Forgiveness after Infidelity

[Makeitstop]

My husband of 4 years walked out on me about a month ago and decided to be with a coworker he was having an affair with. It was physical and emotional and had only been going on for a month and a half. About 3 weeks ago he officially got all of his stuff out of the house and moved in with his girlfriend.

 

Yesterday, he called me and admitted to me that his conscience has been bothering him and he wants to do what it right. Today he asked me that he wants to come home if I'll have him.

 

We both believe in God and have been praying for what is best for us. Since we've been praying he has been convicted of his wrongdoing. I, on the other hand, have had more feelings for him and I actually feel like I can forgive him. I know that he is not the kind of person to cheat and that this woman initiated the relationship. She is 11 years older than him (he's 25 and so am I). She has no kids, owns her own home, and a car. He and I, however, have nothing...but two kids. We have been trying to build a life for our family when we started having serious problems in our marriage. We got married at 20 so between living with his parents, living with my mom, and living on our own being dirt poor, a miscarriage, an abortion, and two children....you can imagine the hardships that have come our way. We were unable to relate to each other....I honestly believe we didn't know how.

 

We've both grown since then though. We are actually looking at this through different eyes. We were both wrong and we are both the cause of the situation ending up as intense as it is. After all of this, I still believe he's meant to be in my life. Even when we were facing an absolute end to marriage, I always thought that once we matured some more we would find our way back to each other and perhaps remarry.

 

He is still living with her as you can see it's pretty difficult for him to get out of. She's in love with him. And he...now that he has been on the other side, sees that the grass is not greener. He hasn't spoken about feelings for her anymore. He's spoken that he's unsure as to whether he loves me or not because I suspect that his hurt over the past is no longer a factor now. Now he wants peace and he wants purpose in his life. His family has always been his purpose and now without that, he's lost. He has said to me that the struggles we were having don't compare to the regret he has been feeling by being with this woman.

 

I told him that he should come home to his family. Before he called me, I was moving to a new apartment. I still am except I told him that he could move with me next week. Many people will say that I'm crazy for this decision to try to make my marriage work inspite of the obvious pitfalls. He has said that he wants to change his number and since our address is changed and we are moving to a different city, she won't know where we are. He also wants to move out while she's at work so as to avoid a scene or any drama. He said that this is his final decision and one that he is never changing.

 

It's hard for me not to feel insecure sometimes. I'm not as insecure as I was yesterday because today he actually asked to come home. It helped alot. A small amount of my heart is afraid that he might make a fool of me. The rest of me is unsure as to how our marriage will end up panning out. I know some patterns to change in our marriage and we both decided to go to a different marriage counselor, a pastor from our church, instead of a non-christian one. We are also going to take one of those marriage getaway weekends to help work on our marriage. Quizzes and such to help as well on marriagebuilders.com.

 

What do you guys think?

[MrsHellFire]

What made him want the affair in the first place and how do you, or he for that matter, know that this will not happen again?

 

Why does he all of a sudden want back? The fantasy affair didn't work out as good as he planned?

 

He needs to step up and end the affair like a man I think. Who knows what kind of future problems this woman is going to cause and he should take care of the dirty work since he got into that mess. Now he should DEAL WITH IT and end it.. instead of taking the easy way out. Make it too easy for him and he might do it AGAIN.. you never know.

 

I don't know what to say as most women on this board try to work out their marriages first before getting a divorce.

 

You sound too desperate how you are almost begging for him to come back, but I understand it's hard raising two kids alone at the beginning.

 

If he thinks of you FIRST, he would leave NOW and explain to the woman that it's over and he's OUT..

 

Just a thought anyways.....

[OzGirl]

I told him that he should come home to his family. Before he called me, I was moving to a new apartment. I still am except I told him that he could move with me next week. Many people will say that I'm crazy for this decision to try to make my marriage work inspite of the obvious pitfalls. He has said that he wants to change his number and since our address is changed and we are moving to a different city, she won't know where we are. He also wants to move out while she's at work so as to avoid a scene or any drama. He said that this is his final decision and one that he is never changing.

