Forgiveness after Infidelity

[Hurtingtoo]

might I suggest "After the Affair" by...our therapist has recommended this to us and it points to things on both sides, the hurt partner and the unfaithful one. Covering feelings on both sides. It also starts to go into the steps for forgivness and recovery. I am at the same boat as your husband, withdraw mode. But I know that will pass eventually. It has been 3 wks since all contact has been eliminated (by me and my husband) so that time has been hard on both of us. We both agreed (With our therapists help now is the time to reasure each other while we are going through our own issues until we can actually start going on with the questions of why, how come and how to recommunicate.

 

Sorry if a post from the "other side" is not meant ot be

[jmargel]

I want to give him reasons to reward his being with me

 

That right there has sent up a red flag for me. He is not a dog. You should not have to give him reason & reward him for being with you. He should want to be with you because of who you are naturally, because he loves you, needs & wants you.

 

You have taken all this hurt and tried to dismiss it or bury it. You can't. It will come out in ways that will destroy what you have left. It's like taking a bandaid and covering a wound that needs stitches. It just won't work.

 

There's also not just 'one talk' about what went on. Any questions, concerns, feelings etc.. that you have should be answered by him honestly at anytime you feel the need to talk about it. Whether you talk about it for a week or years, whatever it takes to help heal your heart and the marriage.

 

Get an appointment with a licensed marriage counselor this week. You are trying to be his counselor and you can't. By doing so you are pushing down all your feelings. Get an appt. and let them do their job. They'll be able to make you see & understand things that you can't on your own.

 

If you were to yell and scream at him about what he's done, that's ok. But once the screaming stops make sure those last words you say is that 'I still love you'. It's not that you hate him, it's that you hate what he did.

 

This affair right now is just dealing with the topics. You need to deal with the issues as well. Deal with what caused all of this. Though there is no excuse for what's he's done there is obvious miscommunication or trouble in your marriage. It can be repaired but you need to go about it the right way. Identify these issues and resolve them. Kinda like pulling a weed by the leaves. It might kill it temporarily but unless you get the roots out (the issues) it'll grow back.

 

Talk to a close friend and of course keep talking on here. Don't give all of yourself up in regards to 'how he is going to feel if you do this..' or afraid of him leaving. It's his job now to put some security back into this marriage. He needs to learn what he has to do to make this marriage work. Both need to put 100% in otherwise it work won't.

 

Again, find a good counselor and make an appointment. It's essential

[Makeitstop]

...for this indiscretion. We had a conversation about it. And that has made me feel somewhat better. He told me that he needs me to communicate to him about what's going on with me and he'll come to me to talk when he needs to.

 

However, I would deluded if I said that this was all his fault. It's partially mine as well. He's had an Emotional and a Physical affair. So have I almost a year ago. The issues that lead to my affair were not resolved. Neither did we treat it as such. My emotional affair was with a close male friend of mine and although I didn't realize it at the time...that's what it was. I'm JUST now realizing this through this situation. I was having an emotional affair. And I haven't cut him off from my life yet My husband asked about him today and I told him that I realize that I have to do that now. I didn't think my friendship with him was harming my relationship but it was/is. In short, I felt trapped and completely unloved by my husband at the time and I left and spent the weekend at this male friend's house without telling my husband (I lied and said I was elsewhere). This OM treated me in such a way that I immediately began escapism when I went back home and started having dreams and fantasies about him. This OM doesn't know this and several months ago he confessed to me that he is gay so that cleared up the infactuation. But my husband still wanted him out of our lives and I wasn't willing to let go of our friendship.

 

The physical one that I had was a one night with a guy that I didn't really know. We made out that night. When my husband found out he went through serious anger, sadness and depressed stages. Then he went out and had an emotional affair which he stopped once I found out. Then he developed a physical/emotional relationship with this co-worker. Now he's stopped that.

