He wants to end the relationship

[Lisa]

My bf and I have been together for 10 months. For the most part, the relationship has gone well, and we are both happy.

 

Then just last weekend a friend I've known for almost 15 years came into town for 5 days. This girl is somewhat of a party girl, and really enjoys nights out at the bar drinking.

 

Anyway, my bf came out with my friend & I last Friday night to a club in our city. The night went well and we'd all had a good time, but as the bar was closing, 2 guys that my friend had met there and spent the evening talking with invited her to an 'after hours' bar. So, she really wanted to go, but I really wanted to just go home. I have no interest in going to these places whatsoever. And my boyfriend was really tired, he'd been up since really early that morning and just wanted to go home too. But she wouldn't agree to just coming home with us, and tried really hard to get us to change our minds. Then she said she'd just go with these 2 guys by herself.

 

My friend has a history of not making good decisions when she's been drinking. Once, about 4 years ago, when we were both still living in the city where we grew up, we were out at a bar celebrating the last day of writing finals, and when it was getting late & I wanted to go home, she did the same thing and said she'd stay there by herself, and I could just go ahead home by myself. She assured me she'd be fine. She was raped by 4 men that night, and since then has on several occasions made comments placing blame on me for leaving her that night. But I HAD to leave that night - I'm a single mom & I had to go relieve my babysitter&staying hadn't been an option for me.

 

So, now I didn't want history repeating itself. So I went to the after-hours bar with her, not wanting something to happen to her. She was in a strange city where she doesn't know her way around, going to some after hours bar with 2 guys she just met. I didn't even know how she'd be able to get home. And I didn't think my bf would be upset. He told me to go ahead, & call him when we were leaving. Then we could come pick him up at his house on the way to my place.

 

Well, now he is not speaking to me. He's told me it's over, I made a choice, and I chose her, not him. I believe I made the wrong decision now too, because although I wanted to protect my friend, I have to realize she's a big girl, (she's 25, I'm 26), and can take care of herself. I just did not want something to happen to her and end up feeling that once again I could have prevented it. My bf was once in a really long relationship, (almost 10 years) when he found out his girlfriend was cheating on him with his best friend. He has HUGE trust issues because of this.

 

I am so upset that I am now going to lose him over a stupid choice I made. And I'm angry with my friend for putting me in this position in the first place. I spoke to him last night & he just kept telling me to put myself in his shoes, how would I feel if he'd treated me this way, etc. I know I made the wrong decision, but how can I make him understand the reason I did? Can I save this relationship or is it too late?

[Tony T]

You didn't lose him over a stupid choice you made. You lost him because his is simply too stupid for you. Any man who would end a great relationship over one mistake, which is really debatable, is way too sorry to be in a relationship at all.

 

You are a lucky lady to be without him.

 

Relationships require two people who are open minded and forgiving or they will not survive together. Now, if you were some kind of slut who did this all the time, you would have it coming. But you made this decision, just one time, and while you may feel now it was the wrong decision, it is very definitely defendable and you had very good intentions. I think most good friends would have done the same thing under the circumstances. I think I would have made the same decision.

 

It wasn't a matter of picking her over your boyfriend. It was a matter of you having genuine concern for your friend. That's certainly the kind of friends I want in my life.

 

I know this hurts but you are worlds better off without this jerk. It's HIS great loss for losing someone with such great consideration for the welfare of a friend. You can tell him his attitude is way off mark, he isn't worth having, and he can kiss my butt!!!

 

It won't take you long to find someone a whole lot better. Don't be angry with your friend. She did you a MAJOR favor by showing you just how immature, judgemental, and unforgiving a man you were with. That's worth a lot in my book!

 

You did what you felt was right and you have to live with yourself. You may not see what I am saying clearly now but print this out. In time, you will see the light.

