understanding my Mom's Affair

[BeFree]

Hi,

 

I have read a few post in this thread and I am wondering if any of you can offer me some insight.

 

My Mother is nearly 60 years old. When My dad left us and married the woman he had had an affair with for 10 + years, my mom became extremely bitter. She started down a road that nearly 15 years later has not ended. Married man after married man. She goes after them like they were hunting trophies. Spends a couple of years trying to get them to leave their wives and then gives up and moves on to the next one.

 

She claims she doesn't want them to marry her or live with her, but then complains that they can't see her on the weekends. She acts like she is just in it for sex, but is obviously sad.

 

She goes into detail with my sisters and I. We try to tell her that we don't want to hear about it, but she does not stop. She tells us that all men cheat and that these men like her because she gives the BJ's and their wives don't have sex with them anymore. She basically tells us that if we don't blow our men, they will cheat.

 

It is so depressing to me. She is driving a huge wedge between her and my sisters.

 

So now my questions:

 

1) Do you really think that these MM go out with her because their wives don't give it up any more?

 

2) Have you ever had any one tell you to stop telling them about your affair and if so how did it make you feel?

 

3) Do all men cheat?

 

4) Could she really be feeling that she does not want more from them, or is she just covering up the pain?

 

5) Do OW/OM sometimes seek out MM or MW, or is my mom the exception?

 

Please, I hope I have not offended anyone with this post.

 

I read the post about the woman who said the Man's Wife had gotten frumpy. That woman sounded like my mom (except for the wanting to have his baby) It made me realize after reading all the responses that my mom may be really off.

[kpin124]

my mom became extremely bitter. She started down a road that nearly 15 years later has not ended. Married man after married man. She goes after them like they were hunting trophies. Spends a couple of years trying to get them to leave their wives and then gives up and moves on to the next one.

 

 

So now my questions:

 

1) Do you really think that these MM go out with her because their wives don't give it up any more?

 

2) Have you ever had any one tell you to stop telling them about your affair and if so how did it make you feel?

 

3) Do all men cheat?

 

4) Could she really be feeling that she does not want more from them, or is she just covering up the pain?

 

5) Do OW/OM sometimes seek out MM or MW, or is my mom the exception?

 

 

wow i don't know i am very sorry that your mom is acting this way and i cam imagine how hard this must be on you.... it does sound like your mom is extremly bitter and may just be taking out all her anger on the wrong person by having the a with a mm she might think she is getting back at your father when really she is only hurting the w of that mm and you and your sister as well as herself.....

 

has your mother ever seeked counceling since your father left??

 

now for your questions

 

1. chances are these mm probably do go out with her because they aren't getting it at home or they aren't getting enough at home....

 

2. i have never had anyone stop telling me about my a because i dont tell anyone... it is safer that way

 

3. i don't think that all men cheat..... i think that all men can cheat but they don't all act on the feelings... i think all men look and flirt and have fantasy about what it would be like with her but no they don't all cheat

 

4. i don't know about this one... it sounds like she is very angry with your father still so she very well might not want anything more from these men i mean why would she they might do the same thing to here that your father did this way is safer for her she is the ow and she can call the shots

 

5. i don't think your mom is the exception i think this happens more than you think......

 

hope some of this helps and i would try to get your mom into some counceling.... i think it could help her.

[BeFree]

Thanks for your reply. I think we have all asked my mom to get help. Unfortunately she thinks she is completely normal and does not need any. being that we are all adults, all I can do is recomend it. Any time I really bring it up seriously, she gets mad and won't speak to me for a couple of days.

 

These MM who cheat because they don't get any at home, do they tell their wifes they need more?

 

It is so scary to me, what my mom is basically telling my sisters and I is that this is going to happen to all of us.

 

She also says that children ruin marriages, is this true?

 

Do more MM with Children cheat? Is it because the wives become more involved with the children and can't focus soely on the Husband?

 

Maybe this is why I am 32 and not married. Maybe I am the scared one. ugh.

[scarletletter]

Honestly, your story was hard to read. I cannot believe that your mother tells you about blow jobs and sex with her MM. She may be a little bit correct in what she says about the men not getting what they want at home (sexually), but usually it is more than that. I just wonder if they treat your mother with any kind of respect at all. She is wrong to tell you that your marriage will fail because of this. Please don't listen to that. Many people have happy, loving marriages with no problems at all. You just have to find the right person. I would definately tell my mom that I don't want to hear about her escapades in the sack. It is not only wrong but it is on the verge of being really disturbing. I don't know if any amount of counseling would help her. But getting involved with a MM just for sex is not a smart thing to do. If they really cared about her, it would be way more than sex.