 

So you see, I'm not angry because I am wrong too. In a way, my husband and I have switched places and we're at a crossroads where he has felt what I'm feeling and I have felt what he is feeling. Has there ever been a situation where two partners go through withdrawal at the same time? Because that is exactly what will happen once I tell this male friend to hit the road. I haven't talked to him in about a week and a half but I feel like I owe it to him to let him know what's going on and why. He's been my friend for almost 10 years. I've been married for 4 and a half so he's not going to understand it.

 

These are realizations that I came to today. I never really "got" how much it hurt my husband. I never understood why he demanded that I not talk to my male friend again. Now I get it, finally. We never recovered from all of that. This is the crossroad we have finally met at. Now we're looking ahead and attempting to get through the weed covered path ahead of us and behind us so that we can make something of this marriage.

[Makeitstop]

Today has started out bad for me. I feel really depressed and on the verge of tears again. I really hate feeling like this.

 

I think that he's withdrawing from me. He doesn't want to talk to me. I hear it in his voice. He said last night that I was bothering, smothering, and annoying him. So what do I do now?

 

I think that if I chase him he'll withdraw further to the point of not wanting to be with me anymore. If I withdraw too will it have a reverse effect? or will it feed us going our separate ways?

 

All I wanted to do was talk and I want him to talk to me. Maybe he isn't ready yet? How can I be sure that he'll come and talk to me? And how can I be sure that he's not talking to someone else about OUR relationship...better yet another female? I'm so sad and disappointed. I don't want this to be the end but it seems like everything I do is wrong. I'm really panicking here. What do I do?

[Ladyjane14]

Relax. Rome wasn't built in a day...and ALL these problems won't be solved in a day either. It takes time. Like a little drop in the bucket, one drop at a time....every day.

 

Try to focus on you and what you're doing. Get on with your daily business. Get your 'to-do' list in your hand, and start working on normalizing your family's routine.

 

The urge to 'freak out' will pass. And when it comes on you again...same thing. Let it go. Put your focus on the things you CAN control, stop worrying about that which is 'beyond your control', and voila!....you've gained control over YOUR day.

[Chump64]

I'm sorry you are in such a bad place. I can tell you what I'd do, but it may not be your thing.

 

I would start putting some distance out there, as hard as it may be. Don't let him know you are really hurting and wanting him to be close with you. Let him feel the distance - let him feel you pushing away a bit. Find things to do that don't involve him. Go out with friends, go to a bookstore and hang out there for a few hours, go to a movie, etc. Don't cry and beg for him to talk to you. Don't let him think you are dying inside or that you can't live without him (even if that may be true). The worst thing you can do is act desperate and pathetic. (And I am NOT saying that you are acting that way, I have no idea! I am just giving you my opinions.) That will force him to crap or get off the pot. It will force him to think about what's at stake, what it might be like if he loses you. If he doesn't want to lose you, he will come closer. If he doesn't care, he will become more distant, and maybe that is a reflection on his true commitment, as painful as it might be.

 

Does he truly think that you are serious? In my situation, I barely looked at, spoke or touched my husband for a week. He did not sleep in our bed for almost a month. (I would have preferred a temporary separation, but that's a different story.) My actions were very hard on him and he snapped out of the fog pretty quickly and became contrite, practically begging me to let him / let us get on the road to recovery.

 

It sounds like your husband is not yet sure whether he wants to commit to your marriage. Are you two in counseling?

 

Ask yourself: Would it be the worst thing in the world if this marriage ended? Probably not. You would survive, no?

 

Are there kids involved?

[Chump64]

And he's got a history of attempting to meet women on the internet for sex????

 

I went back and read the beginning page of this thread, and this quote (above) caught my eye.

 

At the beginning of this thread, your husband was begging to have you let him move back, and he told you he wanted to be honest with you and wanted you to be honest with him. But now he won't talk to you? Combined with this quote above, I just wanted to re-emphasize that if this is going to work for you two, you need to get a counselor involved ASAP, and you need to be 100 percent honest. And no offense, but I'd look for a secular (vs. faith-based) counselor.

 

Remember, pay attention to the walk, not the talk.

 

Good luck. I hope things work out the way you want.

