Lingerie and pantyhose-I like, she doesn't, we fight

[happily married]

I love to see my wife (who, by the way, is the sexiest woman I have ever seen) wear lingerie and pantyhose. She feels that it means that I don't find her attractive; that she needs to hide her skin. It is not that at all, I just find it (especially pantyhose) unbelievably sexy (especially on her). It upsets her to the point of feeling ill to wear these things. Anyone else in a similar situation, or have an opinion either way? She will be reading this also, so thoughts to either of us would be appreciated.

[KonRyuu]

There is a reason that they make lingerie, and it is not to try to polish a turd. An ugly women will look just as bad in lingerie as she would naked anyway. Man, on my 19th b-day my wife had roses leading into the room and she was laying on the bed covered in rose petals in very sexy lingerie that she bought for the occasion, it was fun ripping it off too! Tell her that she's crazy if she is accusing you of insenuating that she is ugly and you want her to cover herself up, I mean, tell her if you really wanted her to hide herself, you'd tell her to cut a hole in her crotch and to not show anything at all. obviously this is not the case, ****.

 

Another fun thing...

 

my wife and I do role playing all the time, it makes things so much more fun. When one of you dresses up, not overly dressed, but somewhat and you pretend like your meeting for the first time, like for example, when I was a painter, I went outside in my overalls and knocked on the door, pretending like I was there to paint the inside of her house, it's awesome you should try it, it's definately very wierd at first, but after a few times, you'll wonder why you never thought of it, lol. hope this helps

[RubixCube28]

Maybe you should try wearing the panty hose LoL.. Hey at least it would give you guys a good laugh..Jk.. Maybe it's just in the way to talk to her about it.. Tell her you love her and think shes amazing..Just the way she is but you really love the way she.. Makes the pantyhose or langare look make it about her 1st..Just a thought hope it helps some..

[bluetuesday]

you sound crazy about this woman, and unless you're making her feel you can't find her as attractive WITHOUT lingerie or hosiery, i find it her unwillingness to play along a little hard to understand.

 

sex is supposed to be fun. it's not a serious matter and should be treated like play time. leaving a few items of clothes on can intensify the experience. something to do with reminding us of the glorious and innocent days of our youth when we were all fumbling under clothes behind the bikesheds. leaving on some clothes can be extremely sexy. it revives a sense of mystery, of naughtiness, which stark naked, although appealing in other ways, just doesn't have.

 

if you like different things in the bedroom, that's natural. we're all formed from different experiences. but it's very important to strike a balance. of course you find stockings exciting, but she doesn't. and knowing a little about how women work, i'd consider the possibility that the issue isn't necessarily the hosiery itself, it's her feelings about how you see her.

 

telling her she's sexy naked isn't as important as showing her. if she perceives you don't find her quite as sexy naked, she may withhold something you want because she's not getting what she wants - and what she wants is what we all want from our lovers. unconditional acceptance.

 

people shout and fight when they feel they're not being heard. there will be a reason for this hostility to your ideas. no woman who is made to feel adored and sexy and who gets great sex from the man she loves would want that to stop without a reason.

[TeaCooler]

yeah. last i checked, lingerie didn't cover very much up...or maybe i just have more exotic taste...?

 

you're not bringing her old-lady muu-muus from kmart and calling it lingerie, are you? then i could see her issue.

 

maybe she just doesn't like wearing it and is using a different excuse. i'm sure she doesn't get phyiscally ill over it (if she does, she should see someone professionally) she's probably just mad about the subject being brought up.

[Outcast]

It's shocking the number of ways women find to be insecure about their appearance or the love of their men.

[whichwayisup]

Is it possible that somehow she thinks you have a fetish for it and that is what is making her feel weird?

 

I hope she isn't insecure about her own body. If she is, nothing you say or do will make her feel good about herself. All that has to come within. Ofcourse we all need to hear compliments, but if she is unhappy with herself, she has to learn how to feel good and love herself.

[SilverKit1204]

Yes, what my husband "happily married" is talking about is the fact that he has a fetish. He has never hidden this fact from me and I am thankful for that. I'm sorry to say that I didn't fully realize what all this called for when we got married. But thanks to the internet I found out. I don't care for it. I wear them out in public and everyone stares. I don't like the kind of attention that it brings when we're out in public from other men, and then I realize that my husband has that exact same look in his eyes when I have them on. It makes me feel like that's all that matters is how I look. No, this is not what my husband says, he is a very loving and caring person, he just changes when I put on pantyhose and I don't understand that. I wish he'd treat me the same way. He treats me so special like a woman, like a lady, when I have them on. He treats me good when I don't, but not in the same way.

 

I'm not comfortable wearing lingerie, but I try. I just wish that we could do that sometimes WITHOUT pantyhose. But then I feel like I've failed in pleasing him if I don't.

 

I know there are a lot of underlying issues with all this, and I'm trying really hard to be better for my husband. I just get frustrated when I can't get the same feelings and responses out of him with just me then I can if I wear pantyhose. I've had some bad sexual experiences in the past and I'm just coming to terms with some of them. All I can do is try.

 

Please note that this is just how I feel which is hard for me to explain.

