Did he leave? If so what happened - Q for BS's and OW

[No Stress Lady]

I'd be interested (after reading Kechara's post):

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t82507/

 

If you were a BS, did you eventually move on and think (with hindsight) that you were glad he left ?

 

 

If you were the OW did you remain with for a while/are you still with the divorced MM and did it work out? How did your relationship change once you were out of the affair situation?

 

 

Just interested to hear of people's experiences as most of the posts are from BS's whose husbands stayed with them after the affair was discovered or OW who are waiting for the MM to leave.

[Chump64]

Maybe no one can answer this because few (if any) married men actually leave.

 

[No Stress Lady]

Yes - and I wonder how many of the OW/MM relationships last once the whole drama of the affair is over - as the saying goes "Be careful what you wish for because one day you might get it!!!!!"

[Sami_D]

Maybe no one can answer this because few (if any) married men actually leave.

 

 

ffs

 

 

why don't you take a hike to the infidelity forum till youv'e had enough of whacking the OW round the head.

 

BS in Infidelity Forum... looking for answers/ healing

 

BS in OW Forum... still lashing out.

 

get it..?

 

All you're doing right now is hurting other people. Good for you. But here's the NEWS... we're hurting too.

 

To so how about leaving it and getting on with your own problems?

[Chump64]

Sorry Sami. I'll try to keep my trap shut.

 

I hope you find happiness.

[Sami_D]

If you want to see threads from OW whose MM left.. then do a search.

 

That's if you want to know about it...

[My_Other_I]

Hey NSL!

My A is over, but I think that this is a wrong forum to look for you answer. You find people who are heart-broken here. Hardly will you ever read the happy story of either of your scenarios. Perhaps it's because the OW (now SO) are too busy sneaking around on their newly gained men? And the exBS enjoying life to the fullest?

 

After all the drama we continued the A. I was willing to take him with all his baggage and drama (yeah yeah yeah, blind, naive and in love. ugh). Then I saw the lies, went back through the whole time and guess what...MORE LIES! I saw it all and s*it finally hit the fan on my side, too. I don't think he's ever had any intentions of leaving, and I am thankful to be out of it before he did (if he were to that is)

 

My story was so typical! Thought he didn't lie to me (never said he would leave, never said he was unhappy in his M, blah blah), I thought we were perfect together (and therefore he had to leave her, right? ), the biggest love of my life, blah blah. I see Sami_D here still waiting and I sense anger and insecurity, because she subconciously suspects that her story is not different, either, but refuses to give up hope. (I know I will get chewed up for this) I'm so glad these times are over! Now I have hope for a better and REAL relationship.

I don't know if that answered any of your questions....?

[kechara]

Yep, I think we OW are eternally hopeful, until, like me, every last positive part of you is so burned out from all of the drama, that you finally give it up.

 

MOI, don't think Sami will come down on you. She has a right to be hopeful, and I hope to God that things do work out for her, even though the lessons I have learned on this site for the last two years tell me that the chances are slim.

 

No, I haven't heard of this working out for anyone. I've seen posters on this site who proclaimed jubilantly that it had worked out for them, only to find out months down the road that something went awry.

 

Funny, after 2 years of drama, I can't even tell if I even like him any more. I think of him from a little bit of a distance, and I think, "God, what a loser."

 

Of course, I'll get hit an hour later by a big wave of grief, but- Such is Life!

[No Stress Lady]

Hey NSL!

My A is over, but I think that this is a wrong forum to look for you answer. You find people who are heart-broken here. Hardly will you ever read the happy story of either of your scenarios. Perhaps it's because the OW (now SO) are too busy sneaking around on their newly gained men? And the exBS enjoying life to the fullest?

 

After all the drama we continued the A. I was willing to take him with all his baggage and drama (yeah yeah yeah, blind, naive and in love. ugh). Then I saw the lies, went back through the whole time and guess what...MORE LIES! I saw it all and s*it finally hit the fan on my side, too. I don't think he's ever had any intentions of leaving, and I am thankful to be out of it before he did (if he were to that is)

 

My story was so typical! Thought he didn't lie to me (never said he would leave, never said he was unhappy in his M, blah blah), I thought we were perfect together (and therefore he had to leave her, right? ), the biggest love of my life, blah blah. I see Sami_D here still waiting and I sense anger and insecurity, because she subconciously suspects that her story is not different, either, but refuses to give up hope. (I know I will get chewed up for this) I'm so glad these times are over! Now I have hope for a better and REAL relationship.