 

Take a look at the Other Woman forum - I know it's not your concern right now how this affects the OW. And, quite rightly - she is not your problem. But, chances are, she could become your problem.

 

It's great he wants to leave her and try and repair the damage he's done to you - I say if your marriage is worth saving, or trying, then try.

 

BUT, she's there all happy he's left you for her. She must think he REALLY loves her to take such a huge step in her favour. He's now moving out when she's not there - obviously, she isn't expecting it to happen. Whether she knows where you're moving to or not - she will be so mad at him - in her mind, heartbroken and angry - she may stop at nothing to find him and have him account for what he's done with her.

 

This isn't based on what you think she has the right to feel - it's what she thinks she has the right to feel, and the actions, therefore, she will take against those feelings. Hell hath no fury ....

 

In order to make it a proper start, he needs to make it a proper ending with the OW. He needs to tell her he's leaving, and deal with her emotions so that she will let him go. If he doesn't, she might well feel it's her right to an explanation, and hire a private detective or the like to track him down. I've managed to get private phone numbers, email addresses and all sorts of things when the MM I was seeing just disappeared and thought changing his contact details would make me invisible. It didn't. It added fuel to my fire.

 

IF he loves you and REALLY wants to make the effort, then, in the light of how your separation came to fruition, he needs to show you a change in himself - that he will do things properly this time.

 

Any OW who read this I can bank on will agree with me. You want her gone, and so does he - then he needs to untangle the web he's woven and start from scratch. He's obviously learnt the grass isn't greener, so don't make it so easy for him to come back to you that he brings all is new luggage with him.

 

If it's a beginning, then he needs to close the old book first. He brought the OW into his life (and yours), it's HIS responsibility to provide a proper and final exit plan from it.

[Aaurora_26]

Being an ex-OW myself, I found your story to be very moving....I feel compassion for all involved in this and the OW, to finally have won her man who she loves so deeply only to have him want out would be devastating for her...If that had of happened to me and to my MM....well, I would be broken.

 

I am wondering why, if he wants to come back, is he still living there? Does he not love her now? The grass wasn't as green? Do you really want him back after what he has done to you?

 

I think he should move out of her place if he is really serious about you. I'm sure he procrastinated for months about leaving you for her, don't let him do this to you as well! He needs to stop being a coward and make his choice.

 

Good luck

[Ladyjane14]

I have to apologize in advance:o ....because this is going to sound really insensitive, but....here goes....

 

The OW's pain is NOT your problem. She's a big girl. She made a decision to involve herself with an unavailable man. And now, she'll have to deal with the fallout from that. It's sad when ANYBODY get their feelings hurt, but this isn't something that YOU should worry about. That's your husband's problem. He made this mess; let him deal with it.

 

Besides....you've got problems enough already.

 

Moving away is a good way to improve NO CONTACT. That's important to the reconcilliation process. But I have to tell you, I share the concerns of the previous posters that your husband appears to be running from his problem with OW rather than dealing with it. It sounds perhaps similar to his decision to evade the problems at home when he chose to leave YOU.

That's worrisome.

 

Life is full of conflict. If he's a conflict-avoider, how are you going to resolve all the issues that will come up over the course of a long marriage?

 

While I can understand your urge to take your husband back immediately....I'm concerned that you haven't had the time to establish the appropriate parameters for success. This guy hasn't had to meet any of your boundaries. He hasn't had to prove his words are as good as his actions.

 

Still, you two are in difficult financial straights. It doesn't sound like you have the luxury of time or money. (What's he going to do for work, btw? If he's moving to another city with you...has he arranged a job?)

 

I think that at the minimum....I would lay out my boundaries with him as well as the consequences in crossing them. If NC with the OW is a boundary for you...he needs to know EXACTLY what to expect if he contacts her again. If marriage counceling is a boundary, he needs to be able to predict your reaction if he refuses to comply.

