Forgiveness after Infidelity

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry for your pain.

 

The best thing to do is KICK HIM OUT. You and the kids need to be on your own. Ask family and friends to help.

 

Having your husband around, while he is banging his OW too is unfair and it is WRONG. Take a step back and see what damage he is doing to the kids. He is teaching them something very WRONG. Somehow, you're going to have to gather that inner strength! If you let your H stay at home, your kids will suffer more from it. They'll see mommy and daddy in different bedrooms, no kisses, no hugs, no laughing and talking.

 

Please consider this and also go talk to a therapist about how to cope.

[veronese]

Reading your thread has really touched my heart - you sound like a very kind and good person who doesn't deserve all this.

 

Go back and read this thread again hun. On Feb 23rd you told us how he voluntarily offered to break contact with this OW, saying she wasn't someone he wanted to deal with.

 

On the 25th you thought you had closure after you'd not only met his OW, but extended your compassion and sympathy towards her on your doorstep. It's your unusual gift to forgive that has probably created the situation you are now in. Your husband is confident of your love and devotion and knows what a kind heart you have.

 

Honey, my H broke my heart when he cheated on me. It was almost two years ago and the pain of the discovery is still very vivid. I also wanted my marriage to survive even though I knew the odds were against that happening. I concentrated on identifying the things essential to me, issues that had to be resolved if I had any hope of staying with this man. I knew I couldn't put my soul into a marriage if I harboured resentment towards him or felt neglected and unloved. How he felt and what he needed came second to what was essential for me.

 

More than anything I wanted our love to survive and flourish, but only if we were BOTH happy, fulfilled, loved and cared for.

 

I know that right now you haven't got the strength to kick his sorry arse out, nor would I suggest you do it even if you had a burst of energy unexpectedly. You mind is so muddled at the moment I wouldn't even recommend you decide on anything more than getting out of bed each morning and getting through the day.

 

What I do recommend you do though is try to look at this situation more clearly. Reverse roles with him for a moment...how would he react to you had you behaved exactly the same as he has? Can you imagine him one day believing your promises never to see your lover again to then realise that not only did you intend on continuing your relationship with your OM, you'd also nipped off to have a shag with him?

 

Think about it honey, if he was taking the same from you wouldn't you think he was a bit of a wanker to put up with it?

 

You want to Makeitstop but it won't until you find some of that strength you are burying inside you. If you don't like what he's offering, don't accept it.

 

Remember sweetie, having you and an OW is, for all intense and purposes, absolute bliss to your H, why would he stop having such fun when he doesn't have to? It's called cake and eating it my love.

 

State your terms and stick by them. If he doesn't like them it's up to him. Make it clear that your hope is for your marriage to continue and recover, that the problem was a result of difficulties caused by both of you that need to be addressed by you both too.

 

You can't repair the damage on your own MIS, he's got to want it too. Excusing his shallow promises will not do any good. Forgiving his weakness and insincerity will not result in a harmonious, healthy relationship between you. Accepting his demands, his infidelity, deceit and disloyalty is foolish at best. Tolerating such unbelievably outrageous behaviour a moment longer is not wise.

 

Think about your children hun, when they plead and whine for something you've told them they can't have. You know when you say no and they keep on at you hoping you'll give in? If they get their own way after bugging you for 10 minutes they'll do it again next time. If they succeed after 20 minutes of full blown tantrums they'll provide you with 20 minutes of the same next time they're not getting what they want. My H's niece has become so skilled at the art of being a pain in the arse brat she can go on for more than an hour she's that confident of winning any battle with her mother.

 

My analogy may be clumsy but the way you're dealing with your H over this is not dissimilar to the spoilt, demanding child. He wants his own way and expects to get it, nothing you have done would indicate otherwise.

 

You want to be liked MIS? Well I for one think you're a star, and it's my guess I'm not the only one here who likes you. Hopefully one day your H will like you too but if he doesn't it's his loss. It is he who should be wondering if you like him don't you think?

