Didn't realize what I lost til too late

[Maylove]

My gf and I broke up 2 weeks ago after a 9 or so months. I had broken up with her before after finding out she looked through my phone b/c she didn't trust me. I wasn't doing anything wrong, but I know I didn't make her my 1st priority and always wanted to hang out with my guy friends - which caused her to be pretty mad about it. I wasn't trying to hurt her, and until she wanted to break up I didn't realize how immature it was of me to not place her 1st.

 

I don't have a lot of relationship experience, I've "casually" dated plenty of women, but none that were that significant except one other, I'd say. About 4 months into it I got a bit scared about the situation, not because I didn't love her, just not real good with the day to day of being a good boyfriend.

 

Her anger about my lack of attention caused her to get pretty worked up and lash out at times in her mood, which would cause me to get pissed off too. It wasn't very healthy at all. I accept full responsibility for my actions, but it takes 2 to let things slide so far.

 

After we broke up, I sent her a long letter detailing how I have realized how wrong I was in not treating her as my 1st priority. (I have a group of friends that are very close and more like family) she told me she needed time to think, and I admit I've kind of pressed the situation. But once I started not trying to contact her, (she told me she needed to some space to figure out life w/out me), she started texting me and usually checking in every so often.

 

The problem was that, at the same time she would do little things to hint she was out having a blast and being single etc., knowing I would see them (on facebook for anyone familiar)

 

I tried engaging her about it and she expressed how unhappy she was with the situation, and I asked if she still loved me or would ever get back with me, and she's said, not right now and i'm not promising anything.

She texted me Saturday night, and I was out with some friend and a cousin from out of town and didn't respond. Within 2 hours she had called 3 times and texted 2 more times- saying fine don't respond to me, then saying well i need to get my stuff then at some point. I called her back about 45 minutes after that and said I didn't have my phone on me and tried to engage her in the I want to get back together conversation. No dice

 

Last night she found out that I talked to a girl on Saturday night that I used to sleep with, and called up pissed at me saying she needed to get her stuff. I didn't find out that she knew about talking to the old girl until she started asking if I had been making out or sleeping with anyone since we broke up. I haven't slept with anyone since we broke up out of respect for her b/c when we originally broke up she was unsure about if she wanted to and said that if I ran off and slept around that would def end it for us. Once again she was like, i wanna get off the phone and stop talking about this. Low and behold she sent me a text at like 1 am saying goodnight?

 

Tonight I dropped off her stuff and she seemed pretty distant, but did appologize for yelling, even though she now tells me she is "pissed" at me and how I treated her. I talked to her on the phone before I went over there and it was like 20 questions about what I was doing, with who, blah blah blah. I feel like my appology letter might have done more harm than good.

 

What should I do, I feel if I cut off contact from her completely she will then make the decision to stay pissed at me and really move on for good. If I keep bothering her she'll just stay mad and nothing will change.

I know I need change, and realize I'm not 100% at fault, but not sure how to navigate thru this sticky situation. Its tough b/c I'm the 1st guy that has ever broken up with her, and while we were still all happy and such she'd routinely have ex's text or call out of the blue pleading she get back with them, and she always told me that when she was done with them that was it? I feel like I'm not in the same boat, but it does raise a red flag.