 

You've been to MB, so you know about Plan A and Plan B, right? What would you have put in a Plan B Letter? The "PBL" is the roadmap home. What requirements does he need to fill in order to be accepted back into your life?

 

Under ordinary circumstances, you would wait until your husband agrees to your terms and proves he's as good as his word before you would allow him back in. He would need to EARN this second chance with you.

 

I'm sure that your temptation is to 'strike while the iron is hot'. But....can you really trust him? How do you know he isn't going to flake out on you again? Has his recent behavior been an aberration? Or is flightiness a part of his natural character?

 

There's alot of questions to be answered...and not much time to answer them if you're moving next week.

 

That said, (and I say this next part with some hesitation:o ).....I think I would probably roll the dice and take a chance on him. You've got alot to gain by putting your family dynamic back together again. I do hope that you have a back-up plan in mind though. What will you do if he fails to meet your boundaries?

 

Anyway, here's a reading list for you. I know money's tight, so you might want to get a new library card as soon as you get where you're going. Knowledge is power.

 

Surviving An Affair and His Needs / Her Needs by Harley

 

The Five Love Languages by Chapman

 

Not Just Friends by Glass

 

Love Must Be Tough by Dobson

 

The trick to home study is to take the information from your resources and apply it to the specifics of your situation. The pitfall is the as a couple, you're likely to study at different paces. Often, the temptation is to apply pressure to the slower partner because of the perceived notion that they don't care enough to keep up to speed. You'll want to avoid that.

 

If you're going to continue in church-based MC, you might ask your current paster to help you line it up. There might be nothing they can do to help you with that, but....nothing ventured, nothing gained.

[Chump64]

I am so sorry about your situation. I hope I don't sound too gruff. BTW, I am in your same shoes -- only I've been married 18 years and have 3 kids, and my husband cheated for a full freaking decade.

 

I know that he is not the kind of person to cheat and that this woman initiated the relationship.

 

You are giving your husband faaaar too much leeway. He is 100 percent responsible for his own actions. It will do no one any good to blame his infidelity on someone else. Do not cut him that slack. Most importantly, do not fool yourself.

 

He has said to me that the struggles we were having don't compare to the regret he has been feeling by being with this woman.

 

Then make him prove his love for you. Words are cheap - dirt cheap. I’d let him find his own apartment and spend the next few months having him prove why he is worthy of you. Frankly, that’s what I’d have liked to do in my situation, and I probably would have, were my kids toddlers. But they are preteens and part of the reason we are trying to work this out, without separation, is to avoid completely rocking their worlds.

 

Given the fact that he is still living with this woman, I think you are forgiving him and are ready to have him back far, far too easily. That will just give him the message that it’s ok to do what he has done.

 

And the problem I have with faith-based counselors is that they tend to push the notion that forgiveness is an unconditional gift. That is just bogus, and forcing unconditional forgiveness because someone thinks it’s the Godly thing to do will only haunt you down the road. He needs to work for your forgiveness, and work hard.

 

When I was in this situation, I created a list of requirements for my husband. Before I get blasted by any of the OW who read here, be well aware that these were completely optional – and the other choice was to split assets / split custody / file for divorce so he could be on his merry way and do whatever the heck he wanted.

 

1) End the affair immediately and establish no contact. If you should have chance contact, let me know about it immediately.

2) No more lies. Not one.

3) Commit to long term marriage counseling. Own your dysfunction.

4) Give me all your email addresses, passwords, work email password, work and cell phone voice mail pass codes, etc. You have lost all rights to privacy.

5) You will either accept these requirements without complaint, without accusing me of nagging or henpecking you, and you'll be d*mn glad to have the second chance.

 

I second Ladyjane’s suggestion to read Not Just Friends. It saved my life and maybe my marriage. Right now my husband is reading it. I am reading After the Affair (Janis Spring) and next I’ll be reading How Can I Forgive You? (Janis Spring). Read a LOT of stuff. Discuss it with your husband. Have him read stuff too. And talk a lot. We spend a lot of time talking and crying together, and while it’s painful, it’s progress.