 

I don't normally encourage selfish behaviour, but in your case I'm going to make an exception. I know it's hard gorgeous, but try your best to stand tall. Are you prepared to continue like this? If you don't do something pretty bloody fast you're in for more of the same.

 

Whatever you do next is your decision to make and not mine to judge. It's a lot easier giving advice than it is taking it so whatever you decide to do you have all my support and best wishes. We'll all try to help you through it step by step.

 

Take care

 

Veronese

[Ladyjane14]

Lovely post, Veronese.

Serenity is best, and it clarifies our thought-process. Your thoughts were like 'calm at the center of a storm'....a good place to be when a person needs to make the best choices possible.

 

I have to be honest, MakeIt...if he continues contact with OW until Sunday, he's doing it at your expense, in full knowlege that his actions are causing you grief and pain. Regardless of any "agreement" you may have previously made, this should tell you something about him.

 

Take care. I hope it all works out for you.

[RecordProducer]

You mind is so muddled at the moment I wouldn't even recommend you decide on anything more than getting out of bed each morning and getting through the day.

Yes. And you are in agony that your husband put you in. It doesn't have to be that way. You don't have to suffer. You can be okay again - is basically what Greenshift told you. And Veronese told you that your forgiveness won't solve your problem; your husband needs to come back to you crawling on his knees, begging you for forgiveness, desiring to work on the marriage, making all the promises you need to hear, and KEEPING THEM. But that's not happening so there is only one way out.

 

He is living a bigamous life that you tolerate: you give him meals and clean clothes, she gives him sex. You can't choose what other people will do to you, but you can choose what YOU will do about their actions. You are letting him get away with a marital crime for the sake of what? How much can you take before you make it stop? YOu make it stop because nobody else will!

 

Veronese and Greenshift, those were great posts.

[Ladylay]

We are moving. And he told me eventually after he came from her house at almost 3am.

 

I don't have the strength to leave this marriage. I don't even know if it's because I love him anymore. I ache for my children.

 

I decided to somehow, someway, just back away from him. He said I'm smothering him. So I have to get out of his face. Has anyone ever initiated no contact with their H while living in the same house?

 

*sigh* I'd like to feel liked again.

 

My feeling is that he is having a mid-life crisis.

 

You live with him, You know him.

My friend went through this, her husband was a right bastard to her, did much the same as yours.

 

She like you, knew he was going off with the O.W. to have sex, dinner .It broke her heart!

 

She loved him & waited and after six months he suddenly In his words 'Woke Up'.

I am not saying this is true of your situation.

They are still together very happy, he dotes on her and realised what he could have lost.

She is happy, will never forget but has learnt to live with it.

 

The O.W. has moved on and is now married, she also suffered in all of this.

He would tell the O.W. if he had sex with his wife.

 

In his mind, he felt by keeping them both informed he was not betraying either of them. [i just realized i now know what a 'cakeman is]

 

I really wish you luck only you are living your life. Only you know if he is worth the pain,he is putting you through.

[Chump64]

Good luck, MakeItStop. You have gotten some good advice here.

 

Veronese, great post. I found it helpful as well.

[Makeitstop]

Whether he's worth the pain he's putting me through...that is definitely something for me to think about. Because it is pain...constant pain. I feel that perhaps I might deserve it as well simply because I've put him through much of the same last year for about a year and a half. He's stronger than me in the sense that he was able to deal with this feeling (that I'm feeling now) for that long. I've done much of the same that he's done to me. We just have different types of affairs. Mine didn't last but one night. His is a relationship. They both hurt the same.

 

I know what he's feeling right now. He knows what I'm feeling. Now if we can get past our own thoughts long enough to sit down and put the pieces together, we'll have a better understanding. Through understanding we'll be able to forgive each other. Well, that and working at gaining each other's trust again.

 

I believe that we can work through this. I'm just anxious to get started.

[RecordProducer]

I've done much of the same that he's done to me. We just have different types of affairs. Mine didn't last but one night. His is a relationship. They both hurt the same.

You cheated on him also?!

 

Well that makes a huge difference in the 'you're the victim and he's the a**h***' outlook we all acquired here.