I don't know if that answered any of your questions....?

 

Hi MOI! Glad to hear things are looking positive for you

 

Yes it maybe is the wrong forum - I just thought that maybe some people DID have stories that differed from the usual depressing ones - doesn't seem like they do so far.........

[My_Other_I]

Hi MOI! Glad to hear things are looking positive for you

 

Yes it maybe is the wrong forum - I just thought that maybe some people DID have stories that differed from the usual depressing ones - doesn't seem like they do so far.........

I remember a couple of girls on LS who said they had 'their' men at home with them. I haven't heard anything in a long time though. I wonder what happened there? There was also a story of a couple who went to counceling prior to moving in together. That one looked promising. It was a MW/MM story and the lady sounded delightful.

Now I am all curious about what happened there

[My_Other_I]

Funny, after 2 years of drama, I can't even tell if I even like him any more. I think of him from a little bit of a distance, and I think, "God, what a loser."

 

Of course, I'll get hit an hour later by a big wave of grief, but- Such is Life!

 

Great attitude! You seem to be on your way, I hope you feel better soon!

 

And don't get me wrong, I am not attacking Sami_D, I just see some things in her posts that worry me. I'm not trying to take her hope or anything else away from her. I hope her situation works out, too!

[newbby]

old europe has a great and positive story, and probably a few good tips too.

[My_Other_I]

I just read a thread on another forum where the OW is now married to the married man and is very happy. She didn't say how long they've been married or what it took for them to get there, but there are successful stories out there!

I don't know if that makes any difference, but they were both over 45 when it all happened. Perhaps maturity has more to do with it? She also mentioned that her MM decided himself that he didn't want to have a W and a GF and took care of the mess himself. That's a bit different from the stories here where the men have million excuses why they can't leave, where, in fact, they just choose not to leave.

[scarletletter]

I know I am going to get a thrashing from those who have been hurt in this forum but here it goes...I am so happy with my MM that I cannot be any happier. I like things just the way they are right now even though I would love to see him more. He is 45 and I am 39 so we are old enough to handle the stress of it all. I have never loved anyone like this but I would never tell him that. I play it cool, don't call him and beg him to see me, don't pressure him about anything. We make the absolute most out of the time we have together and try not to dwell on the time we spend apart. We both want to be together and I have a good feeling that we will in the future. If we don't, I will survive, I will go on and live my life knowing what real love is. There are not a lot of happy endings in here but I am not wanting a happy ending....I just want the present time to be wonderful, which it is. I refuse to worry about things that I have no control over. If we end up together..I will be the luckiest woman alive. If we don't, I will still be the lucky one to have had him for the time that I did.

[Walking away]

Okay, here goes. A long, long time ago...like 15 years ago, I had an affair in my marriage. He was married, so was I. It lasted for two years and we produced a child together. My husband found out about the affair just by a fluke, and, he, in turn, called my MM's wife. Needless to say, I separated from my husband immediately. I never blamed him, took all the responsibility for my actions. We did a paternity test and found that not only was my daughter from the affair, she was even born on his birthday. I proceeded with a divorce...which, by the way ended amicably because I took full responsibility for my actions and made amends for the damage I had done. He divorced his wife and pursued me, but the funny thing was, I could see, after it was all said and done, that too many people would continually be hurt as a result of the affair. That MM has since remarried, however, he is a wonderful father to my child and I have a wonderful relationship with him. He tells me he would marry me today if I would have him, but, unfortunately, I didn't realize it until we were separated and divorced, how much damage we had caused. I was 25 years old when this happened. So, to answer the question....we COULD have ended up together, but I ended up walking away from the relationship once I was free to pursue it. Had I stifled the guilt, I probably would have married him. As it is, we are wonderful friends and great parents to my daughter. A terrible situation turned into a blessing for my daughter. BTW, my ex husband and I get along very well. We are very close friends, just couldn't be married, I guess.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Okay, here goes. A long, long time ago...like 15 years ago, I had an affair in my marriage. He was married, so was I. It lasted for two years and we produced a child together. My husband found out about the affair just by a fluke, and, he, in turn, called my MM's wife. Needless to say, I separated from my husband immediately. I never blamed him, took all the responsibility for my actions. We did a paternity test and found that not only was my daughter from the affair, she was even born on his birthday. I proceeded with a divorce...which, by the way ended amicably because I took full responsibility for my actions and made amends for the damage I had done. He divorced his wife and pursued me, but the funny thing was, I could see, after it was all said and done, that too many people would continually be hurt as a result of the affair. That MM has since remarried, however, he is a wonderful father to my child and I have a wonderful relationship with him. He tells me he would marry me today if I would have him, but, unfortunately, I didn't realize it until we were separated and divorced, how much damage we had caused. I was 25 years old when this happened. So, to answer the question....we COULD have ended up together, but I ended up walking away from the relationship once I was free to pursue it. Had I stifled the guilt, I probably would have married him. As it is, we are wonderful friends and great parents to my daughter. A terrible situation turned into a blessing for my daughter. BTW, my ex husband and I get along very well. We are very close friends, just couldn't be married, I guess.