[BeenThere]

First of all, don't blame your friend. Your friend (however unstable) did not put you in this position...you did. The fact that your boyfriend did not stop you from leaving the bar with your friend and two guys did not mean that he approved...he was mearly giving you the space, as an adult, to make your own decisions. Was he testing you?...who knows. But I admire his integrity. His ability to handle the situation as rationally as he did must be attributed to to the fact that he's been through alot and has learned some very valuable lessons.

 

I think you had yourself a good guy here, and I sincerely hope you get a second chance. Maybe next time, you'll act a little wiser and avoid another situation like this.

 

Good Luck!

My bf and I have been together for 10 months. For the most part, the relationship has gone well, and we are both happy. Then just last weekend a friend I've known for almost 15 years came into town for 5 days. This girl is somewhat of a party girl, and really enjoys nights out at the bar drinking.

 

Anyway, my bf came out with my friend & I last Friday night to a club in our city. The night went well and we'd all had a good time, but as the bar was closing, 2 guys that my friend had met there and spent the evening talking with invited her to an 'after hours' bar. So, she really wanted to go, but I really wanted to just go home. I have no interest in going to these places whatsoever. And my boyfriend was really tired, he'd been up since really early that morning and just wanted to go home too. But she wouldn't agree to just coming home with us, and tried really hard to get us to change our minds. Then she said she'd just go with these 2 guys by herself. My friend has a history of not making good decisions when she's been drinking. Once, about 4 years ago, when we were both still living in the city where we grew up, we were out at a bar celebrating the last day of writing finals, and when it was getting late & I wanted to go home, she did the same thing and said she'd stay there by herself, and I could just go ahead home by myself. She assured me she'd be fine. She was raped by 4 men that night, and since then has on several occasions made comments placing blame on me for leaving her that night. But I HAD to leave that night - I'm a single mom & I had to go relieve my babysitter&staying hadn't been an option for me. So, now I didn't want history repeating itself. So I went to the after-hours bar with her, not wanting something to happen to her. She was in a strange city where she doesn't know her way around, going to some after hours bar with 2 guys she just met. I didn't even know how she'd be able to get home. And I didn't think my bf would be upset. He told me to go ahead, & call him when we were leaving. Then we could come pick him up at his house on the way to my place. Well, now he is not speaking to me. He's told me it's over, I made a choice, and I chose her, not him. I believe I made the wrong decision now too, because although I wanted to protect my friend, I have to realize she's a big girl, (she's 25, I'm 26), and can take care of herself. I just did not want something to happen to her and end up feeling that once again I could have prevented it. My bf was once in a really long relationship, (almost 10 years) when he found out his girlfriend was cheating on him with his best friend. He has HUGE trust issues because of this. I am so upset that I am now going to lose him over a stupid choice I made. And I'm angry with my friend for putting me in this position in the first place. I spoke to him last night & he just kept telling me to put myself in his shoes, how would I feel if he'd treated me this way, etc. I know I made the wrong decision, but how can I make him understand the reason I did? Can I save this relationship or is it too late?

[Lisa]

Thanks Tony,

 

I know you're probably right - I just can't understand how he reacted the way he did...even after me explaining my reasons for wanting to stay with her. I know I am better off without him, but this is the longest & most serious relationship I've been in. It's going to take me a long time to get over this hurt...

 

Lisa

You didn't lose him over a stupid choice you made. You lost him because his is simply too stupid for you. Any man who would end a great relationship over one mistake, which is really debatable, is way too sorry to be in a relationship at all. You are a lucky lady to be without him. Relationships require two people who are open minded and forgiving or they will not survive together. Now, if you were some kind of slut who did this all the time, you would have it coming. But you made this decision, just one time, and while you may feel now it was the wrong decision, it is very definitely defendable and you had very good intentions. I think most good friends would have done the same thing under the circumstances. I think I would have made the same decision. It wasn't a matter of picking her over your boyfriend. It was a matter of you having genuine concern for your friend. That's certainly the kind of friends I want in my life. I know this hurts but you are worlds better off without this jerk. It's HIS great loss for losing someone with such great consideration for the welfare of a friend. You can tell him his attitude is way off mark, he isn't worth having, and he can kiss my butt!!! It won't take you long to find someone a whole lot better. Don't be angry with your friend. She did you a MAJOR favor by showing you just how immature, judgemental, and unforgiving a man you were with. That's worth a lot in my book!

