Jealousy is back - does it ever go away?

[ZGT1503]

Ok, I've been away from this forum for a month or two because I've moved countries to be with my boyfriend.

 

As I wrote before, I have big jealousy issues and even tried counselling for this. Which helped a bit, but now I've moved so can't continue.

 

Anyway, the jealousy was pretty much under control but now it's back with a vengeance and I'm scared I'm going to really push my boyfriend away this time.

 

I've moved to his village (in a new country for me) where he grew up with everyone and there is shared history, ex girlfriends, and very close female friends of his. It is all too much for me to deal with, especially as I'm new here and trying to find a job and friends of my own... not so easy.

 

He knows about my jealousy and we don't know what to do any more about it. I have read books, given him the books to read and understand, but these feelings are still there and I still react when he mentions women or even friends of his.

 

The problem is actually mainly with attractive women, but all his friends are attractive, and he even went out with some of them years ago. He is planning to go to aerobics with one of them twice a week and I have said it is fine, even though I hate the idea. But I am wise enough to know that I can't ask him to not go or to stop seeing his friends.

 

How can I control this?! He is very loyal and attentive and I have no doubt that he loves me, but this is going to push him away.

 

Has anyone overcome such strong jealousy on their own? Any advice would be appreciated. Is it something I'm just going to have to learn to live with and keep under control?

[ehead]

Jealousy is a bitch.

 

You can read all this crap about it, and you can intellectually and philosophically come to terms with it, realize how silly you are, but it's still there.

 

It seems to work on a level below the intellect. It is very primal. Knowing this is half the battle.

 

My girlfriend used to talk incessantly about her ex's, and tell me all sorts of **** like what sex positions they liked the best, etc ... She finally realized it was going to either break us up or make me permanently sexually dysfunctional.

 

I think it's reasonable to ask your SO to put a lid on talking about the past so much, but this doesn't really apply to your situtation.

 

A couple of things that I found that helped, and it sounds a little cheesy ....

 

Meditate.

 

Create a card or something to keep in your purse, or just use a piece of notebook paper. On this paper write down anything that you can think of that helps you get to that "safe" spot in your head. You know how sometimes you feel more jealous, and sometimes you are okay with it ? Well, figure out what thoughts lead you to that "safe" spot. Write them all down on the paper. Next time you start feeling jealous, take that paper out and read it. Read it again if you have to.

 

The mind can sort of be trained in some ways. This is the idea behind cognitive behavioral therapy.

 

Remember, you ARE what you THINK.

 

When you start to feel jealous again ... your mind has 2 paths it can follow. One makes the whole thing even worse ... the other path leads to a "safe spot" where you feel okay about things.

 

With time you can train your mind to go to that safe spot quickly and efficiently.

[barfool]

He is very loyal and attentive and I have no doubt that he loves me

 

So what's the problem? You "know" that he loves you and respects you and yet still do not trust him or your relationship. You do not feel secure in that love because somewhere inside you are thinking that since he hangs out with beautiful women he will get rid of you and be with them.

 

Be confident in your love and his love.

[ehead]

Easier said than done Barfool.

 

One can understand that they are wrong about something, can realize how silly it is, yet the feeling still persists.

 

Feelings often exist at the nexus of the subconscious, the chemical, and the primordial. They can be beyond logic. Particularly the strong and primal feelings such as those involving mating and sex. They have developed through evolution over millions of years.

 

That we feel jealousy is the result of chemicals released when certain pathways of the brain are traversed. For some people these hard-wired paths have more power than others.

 

Telling someone to just "not be jealous" is similiar to telling someone to just "not be in love", or to just "get over" the loss of their mother or something.

 

Feelings can be powerful voodoo. Everyone experiences them at different levels.

 

 

p.s.

What Barfool said would be a good thing to put on your "card", by the way.

 

Remember, jealousy is sort of an ongoing thing. It's unrealistic to think that you will just read something or talk to someone, and something will click in your head, and you will never feel it again. It's more realistic to realize that it is something that will go away slowly, with time. You will probably "relapse" here and there, and feel really jealous at times. Just pick yourself up and carry on. Be sure and not blame him. This is your problem, not his ... assuming he stays within bounds of course.

 

Also, don't forget that a little bit of jealousy is normal. You just want to minimize it to the level that "normal" people feel.

[ZGT1503]

Thanks for your responses.