 

Great success story, WalkingAway. Thanks for sharing. I am also married and in love with another MM. We haven't had sex (only the lighter stuffs), but I think about my MM alot. Many, many days, I would think about divorcing my H and marry my MM (if he'd divorce his W). But your story makes me doubt that will ever happen.

 

Why did you let the guilt prevent you from marrying your MM, whom you obviously loved, right? Why couldn't you get past the guilt? And what is stopping you from marrying him "today"? If you can answer those questions for me, I would be forever grateful. I am only 32 years old, and I don't have any experience in falling in love with another man. I married my H when I was 23 and he was the first person I was intimate with. I have not kissed anyone else besides my H and my MM.

[Walking away]

Great success story, WalkingAway. Thanks for sharing. I am also married and in love with another MM. We haven't had sex (only the lighter stuffs), but I think about my MM alot. Many, many days, I would think about divorcing my H and marry my MM (if he'd divorce his W). But your story makes me doubt that will ever happen.

 

Why did you let the guilt prevent you from marrying your MM, whom you obviously loved, right? Why couldn't you get past the guilt? And what is stopping you from marrying him "today"? If you can answer those questions for me, I would be forever grateful. I am only 32 years old, and I don't have any experience in falling in love with another man. I married my H when I was 23 and he was the first person I was intimate with. I have not kissed anyone else besides my H and my MM.

 

I loved him all those years ago, but two things happened to me back then. My husband begged me to not end up with him. He said he could handle me with anyone but the MM...said it was too painful for him to know that our children (we had two children together and then I had the third child as a product of the affair) would be around him forever...Also, my mother told me that if I ended up with the MM, my brothers and sisters would have nothing to do with me. Alot of pressure for a young woman. I married my husband when I was 20. My husband was 21. We were young...too young, I suppose. I was a virgin until I was engaged to my husband, so the affair was the only other sexual experience I had.

Why won't I marry him today? My love for him has been changed to the love that I have for him as the father of my child. He has since remarried and I like his new wife very much. His ex-wife, however, even to this day, hates my guts. His children from the marriage during our affair have accepted my daughter, as have his siblings and mother. (His father passed away shortly after the affair became public.) He professes to love me to this day...says he would leave his new wife in a second to marry me, but time has changed my feelings even though they are warm and loving towards him. He will always be a very important person in my life, but we were not destined to be together. Too much stress and heartache for those involved all those years ago.

[Walking away]

If you are wondering, I am forty years old now.

[serial muse]

Wow. I'm not judging you, Walking away, because it sounds like once the affair ended, you did what you could to control the damage as maturely as possible.

 

But I confess that this:

 

He has since remarried and I like his new wife very much....He professes to love me to this day...says he would leave his new wife in a second to marry me

 

makes me very sad for your MM's new wife. That's pretty harsh for her, and honestly, it doesn't sound like the basis for a stable marriage. It's really a shame; his new wife deserves better than that, I'm sure. She shouldn't have to settle for that. I wonder if she knows what she's up against.

[Walking away]

Wow. I'm not judging you, Walking away, because it sounds like once the affair ended, you did what you could to control the damage as maturely as possible.

 

But I confess that this:

 

 

 

makes me very sad for your MM's new wife. That's pretty harsh for her, and honestly, it doesn't sound like the basis for a stable marriage. It's really a shame; his new wife deserves better than that, I'm sure. She shouldn't have to settle for that. I wonder if she knows what she's up against.

 

I think she does deep down inside. He has told me that she senses a distance in him from time to time. Although she is very nice to me and kind to our daughter, he tells me that she fears he will leave her for me. That will never happen, however. I am not interested in that type of relationship with him. I am sure she, at times, feels like a second choice. And he has stated that she had said so much at times. Sad, really. She is a super neat lady and I would never harm her. He is a very successful man, eight years older than me, and I wonder if I am the classic case of wanting "what you can't have." Who knows?

