the right thing to do (edited)

[unsure]

This is a pretty long story, sorry I couldn't cut it short. Please bear with me. I have been going out with this guy for almost four years. By all accounts a great guy. smart, intellectual, successful, affectionate, open-minded, worldly, caring etc.

 

He told me very early on that he didn't want to get married and that he'd rather be friends as he was bad at relationships, but things progressed from there.

 

At first the relationship was tough, it took a lot of adjustment from both sides and compromise. Of course everyone around us knew were a couple but he never really liked to make it obvious in front of people.

 

We broke up a year or so into the relationship for around two months after which we got back together and he became very different after he broke down the first time with me about his father's illness.(He has always been expected to be in control and responsible.)

 

When we got back together, he opened up a lot more and became much more loving and affectionate and sweet. he wanted us to spend a lot if time alone which he had not wanted to do before and a lot less with us friends. At this stage he started opening up about his feelings and how much he loved me and missed me and how he had felt lost without me.

 

two years later I asked him to take time off to think where he wanted this relationship to go. he took that time off and came back saying he wanted us to build a future together but could I give him two months to sort things out before we made it official and I said fine. two months later he came back and said he was even more sure he wanted this but that his dads tests were coming up and could we wait till after he dealt with that as he wanted us to be happy and right now he was feeling very down about his dad, at which stage I said I felt we need to move ahead right then. he came to see my father (we live in a traditional society) and asked for my hand.

 

That's when the problems started. he told me that his parents knew about us and they were supposed to get in touch with mine but that never happened. I know for a fact that his parents want nothing more than to see us married.

 

anyway two months into that he admitted that they didn't actually know and that he was lying. he came an apologized to my family and me and promised it would never happen again. now is three months later and it turns out he was still lying and never told them. I found out when I called his mother over a crazy story he had just told me. the lies were getting more complicated every day but I wanted to believe him. his mother said to please give him another chance and that she can't see him lying as it is not him.

 

when i confronted him he said how sorry he was and how he never meant for thing to turn out this way but that he thinks he needs professional help to understand why he acted this way. he says he loves me and wants us to be together but know he hurt me badly and messed up and wants to make sure for a fact he'll never do it again before he can even ask for my forgiveness.

 

he is not your typical commitment phobic in the sense that he doesn't come on strong then back off and that he admitted he had a problem from say one but then thought we could get through it. we both feel an intense connection to one another and have even felt that we were meant to be related somehow, neither of us can imagine not being in touch.

 

I am appalled at his behaviour which is demeaning and which I certainly don't deserve. I am a very intelligent successful woman but I think I also have issues in that I am over controlling and always need to manoeuvre things to where they fit a picture I want to see. I see now that we both have intimacy issues and are hoping that we can sort them out and end up together. the difference is I never lied or cheated and he did and I wonder if its part of my problem that I want to try and forgive him and move forward. right now we are in touch briefly by sms. he is out of town with his father who is undergoing serious treatment. he has also seen a therapist while there and wants to continue doing that. I text him asking about his dad and trying to be there though I guess I should just leave him and move on.

 

the reason I hesitate is that I believe that we are right for each other but I certainly don't want to be with him if he will continue to lie to me or if his problem is purely one of commitment phobia as I don't think I can help him there. while lying he would break down and cry from guilt (thought then I didn't know it was guilt) but he was certainly showing remorse but also continued to lie.

 

should I just move on or risk trying to work it out and is being in touch even this little a bad thing to do? he used to call me at least 20 times a day and we used to see each other every day so not being in touch at all seems very strange. What I would like is for us to sit down and decide bilaterally how we should move on. Is that too much to expect at this emotionally highly charged stage?

 

thanks,

 

unsure

[unsure]

I realise my message was way too long but I would really appreciate some feedback from you guys out there. I am pretty stuck here.

 

thanks

[clia]

I think after investing 2+ years into this relationship that the least he could do is sit down with you and discuss how you are going to move on. In fact, he owes it to you after treating you the way he did. If you can't get anywhere on your own, you might try couples therapy to see if you can get somewhere. At least he's acknowledged there's a problem, but actions speak louder than words. Now he needs to do something about it and prove to you that he's trying to do something about it. If he can't do that, you need to move on. If I were you, I'd talk to him about it, then maybe give him a couple more months at the most and see where things stand. If they haven't gotten better or he isn't making any effort, you should get out of there and find someone else.

 

Just remember, he is not the only guy out there. Do you really need this turmoil in your life?

 

(And he used to call you TWENTY times a day? That's insane, if you ask me.)