[Makeitstop]

LadyJ, I completely agree with you as far as the OW. My husband was never hers to begin with. So whatever pain she gets out of this she deserves completely. And although I pity her for being in the middle of this mess, I do not empathize or sympathize. Besides she's 11 years older than him. What is she doing picking on someone who is that young anyway? I have no respect for any woman who chooses to be involved with an unavailable man. This may sound bitter but every single bit of hurt OW receive, they have coming. What you reap, you sow.

 

Chump, I completely agree with you. The only reason why I have accepted this and allowed him to come back is because he has set up every one of those boundaries you listed...by himself. I didn't have to ask him for no contact, he's willing to do that. I'm going for a job interview tomorrow that I'll hopefully get and if I do, he's quitting his job to look for another job. He doesn't want to talk to her or deal with her after he moves. He's going to change his cell number and even add me to his cellphone plan so that there are no secrets. These were all HIS suggestions.

 

LadyJ, he's a non-confrontational person. He's been that way somewhat with me but he's mostly that way with other people. However when the rubber meets the road...okay, if he absolutely has to...he will stand up and confront a situation. I believe that he is closing the situation this way because he has done this before with this same woman. He left her because he felt obligated the first time. Now he is leaving her because he wants to. The first time she was crying all over him and begging him. It's something he wants to avoid this time around. He said that he's going to write her a letter. And as hard as it will be for her, she'll have to accept it one way or another.

 

He did ask me if I wanted him to come home earlier. If I did, he said that he would. However, I feel like this whole situation was rushed and I don't want to rush back into something to have it fail. He's worried that she'll start stalking the house if he comes back early since she knows where I live now. I'm not concerned about that but we have children and family on this block. A scene is not in the best interest of anyone. And it's not something I would particularly care to be in the middle of. It bothers me that he's still there. But I feel I need the time to process and get my mind right.

 

I do believe that he knows the full extent of his actions. Knowing who he is, I suspect that as soon as he sees me he'll be on his knees begging for my forgiveness. He's looking at this situation and seeing that if it was done to him how he would feel.

 

We talked about what started this whole thing. And he told me that if our relationship was better then he wouldn't have given her a second look. He would've shut her down from the door. And I honestly believe that because it's the kind of person he's always been. We've been in situations where a woman was flirting with him and he would shut her down and look at her like she was crazy. And he would remove himself from the situation. Part of my comfort is in knowing that the kind of person he was with her, the kind of person that led him to do what he has done, is not the kind of person that he is. We've talked about it. He's never done anything like this before and we've both made a committment to affair-proof our marriage so neither of us have a reason to look elsewhere.

 

At this point there is nothing she can do to make him stay. There is nothing she can say. Simply because he has made the decision. He has put limitations on himself. I didn't beg him to come back. I didn't persuade him. I actually initiated no contact before this time and it is by the grace of God that I answered the phone and that I was half sleep when I answered, therefore calm enough to listen to what he had to say. Once again...it is by the grace of God. I didn't plan on speaking to him ever again. I had just changed my cell numbers and that day I was planning on changing my home number, and moving without telling him the address. Just dropping off the face of the earth for 6 months to a year without another word to him. I'm not even sure what opened my mind enough to hear him out. It's a miracle to me. And if God is willing to give us a second chance then I am willing to try.

[Makeitstop]

I am wondering why, if he wants to come back, is he still living there? Does he not love her now? The grass wasn't as green? Do you really want him back after what he has done to you?

 

I'm sure he procrastinated for months about leaving you for her, don't let him do this to you as well!

 

He did say that the grass isn't greener on the other side. He has not mentioned having feelings for her. He has said that the fog is start to clear and he's starting to see her for who she really is. And it's someone he doesn't want to deal with.

 

He is still putting up a front with her so no drama will ensue. It is shady what he plans to do but like I said earlier, I don't care. She has it coming. Maybe next time she'll think.