[BeFree]

Was my post really hard to read? Geez, I guess this situation was worse than I thought.. Even though I am an adult, it really makes me ill to hear my mom go into detail about her Encounters. She doesn't really have any female freinds so she puts me in a postion as her freind instead of her daughter. She gets really upset when I tell her to stop telling me these things, or she just laughs it off and keeps going.

 

Worse than having to listen to this, is her constant painful remarks about how we will lose our husbands if we don't blow them or keep them satisfied, and how children will ruin our mariages, etc. As the years go on, she gets worse.

 

Sorry my post was hard to read. Thanks for your reply.

[kitten chick]

I wish I could answer more of your questions but I don't know as much about the OW/MM dynamic.

 

I think your mom is probably hurt more than you can imagine. Some people never get over these things. It is a huge betrayal in trust to have your spouse cheat on you. (mind you, I've never been married before and haven't experienced this) It's very inappropriate for her to go through the explicit details of her sexual life with you, especially if you and your sisters have asked her not to. It's hard to watch someone you know go through this downward spiral. Is she open to counceling at all? Does she know how much she is hurting you and your sisters?

 

I have some trust issues myself BeFree. It's really hard for me to believe that men don't cheat because I've had it happen to me twice and I see it happen with my friends constantly. BUT, I have had one other long term relationship where there was no cheating on either of our parts. My parents have been married for 35 years and there has been no infidelity. My sister is in a relationship where nobody has cheated. It's kind of sad that those are the only examples I can come up with but even so, it means that it's possible to have a relationship without infidelity. (also, hanging around here reading about infidelity will NOT help you get passed these issues.)

 

I guess what you have to know is that some men (or women for that matter) will cheat on their spouses but even so, if it does happen to you, your life will go on. Not everyone has as strong a reaction as your mother. Most people live their lives after the betrayal.

[scarletletter]

It really sounds as if you and your mother are almost in a role reversal. Clearly, you are the mature responsible one. Be a happy person and don't dwell on what she says too much. Hopefully, one day you will have a child of your own and then you will know for sure that there is no way that a child can ruin anything...(except 8 hours sleep a night lol). They are truly a gift from God and while they will change your life in so many ways, all the things that mattered to you before, will not matter so much. Live your life the way that you know is right for you and enjoy every minute of it. I really feel sorry for your mother because she will surely live her elder years very lonely. It is then that she will know that children are everything and she will depend on you more than ever. A child will be your best friend and the only REAL thing in your life. She/he will also be there when it is your time to leave this Earth holding your hand.....just as you and your sister will be for your mother (not the mm she is having great sex with). Good luck.

[BeFree]

Funny thing is I really don't think my boyfreind, who I plan to spend the rest of my life with, would ever cheat. My fear only comes up when my mom start talking.

 

We tried to get her to go to counseling a few years ago, but finally gave up. My mom reads all these books "sex and the seasoned woman." and then uses them to justify not wanting to get married. She usally quotes them when she is feeling sad that her current MM hasn't called her over the weekend.

[ruredy]

You don't want a one word answer, do you? I've got comment if that helps. I'd say the men are for self esteem, plus hot sex is fun at any age, I know that doesn't help your situation much but it might help her get through the day. Thing is, people you love don't always say and do what you want. At the end of the day she's your mum, so ignor her crappy advice, support her when she's down,and keep loving the person you know she is!

[Blind Illusion]

I am wondering if maybe your Mom is really attempting to punish your father and the OW he married by going after these men and attempting to do the same thing. It's almost as if, maybe, on a subconscious level, she wants to cause another marriage the same pain that she was caused. I think if one of these men did leave, she believes she will be vindicated in some strange way.

 

JUST An idea, anyhow. Obviously I don't know your Mom. Therapy is always good but if she is anything like my own mom, she won't go.

[Becoming]

You might want to check out the book Emotional Incest because this is about what your Mom is doing.

 

If something someone is doing makes you uncomfortable, you have the right to say so and have your requests for the behavior to stop honored.

 

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Your mom's grief over losing her H has gone psychotic.

