I've done the right thing, but I still screwed things up

[lc45]

I feel like I'm in some nightmare I can't wake up from.

 

I dated my ex-boyfriend for a year and a half and when times were good, I was blissfully happy and so was he. This past summer, we started fighting a lot and were rather on and off. I realized that we both wanted different things from our lives and we had grown too dependent on one another and needed time apart to gain some new perspective. We were taking each other for granted. I was turned off of the relationship because of these things and as much as I still cared for him, I knew we both needed space. I was the one who ended things for good at the end of the summer.

 

We've been a part now ever since, (almost 6 months) and as much as it hurt him, he has really matured, which is what I wanted for the both of us and he now understands why we broke up. Now during this time, I still thought about him a lot even though I did well in moving on by focusing on school, seeing friends, etc. However, I began getting a lot closer with one of my best male friends. He's been my friend since high school and we have SO much in common and my ex and him got to know each other too while we were together. During this time, I began to question my feelings for my friend because I knew that he loved me more than a friend and I wondered if it would be worth a shot at a relationship with him because I knew he cared about me and would treat me like a queen. I thought that maybe after all these years of friendship, it would be our time finally to come together and because we're so close, we could make each other happy romantically as well. I cared a lot about him and him always around in my life just added to this newfound confusion.

 

Finally before the new year, he randomly brought stuff up one night with me, about how he felt, and how he didn't need to hear from me again how I only wanted to be friends. It was overwhelming and flattering and we both acknowledged that we couldn't continue this strong guy/girl friendship any further so we either had to cut things off, or pursue something more. I was scared beyond belief, but decided to try and see how things would work. I told him that I was scared of backing out because things would be weird and he understood this.

 

So now, more than a month later, my worst fear has come: I'm freaking out. I've realized that even though our first kiss was amazing because it was just this release of built up, unspoken tension, we have no chemistry. This time a part from my ex and my attempt at moving on with a friend has made me realize how important and how much I was in love with my ex. I approached my ex and told him all this and I have left my guy friend even though he was still willing to try to work on things, but I know its a problem when you wig out at the thought of kissing him. Our love was innocent and I know our friendship will never be the same. I now know that the chemistry and love I had with my ex was undeniable and I broke it off so we could hopefully see that, but now im scared he won't ever understand why I dated my friend for that short time.

 

So here's my problem: I've tried so hard to please everyone and in the end its only hurt more people. How do I redeem myself? My ex is weirded out by the fact I tried a relationship with my friend and I understand that, and he is willing to keep his options open for me in the future which is what I want more than anything, but don't deserve. How do I help my ex boyfriend to see that I needed to date my friend briefly in order for me to truly see the light and mature? How do I get the people in his life (family and friends) to accept me with open arms again? and finally..i know i've broken the heart of my best friend, but I knew I'd always wonder if we didn't try. How do I go cold turkey without his friendship in my life? At the end of it all, have I really helped him finally move on from the option of me as a love interest?

[Still_In_Love]

Ic45,

 

You should be proud of yourself that you now know what you want. Love always comes at a cost and people do get hurt. I would suggest that if your ex is willing to sit down and talk about how you truly feel, then he will know where you stand. If he wants to you back, he'll come back. Maybe asking him to hang out once in a while, go for dinner and keep things light. He needs to build a trust back with you that you aren't going to break up again. Good luck!