 

He did not procrastinate when it came to moving out. He has only been with her for about 3 months. He had a secret relationship for a month and a half then told me. He moved out the next week. Now 2-3 weeks later he called me to ask if it's too late to undo his mistake. I've known all along that it was a mistake and I've known what was going on in his mind. I also knew that he was going to ask to come back home. I just didn't know how long it would take and I couldn't live with the uncertainty of a timeline. So I treated it as if he was never coming home. He could never tell me that he didnt' care about me or anything like that. He could only say that when he was angry and going over every past and hurtful thing in our marriage. When he was calm, he couldn't even look me in the eyes. He has admitted that he's been thinking all the time that he must be crazy. He's been afraid and terrified. And he is tired of living without any peace or purpose.

 

Compared to all of the other situations that I've seen on this board, I don't really consider mine that bad. It is still hurtful and it will still take hard work to overcome. Three months isn't that long of a time and since he is the one who is making the decision and the limitations, it shouldn't take long before he has rid his system of this drug.

 

He's not only my husband. He's my very best friend. So yes I want him to come back even after all of this. I remember him for who he is. After three months, this OW doesn't know him, I do. And I love him. And we are joined together in the eyes of God. Of course, I'm going to take him back. We have a future to work on.

[MrsHellFire]

"He doesn't want to talk to her or deal with her after he moves. He's going to change his cell number and even add me to his cellphone plan so that there are no secrets. These were all HIS suggestions. "

 

But in the meantime, he's still living with her and sleeping with her cause he's too much of a coward to break it off. This is making me want to throw up.

[MrsHellFire]

"And we are joined together in the eyes of God. "

 

If God is watching everywhere, he also left his wife AND KIDS, and screwed another woman in the "eyes of God"... Not only that, but I read another post of yours and it talks about how he was meeting OTHER women off the internet too!!! No good...

 

I'd be careful before letting this rodent back in.

[Chump64]

Makeit, please don't be so naive. He would be out of her place by now if he meant what he said. Don't let yourself be so easily fooled. You are only setting yourself up for more and more heartache. You have to draw the line and then take responsibility for how much BS you are willing to take.

 

He is still with her. It's as simple as that.

 

Pay attention to the walk, not the talk. The walk says he is still at her house and still screwing her.

 

Please, please, please find your way out of denial.

[OzGirl]

Does he want to come back because he can't stand the guilt? Because when (and if) he does, how do you know he won't leave you again because he can't stand the shame?

 

I said it above, and the BS believe there's no sympathy for the OW. Of course there's not.

 

So, he should tell her I'M LEAVING YOU TO GO BACK TO MY WIFE, and end it with her outright and properly.

 

Not only will that hopefully stop the OW acting on her pain and keeping herself involved in both your life and and your husband's by expecting an explanation from him, but it will make sure he doesn't STILL HAVE A FOOT IN THAT DOOR.

 

BS see the result of man who sneaked around behind their back. The OW knows exactly HOW he got away with it by colluding with him to do it. So, she's a "type" of person, and you have no consideration for her. Fine. Then beware the open door she has for him.

 

My point was - HE opened it. HE has to close it. Doing a runner is leaving it unlocked.

[Ladyjane14]

I do believe that he knows the full extent of his actions. Knowing who he is, I suspect that as soon as he sees me he'll be on his knees begging for my forgiveness. He's looking at this situation and seeing that if it was done to him how he would feel.

 

We talked about what started this whole thing. And he told me that if our relationship was better then he wouldn't have given her a second look. He would've shut her down from the door.

 

{sigh}..... I still see problems here, MakeIt.

 

You both seem to have expectations of how things should be, or how they should've been. You say, "I suspect that as soon as he sees me he'll be on his knees begging for my forgiveness." That's not likely to be the case. And if it is, I doubt it'll last for too terribly long.

 

When he told you 'that if your relationship had been better he wouldn't have given her a second look', he was still blame-shifting. What are you going to do if he doesn't take full and complete responsibility for his decision to ABANDON his family? How will he effectively change the mind-set that allowed him to cheat if he's still trying to find reasons why it was YOUR fault that it happened?

