Forgiveness after Infidelity

[greenshift]

Greenshift, thank you sooo much. You've been a God-send in this situation. That is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. That this won't last forever. I knew that but for some reason when someone else says it, it makes it into reality.

 

If anything I have said has made this even 1% better for you, then I'm very, very glad.

 

Something else that occurred to me:

 

Part of this process involves your husband opening up to you about how he's feeling and it's natural (incredibly annoying from your perspective, but natural nonetheless) for him to have feelings of loss and regret over the OW. It's important, if he does choose to discuss this with you, to try and avoid becoming defensive and try not to take anything that he says personally, because its rooted in pain, not reason.

 

But, this does get better, if you both give it time. And it seems like you're on the right path. Keep it up.

[Makeitstop]

I woke up today feeling crappy...like I've done every day this week. I usually send my H an email telling him how much I care about him. After I've done that it usually subsides. Today I didn't send him an email because I felt like I might be smothering him.

 

The truth is I have no idea how he feels. I know that he's going through ups and downs and that probably most times he's hurting. It would just be helpful if he told me that. I'm not sure why it's important for me to hear him say he's hurting. Probably so I don't feel like I'm guessing. I'm doing the best I can with my resources, time, and energy to make him feel loved, wanted, and cared for. I'm trying to adopt a new philosophy on how a wife should act and be. It's weary sometimes and I feel burned out at times.

 

I guess I'm typing this because there's no one in my life I feel comfortable with sharing how I feel right now. Some of it might be withdrawal (I let go of a male "friend" that was coming in between my relationship with my H)...or it could just be a general depressed feeling.

 

Actually I'm starting to feel better now that I've vented. Perhaps it's just the need to talk to someone who understands. I don't know anyone who's been through this before, personally, who's willing to encourage me.

 

Thanks for listening.

[greenshift]

Vent all you want - that's what this place is here for. However, it would help you to find a real, live person that you could talk to. I'm not going to say counseling again, but, whoops, I did.

 

You can't force him to open up to you, but you can make it clear that it's okay for him to share how he's feeling. He's probably just so caught up in his own pain, anger and confusion right now that he can't really see beyond that. That'll get better with some time - I think your job is just to maintain an environment where, when he needs someone to talk to, he knows he can come to you.

 

Another note: don't go overboard with the "brand new you." I essentially turned myself into a slave for my ex when I was trying to save things, and it doesn't help. Not to say that you shouldn't be nicer, do nice things for him, etc, just don't do it to the point where you're not taking care of your own needs, as well. Also, with the emails - it's a nice gesture, but, again, don't go overboard.

 

It's a tricky line to walk, but I'm sure you'll do fine.

[Makeitstop]

He's lying to me again. And now he doesn't care. I have bared the guilt of this relationship and it doesn't matter to him. He doesn't even care whether I live or die. He's turned off his cell phone even. He's been with her again. And he's lying about it. So now he's back to square one and so am I.

 

How can I love or be with a lying man? I have some decisions to make.

[Makeitstop]

Okay...*sigh* I'm breathing again. I freaked out early this morning. But I've made my decision. I could use some encouragement from people who've been through this though. I need some calming and reassuring words.

[Walking away]

You are going to be okay....Keep telling yourself that. It is true. The pain is going to be there for a long time, but you will eventually get through it. I have been through it too. I grieved heavily, didn't function really, and then, the healing began.

 

Sometimes, being IN a situation is more painful than being OUT of a situation. I think that is what is happening with you.

 

You are a wonderful woman....someone who deserves the best that life has to offer. You are going to be better than okay...you will come out of this victorious and stronger.

 

Big hugs to you....You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[greenshift]

I'm so, so sorry you're going through this. At least you know that you've tried everything - you won't have to spend the next few months second guessing yourself. You still will, but, logically and objectively, I think you stuck in there far longer than most people would have.

 

This is going to be very, very hard. But, I think you know that you deserve to be with someone who wants *you*, and is willing to put you first. There are a lot of wonderful people out there who could make you happy when you're through with this (which won't be soon). I know that's little consolation at the moment.

 

Don't blame yourself. He made a decision when he started seeing someone else - no matter what else may have been going on in your relationship and your lives at the time, he was the one that decided to have an affair, and he is the one that decided to start lying to you again. You had no control over that decision, and you're not responsible for it.