[Guest]

I think we are all a case of "wanting what we can't have"...(atleast this OW is)....I find it amazing to look back at the very moment everything went from friends to affair. I had thoughts quite often (prior to affair) of wanting my MM...but knew he was not mine to have. When he made the first move, I didnt back away.....but life would be a lot easier if I would have. (That was 3 years ago.)

 

 

The W's here want OW's advice on what MM talk about and what MM think when they are with OW's....but W's know that (atleast in my situation....) we wish we could go to you for the advice .... we are the one's wanting what you have been so lucky to have for so many years. You are the one he goes home to every night and who you sees you every morning. I wish for that kind of thing.

 

Please do not take offense to any of this (I am working on getting out of a relation with a MM....It's the hardest thing I've ever done.)....... in this OW's eyes, it doesnt matter what MM and I could do together because it only lasts for the moment.

 

MM rarely leave W's....there is a reason for that..... that's where the true connection is......that's where their life is.....

[My_Other_I]

Hey Walking!

That's a touching story. I feel for both of you, his wife and you. I have a question, and I hope you don't take it the wrong way.

I noticed that this is not the first time you've been involved with a MM. After the first time, did you tell yourself that you would never get involved with a MM again? If so, how did you feel when you did? And what are your thoughts now?

Thanks

MOI

[serial muse]

I think she does deep down inside. He has told me that she senses a distance in him from time to time. Although she is very nice to me and kind to our daughter, he tells me that she fears he will leave her for me. That will never happen, however. I am not interested in that type of relationship with him. I am sure she, at times, feels like a second choice. And he has stated that she had said so much at times. Sad, really. She is a super neat lady and I would never harm her. He is a very successful man, eight years older than me, and I wonder if I am the classic case of wanting "what you can't have." Who knows?

 

That certainly sounds like a possibility. Ah, well. I wish that he were being as clear-eyed and mature about your relationship as you have been. For one thing, it's really unkind of him to be confessing his feelings about her and about you to you. That's just undermining their relationship further. Seeing as he wanted to marry the woman, he really could try at least to focus his attention on her.

 

Anyway, if she is indeed sensing this distance and knows the reason behind it, perhaps she herself will come to see she can do better. No offense intended to the ex-MM, but I sure hope so. It's such a waste.

 

sorry.../thread hijack.

[Walking away]

Hey Walking!

That's a touching story. I feel for both of you, his wife and you. I have a question, and I hope you don't take it the wrong way.

I noticed that this is not the first time you've been involved with a MM. After the first time, did you tell yourself that you would never get involved with a MM again? If so, how did you feel when you did? And what are your thoughts now?

Thanks

MOI

 

You are correct. After the affair was over all those years ago, I swore that I would never put myself or my children through that situation again. And, up until six months ago, I held true to my word. This situation is an entirely different situation. I am no longer married. I am single and available, and he is obviously married. I did not know that he was married when I started seeing him, and when he confessed his marital status, I was deeply involved emotionally. I was heartbroken and devastated at the fact. I had sworn to never ever do this thing again, and I found myself involved. This time has been much harder on me, believe it or not. I have internally torn myself up and have suffered much as this type of affair is not "balanced." I am able to be free and pursue a future with someone, but my MM is not. I am walking away from him, however, it is a very difficult and slow process for me. My thoughts on affairs....I cannot judge anyone because I was given such forgiveness for my errant ways all those years ago. I understand the pull of an affair, and I understand the pain that goes with it. My conscience is tattered and torn due to this latest development in my life. Never in a million years would I have thought this is where I would be right now. But, I survived that mess all those years ago, and I am much wiser and stronger and mature now, so I know that my sensibility will ultimately win out and good will come out of this situation also.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Well, to answer the question posted by thread, I'd be in the "failed" category. I don't think that I will ever end up with my MM, as my MM said, "it's impossible." I understand the reasons why - too many people hurt, too many lifestyle changes, etc.... My MM is actually my H's bestfriend, and he cannot "steal" his bestfriend's wife, so to speak.

 

Thanks for answering my questions, WalkingAway. Like you and your exMM, he and I may be too consumed with guilt to enjoy each other even if we were to leave our spouses. I really wish that I can get over my MM, though. You were one tough cookie!!