 

Yes.... When you're dealing with infidelity, there are almost always deficits in the marriage which cause disharmony in the relationship. That said, there was NOTHING you did that caused him to stick his d*ck in somebody else. He made that decision all on his own.

 

Not only that, but I read another post of yours and it talks about how he was meeting OTHER women off the internet too!!! No good...

 

After I saw this post, I went back and had another look at your other thread too. This guy has done a complete 180 on you in THREE WEEKS time!

And he's got a history of attempting to meet women on the internet for sex???? What's up with that? It smacks of entitlement to me. "Entitlement" is what serial cheaters are made out of!

 

I'm not sure what to tell you here. I think that with MUCH TREPIDATION, I might still allow him back if I were in your shoes due to the instability of your circumstances. But girl, you've got trouble on your hands....and that's for sure.

 

Think VERY CAREFULLY about this. Make sure you really want to take this chance on him. You've already got him out of your house right now (and sometimes it's difficult to make a cheating spouse leave the home.) If you allow him to move back in with you and he somehow manages to get away without addressing his internal issues, you are destined to repeat this entire scenario over...and over...and over...again.

[greenshift]

He may be a great guy with many wonderful attributes, but he's also a coward.

 

He's a coward because he decided to run away to the OW instead of repairing your marriage, which is the vow that he took when you were married. He's a coward now because he's sneaking off from OW instead of just telling her the truth.

 

I couldn't care less about the OW - she has it coming. But, you need to be sure that there is NO possibility of them staying in contact, and without any sort of closure, I don't see how that's possible.

 

What if she comes home when he's moving? She probably knows something's going on. What if he told her he's going to get a place of his own, and plans to continue seeing her AND you? There are a million ways this could go wrong.

 

You need to set the rules, and he needs to own up to his failures.

 

I hope it works for you, I really do, but you can't just let him come back, no questions asked, or this will absolutely happen again, and probably a whole lot sooner than you'd imagine.

[Makeitstop]

He called me yesterday morning and told me he couldn't wait anymore and today is the day. He has moved back. She was of course distraught and even came to the house. I went down and talked with her. There was no animosity. No drama. She just cried and I hugged her because I can understand how she feels no matter how wrong she is. He came downstairs and they talked for a moment. Then she left....for good.

 

Now there is closure to the situation for them both. And I feel better about that. Now the possibility of raging drama is not on the horizon. Now we take it a day at a time.

 

I'm not in denial. Sometimes I do feel a bit lost. Sometimes I feel hurt and occasionally anger sneaks up on me. But I write about it. Then I listen to music to burn off my mood and I get busy and occupy my brain. It is a difficult situation to be in and perhaps I'll blow up later. But I doubt it because my focus is forgiveness. Not just for him. But for me and my peace of mind. Through forgiveness and understanding I've been able to look at the situation through objective eyes. Not just through my pain or through his pain. Through both. It takes that understanding to move past things or else I'd hurt forever. And that simply will not do.

 

A day at a time folks. We've discussed being responsible for each other's security. And no he didn't beg my forgiveness But that's acceptable. I wouldn't want him to grovel anyhow. We have to get through this together. Not with me bashing him in the head. Feeling alone will do nothing but make this situation harder on him. He's my husband and I love him. Therefore I treat him with understanding. Not revenge.

 

So in the end he didn't run. He came down and handled his business. And I'm proud of him for that.

[greenshift]

So in the end he didn't run. He came down and handled his business. And I'm proud of him for that.

 

I'm impressed, and I'm happy for you... it seems so rare that these things work out.

 

Still, be alert; I fear the hard part is yet to come, once you get past the stress of this crisis and start dealing with the side-effects, like resentment, anger, and all those other things Yoda warned us about. You've got a lot of work in front of you both, and you still need to tackle the issues that brought this about to start with. You should investigate the possiblity of counselling.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm impressed, and I'm happy for you... it seems so rare that these things work out.