 

I'll say it again - it gets better, no matter which path you choose. And, at this point, I don't see how you could do anything else. There come a time when we have to hold others accountable for their actions, because giving them more slack isn't helping them and it's sure as hell hurting you.

 

Time to stand up, dust yourself off, and move forward.

[Makeitstop]

It seems like it's been a long time since I've started this thread. It's only been 6 months though lol. My H doesn't like me to be on LS because he feels like I'm bashing him and that others are bashing him as well on here. Regardless, whether he reads this or not, I hope that he can be understanding.

 

I've tried my best to be understanding this past 6 months with him. This is what he asked for...understanding and patience. There are still plenty that we don't agree on concerning how this came about, the order of things, who did what first, and whatever resentment, anger, or bitterness that we both have. However, we've decided not to deal with those things. Kind of an agree to disagree. Talking about it gets us nowhere because it sounds like we're both telling two different stories...like we weren't in a relationship with each other at all but with other people.

 

Honestly, we've gotten along better in the past three months than we have in a long while. We actually hug and kiss each other now. We're able to approach each other with difficult things (non-affair related) and discuss them, sometimes argue over them, and come out in a couple of hours tops with a deeper understanding.

 

We've decided to stay together. Even with this situation still at the forefront. Sometimes we'll slip and have a terrible argument about past things that will set us back to zero, but we keep chugging along.

 

Things are evolving for me and I've taken a deeper interest in myself. I've started taking a course in order to build my own business. I've taken a deeper interest in my family for me...especially my children. My interest in my H, of course, is obvious. When he wants to be around us, he is. But he's struggling with his own Midlife Crisis (which I am now understanding it to be). Hopefully time will allow him to invest in his family because of it's value regardless of the responsibility of it all.

 

Things have changed considerably for us compared to how it was in March. I'm allowing time to do it's thing.

 

I admit that it feels different for me sometimes. I don't feel like I'm catering to the same man I knew or married. I get nervous at those times because I feel almost like I'm doing these things for a stranger. But as I said above, I'm allowing time to do it's thing. It's hard because I feel like I'm living hour to hour instead of day to day now. It's been like that all year...hour to hour. I need a vacation. I'm looking into arranging one. Think my H will come with me? lol

[Princess112]

Hi makeitstop.

 

I have to be honest, I have spent the last 5 to 6 hours just reading your entire thread, and that of your husband's, and everything else that is attached to it. I just realized, wow, that's a lot of time. O.O

 

I was curious whether you two ended up going to marriage counseling. Did you? And did your husband continue his affair after April?

 

I know it's extremely difficult to forgive, but even more difficult to forget. I'm going through the whole infidelity issue myself. I'm not saying you should forget, because that's a task that's near impossible...

 

But dwelling on the past isn't going to resolve anything. I know I'm constantly reminded of each and every thing that has happened in my relationship, but then I breathe, and I try to remember everything that has happened lately, all the good things that have happened. How are your kids? I realize they're very young still, but even a 2 year old realizes when something is wrong. Also, did you get the puppy after all?

 

I'm glad you've decided to keep working at your relationship... the only true loser is he who gives up immediately.

 

It only feels like he's a different man because he's done things you never expected him to do... but people don't change.. you only get to know them better. Concentrate on yourself, and your children, I'm happy that you've taken courses and done other things of the like.

 

Please...

Forget the affair... quit arguing about it, quit wanting to find reasoning for it... all it will do is hurt you both. It's over, it's past, concentrate on your child, their beginning their pre-school years and all that lovely stuff you have ahead of you. Best of luck!

[CastingPearls]

You seem to have inexhaustible patience and understanding for your husband. Only you can decide when you have had enough. It took me 26 years before I finally threw in the towel, though many, many people pointed out to me how misplaced my love, trust and respect for him were. I defended him to the hilt, made excuses for him and protected him from harsh criticism. I truly believed he wanted to be better and it was up to me to be sure he got that chance-over and over again! Do you know when I woke up? When our own son pointed out how embarassed he was by his fathers behavior. That really hurt, because I believed in keeping the family together at all costs. We had a cool, courteous relationship, but only if I never brought up his other life. That is not a marriage. I have been divorced about a year now, and the pain is slowly easing up, but I wish to God I had listened to all that good advice I got years ago. Good luck with your decisions. I hope they turn out better than mine.

