My gf wants us to cool down

[Rick]

I'm very confused and in total despair. I noramlly dont express my feelings to others and to ever post my private problem to IR is something really unthinkable. But I need to find ways to relase myself.

 

Last wednesday my gf told me she would meet her female friend after work. Later I found out that she went to see film and dinner with another man. I tried very hard to hold back my resentment and frustrations and asked my gf about their relationship. She did apologise to me for lying. She didn't want me to misunderstand and that man was just good friend for her. That night was nothing more than a social get-together. She is so aware of my sentivity but on the other hand she doesn't have too many close friends that she enjoys their companship, she would like to carry on as the way it's as long as she knows so well that it's purely relationship.

 

The problem is that man did approach my gf just a while ago. There had been certain development and my gf admitted that she'd almost fallen for him. She assured me not to worry. After much soul searching, she has confirmed I'm her man. She did ask me if I felt really uncomfortable and she could sever all her contact with that man. Out of my respect for her as much as I would expect the same for her, I replied it shouldn't be necessary and she remained the best person to decide how she should handle this. Yet the frequency and the way they continued to see each other really worried me. When i finally revealed to my gf, I saw them going back to her home last Wed, we decided we needed some timeto think for our relationship. I went to another state for 3 days over last weekend for work and the first thing I did on coming back to find a chance to see her. I was in all down and worn during that period time.My heart drove me to the conclusion that all I want from my gf is re-assurance. I also want her to tell me if there is anything I've not done enough and what I should improve.

 

To my dismay, she was so busy with her work over the last couple of days that she didn't seriously think through our relationship. I know she must be very tired with her new product launch and she said she was very fed up with my lack of trust in her. She's become very confused too. The more I asked her about our future the more she felt being pressurised. She isn't comfortable as she feels I've attempted to impose on her lots of constraints. However, she said to me last night that she was sure we're most compatible to each other. I'm the one she's willing to spend her life together in the future. But that's so much over the long term. In the near term, if I ask her to marry me now, she won't go for it. We've been together for almost 6 years. She said she used to be very single hearted and dependent on me; but now she has become very independent and concerned how to protect herself. Her major issue now isn't looking for any life longer partner, it seems she can be a lot happier being alone and independent. That's what she'd like to thin through. She asked me to give her 3 months to settle her mind. But we can still see each other as friend. I really don't understand it and I see it a step back of our relationship. I can't imagine how I behave or what I should do if i continue to see her like this. I explicity asked her if it really meant separation in the light manner. She said she didn't need to do this as she's always a very clear cut person. I was so sad to reply that I didn't like but I would respect her decision.She asked me what would I do in the next 3 months. I told her I'm a human being and I don't know to hide my feelings. I'd probably try my utmost to forget her. And she murmured she couldn't do andything if that was the case. She was very calm throughout the time.

 

Now I'm really angry myself. Have I asked too much for her? Have I screwed up our relationship? I shouldn't knowing anything as long as she's good to me. On the other hand, I'm upset as she doesn' tseem treasure our relationship. Anyway, it's all over and I feel so lonely. I can't concentrate on my work. I don't want to talk to anybody. I just wanna punch in all my feeling here.

[arthropod]

hey, rick . . . really sorry to hear about your situation. thing is, her heart is elsewhere now. anything she may have said giving any hope to your relationship sounds to me like a "hang on just in case". the fact that she lied to you about going out with someone else that she might have fallen for, that's a bad sign, my friend. did you ask too much of her . . . i don't think so. doesn't seem to me that you're the one that screwed up the relationship here.

 

problem is, now you have to deal with all the hurt, and no one can TELL you how to do that. my suggestion is to stay away from her, go enjoy YOURSELF, and try to keep yourself as busy as possible with friends, etc. it's not easy, there's NO DOUBT about that, but you HAVE to move on.

 

GOOD LUCK . . . not many people out there can say they haven't experienced a similar situation . . . you're not alone!!