 

You did what you felt was right and you have to live with yourself. You may not see what I am saying clearly now but print this out. In time, you will see the light.

[Lisa]

Hi Been There...thanks for replying.

 

I just wanted to ask though, how you can say that my friend didn't put me in this position? I wouldn't have felt the need to stay with her if she didn't have the history she does...the scenario 4 years ago was very similar, with her wanting to stay while I had to leave, and then when something horrible happened, she blamed me.

 

And how did I put myself in this position? By choosing to spend an evening out with my boyfriend & my friend?

 

Lisa

 

First of all, don't blame your friend. Your friend (however unstable) did not put you in this position...you did. The fact that your boyfriend did not stop you from leaving the bar with your friend and two guys did not mean that he approved...he was mearly giving you the space, as an adult, to make your own decisions. Was he testing you?...who knows. But I admire his integrity. His ability to handle the situation as rationally as he did must be attributed to to the fact that he's been through alot and has learned some very valuable lessons. I think you had yourself a good guy here, and I sincerely hope you get a second chance. Maybe next time, you'll act a little wiser and avoid another situation like this. Good Luck!

[Dragonflys]

Hi Lisa

 

I think you are the victim in this current situation. Your boyfriend should be much more understanding of why you went with you friend, and the fact he is such a crybaby over it suggests he's not much in terms of relationship material.

 

I think you made the RIGHT decision.

 

But I also think that you should not use guilt or feel you owe something for not going with your friend. It is OK if you went out of genuine concern for her being in a strange city and the like, and being a good friend, but you should you in no way feel guilty for what happened to her back then. If she had have been hit by a bus crossing the road would that have been your fault aswell?.

 

Talk to your bf, and if he doesn't understand you went because you care for you friend and that he can have you most other nights, then I seriously doubt he will make you happy in the long run.

 

Good luck

 

Oliver

[BeenThere]

First off, what kind of "friend" would blame you for a bad decision she made herself? It's not your fault what happened to her that fated night. If you had been with her, what's to say the same wouldn't have happened to you?

 

And now...some time later, the same scenerio repeats itself. You couldn't convince her to go home four years ago...and the two of you couldn't convince her to go home that night. Obviously, this adult (and I use the term loosely)is going to do whatever the hell she wants irregardless of who she puts at risk...even you.

 

I don't know whether you had already filled your boyfriend in on your past situation with your friend. I imagine if you had, he may have already had some misgivings about this person. Especially if he knew she had placed blame on you for what happened. No real friend lays that kind of guilt on a person. And I imagine, if this were the case, he wouldn't have been too fond of this "friend" to begin with. Unfortuneatly without his side of the story, its hard to tell what he was thinking when he saw the whole thing going down. You wanted to go home--he wanted to go home--but "party girl" didn't because there were two men she was interested in. And yes, your boyfriend was probably angry that you allow your friend to manipulate you into going with them. And yes, upset that you left with two guys.

 

I know my response isn't what you were hoping to hear. But personally I can't pat you on the back for this one. I don't feel we can be forced into "positions" unless we allow ourselves. It might be best for you to shed the guilt she's laid on you all these years and choose your friends more wisely. One's that have your well being at heart, and won't lead you into such precarious predicaments.

 

And please remember, this is only ONE person's opinion. And opinions are like a**holes...we all have one!

Hi Been There...thanks for replying. I just wanted to ask though, how you can say that my friend didn't put me in this position? I wouldn't have felt the need to stay with her if she didn't have the history she does...the scenario 4 years ago was very similar, with her wanting to stay while I had to leave, and then when something horrible happened, she blamed me.

 

And how did I put myself in this position? By choosing to spend an evening out with my boyfriend & my friend? Lisa