This is a pretty long story, sorry I couldn't cut it short. Please bear with me. I have been going out with this guy for almost four years. By all accounts a great guy. smart, intellectual, successful, affectionate, open-minded, worldly, caring etc. He told me very early on that he didn't want to get married and that he'd rather be friends as he was bad at relationships, but things progressed from there. At first the relationship was tough, it took a lot of adjustment from both sides and compromise. Of course everyone around us knew were a couple but he never really liked to make it obvious in front of people. We broke up a year or so into the relationship for around two months after which we got back together and he became very different after he broke down the first time with me about his father's illness.(He has always been expected to be in control and responsible.) When we got back together, he opened up a lot more and became much more loving and affectionate and sweet. he wanted us to spend a lot if time alone which he had not wanted to do before and a lot less with us friends. At this stage he started opening up about his feelings and how much he loved me and missed me and how he had felt lost without me. two years later I asked him to take time off to think where he wanted this relationship to go. he took that time off and came back saying he wanted us to build a future together but could I give him two months to sort things out before we made it official and I said fine. two months later he came back and said he was even more sure he wanted this but that his dads tests were coming up and could we wait till after he dealt with that as he wanted us to be happy and right now he was feeling very down about his dad, at which stage I said I felt we need to move ahead right then. he came to see my father (we live in a traditional society) and asked for my hand. That's when the problems started. he told me that his parents knew about us and they were supposed to get in touch with mine but that never happened. I know for a fact that his parents want nothing more than to see us married. anyway two months into that he admitted that they didn't actually know and that he was lying. he came an apologized to my family and me and promised it would never happen again. now is three months later and it turns out he was still lying and never told them. I found out when I called his mother over a crazy story he had just told me. the lies were getting more complicated every day but I wanted to believe him. his mother said to please give him another chance and that she can't see him lying as it is not him.

 

when i confronted him he said how sorry he was and how he never meant for thing to turn out this way but that he thinks he needs professional help to understand why he acted this way. he says he loves me and wants us to be together but know he hurt me badly and messed up and wants to make sure for a fact he'll never do it again before he can even ask for my forgiveness. he is not your typical commitment phobic in the sense that he doesn't come on strong then back off and that he admitted he had a problem from say one but then thought we could get through it. we both feel an intense connection to one another and have even felt that we were meant to be related somehow, neither of us can imagine not being in touch. I am appalled at his behaviour which is demeaning and which I certainly don't deserve. I am a very intelligent successful woman but I think I also have issues in that I am over controlling and always need to manoeuvre things to where they fit a picture I want to see. I see now that we both have intimacy issues and are hoping that we can sort them out and end up together. the difference is I never lied or cheated and he did and I wonder if its part of my problem that I want to try and forgive him and move forward. right now we are in touch briefly by sms. he is out of town with his father who is undergoing serious treatment. he has also seen a therapist while there and wants to continue doing that. I text him asking about his dad and trying to be there though I guess I should just leave him and move on. the reason I hesitate is that I believe that we are right for each other but I certainly don't want to be with him if he will continue to lie to me or if his problem is purely one of commitment phobia as I don't think I can help him there. while lying he would break down and cry from guilt (thought then I didn't know it was guilt) but he was certainly showing remorse but also continued to lie. should I just move on or risk trying to work it out and is being in touch even this little a bad thing to do? he used to call me at least 20 times a day and we used to see each other every day so not being in touch at all seems very strange. What I would like is for us to sit down and decide bilaterally how we should move on. Is that too much to expect at this emotionally highly charged stage? thanks, unsure

[unsure]

Thanks for the advice. He is willing to sit and talk to try to resolve things, but I am not sure that I should take such a risk as I'm concerned that a short period of time will not be enough to resolve all these issues and I don't want to end up here a year down the line. I also don't however want to give up on this as I love him and know he loves me, unless lying to me rules that out completely. Also, his dad is currently in critical condition and so far ive limited my involvment to text messages but I find it hard to turn my back at him at this stage.

 

I think after investing 2+ years into this relationship that the least he could do is sit down with you and discuss how you are going to move on. In fact, he owes it to you after treating you the way he did. If you can't get anywhere on your own, you might try couples therapy to see if you can get somewhere. At least he's acknowledged there's a problem, but actions speak louder than words. Now he needs to do something about it and prove to you that he's trying to do something about it. If he can't do that, you need to move on. If I were you, I'd talk to him about it, then maybe give him a couple more months at the most and see where things stand. If they haven't gotten better or he isn't making any effort, you should get out of there and find someone else. Just remember, he is not the only guy out there. Do you really need this turmoil in your life? (And he used to call you TWENTY times a day? That's insane, if you ask me.)