 

Still, be alert; I fear the hard part is yet to come, once you get past the stress of this crisis and start dealing with the side-effects, like resentment, anger, and all those other things Yoda warned us about. You've got a lot of work in front of you both, and you still need to tackle the issues that brought this about to start with. You should investigate the possiblity of counselling.

 

I'll second that. I'm very happy for you, MakeIt, and still a little concerned too. But, all in all...you seem unwaveringly determined. You know what you want and you're willing to work to get it. Your attitude is remarkable, and hopefully it'll carry you through.

 

Good Luck to you.

[OzGirl]

She was of course distraught and even came to the house. I went down and talked with her. There was no animosity. No drama. She just cried and I hugged her because I can understand how she feels no matter how wrong she is.

 

I can't believe you hugged her and understood how she felt.

 

It takes a really big person to have done that, and that is TRULY one of the single most phenomenal things I have ever read on LS.

 

Amazing.

 

How often I forget whilst reading about everyone's troubles, and venting my own, their is, amidst the insanity, traits in people these situations bring out in us. Often it's the worst.

 

I don't know if I could have done what you did.... again, I'm truly blown away. Just goes to prove that kindness and weakness are not the same thing.

[Makeitstop]

Yes, the hard work is here. He's depressed now and I understand why. I've been doing my best to help him through this. It's hard for me sometimes but I know that once we get through this...once he has burned off this withdrawal...we'll be ready to get to work. I'm holding a good portion of my questions until then as well. He's talking to me and being honest with me about how he feels and I try to listen and understand and digest it regardless of the magnitude. He said that he is willing to go through this pain that will come but as long as he isn't alone. And I told him that we will do it together. We'll approach this together. And as hard as this weekend has been I know it's only the beginning. Does anyone have any suggestions about where we should begin? Books, counselors in the NJ area, weekend conferences and seminars would be of help.

[OzGirl]

Absolute must have book for anyone who's been through this on any level is Not Just Friends by Shirley P. Glass. Ph. D.. I got my copy off Amazon.com if you can't find it at a book shop.

 

The front cover says: Rebuilding your Trust and Recovering your Sanity after Infidelity.

 

Her book is drawn on 2 decades of research, clinical cases, and has a step by step guide through the process from suspicion to revelation to healing.

 

I've bought about half a dozen books on the subject, and this is by far the most comprehensive and best researched book. She has dug deep into the subject, and points out where typical counsellers or psychologists who haven't focused on this subject as deeply often provide misleading advice, and why they do so and the consequences if they do.

 

Her website is http://www.shirleyglass.com/ but her book is life-changing in the face of what you're dealing with.

 

ALL people dealing with infidelity whether you're a W, a H, or and OW or OM, it can't do ANY harm in getting educated on the subject and trying to shape the future to be a better one.

 

There are so many questions "WHY". This book will help you find the answers and move forward.

[Chump64]

The book Ozgirl mentions is great. I don't think it's in print anymore though, so you almost have to order it online.

[Makeitstop]

Okay so the battle has started. Within myself of course. I feel sad and insecure alot of the times. It hurts because sometimes I even feel like he's ignoring me. Is this how it's supposed to go? I know that he's doing his best to deal with this withdrawal and I can't expect things to change after 4 days. I've done a pretty good job at keeping my anger in check as well. I don't scream and yell or accuse him of things but I think that's because I'm afraid that he'll leave if I do. So I sent an email that siad that I'm tired of walking on eggshells and asked if I could be completely honest and open with him. I don't want to remind him of why he left in the first place. I want to give him reasons to reward his being with me. I know he's dealing with his own demons. How do I encourage? Should we spend time alone together so we can talk? What if he doesn't want to talk and just wants to immerse himself in other activities, like computer games, movies (on the computer) and working out? Should I just wait until he's feeling better about things before I think about time together? Help please.

[Ladyjane14]

Yeah, you're right....this is the hard part.