[Ladyjane14]

I would start putting some distance out there, as hard as it may be. Don't let him know you are really hurting and wanting him to be close with you. Let him feel the distance - let him feel you pushing away a bit.......That will force him to crap or get off the pot. It will force him to think about what's at stake, what it might be like if he loses you.

 

I have to respectfully disagree, Chump. While I can see some potential value in withdrawing from the relationship during separation, I don't see it here. The WS has come home ostensibly to "work on the relationship". While it doesn't sound like he's getting a whole lot accomplished....at least he's home and has broken off the affair. This is an important step and should probably be recognized as such.

 

Emotional Distance is what lands us in the mess to begin with, I don't see how creating more of it could be of any benefit....particularly in the reconciliation phase.

 

We can't "force" our mate to do ANYTHING that they don't want to do. And if we could force them, what would the actual gain be?

I don't see how it would result in anything less than full-blown resentment and recalcitrant behavior. Your mate has to WANT to be with you. Nothing else will keep him there in the long run.

 

In light of MakeIt's previous affair, she can't afford to be perceived as bitter. She's living in a 'glass house' here and probably ought not to be throwing stones.

 

I'm not trying to minimize her pain AT ALL. Her feelings of betrayal aren't any less valid than that of any other BS. But it doesn't add up that she should behave indignantly with him either. He knows she's in the BTDT club on this. He'll be expecting her to understand what he's feeling right about now.

 

If it was me....I'd 'toe the line'. I wouldn't withdraw but I wouldn't push him either. I'd just do my thing....kind of like taming a barn cat. You don't grab him, you wait for him to come to you. And when he does...he always has a nice friendly experience which he begins to associate with YOU.

A little saucer of milk and a gentle scratch on the ears goes a long, long way. Next thing you know, he's offering you half his mouse.

[elmejor]

Makeitstop, I hope I don't offend you, but based on your posts I am a little worried about you. It seems like you have forgiven your husband's betrayal in a very short period of time. I read a post of yours somewhere here that said you have forgiven him and that you won't keep an eagle eye on him. Don't push yourself to forgive too soon, or too readily...

Why are you walking on eggshells? Isn't he the one who cheated? Why are you afraid to speak your mind to him? Isn't he the one who hurt you?...you are the person who needs to be cared for and pampered, if he is going to win you back. It's all about YOU now. There is no reason for you to be tiptoeing around and being nice to him. None at all.

I'm not trying to be disrespectful here, but wouldn't being nice to a spouse that you want to stay together with be a good idea? The fact that they're happy when with the OW, and treated "nice"--isn't that part of the reason they stray in the first place?

[greenshift]

Prolog: this isn't your fault, but it's mostly up to you to help fix it. How much does that suck?!

 

I don't think more distance is the answer here, and I find it difficult to imagine how a separation would help you be closer.

 

Here's what he's thinking: he's lost something that made him feel good, much like a drug. It was bad (for you, him, and the two of you together), and he knows that, which is why he's back home. He's got two factions warring inside of him right now: the withdrawl-stricken part that made him seek out another woman to start with, and the part that loves you and wants to make things right. You should know, from you experience, that this isn't easy to do.

 

Do NOT smother him, or attempt to "fix" everything right now. The best thing I think you can do is just be there, and give him time to get his head on straight. He's sending a lot of mixed signals - he's home, but he doesn't want to talk to you. He's "working on the marriage," but you don't feel close to him. I think most, if not all, of this is a result of the conflict he's trying to work through.

 

Should he be begging for your forgiveness, on one knee, trying to make you the happiest woman alive? Probably. He screwed up and he's the one that has to repair the damage. BUT, I would try to focus on the fact that you two are a team, a partnership, and sometimes you have to be the bigger person, put your own hurt to the side, and help them by not smothering your partner. It's not right, it's not fair (there was no parking, anywhere...) but, if you really want this to work, you're, unfortunately, going to have to cater to him for a bit.

 

This is *not* to say that you forgive him, or even that what he's doing right now is okay; it's just realizing that your marriage, the next 50-odd years of your life together, is more important than mood swings and the bumpy road you're on right now.

