he looked forward to flirting with me in the halls. (I suspect that I forgot to mention the last part in my previous entry). Maybe I am wrong, but for a man afraid of professor-student scandal to say that strikes me as ridiculous. If he meant for the operative words to be 'in the hall,' the statement was still rather audacious in itself.