I'm very confused and in total despair. I noramlly dont express my feelings to others and to ever post my private problem to IR is something really unthinkable. But I need to find ways to relase myself. Last wednesday my gf told me she would meet her female friend after work. Later I found out that she went to see film and dinner with another man. I tried very hard to hold back my resentment and frustrations and asked my gf about their relationship. She did apologise to me for lying. She didn't want me to misunderstand and that man was just good friend for her. That night was nothing more than a social get-together. She is so aware of my sentivity but on the other hand she doesn't have too many close friends that she enjoys their companship, she would like to carry on as the way it's as long as she knows so well that it's purely relationship. The problem is that man did approach my gf just a while ago. There had been certain development and my gf admitted that she'd almost fallen for him. She assured me not to worry. After much soul searching, she has confirmed I'm her man. She did ask me if I felt really uncomfortable and she could sever all her contact with that man. Out of my respect for her as much as I would expect the same for her, I replied it shouldn't be necessary and she remained the best person to decide how she should handle this. Yet the frequency and the way they continued to see each other really worried me. When i finally revealed to my gf, I saw them going back to her home last Wed, we decided we needed some timeto think for our relationship. I went to another state for 3 days over last weekend for work and the first thing I did on coming back to find a chance to see her. I was in all down and worn during that period time.My heart drove me to the conclusion that all I want from my gf is re-assurance. I also want her to tell me if there is anything I've not done enough and what I should improve. To my dismay, she was so busy with her work over the last couple of days that she didn't seriously think through our relationship. I know she must be very tired with her new product launch and she said she was very fed up with my lack of trust in her. She's become very confused too. The more I asked her about our future the more she felt being pressurised. She isn't comfortable as she feels I've attempted to impose on her lots of constraints. However, she said to me last night that she was sure we're most compatible to each other. I'm the one she's willing to spend her life together in the future. But that's so much over the long term. In the near term, if I ask her to marry me now, she won't go for it. We've been together for almost 6 years. She said she used to be very single hearted and dependent on me; but now she has become very independent and concerned how to protect herself. Her major issue now isn't looking for any life longer partner, it seems she can be a lot happier being alone and independent. That's what she'd like to thin through. She asked me to give her 3 months to settle her mind. But we can still see each other as friend. I really don't understand it and I see it a step back of our relationship. I can't imagine how I behave or what I should do if i continue to see her like this. I explicity asked her if it really meant separation in the light manner. She said she didn't need to do this as she's always a very clear cut person. I was so sad to reply that I didn't like but I would respect her decision.She asked me what would I do in the next 3 months. I told her I'm a human being and I don't know to hide my feelings. I'd probably try my utmost to forget her. And she murmured she couldn't do andything if that was the case. She was very calm throughout the time. Now I'm really angry myself. Have I asked too much for her? Have I screwed up our relationship? I shouldn't knowing anything as long as she's good to me. On the other hand, I'm upset as she doesn' tseem treasure our relationship. Anyway, it's all over and I feel so lonely. I can't concentrate on my work. I don't want to talk to anybody. I just wanna punch in all my feeling here.

[BeenThere]

Glad you found courage to post, Rick. At least here, you'll get honest, unbiased feed back that's difficult to find when you confide in friends or family members. Here, no one knows you, and no one is going to hold back for the sake of sparing feelings. The opinions will be varied, and sometimes "blunt"...but as you sort through them, you'll find it sobering.

 

My personal take on this situation might be different if this relationship were new, as there are always issues to be worked out in the beginning when you are getting to know someone. But the fact that the two of you had been together for six years and only NOW your girlfriend has decided to spend time with "male friends" certainly suggests where her heart is.

 

First of all, she must have known how you would feel about her "male friend," why else would she choose to lye about their evening together? She obviously knew you would be hurt, but decided spending time with this new guy was more important than your feelings. She was willing to risk your relationship...and did. She didn't choose to lye because she was afraid you'd misunderstand, but rather she covered up because she felt guilty. She KNEW what she was doing was wrong. She apologizes for lying, but than defends herself by turning it around on "you," making you feel bad about "not trusting her." And why should you? She's a liar, a cheat, and CAN'T be trusted. But her game worked because now you feel as if you're the one who has done something wrong, when in fact you haven't! You have every right to question her. You're in this relationship too!

 

Secondly, going to the movies and dinner with another man is not the same as a "social get-together with a good friend." This was a "date" cut and dry. Afterall, have you ever met this "friend?" Did she ever suggest the three of you spend social time together? Perhaps their hasn't been any sex between the two of them yet, but she's testing the waters, pursuing her new interest. She even admits she almost fell for him once, and her behavior proves that there is still a spark.