 

Go see a counsellor if you aren't already. It's hard, it's uncomfortable, it can be expensive (or not - there are a lot of ways to get help here that won't break the bank), but it's the best thing you can do. Even if you can't go together for whatever reason, you should consider going alone.

 

Good luck, and hang in there.

[Chump64]

We can't "force" our mate to do ANYTHING that they don't want to do. And if we could force them, what would the actual gain be?

 

Exactly my point. She needs to be strong and independent and show him that she doesn’t need to lick his feet to get him back. She doesn’t need to be mean to him, but she can’t smother him either, begging him to talk to her.

 

JMO, of course, but a bit of coolness is not the same as treating him poorly. A bit of coolness may well wake him up a bit. Nothing is a bigger turnoff than desperation, crying and begging (and again, I'm not saying she is doing this -- I have no clue.)

 

I'm not trying to say ""Be a raving b*tch and go do stuff without him." I'm trying to say: hold your head up, show your dignity and let him prove why he's worthy of being taken back.

 

 

[Makeitstop]

Sigh...He decided that he wants to go to the movies by himself this Friday. And when I asked him questions about it he got defensive. He says he doesn't want to be questioned everytime he decides to go somewhere. But doesn't it make sense to be accountable to the person you lied to? I told him that I wouldn't question him if he agreed to set aside times during the week where I have his undivided attention. He said okay.

 

Somehow I still feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick here. Looks like I'll just have to bite the bullet for now and see how it goes for the next few weeks. I feel frustrated. I'm willing to be accountable and do all I can. I don't see how spending time separately is going to fix things. Maybe I have to wait until he decides to see value in it. But then again how will I know when he does or if he ever will? It's hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And I'm really tired of crying.

[Chump64]

My initial impression is that he is not very interested in reconciling with you. BUT, it's early. Give it some time.

 

Do you know the real circumstances re: why he moved out? Are you sure he wasn't booted? Also, I'm suspicious about the movie. I think I'd scope things out and make sure he goes "alone."

 

I know I sound like a broken record, but -- COUNSELING! ASAP. I would have made that a requirement before he moved back in.

 

Good luck.

[Ladyjane14]

He decided that he wants to go to the movies by himself this Friday. And when I asked him questions about it he got defensive.

 

Well....that sounds kind of fishy actually.

Does he make a habit of going to the movies alone? Is this normal behavior for him? Honestly, I don't think I ever remember going to the movies all alone. It just seems kind of weird to me.

 

Is there any way you can have a friend tail him? Can you get a GPS or voice activated recorder in his car by Friday?

 

It's one thing to be putting 100% into the relationship when your WS is making an honest go of it. But it's just enabling 'affair behavior' if he gets away with sneaking out to see OW.

[Summerday]

Makeitstop, I take my hat off to you for the way you've handled your situation... Your husband has no idea how lucky he is to have someone like you in his life. I hope he treasures you forever, and realizes that women like you are few... And I hope he never repeats what he has done to you.

 

Good luck to you!

[greenshift]

That sounds really odd. Sometimes I want to do something alone, but I don't plan it three days in advance.

 

Accepting this might be a bit too accomodating. My concern is that you may have been applying too much pressure (and just being there is a form of pressure at the moment, unfortunately - every time he looks at you he has to think about what he's done) and he may be having second thoughts.

 

I'm not sure what the right thing to do is here but, remain calm. My instincts tell me that he's proven he can't be trusted, and for him to just expect you to trust him is unreasonable on his part. At the same time, acting as if you don't trust him may be pushing him away. A compromise may be to let him do what he will, but keep a watchful eye on things.

 

Having a friend tail him might blow up in your face.

 

At the end of the day, you can't control him. But, what you tell him in no uncertain terms that you love him, that you want this to work, and that if he ever does anything like this ever again, he's out; there are no third chances. He needs to be doing everything in his power to convince you that everything is on the up-and-up, and going out alone doesn't, imho, qualify.

 

I don't remember seeing anything about counselling - what's the status on that?

[greenshift]

Another thing:

 

Make sure you're taking care of yourself in all of this. You were the wronged party here - don't succumb to the temptation to try and "win" his affection. He's your husband - you already won, and just letting him come home demonstrates how you feel about him, whether or not he's aware enough to realize it.