[BeFree]

I am wondering if maybe your Mom is really attempting to punish your father and the OW he married by going after these men and attempting to do the same thing. It's almost as if, maybe, on a subconscious level, she wants to cause another marriage the same pain that she was caused. I think if one of these men did leave, she believes she will be vindicated in some strange way.

 

JUST An idea, anyhow. Obviously I don't know your Mom. Therapy is always good but if she is anything like my own mom, she won't go.

 

i deffinately think my mom is doing this to get back at my dad. Even if she does not know it. I would love her to get therapy but she won't even except that she has an issue.

[BeFree]

You might want to check out the book Emotional Incest because this is about what your Mom is doing.

 

If something someone is doing makes you uncomfortable, you have the right to say so and have your requests for the behavior to stop honored. )

 

I am going to look into this Becoming.

 

The whole thing has gotten even worse. My sister and her husband are trying to get pregnant. My sister would like to be a stay at home mom. My mother told my sister that she will be worthless and have nothing to talk to her husband about if she does not work. She said he will have an affair with a woman he finds more interesting that does not have children. My poor sister is so upset. My sisters H wants kids so bad and loves my sister and would never have the desire to be with any one else. My mom is going to destroy this happy time in my sisters life.

[BeFree]

You don't want a one word answer, do you? I've got comment if that helps. I'd say the men are for self esteem, plus hot sex is fun at any age, I know that doesn't help your situation much but it might help her get through the day. Thing is, people you love don't always say and do what you want. At the end of the day she's your mum, so ignor her crappy advice, support her when she's down,and keep loving the person you know she is!

 

So you wouldn't mind if your mom told you the details of the last guy she f'd and how they do it in the tub?

 

What if your mom told you, that your worthless in your partners eyes unless you do exactly as she does?

[brightskies]

Hi BeFree,

 

Does your mother live a very isolated lifestyle, other than her affairs? Is there any way to get her involved with more healthy friendships with people her age? She needs a peer group other than you and your sister.

 

Your mom's obviously in pain, but what she's doing to you and your sister is terrible. It sounds like she not only resents your father, but also you and your sister -- her children -- for "ruining her marriage." You haven't expounded on this point very much, but this must be incredibly painful to hear.

 

A few years ago I found out that my father and mother were having very serious domestic problems, with one of the causes being my dad's infidelity. Being an "adult" now, my mom took me into her confidence and she took every opportunity to hate monger and back stab my father. I don't condone what he did. In fact, I became very angry with him and depressed when I found out about his affair.

 

But what she was doing hurt me because I still love my dad. I had to put my foot down and tell her that I love them both and would not be forced to choose sides. That the issue was between the 2 of them and it wasn't right to involve their children. It sounds harsh, but I said I wouldn't speak with her again until she stopped. And she did, eventually. Perhaps you might consider interacting with her on a more limited conversational basis? Set some rules? I know it sounds like you're treating her like she's a 5 yr. old, but at this point she's behaving like one -- she's hurt and wants everyone else around her to know it and to suffer as well.

 

My point is, she's your mother, and she does deserve your respect and support. But you still have to re-establish your boundaries with her. She may or many not be doing this to you and your sister purposely, but it's clearly very damaging and she has to stop. She needs to respect you and your sister, too.

 

Like your mother, mine's stubborn and still refuses to go to therapy. I continue to encourage her to get help, if at least to have a more objective ear to talk to. She hasn't seen a therapist yet, but the beat goes on. I've done some things in my life that were very self-destructive, and in the end no one except myself could convince me to stop. But my friends' encouragement to get counseling was a huge plus. They weren't pushy or mean about it, just supportive. Therapy isn't magic; but it does help you clear your head so you can figure things out.

 

Your mother is "acting out," and until she realizes how she's destroying herself as well as you and your sister, she'll keep going down this path. It's possible that she's also suffering from depression and needs treatment for that as well. Keep letting her know what her behavior is doing to herself, to you and your sister, and to many innocent wives. She might need to be reminded that while her pain is real and justified, it doesn't give her the right to drag down everyone else with her. She needs to find a healthier way to get closure. Keep letting her know what her behavior looks like from the outside -- sometimes it takes many, many repetitions for a message to hit home.

[BeFree]

Thanks for your reply. My sister does not actually have any children yet. They are trying to have their first one. My sister works and goes to school but her and her H want her to be a stay at home mom when they do have children. That's where my mom goes nuts.