 

I think you handled the situation admireably. You gave her the freedom to decide for herself whether to end this friendship or not. If you had demanded that she not see him again, then you would have known her descision wasn't sincere and there's a sure bet she would continue to spend time with him anyway, behind your back rather than out in the open. You did her a great service, relieving her of any guilt she would have felt and sparing her the trouble of inventing lies to cover up. Like the old saying goes..."Give them enough rope and they will eventually hang themselves!"

 

I would NOT suggest that you remain friends with the girl until she makes up her mind who she wants. Do NOT become her "sure thing on the side." I know its going to hurt for awhile, but you need to end it, and end it NOW. When you are in a better head space, you'll look back on the things she's done and see it for what it is. You'll get angry...and that's okay, because it will help you get past this and put closure on it once and for all.

 

"Monkey Behavior": A woman who makes sure she has a firm grip on the NEW branch before she lets go of the one shes on.

 

Don't be a chump, Rick!!

 

 

 

I'm very confused and in total despair. I noramlly dont express my feelings to others and to ever post my private problem to IR is something really unthinkable. But I need to find ways to relase myself. Last wednesday my gf told me she would meet her female friend after work. Later I found out that she went to see film and dinner with another man. I tried very hard to hold back my resentment and frustrations and asked my gf about their relationship. She did apologise to me for lying. She didn't want me to misunderstand and that man was just good friend for her. That night was nothing more than a social get-together. She is so aware of my sentivity but on the other hand she doesn't have too many close friends that she enjoys their companship, she would like to carry on as the way it's as long as she knows so well that it's purely relationship. The problem is that man did approach my gf just a while ago. There had been certain development and my gf admitted that she'd almost fallen for him. She assured me not to worry. After much soul searching, she has confirmed I'm her man. She did ask me if I felt really uncomfortable and she could sever all her contact with that man. Out of my respect for her as much as I would expect the same for her, I replied it shouldn't be necessary and she remained the best person to decide how she should handle this. Yet the frequency and the way they continued to see each other really worried me. When i finally revealed to my gf, I saw them going back to her home last Wed, we decided we needed some timeto think for our relationship. I went to another state for 3 days over last weekend for work and the first thing I did on coming back to find a chance to see her. I was in all down and worn during that period time.My heart drove me to the conclusion that all I want from my gf is re-assurance. I also want her to tell me if there is anything I've not done enough and what I should improve. To my dismay, she was so busy with her work over the last couple of days that she didn't seriously think through our relationship. I know she must be very tired with her new product launch and she said she was very fed up with my lack of trust in her. She's become very confused too. The more I asked her about our future the more she felt being pressurised. She isn't comfortable as she feels I've attempted to impose on her lots of constraints. However, she said to me last night that she was sure we're most compatible to each other. I'm the one she's willing to spend her life together in the future. But that's so much over the long term. In the near term, if I ask her to marry me now, she won't go for it. We've been together for almost 6 years. She said she used to be very single hearted and dependent on me; but now she has become very independent and concerned how to protect herself. Her major issue now isn't looking for any life longer partner, it seems she can be a lot happier being alone and independent. That's what she'd like to thin through. She asked me to give her 3 months to settle her mind. But we can still see each other as friend. I really don't understand it and I see it a step back of our relationship. I can't imagine how I behave or what I should do if i continue to see her like this. I explicity asked her if it really meant separation in the light manner. She said she didn't need to do this as she's always a very clear cut person. I was so sad to reply that I didn't like but I would respect her decision.She asked me what would I do in the next 3 months. I told her I'm a human being and I don't know to hide my feelings. I'd probably try my utmost to forget her. And she murmured she couldn't do andything if that was the case. She was very calm throughout the time. Now I'm really angry myself. Have I asked too much for her? Have I screwed up our relationship? I shouldn't knowing anything as long as she's good to me. On the other hand, I'm upset as she doesn' tseem treasure our relationship. Anyway, it's all over and I feel so lonely. I can't concentrate on my work. I don't want to talk to anybody. I just wanna punch in all my feeling here.

[little d]

Hi Rick,

 

I'm 100 and 10% in agreement with BeenThere!