 

Don't let yourself become a doormat. (Don't be a raging b*tch, either - there has to be a happy compromise somewhere in the middle.)

 

Good luck.

[Makeitstop]

It sounds fishy to me too but I have to remember that this is a habit that he created when we were having problems. He didn't want to be around the stressful atmosphere of the house so he would go to the movies every Friday night to get some peace. He didn't like to go at first but he started to like it. He hasn't gone in a month or two so I guess it's reasonable for him to feel like this is a good time to start up this routine again so that he can gain some peace of mind.

 

He said that if he wanted to leave, he would just leave. He said he doesn't have the time or energy to waste on creating excuses. It seems like he just wants to have a good time around me. If I look sad or if he hears something in my voice he asks me what's wrong or he takes a sigh and goes "what now?". He wants to just have a stressfree time around me. Which makes sense too I'm assuming.

 

I actually even asked if he would be going to see the OW. He got defensive again. He said he knew this was going to happen and he resents being treated like a child. He's always had those issues though. We argued sometimes before all of this because he thought I was trying to control him.

 

It seems like it's no win here and I'm going to have to let him do what he wants to do in order for me to truly gain all of him back. I just don't want him to spend so much time out having a life that he forgets the reason why he's here in the first place.

 

I did schedule an appointment with a christian counselor that is going to be costly but it seems like it'll be worth it to have a third party talk to my H. He doesn't seem to listen much to what I say or think that it holds any weight. The appointment is for tomorrow and I've arranged for the kids (yes we do have children...3 and 2 years of age...a preschooler and a toddler). It's supposed to snow tomorrow though. I hope that our appointment isn't cancelled because it's a life or death matter at this point. I do realize that we can't do it on our own.

 

I've been thinking that maybe I should wait until he's mostly through withdrawal to focus on spending time together. Or on rebuilding our marriage. Maybe he needs to get through this 'fog' first in order for him to see us instead of him. In the meantime I'll just run after the kids and twiddle my thumbs.

[greenshift]

All of this sounds so familiar. I'm going to play the devil's advocate here for a minute, and I hope you take this with a grain of salt:

 

Has it occurred to you that the reason he started going to the movies on Friday is because that's when he was seeing the OW?

 

If he's being defensive, you can't push this, but prepared to find out something that you don't want to know.

 

And, if you've got an hour to kill, you might read up on _my_ experiences last year:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t65660/

 

After my ex and I decided to work on things, she took othe stance of waiting to see if I had changed before working on the marriage; of course, she was still sleeping around the entire time. I'm not saying that's what's happening here, but i've seen just about everything you've described. I got a lot of good advice I didn't take, and now I'm divorced. (BTW, I consider myself to be much better off now.)

 

A lot of the counselling places will cut you a break on price if you're in difficult financial circumstances; you might ask about that if you haven't already. Or, cancel cable and redirect funds. =)

 

Good luck. And, focus on the kids is good - it'll help you give him some breathing room. Just make sure it's so much that you lose him - a very difficult balance to find.

[Chump64]

Well it sounds like you know what you need to do, even if some of us disagree. I'm glad you found some peace of mind re: what you are going to do.

 

Good luck.

[Makeitstop]

I found receipts for a dinner he paid for with her tonight. When I showed them to him, it took him a bit to confess. He talked to her on the phone on Monday, saw her on Tuesday and went out to eat with her today. He wants to be friends with her...and yes, he was planning on going to the movies with her on Friday (bingo! Woman's intuition!).

 

I was completely devastated and it was hard to look at him at first. I still find him disgusting but I've gotten over the sick feeling in my stomach somewhat. I told him that he can not under any circumstances be friends with her and if I find out that he has been with her again then I'm going to ask him to pack and leave. I also said that I would make it a point to have a conversation with her because now she is infringing on my family.

 

He seems afraid to leave his family. He knows that he wants to be here but he doesn't feel like he's strong enough to let her go completely. He said that I drive a hard bargain and he would let her go but who knows if this is yet another lie. I'm really sick of this. Just when I'm thinking we might be making progress he goes and does this. I guess I can expect it.