[greenshift]

Record -

 

She mentioned that at the start of the thread, 100-some-odd posts ago. But, her affair was a long, long time ago - while I understand your reaction, and it's not entirely water-under-the-bridge, it's not the cause of this situation.

[RecordProducer]

Record -

 

She mentioned that at the start of the thread, 100-some-odd posts ago. But, her affair was a long, long time ago - while I understand your reaction, and it's not entirely water-under-the-bridge, it's not the cause of this situation.

 

I understand, but when we throw the moral-praching crap at somebody, it's helpful to know that his wife was not an angel either, dontcha think?

 

I think we've heard too much about "the situation" and too little about everything that happened before. I can't give advice when I can't get a clear image of this woman's feelings and personality.

 

Initially, I got the impression that she was a compassionate and meek lamb with low self-esteem. Now I think she wants to stay married, but is not in love with her husband. And that's okay, of course. But the advice we've given (Dump him, you'll be ok, he's an ass, etc.) is IMHO unsuitable in her case.

 

What she needs is advice on how to keep her husband by her side (and not how to let him go).

[Chump64]

RP: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t60553/

 

It appears that PK's wife also posted in April of 2005 as "Straightlovely."

[Makeitstop]

Yes, that is exactly what I said earlier in my thread. That I'm not all rosy. That I've made mistakes as well. And it wasn't a long, long time ago. It was last year.

 

So you see he's trying to heal as well. That's what makes this situation difficult. He's unsure as to whether I'm still the person I was when I was in withdrawal. I was acting the same way that he is now, without running to another man granted, but it still hurt the same.

 

So please don't judge him. It's why I've been asking for advice and coping help. Leaving him is not the answer. If we are ever going to get started on our marriage, he has to let her go. And he knows that. And he wants this marriage to work.

 

He needs encouragement to follow through with his decision to be with his family. He's not on the fence. He's just not sure what to do with the feelings he has for her. It's why he's still in contact with her. Mostly because she keeps calling him. But also because it's hard for him to resist her advances. He has told me that it's like an addiction. And I told him that we could deal with it together.

 

Please encourage him. He's not admitting it to me but I think that he's condemning himself enough.

[Ladylay]

I understand, but when we throw the moral-praching crap at somebody, it's helpful to know that his wife was not an angel either, dontcha think?

 

I think we've heard too much about "the situation" and too little about everything that happened before. I can't give advice when I can't get a clear image of this woman's feelings and personality.

 

Initially, I got the impression that she was a compassionate and meek lamb with low self-esteem. Now I think she wants to stay married, but is not in love with her husband. And that's okay, of course. But the advice we've given (Dump him, you'll be ok, he's an ass, etc.) is IMHO unsuitable in her case.

 

What she needs is advice on how to keep her husband by her side (and not how to let him go).

 

Explains it all thankyou R.P.

 

I wrote this two pages back.I couldn't understand why everyone was for wwiu dumping her husband. :confused:

 

 

 

 

 

My feeling is that he is having a mid-life crisis.

 

You live with him, You know him.

My friend went through this, her husband was a right bastard to her, did much the same as yours.

 

She like you, knew he was going off with the O.W. to have sex, dinner .It broke her heart!

 

She loved him & waited and after six months he suddenly In his words 'Woke Up'.

I am not saying this is true of your situation.

They are still together very happy, he dotes on her and realised what he could have lost.

She is happy, will never forget but has learnt to live with it.

 

The O.W. has moved on and is now married, she also suffered in all of this.

He would tell the O.W. if he had sex with his wife.

 

In his mind, he felt by keeping them both informed he was not betraying either of them. [i just realized i now know what a 'cakeman is]

 

I really wish you luck only you are living your life. Only you know if he is worth the pain,he is putting you through.

[Ladylay]

I know what he's feeling right now. He knows what I'm feeling. Now if we can get past our own thoughts long enough to sit down and put the pieces together, we'll have a better understanding. Through understanding we'll be able to forgive each other. Well, that and working at gaining each other's trust again.

 

I believe that we can work through this. I'm just anxious to get started.

 

My advice for what it is worth, is hang in there!