 

I understand all points of view on this, because I fully agree with barfool's opinion and reasoning, but, like you say, ehead, it's not difficult to understand it on a logical, intellectual level... it's just translating that into the inbuilt feelings and emotions.

 

I was very interested to read your idea about writing stuff down on a card about your 'safe' place and how to get there.

It's really true that sometimes you react jealously and other times you don't. My problem is knowing what causes you to react one time and not the other? How do you know what you are feeling or doing in order for you to find some thoughts that lead to your 'safe' place?

 

But reading your last post I see what you mean! Just some thoughts on what I know to be the reality of his feelings and the situation, and how silly my jealous thoughts actually are... This is something I'm going to try!

 

I also understand that it takes time. I suppose I am already better in controlling it than before. It's just when you have a relapse and the jealousy is as strong as it ever was, you kind of think you're getting nowhere.

 

Very positive to read other people's views and ways of coping with this... thanks.

[barfool]

Yes, I definitely understand that it is easier said than done. You need to understand that there is a thought process that takes place that leads to your feelings of jealousy and insecurity. This thought process is full of fallacies that you have to learn to recognize. In this way you can control the emotions that are a product of your thoughts.

 

It is not easy to do at first. It takes a lot of conscious effort and practice but it eventually becomes a kind of second nature. Look up "Cognitive Therapy" on the internet. This is what I learned while an inpatient in a behavioral health center for depression but it works for all emotions. It can change your life, as it did mine.

[Lisa Reece]

Ok, I've been away from this forum for a month or two because I've moved countries to be with my boyfriend.

 

As I wrote before, I have big jealousy issues and even tried counselling for this. Which helped a bit, but now I've moved so can't continue.

 

Anyway, the jealousy was pretty much under control but now it's back with a vengeance and I'm scared I'm going to really push my boyfriend away this time.

 

I've moved to his village (in a new country for me) where he grew up with everyone and there is shared history, ex girlfriends, and very close female friends of his. It is all too much for me to deal with, especially as I'm new here and trying to find a job and friends of my own... not so easy.

 

He knows about my jealousy and we don't know what to do any more about it. I have read books, given him the books to read and understand, but these feelings are still there and I still react when he mentions women or even friends of his.

 

The problem is actually mainly with attractive women, but all his friends are attractive, and he even went out with some of them years ago. He is planning to go to aerobics with one of them twice a week and I have said it is fine, even though I hate the idea. But I am wise enough to know that I can't ask him to not go or to stop seeing his friends.

 

How can I control this?! He is very loyal and attentive and I have no doubt that he loves me, but this is going to push him away.

 

Has anyone overcome such strong jealousy on their own? Any advice would be appreciated. Is it something I'm just going to have to learn to live with and keep under control?

You just need to know in your head and trust yourself and your boyfriend that everything will be okay and just know that he loves you very much because i'm actually going through this same problem and just like your story, all the girls are attractive that he talks to but I've just been dealing with the fact that he loves me and me only. I guess its just something you've gotta know.

[ZGT1503]

Thanks Barfool. I have heard a lot about this cognitive therapy and have done a bit of research into it. It makes sense. I guess I'm just going to have to be patient and really work at it.

 

Lisa - good luck to you. What you say is right and we just have to know it and remind ourselves. Like ehead said earlier on in this thread, I'm going to write some of these things down and keep telling myself the facts until it becomes second nature. And hopefully easier!

[Guest]

I can tell you that i struggle with jealousy issues myself but i discovered one thing that helped me to understand that i take it too far.

It was valentines a very emotional day where anything that got in the way would really bother me. I wanted it to be a good night so i thought to myself im goin to try to relax and not get upset or jealous.

 

Trying to think positively. We decided to go out for dinner i picked a sports type bar with big screen tv's since i thought my bf would like it. Of course their were many young, attractive waitresses working and different ones dilivered to our table. I started to feel insecure thinking the waitresses are so pretty my bf will be staring or she only directs her questions towards him and offers smiles alot of which I may have just been making up in my mind.

 

This is what got me to the the safe spot! One very attractive waitress, one which i would think my bf would have liked "the best" brought his food to the table but forgot the salad dressing ( i was literally biting my tongue not wanting to say anything "smart".

 

Then he asked me " do u know which waitress brought my food she forgot my salad dressing! Their its been said! He didnt even know which waitress brought his food so he must not have been paying that much attention! right?!