 

He has said that he planned on seeing her and keeping me in the dark. He didn't want to leave his family but he doesn't want to let her go either. He doesn't want to lose her and possibly end up with nothing because he doesn't trust that I've become a better person than I was. I told him that he cannot have a girlfriend and a wife. He decided to be with his family. Now he has to follow through on his decision. He said "what if he can't" and "I don't think I can". I'm signing a new lease on Friday. I'm telling him that he has to let her go before we move because I'll be damned if we create bad memories in a new place.

 

*sigh* I'm really praying for him. He's lost his way and I completely understand how he feels. I made it clear that I'm willing to do all it takes to save this marriage. But I won't do it alone and he can't do it one foot in, one foot out. I need him completely focused. I can tell that he cares about me. I think that's the only thing that's keeping me from going completely insane.

[greenshift]

I'm so, so sorry. Believe it or not, I know exactly what you're going through right now. My ex told me time and time again that this time, she had told me the whole truth, and time and time again I found evidence, without even looking, that she was lying.

 

Moral: trust your instincts, because you obviously can't trust him.

 

Let me try and put another spin on this, one that you're probably not receptive to right now because your mind is going crazy trying to imagine how you're going to raise kids without him, how you're going to handle a divorce, how your life is going to be different than what you both had planned and why it's all so stupid, and how could he possibly continue to do this to you, to be with someone he's never had an argument with? [Affairs are idealized relationships. There's no real commitment, and all of the bad stuff - disagreements, arguments, nitpicking, etc - doesn't come up. That's one reason they look so appealing when compared with real life.]

 

Spin: If he loves you, (leaving the kids aside for the moment), there's no "I don't know if I can." There's no compromise - like you said, he's in, or he's out.

 

Only you can decide how to proceed, and I know its hard and in your shoes I'd probably just huddle in a corner and cry - in fact, I've done that on more occasions than I can count. But, if I had it do over again, I would have taken the advice given me and given him an ultimatum. It sounds like that's what you've done. I would also insist on having him call her, while you are there, and tell her to back off. And I would make it clear that his trust priveleges are revoked for the immediate future.

 

This may push him away, or it may scare him back into line. What he's doing right now is irrational, and unreasonable, and down right mean. It's NOT your fault - but I think you know that. Pray for him, but take care of yourself and your kids.

 

By tolerating ANY of this, you're letting him keep you on the back burner, so to speak, while he makes up his mind. You deserve better. You have a life together - a history, a family. Any sane person would realize that's worth infinitely more than a piece of ass.

 

Do you attend church? If so, they probably have some counselling options available if you're comfortable with that, or can recommend someone. And, I guarantee you won't be the first person that has come to the minister with this situation.

 

Be strong, take care of yourself. Love him, but don't give him any slack on this point. He's behaving like a child - he can't have both a wife and a girlfriend, and ANY, ANY contact with her is incompatible with your marriage. Don't waiver on this point.

 

I hope it works out - I really, really do. Be safe.

[greenshift]

That caught my eye - he wants YOU to be a better person?

 

You have DEMONSTRATED throughout this process how good and kind and forgivng you are. What does he want, ruby slippers and a hot air baloon? I mean, WTF?!

 

This isn't about you. It's about his selfish, childish behavior, and not wanting to let go of a new toy. Their relationship WILL fizzle - it's just a matter of if it happens now, because he wants you, and he forces it, or if its after you've left and she gets bored and he finds out that the grass is very rarely any greener.

 

I'm pissed on your behalf. (Obviously I identitify with your situation somewhat.)

 

He messed up. The two of you have issues, but this isn't about your behavior - you're not the one that's cheating.

[Lennox]

Makeitstop, I'll be blunt there and advise you to dump the bum. How the hell can this guy have the nerve to start seeing her again...especially behind your back! He should be KISSING YOUR BUTT instead of doing this to you.