You are moving soon let that be a fresh start.

Painful as it is, I am sure.

When are you moving? Why not start sorting through your home,getting rid of old stuff etc..Keep yourself busy.

[Makeitstop]

I'm trying my darndest to keep busy, LL. It's really difficult for me. Part of me is too tired and depressed. The other half is too angry and paces. We're moving on Sunday. I'm trying to get through an hour at a time.

 

I decided today that showing my care and love is more important than giving into his angry demands. He demands that he not be held accountable till Sunday. I decided today that if I didn't lovingly hold him accountable...just a little bit, then he won't respect me. He doesn't want me to care but I do and I need to act like it. So I asked him to be home by a certain time tonight. I think that he will because he didn't sound angry or in a "whatever" mood when I talked to him. It seems like if I write things down, he's better able to digest it. When I tell him, his immediate answer is always "are you kidding me??" So I'm trying something different.

 

Btw, just to clarify something. I do love my husband. No, I don't feel butterflies. Butterflies aren't love. Eventually we'll perhaps feel butterflies once we dig through all the pain we've caused each other. But at this point we feel comfortable (I say "we" because he has told me that before). And that's what love becomes with someone who you're married to. Occasionally there are butterflies but there's no one who knows you better than that person. Love starts out as a feelings, perhaps, but eventually becomes a decision and a choice made in the mind and heart. To choose regardless of all the bad and all the people who want you apart, and all the odds...to be together and entertwine your lives together. It's what we chose to do when we got married. We ran away and eloped when we were 19. We knew it was going to be hard as hell. But we also couldn't imagine the other going though hard times alone. We got married because we wanted to go through the hard times together. Somewhere along the way we lost that.

[Ladylay]

We ran away and eloped when we were 19. We knew it was going to be hard as hell. But we also couldn't imagine the other going though hard times alone. We got married because we wanted to go through the hard times together. Somewhere along the way we lost that.

 

Wow, you have been through alot.

Sunday is three days away, think of it as three days of hell out of your life.

Compare that to the years you hopefully have ahead.

I really hope you can work through this.

 

I dont condone his behaviour btw.

As I said earlier I have seen this behaviour before. I have also seen the results of my friends patience and love pay off big time.

I wish you well you seem to want this to work.

[Makeitstop]

He has finally ended it. He came home last night earlier than I expected. It surprised me and both made me immensely proud of him. My H is alot stronger than he thinks and I'd like to continue to remind him of his strength.

 

I started reading "When Love Dies" by Judy Bolmer last night. It's truly a testimony of faith and understanding for me. It shows me that life can begin anew.

 

I'm vowing to take one day at a time. We're going out for some quality time together without the kids on Saturday night before the long moving day. I have a plan in my mind as to what we can do on a regular basis to start reconnecting but I go overboard sometimes when I get excited about an idea. So I'm going to be patient and allow him to let me know when he's ready. I know that he'll be feeling some type of way for a figurative minute. I pray daily that God gives us the strength to endure these times of recovery and that He restores us.

 

Thank you for all your support so far LS. More hard work is ahead of us. Please continue to encourage us both.

[Ladylay]

He has finally ended it. He came home last night earlier than I expected. It surprised me and both made me immensely proud of him. My H is alot stronger than he thinks and I'd like to continue to remind him of his strength.

 

I started reading "When Love Dies" by Judy Bolmer last night. It's truly a testimony of faith and understanding for me. It shows me that life can begin anew.

 

I'm vowing to take one day at a time. We're going out for some quality time together without the kids on Saturday night before the long moving day. I have a plan in my mind as to what we can do on a regular basis to start reconnecting but I go overboard sometimes when I get excited about an idea. So I'm going to be patient and allow him to let me know when he's ready. I know that he'll be feeling some type of way for a figurative minute. I pray daily that God gives us the strength to endure these times of recovery and that He restores us.

 

Thank you for all your support so far LS. More hard work is ahead of us. Please continue to encourage us both.

 

Fantastic I am so happy for you, I know it will be hard but you have so much love for this man.

Be strong take baby steps, dont be a doormat, and be happy.