[Makeitstop]

Yes he is still with her.

 

No we don't have a puppy...just a babygirl on the way.

 

Yes we are in marriage counselling.

 

Honestly, I feel like a fool sometimes. It's half and half. Sometimes I feel stupid for even being here...for even trying with him. Other times I feel like I'll regret it if I don't wait and see.

 

He has promised that he would break up with her by the time the baby comes. I've got 8 more weeks and counting until he says she will no longer be an issue.

 

Oh and he actually said he loves me...which is more than he would ever say when he first came back. Things have gone from nothing to something with us. We sleep together and even cuddle from time to time. He's always expressing how happy he is that we're having another baby. I just don't know what is truth and what isn't. That's why I'm waiting to see before I judge, I guess.

[Princess112]

Damn...

 

sweetheart, he's still with her?! He had told you he would stop contact as soon as you two moved in... and that didn't happen. What makes you think, 6 months later, that he'll stop as soon as the baby comes in?

 

If he loved you, he wouldn't make you go through all of this. Not this long. It's TOO MUCH.

 

Sweetie, the baby within you feels all of your emotions... all your negativism is transferred over to him/her. It isn't healthy for your baby nor for you to be in such a state of depression.

 

I feel like you don't have the strength anymore... to do anything really, neither leave him, nor stay with him.

 

My father had an affair a long time ago... he was with his co-worker (mind you, my mother was his co-worker TOO). After the revelation period, my mother suffered greatly, constant crying, into a deep state of depression... children pick up on that, at least the sadness... and then blame it on themselves. She kicked him out of the house for several months, while he stayed with his mother. And then came back. They're still together now... but they're not happy. I know my mother is always thinking about the betrayal, and she has fallen out of love for my father. To this day I tell her to get a divorce. (I'm 19) Frankly, it's better. I would much rather go through that healing process that's necessary for divorce than have her stay treating the open wound. But she doesn't listen.

 

It's a situation that hurts everyone, and things will get much worse before they get any better. Now you have THREE children to think about.

 

 

 

:::hugs:::

[Makeitstop]

Actually I'm in a different place now. I can't say that it still doesn't hurt sometimes but I understand more about this situation...about her and about him. I know alot about her. Alot more than she knows about me. She only knows what he tells her. I know what goes on between them and what goes on between he and I. It's interesting, really. He's promised us both forever...but he and I are the only ones that have something to hold that bargain up. They have love. We have that and more.

 

I feel kind of sorry for her too. She's alone in this world with her disease and has chosen to cling to my husband for her needs. She doesn't feel like she can be happy and fulfilled without him. She's even told him that she's willing to be the OW as long as she has him in her life. He's told her that he's not leaving me and about our child and everything (I've seen proof of this). But she is clinging regardless.

 

Don't get me wrong...he is clinging to her too. And I can understand that after all that I put him through last year. I'm choosing to be patient because I know this man. He's never done anything like this and honestly I believe this is a phase he's going through based on the way he grew up, etc. and so forth. I see where he's coming from. It's where he is right now.

 

I used to feel threatened by her but when I look at her all I can feel is pity and sadness for her. She's a casualty in the war that was waging between my husband and I. And although he still sees her...what matters to me most is his follow through. He comes home to me every night. I've put boundaries in place and he's followed them. He's put boundaries on himself and held up to them. Despite the OW, he and I are getting better.

 

He's lying to us both sometimes and telling us truths sometimes. I'm not sure whether she can after 8 months of knowing him but I can tell the difference. There's nothing that he does that is hidden from me. But he's my best friend still, throughout this whole situation (and I am his). Despite the wife part of me that hurts from this, the best friend in me won't let him go through something like this by himself. Regardless of what pain I or the OW feel, I know that he is hurting the most with a double mind.

 

As I said before, time will tell.

[greenshift]

I'll keep this brief:

 

You're in marriage counselling, and he's still with her?

 

'Nuf said about that. In other news, he doesn't like LS because people here are bashing him? Well, that's not entirely true: people here have been bashing his actions, not his person, per se.