 

I can't see where you did anything wrong except that your letting this girl play you for a complete idiot.

 

"She's very fed up with your lack of trust in her"!! Sounds a whole lot like guilt to me.

 

She's trying to turn things around on you to make herself feel better for ditching you. But, she wants to keep you around a little bit longer just incase. Don't be her scapegoat.

 

You have not asked too much of her!

 

You have not screwed up anything!

 

"shouldn't know anything as long as she is good to me" ??

 

She isn't being good to you!

 

Rick this is what you do:

 

Don't "be her friend" You can't be "friends" the day after a 6 year relationship. Thats called back up! Your too damn good for that!

 

Spend a bit of time feeling sad. But thats not a whole lot of fun now is it?

 

Then you'll feel mad at the world and every female in it. Thats when your healing.

 

Then you realize, I didn't do anything wrong. I'm WAY to good for this and for her!

 

Then you feel like a brand new man and you start picking up the peices and feel like yourself again.

 

Then Miss Right will come and find you and you'll forget ol' whats her name.

 

Trust me!

 

I know it's a lot easier said then done but the writing is on the wall! Stop beating yourself up and things will start to fall into place!

 

I wish you the best of luck

 

d

 

I'm very confused and in total despair. I noramlly dont express my feelings to others and to ever post my private problem to IR is something really unthinkable. But I need to find ways to relase myself. Last wednesday my gf told me she would meet her female friend after work. Later I found out that she went to see film and dinner with another man. I tried very hard to hold back my resentment and frustrations and asked my gf about their relationship. She did apologise to me for lying. She didn't want me to misunderstand and that man was just good friend for her. That night was nothing more than a social get-together. She is so aware of my sentivity but on the other hand she doesn't have too many close friends that she enjoys their companship, she would like to carry on as the way it's as long as she knows so well that it's purely relationship. The problem is that man did approach my gf just a while ago. There had been certain development and my gf admitted that she'd almost fallen for him. She assured me not to worry. After much soul searching, she has confirmed I'm her man. She did ask me if I felt really uncomfortable and she could sever all her contact with that man. Out of my respect for her as much as I would expect the same for her, I replied it shouldn't be necessary and she remained the best person to decide how she should handle this. Yet the frequency and the way they continued to see each other really worried me. When i finally revealed to my gf, I saw them going back to her home last Wed, we decided we needed some timeto think for our relationship. I went to another state for 3 days over last weekend for work and the first thing I did on coming back to find a chance to see her. I was in all down and worn during that period time.My heart drove me to the conclusion that all I want from my gf is re-assurance. I also want her to tell me if there is anything I've not done enough and what I should improve. To my dismay, she was so busy with her work over the last couple of days that she didn't seriously think through our relationship. I know she must be very tired with her new product launch and she said she was very fed up with my lack of trust in her. She's become very confused too. The more I asked her about our future the more she felt being pressurised. She isn't comfortable as she feels I've attempted to impose on her lots of constraints. However, she said to me last night that she was sure we're most compatible to each other. I'm the one she's willing to spend her life together in the future. But that's so much over the long term. In the near term, if I ask her to marry me now, she won't go for it. We've been together for almost 6 years. She said she used to be very single hearted and dependent on me; but now she has become very independent and concerned how to protect herself. Her major issue now isn't looking for any life longer partner, it seems she can be a lot happier being alone and independent. That's what she'd like to thin through. She asked me to give her 3 months to settle her mind. But we can still see each other as friend. I really don't understand it and I see it a step back of our relationship. I can't imagine how I behave or what I should do if i continue to see her like this. I explicity asked her if it really meant separation in the light manner. She said she didn't need to do this as she's always a very clear cut person. I was so sad to reply that I didn't like but I would respect her decision.She asked me what would I do in the next 3 months. I told her I'm a human being and I don't know to hide my feelings. I'd probably try my utmost to forget her. And she murmured she couldn't do andything if that was the case. She was very calm throughout the time. Now I'm really angry myself. Have I asked too much for her? Have I screwed up our relationship? I shouldn't knowing anything as long as she's good to me. On the other hand, I'm upset as she doesn' tseem treasure our relationship. Anyway, it's all over and I feel so lonely. I can't concentrate on my work. I don't want to talk to anybody. I just wanna punch in all my feeling here.