Please come let us know how this works out. :D

[Makeitstop]

Today I work up with a burning feeling in my chest. Last night I woke up around 3 and couldn't go back to sleep until around 4:30am. My mind has been going crazy every which way. One second I'll be calm, trusting, and relieved...most of these times are when I'm talking to my H on the phone or when he's home. During the day though in between the calls and sometimes when he's sleeping, my mind wants to take over with insanity. I start going over the day, minute by minute and wondering if there was any chance that he could still be cheating on me. I get obsessed with analyzing the way he said this and how he acted when I did this. Then I feel like I want to pull my hair out! I don't want to be like this...a crazy distrusting person. So I breathe, calm down, and think other thoughts.

 

I honestly think that most of what I am feeling today is my mother's fault. She came by yesterday and asked me if my H was home for good. I said yes and she said "yeah, right. We'll see." She doesn't believe a word I say concerning him. Granted, I can't blame her because my father is a serial cheater. He's currently married to his fourth wife. My mother was with him for 16 years while he constantly cheated on her. It's been really hard not to let my mother's experience influence my mind but I've been trying extremely hard to counteract that at my husband's request. He asked that I trust him before I trust my mother. I feel like by not interrogating and by keeping my "crazy" thoughts under control and by not letting them influence my actions or the way that I talk to him, I am trusting him. I'm hoping that he views this as trusting him because I'm not sure he truly understands how I feel.

 

I'd like to talk to him about it because honestly he's the only one I want to talk to. I have friends but I don't want to talk to them. I want to talk to him about what's going on with me. I just don't want him to feel like I'm badgering him or bother him by what I'm feeling because I know that he is trying his best in this as well. But just like I have to understand his feelings. I want him to understand mine.

 

Any ideas?

[greenshift]

In a perfect world, your husband would be the one you could go to and talk to about this - he's your partner, that's what he is there for.

 

Unfortunately, if you start laying all of this on him I believe it's going to create more tension betweent the two of you, which is the last thing that you need right now.

 

What you're feeling is normal; I had a second chance at my marriage before the divorce and pretty much loused it up because I was going crazy thinking of all of the possible scenarios concerning my ex and the OM. She lied to me again and again, and, finally, I just didn't trust her anymore. It wasn't a decision - I never said, "That's the last straw!" - I just lost all faith in her. And now I'm single.

 

You NEED to talk about this stuff, but, for the time being, I don't think your husband is the appropriate outlet. Your mom's off the list, as well, since she's already bringing her (justifiably) jaded perspective to bear on your situation.

 

Talk to your friends, let them know that you just need someone to vent to. How's that saying go? Friends help you move, real friends help you move bodies, great friends listen to your marital issues without criticizing or trying to fix things.

 

Deep breath, count to ten.

 

The big issue here is that, if you don't talk to someone about this, it's going to color your every interaction with your husband, which is something you can't afford right now.

 

You're doing great. Keep it up.

[Makeitstop]

The past couple of days have been frustrating to say the least. It seems like he's trying to recreate the life he had with the OW here, with his family. He wants a dog now which I am suspicious might be because she has one. And he's gotten used to having one. She was well established...her own house, car, and the dog. It seems like he's not only trying to recreate that but also to recreate the same way she made him feel. I'm concerned because I don't know at what lengths he will go to try to acquire that "fantasy" feeling again. It's like he's unhappy with his family and the life we live and the life we are trying to acquire now that he's experienced things outside of his box. Is it my fault that he forgot to take his family with him? Is it my fault that he left his family behind to grow on their own at a different pace? I'm really sorry if he feels like we're lagging behind but there was a time when he was happy with our family. He had dreams of the life we would live.

 

Sometimes I feel like he's trying to turn me into her. He doesn't appreciate me nor like me...the person that I am. It's obvious in some of the things he says or the way he acts sometimes. I'm waiting for him to see ME...not her. I know that takes time and eventually when the pain of her has lessened he'll notice what's before him. For now, whenever he looks at me, he sees the pain of neglect. Is there anything that I can do to help him see me differently? Is there anything that I can do to help him see his family...not just a boring routine of going to work, coming home, putting the kids to bed, and off to sleep to begin another day tomorrow. How can I keep our family life from seeming so mundane to him?