 

I think you're holding over a hell of a lot of guilt for your one nighter. Would you have thought for one second that you would remain friends with your one night stand? What would his reaction have been had you told him what's he's telling you? He's playing around with your feelings because you are letting him.

 

You mention God and his being convicted. I'm sorry, but if he was truly feeling convicted, he would not have even talked to this woman again...he would have hung up on her. He's not feeling convicted because you haven't set up any firm boundaries and ramifications for his actions. He can walk all over you, and you're just going to smile sweetly and try to be gentle with him.

 

Enough already. You have two children that he will have to pay child support for, along with spousal support depending on the particular rules in your state. Don't waste anymore time on this big baby, he's not worth it. If this woman wants him so bad, she's going to have to accept him with only a partial income...cause you're going to get the rest!

 

Now, go find an attorney that handles divorces and find out what your rights are. Call your state Bar Association for a referral to an attorney that practices family law. Don't let your money situation play as a factor whether to stay with him or not...he's going to be paying you anyway.

[Ladyjane14]

He has said that he planned on seeing her and keeping me in the dark. He didn't want to leave his family but he doesn't want to let her go either. He doesn't want to lose her and possibly end up with nothing because he doesn't trust that I've become a better person than I was.

 

His presence in the marriage is clearly conditional. He's not sure he's where he WANTS to be....and that's not going to work. His words say he is...but his ACTIONS say otherwise.

 

You two have some MAJOR problems to rectify in your marriage. It REQUIRES 100% from both of you to get the job done. And he's holding back because he doesn't know if you're a "good enough person" for him??? WTF is that?!!

 

Yes...you made mistakes, but so did he. So why is it that you are accountable for yours and he's not accountable for his?

 

I'm all about emotionally supporting and understanding a WS who is FINISHED with their affair, but that's not the case here. The affair is clearly ongoing. He had already told you that he'd commit to NC before he came home, and it hasn't even been a week yet and he's already fallen off the wagon.

 

You know, I can almost understand impulsive contact. It happens fairly frequently that a WS messes up a few times before they get it right. But this was PLANNED CONTACT.

He "planned" to do this behind your back. And he justified it as being okay because he's not sure if you've made all the changes that HE wants you to make. That's a whole different ballgame.

 

Regardless of your mistakes of last year....you are NOT a 'sidedish'. You are NOT any less valuable as a partner within the marriage as he is. He doesn't get preferential treatment over you because you f*cked up and made a mistake. He f*cked up and made a mistake too. His hands aren't any cleaner than yours. And if you let him get away with treating you like this....he'll keep you groveling until you can't stand it anymore and finally leave him.

 

It's not equal treatment that you let him out of the WS doghouse....but he's gonna keep YOU in it. NO WAY.

 

I wish we'd seen a post from you before you gave him yet another chance, because you'd have preserved more credibility if you'd tossed him out on his ear last night. What's done is done though. You gave him another chance at NC and now you'll have to follow through.

 

That said, it's time for you to show a little muscle. He needs to commit to NC, and he needs to prove it to you. Ask him to write a 'No Contact Letter' and give it to you. You should send it by registered mail so that you get a signature receipt. He doesn't get to keep the contents to himself either. It should be short and to the point. Something like this:

 

"Dear OW...my previous involvement with you was a mistake that I now regret as it has caused considerable difficulties in my marriage. My wife and my family are my priority now and in the future. For this reason, it is necessary that I end any and all contact with you at this time so that I may recommit my effort to my marriage.

 

I regret any difficulties that I may have caused for you, but ask that you respect this decision. I consider it to be a permanent one and will not respond to any attempted contact from you. ....Sincerely, WS"

 

He's going to balk. That's when you "show your muscle".

You don't have to be nasty about it. And you don't have to be emotional about it either. No crying or begging, rather you simply outline what you need from him and put the ball in his court.

 

You can't afford to abet his affair. It makes a doormat out of you and you'll NEVER gain his respect if you allow that to happen. You can't operate from a base of fear. Whatever's going to happen is pretty much going to happen anyway, and you can't effectively change anyone else. All you control is you and your choices.

 

If you choose to let this guy treat you bad...that's what he's gonna do.