 

Look, I had an affair about five years ago. It sucked. I owned up to it. Things got better. About two years ago, my then-wife had an affair, and dragged it out for over a year. I blamed myself because I felt like I "owed her one," that my louse-up meant that I didn't have the right to call her on hers.

 

It doesn't work that way. I know it's a cliche', but two wrongs do not, in fact, make a right, and just because you made a mistake in the past does not mean that he gets a get-out-of-jail-free card.

 

I'm glad your in counselling, and I respect your commitment to your marriage. I held on to mine long after the corpse had withered and died. I've since remarried (something that I never thought would happen), and I'm really, truly content. Life does, in fact, go on.

 

At any rate, you've heard all of this before. Take care.

[greenshift]

BTW, my signature is no longer valid. Please ignore. =)

[Ladyjane14]

I haven't got any really constructive advice that I haven't given you before. IMHO, your husband is a RAT and you should divorce him post-haste.

 

But since you seem determined to stay with him anyway, the best I can offer you it this....

 

Talk to your pastor. It's not reasonable for people who profess religious beliefs, which I assume to be Judeo-Christian in nature and thus governed by The Ten Commandments.... to tolerate adultery this way.

 

Did you marry in church?

Because if you did... how can the breaking of the commandment, "Thou shalt not commit adultery", NOT be viewed as a sin? I can understand how a person might wed outside the church and then agree to some kind of "open" marriage. But if that's not what happened, then I just can't wrap my mind around why a person would be willing to live outside his belief-system like that.

 

Anyway, maybe your pastor can think of some way to get through to your WH.

[EndoftheRope]

Actually I'm in a different place now. I can't say that it still doesn't hurt sometimes but I understand more about this situation...about her and about him. I know alot about her. Alot more than she knows about me. She only knows what he tells her. I know what goes on between them and what goes on between he and I. It's interesting, really. He's promised us both forever...but he and I are the only ones that have something to hold that bargain up. They have love. We have that and more.

 

Of course it hurts. What he's doing is wrong. It sounds like you are doing your damndest to shove the feelings underground, but you can't force yourself, ultimately, to feel okay with something that clearly is not.

 

It doesn't matter what you understand or know about her. What he's doing is wrong. Is this really how you want to live for the next 40 or 50 years, sharing your husband? Is this the example you want to set for your child, about what a marriage is?

 

I'm curious how you know that you know more about her, etc. Have you talked to her personally? Or do you 'know' this because he tells you so?

 

You may have love for him, but if he had love for you, would he really be treating you this way? Love, so they say, is an action, and continuing to lie to and betray someone is not a loving action.

 

I feel kind of sorry for her too.

That she is a person to be pitied does not entitle her to a piece of your husband. Nor does it entitle him, a MARRIED MAN, to take care of her. If you allow this with her, then you have no objections to make when he starts sleeping with another pitiful woman, or a third or fourth. You have, in effect, agreed that he can have affairs with pitiful women.

 

And I can understand that after all that I put him through last year. I'm choosing to be patient because I know this man. He's never done anything like this and honestly I believe this is a phase he's going through based on the way he grew up, etc. and so forth.

 

After all YOU'VE put HIM through? Were you also cheating on him and repeatedly lying to him? He most certainly has done something like this before. He's been doing it under your nose for the last six months that you know of. You know now that he's very capable of lying and deceiving, so why are you so sure you know everything? I think you said you've been married 5 years. To me, over half a year out of five is too large a portion to be dismissed as a phase. This, it looks like to me, IS who he is. Do you want another 40 or 50 years of this?

 

 

I've put boundaries in place and he's followed them. He's put boundaries on himself and held up to them. Despite the OW, he and I are getting better.

 

Of course he's followed them. If I understand this right, your boundaries are, do what you want with her, and if you come home at night, you can get it from me, too. This guy is having his cake and eating it, too. No wonder he's happy to follow those 'boundaries!'

 

I hope I don't seem harsh. I don't mean to be. It breaks my heart to see you with a baby on the way convincing yourself it isn't that bad. I know it's scary to think of being alone with a new baby, but what he's doing is wrong, and it WILL continue because he has absolutely no reason to quit.