[greenshift]

Okay, I'm trying not to be brutal here, but this is hard, especially for you.

 

He's fighting withdrawal by convincing himself that life with you is the same as life with her. That doesn't mean that she was better - it just means that he's having a hard time.

 

It also means that he's scared of facing life along the same path the two of you were walking before. That doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or your kids, or that you need a dog (btw, dogs are great - I have two and they're a riot), or that you need to buy a house, or a new car, or take a vacation, or start a 401k.

 

All it means is that he's fighting to let go of that fairy-tale path that he abandoned to be with you. It's HARD. It sucks that you have to deal with this - right now, he should be the one fighting.

 

But, sometimes we have to give up being right in order to get what's important to us. That's your job now, if you want you marriage, as I know you do.

 

So: what do you do? Be patient, above all things. Try and mix up the routine a bit. A dog might not be a bad idea- you could walk him/her together in the mornings, and when he gets home from work. It would give you both something new to focus on. It could also be a source of frustation - dogs aren't entirely unlike chilren in their remarkable ability to disrupt our lives in good and bad ways simultaneously.

 

MakeIt, the only important thing I have to say is this: THIS IS TEMPORARY.

 

Say it with me (out loud, please):

 

THIS IS TEMPORARY.

 

I LOVE MY HUSBAND.

 

THIS WILL PASS.

 

You have to keep pushing on. You're doing so well! I know it doesn't feel like it right now - I know it. But, think about where you are now and where you were a month ago - it's harder, in a lot of ways, but he's home, he's there with you, you're both trying.

 

Give it time. I know it's hard, and it's not fair to you. You feel like you're carrying all of this alone, and in a lot of ways you are. But, if you can make it to the other side (and, I promise, there is another side, an end to this) it'll be so, so great.

 

Counselling, we've discussed. Talking to you're friends I've suggested. (Speak like Yoda I do on occasion) But you MUST, MUST find a vent to let this pressure go, with a real, live person or people. Maybe an affair survivor's support group (thought be wary - these can be filled with bitter people seeking to excise revenge on their ex by screwing with your marriage) or something along those lines. I don't know - but you need something.

 

It's okay to feel this way, but you have to find an outlet for this if you want it to work.

 

You're doing great. Hang in there. I think about the two of you daily and you're in my prayers.

[Ladylay]

Is there anything that I can do to help him see his family...not just a boring routine of going to work, coming home, putting the kids to bed, and off to sleep to begin another day tomorrow. How can I keep our family life from seeming so mundane to him?

Change it, you seem to be in a rut. Do something on impulse,all go bowling.

 

In the real world life is a routine, sleep, eat, work.

 

Thats what the o/W life is like also but different, because she has a dog to walk, no kids.

 

A dog is not a bad idea you know you could all walk it as a family.

 

I am sure when he looks at you he feels guilty, He chose you it wont happen straight away, but if he truely loves you, give it time.

 

You have to decide if you love him, want him enough to go through this.

When are you moving?

[Makeitstop]

We moved yesterday officially. I have alot of unpacking to do. The OW called his cell yesterday and he didn't answer it! I'm very proud of him for the strides he is making. I try to tell him so on a regular basis to encourage him.

 

Greenshift, thank you sooo much. You've been a God-send in this situation. That is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. That this won't last forever. I knew that but for some reason when someone else says it, it makes it into reality.

 

We've moved to this really nice apartment. Nicer than we've ever lived in with plenty of space. It feels like a breath of fresh air to live in a quiet neighborhood now.

 

Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm excited about a dog (although I may not seem this way to my H). He's always wanted one growing up and I've always wanted one to replace the one I had growing up. We are looking forward to getting it in a couple of months. I guess I just don't want there to be another thing that comes between us because we don't have the time to be around each other. But at this point, distraction is good I hear.

[Ladylay]

Makeitstop

Moving is a nightmare, God on you H for not answering his cell:)

hang in there, new home , new start.