[BeFree]

so I'm guessing the husband and wife are both on this thread???

 

If you both can talk on the thread, you should both go to counseling together and work this out.

[BeFree]

so I'm guessing the husband and wife are both on this thread???

 

If you both can talk on the thread, you should both go to counseling together and work this out.

[SilverKit1204]

Tried that. He felt like he was blocked in a corner by the counselor. It just ending in a huge fight and he told me in the counselors office that he wanted me to leave. We have since been able to talk more openly about things, but we still fight about this issue.

 

My husband started this thread to see if anyone else has ever had a simular situation or would have any advice about this.

[whichwayisup]

He should respect the fact that you have issues with it and have had some bad experiences so I'm sure some of this is triggering for you.

 

Somehow you two need to sort this out, because if you don't it will ruin your marriage. Hopefully he'll try marriage counselling again though. And just wondering, but have you thought about one on one therapy for yourself? If you have had those awful experiences, you need to sort through those issues with someone professional.

[DreOh6]

If your wife is having sexual hangups with stuff you like, you might ask yourself if there is something she wants you to do/wear that youare uncomfortable with. If not, then she will just have to get over it. Whatever she won't do, another woman will do twice as hard.

[KonRyuu]

My wife has had more problems in the past sexually than any one woman I've ever heard of. I'm talking flashbacks and everything. We've worked through those together and let me tell you what, when she throws on some lingerie, I change too, when I dress up sexy for her, she changes, it's the whole point behind lingerie, I don't agree to my wife wearing slutty-looking clothes out in public, I tell her that my eyes are the only ones needed for her body, which is absoutely true. You can dress sexy, but classy at the same time without looking like a slut out in public. But let me tell you, when she puts lingerie on, my eyes light up, why do you think women wear lingerie? I don't think they came out with it so women would get the same reaction they would out of their lover as if they weren't wearing it, it's designed to be sexy.

 

How can you say that all you think your hubby thinks of is your physical appearance. I posted this same thing in another thread. Men are visual animals, women are more mental, hence the reason why men masturbate to porn and women fantasize in their minds more often than not. It's because the very sight of a sexy woman just send surges through a man's body, it's how we were designed, if you don't like it, I really don't know what to suggest...turn lesbian maybe?

 

Every man is going to be the same way pretty much. It should be a good thing that he finds you physically attractive, because as we all know, it doesn't last forever anyway. It's also good that he finds you emotionally attractive as well, most men don't marry for looks unless they themselves are hurting badly (as far as looks go). It should not be taken as an insult, but a compliment instead. a man should lavish a woman's body and vice versa, but also, you should take to eachother with kindness and love when you're in bed. I mean, it would be different if he was like, ya like that dont ya bitch? as opposed to oh baby I love you so much. Am I right? Just remember, most of those men who are oogling at you are thinking the first, your husband is more than likely thinking/saying the second, am I right or wrong?

 

So if you do happen to wear lingerie in bed next time, remember that, he is looking at you through loving eyes, not lustful eyes.

[7on]

I kinda side with the woman. I mean forcing someone to do something for your own gratification isn't very romantic. You told her your options on the issue and then it's up for her to decide or not. "Fighting" about it won't change anything - I've never had a fight where I didn't want to do something and the fight made me want to do it. I think that if you (happily married) would drop the issue she may feel more comfortable in maybe 5 years or so. But if you're bringing it up everytime you get into bed she will be frustrated with it.

[Guest]

I'm sorry if everyone has missed what the issue is here. I guess conflicts about fetishs just never occur and I should just shut up and let him do to my body what he wishes and how he wishes. I'm sorry I don't feel that is right.

[carmaenforcer]

Hello Guest/Mrs. Happily Married and Happily Married,

Your Situation sounds a lot like one that I had with my Wife not too long ago.

 

First to Mrs. Happily Married/Guest, like you, my Wife had issue with wearing lingerie, not for the same reason that I think you are having issue with it but simply because she didn't see the point in buying an article of clothing so expensive that you only wear for a few seconds at a time. More like your situation my Wife also had issue with posing for nude photos or at least posing for me in person so that I may gratify myself (Masturbate) to her.

Sorry for the vulgar topic but it's the closest example I could bring up that best reflects your situation.

My Wife also felt like I was trying to use her body to fill a fetish and she at first responded by telling me to "go find yourself a porn start to marry, if that's all you want". Later she realized that I was just focussing my sexual attention towards her as should be in a committed relationship and given I had vowed that she be my only partner, and she has issue with porn in the house I had no other outlet for trying to fill that need.

When you vow to be that other persons one and only, you take the responsibility of making sure that your H or W's needs are met to the best of your ability and within reason.

What your H has asked for is not unreasonable and you really should think of what alternative you are leaving him.

 

Now, Happily Married. If you are newly wedds like me and my wife, then you will encounter these types of situations in which you struggle to find common ground. For example, You might like to do "it" everyday, she doesn't so you find what works for you both. You like lingerie on your woman, she doesn't want to feel like your personal dress up doll, you eventually find a compromise.