 

I will have to set some stronger boundries with her. As it is now, when she starts in about her escapeds or her opinions, I merly change the subject. But that is not helping. My older sister has a very strained relationship with my mom. Because she has told my mom how she feels, my mom will go for weeks without speaking to her. Whenever I have told my mom my feelings, she will not speak to me, until I apologize. This could go on for months. I think I am finaly ready to risk her not speaking with me. It is time for me to let her know that her life is her's but please do not give me the details or push her opinions on to me or my sisters. If she does not speak to me, ohwell.

[brightskies]

Hi BeFree,

 

My sister does not actually have any children yet. They are trying to have their first one. My sister works and goes to school but her and her H want her to be a stay at home mom when they do have children. That's where my mom goes nuts.

 

Oh, sorry, I was unclear when I said this:

 

It sounds like she not only resents your father, but also you and your sister -- her children -- for "ruining her marriage." You haven't expounded on this point very much, but this must be incredibly painful to hear.

 

I meant that it sounded like your mom might partly blame her personal experience with motherhood for her problems with your dad, based on your following comments:

 

It is so scary to me, what my mom is basically telling my sisters and I is that this is going to happen to all of us.

 

She also says that children ruin marriages, is this true?

 

Do more MM with Children cheat? Is it because the wives become more involved with the children and can't focus soely on the Husband?

 

Maybe this is why I am 32 and not married. Maybe I am the scared one. ugh.

 

It's just not fair of your mom to ruin your and your sister's future happiness. The fact that you say you're more afraid of getting married now because of her propaganda points to this. Perhaps she thinks that by telling you these things she can protect you from what happened to her. But she could certainly be more tactful about it, especially now that your sister is planning to have kids. Sure, infidelity is possible in any relationship. But part of the individuation process is allowing your kids to live their own lives and learn on their own.

 

It is time for me to let her know that her life is her's but please do not give me the details or push her opinions on to me or my sisters. If she does not speak to me, oh well.

 

Making this decision is a good first step. It's going to be tough to implement, but hopefully your mom will come to understand your position. My mom would also say things that scared me away from men. For a while it really colored my outlook and it was difficult to be optimistic because I was also having problems with my bf at the time. And yeah, I still worry, (why do you think I'm on LShack? ), which is normal. But I remind myself that every person is different. Life's too short to allow fear to rob you of your possibilities.

[SoleMate]

So sorry that you have to watch your mom go through this pain...and also that she is making YOU go through it as well! I've had some unpleasant convos with my mom, but NEVER anything to touch this kind of stuff.

 

1) Do you really think that these MM go out with her because their wives don't give it up any more?

Probably some of them, it's true or close to it. In as many or more cases, they are just enjoying the variety, freedom, "naughty boy" feel, etc.

 

2) Have you ever had any one tell you to stop telling them about your affair and if so how did it make you feel?

No. If I were hearing such things against my will, I'd make sure to turn the conversation off cold whenever it started. I would even get up and drive 500 miles home a week early if necessary. Your mother has no right to force you to listen to things that are so inappropriate, disturbing, humiliating and saddening to you. (Please forgive if I have put words in your mouth.)

 

3) Do all men cheat?

No, by no means. However, some women have had bad experiences and their perspective becomes limited and distorted. Also, she may be feeling that misery loves company and would like you to join her "Misery Club" to alleviate her loneliness. Also, from a statistical standpoint, she had one man who cheated, and thereafter, she has deliberately searched out cheating men. Clearly her sample is grotesquely skewed. She could look for men who are NOT married and NOT cheating on their wives and would probably find that 90-95% are mostly faithful and 50-60% are snow-white and totally faithful.

 

4) Could she really be feeling that she does not want more from them, or is she just covering up the pain?

Covering up the pain, guaranteed. And I do feel great compassion for her.

 

5) Do OW/OM sometimes seek out MM or MW, or is my mom the exception?

I'm convinced that quite a few of them do - possibly the majority. Certainly not all.

 

I'm thinking of my own mother, who has certainly had serious disappointments in marriage and other relationships. HOWEVER...she remains positive and is truly supportive and encouraging of my sister and me achieving happiness in our r/s. I've never heard her say anything bad about men as a group.

 

There are 3 billion males on this planet, has your mother really surveyed all of them to find the truth?