 

Your husband is expecting trouble from you. He's already afraid that he's going to be living in the doghouse for the rest of his natural life. So, EVERYTHING you say to him is examined through that particular 'defensive' lens.

 

You're challenged to give him all this extra TLC in order to reassure him that you're not punishing him....all the while, you're stifling your urge to just knock his head off for being stupid.

It's a walk on a tightrope, that's for sure.

 

It's difficult to ask for your own needs to be met, when you're dealing with a guy who hasn't fully reinvested in the relationship yet. But I think it's okay to admit that you're uncertain as to how to proceed...to just tell him you don't know how to approach him without making him feel cornered.

 

This was a problem in my reconciliation as well. I felt like I was harping on my husband with questions and my need for verbal reassurance. And despite my husband's ready willingness to accomodate me, he was feeling a little badgered at times. Any small display of impatience or disinterest on his part used to put me into a tailspin. Finally, I just couldn't bring myself to ASK for what I needed.

 

We took it to MC, and what we worked out was that he would come to me instead. In order to do that, he needed to observe me a little more closely. If I seemed sad or stressed, he'd come and ask me if I needed to talk.

 

This put the ball back in his court. He had some control of the situation that he didn't have before. And because he was doing a pretty good job, I felt more secure that he was truly interested in meeting my ENs. After awhile, I was more comfortable going to him for reassurance when I needed it.

[Chump64]

Makeitstop, I hope I don't offend you, but based on your posts I am a little worried about you. It seems like you have forgiven your husband's betrayal in a very short period of time. I read a post of yours somewhere here that said you have forgiven him and that you won't keep an eagle eye on him. Don't push yourself to forgive too soon, or too readily.

 

Why are you walking on eggshells? Isn't he the one who cheated? Why are you afraid to speak your mind to him? Isn't he the one who hurt you? You seem to think his betrayal is your fault. "I don't want to remind him of why he left in the first place. I want to give him reasons to reward his being with me."

 

You should be yourself. If that will send him away, maybe you two aren't all that compatible?

 

Are you in counseling, or are you reading any books about healing? I hope I haven't offended you. But you are the person who needs to be cared for and pampered, if he is going to win you back. It's all about YOU now. There is no reason for you to be tiptoeing around and being nice to him. None at all.

[jmargel]

I want to give him reasons to reward his being with me

 

That right there has sent up a red flag for me. He is not a dog. You should not have to give him reason & reward him for being with you. He should want to be with you because of who you are naturally, because he loves you, needs & wants you.

 

You have taken all this hurt and tried to dismiss it or bury it. You can't. It will come out in ways that will destroy what you have left. It's like taking a bandaid and covering a wound that needs stitches. It just won't work.

 

There's also not just 'one talk' about what went on. Any questions, concerns, feelings etc.. that you have should be answered by him honestly at anytime you feel the need to talk about it. Whether you talk about it for a week or years, whatever it takes to help heal your heart and the marriage.

 

Get an appointment with a licensed marriage counselor this week. You are trying to be his counselor and you can't. By doing so you are pushing down all your feelings. Get an appt. and let them do their job. They'll be able to make you see & understand things that you can't on your own.

 

If you were to yell and scream at him about what he's done, that's ok. But once the screaming stops make sure those last words you say is that 'I still love you'. It's not that you hate him, it's that you hate what he did.

 

This affair right now is just dealing with the topics. You need to deal with the issues as well. Deal with what caused all of this. Though there is no excuse for what's he's done there is obvious miscommunication or trouble in your marriage. It can be repaired but you need to go about it the right way. Identify these issues and resolve them. Kinda like pulling a weed by the leaves. It might kill it temporarily but unless you get the roots out (the issues) it'll grow back.

 

Talk to a close friend and of course keep talking on here. Don't give all of yourself up in regards to 'how he is going to feel if you do this..' or afraid of him leaving. It's his job now to put some security back into this marriage. He needs to learn what he has to do to make this marriage work. Both need to put 100% in otherwise it work won't.

 

Again, find a good counselor and make an appointment. It's essential.