 

What 7on said,

 

I think that if you (happily married) would drop the issue she may feel more comfortable in maybe 5 years or so. But if you're bringing it up every time you get into bed she will be frustrated with it.

 

Is actually good advice when dealing with women in general because a lot of women have control issues, they want to control you and every aspect of your relationship but then feel like you are trying to dominate them when you try to ask for anything and they might be quick to say or do the opposite of what you ask off the bat without really putting too much thought to it just to keep the control they think you are trying to take from them.

I don't know about 5 years though, I know I am not that patient and would start to harbor resentment towards her if I thought the relationship was all about her feelings, only.

 

The best advice I think any couple (married or not) can have is, treat the other person in the same way you would like for them to treat you. If you want your mate to second guess your needs and desires, to veto your feelings and base their treatment of you on how it affects them, then just keep acting like your happiness is not somehow tide to theirs. Eventually they wont be an issue anymore.

[SilverKit1204]

Sorry i don't understand why my post didn't show up under my screen name.

 

Thank you for everyone suggestions it has been very interesting to actually get some feed back now.

 

Umm, what my husband has is a FETISH. I'm sorry. I don't feel like cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, and quote unquote "Being myself in the lingerie". I don't understand how we can be out in public and all of a sudden I can damn near see my own crotch because my husband has my skirt all the way up. I don't understand how my husband can be wrapped around my leggs and not even look me in the eye until I take them off, when we're trying to get sexy. I don't understand why my husband wants me to wear pantyhose all day in my pumps, get my feet sweaty and stinky and then want a foot job. I don't understand how he can jack off to a picture or video of a woman in pantyhose. I don't understand how he can use pantyhose to jack off.

 

He has started to be better about these things. It just takes time to realize just how bad you have hurt someone.

[littlekitty]

Because this is a fetish, i don't think there is much you can do.

 

It's going to have to be a situation of both of you compromising and finding a way through this. It's clear he can't just drop this behavior. So to have the marriage work, you'll need to find ways to fulfil his needs, and he yours. I can only suggest more professional help to help you both with this.

 

I guess in the end you'll have to ask yourself if you can be happy in that marriage with all that his fetish entails?

[blind_otter]

As stated above, fetishes don't "just go away". If you entered into the marriage with the full knowledge that this existed, what were the expectations regarding this?

 

His issue is clear. He has a fetish. He is attending to that. But IMO with conflicts, it's almost always 50/50, with one person acting in a certain way because of their issues/baggage, and the other REACTING in a certain way because of their issues, baggage.

 

The wife should try to explore why she feels so uncomfortable, beyond the whole socially appropriate thing -- because there are some who wouldn't be so touchy about it. I would, because I was raped twice when I was a teenager. I am working on that for myself and have identified specific issues to work with. See what I mean? I know why I would be upset about it

[Ladyjane14]

Maybe a compromise is in order.... Make HIM wear the pantyhose and lingerie!!!

 

Seriously, I agree with Little Kitty and Blind Otter....if this is his bag, you've got to either find a way to make acceptable to you, or kick him to the curb and find a more sexually compatible man.

 

Personally, I have no patience for fetishes. I can't blame you one bit for being creeped out about it. If it were me...my temptation would be to hand him a pair of my pantyhose and tell him to go 'knock himself out'.

 

But that's not really conducive to solving the problem, is it? I have to wonder if there's not some obsessive/complusive element, when a fetish begins to interfere in the relationship. If so, that would probably respond to treatment. I suppose it depends on the size of the issue. If it's endangering your marriage, maybe it would be worthwhile to seek counseling.

 

On the other hand, if this thing is blown out of proportion, you do have the option of trying it on for size. You know, throw yourself into it at 100% for awhile, and see if you like it. The Dr. Philism of 'loving an idea for at least 15 minutes' might help you take a new look at it.

[catgirl1927]

I don't mean to make light of what is a serious problem for these people, but PANTYHOSE? Ugh. I haven't worn them in years, I don't see how they could ever be sexy. They are hot and uncomfortable and just icky.

 

But seriously, it is hard enough for some women to feel sexy, but to ask her to do something that makes her feel gross and expect her to have sex like that is kind of, well, selfish and mean. This is a tough one, because she wants to have sex without them and he wants to have sex with them. Maybe there are other options. Thigh highs are MUCH more comfortable and frankly, sexier.

 

I don't at ALL think that saying he wants to see you in certain lingerie means he doesn't find you attractive naked.

 

Ok, upon rereading some of your posts, he sounds VERY selfish and mean. Screw that. You are not a piece of meat, and you don't belong to him. You are a person and he's not acting like he respects that very much. If someone pulled up my skirt in public it would be the LAST time he ever saw me, that is over the top. He didn't pay for you, you're not a stripper.

[Pink_Tulip]

How is the rest of the marriage? Has this completely taken over the relationship, or is everything else ok?

 

It sounds like your needs are not being met. I would imagine if they were, you wouldn't be so resistant to obliging him now and then. If you continually feel like a piece of meat, it doesn't sound like he is doing anything to meet your needs, but is demanding you do what he likes.

 

Is going to a sex therapist possible? A sex therapist might help you both express your needs openly, and work on issues and come to compromises you might not be able to do on your own.