i have no sexual self esteem

[Funnygirl]

My body image has never been that great. But it seems that my husband's love of porn- he has said he might be addicted, but isn't concerned- is having a negative effect on me. I compare myself to these girls, and see how sexy they are, knowing that my husband loves to masturbate to porn. IT'S JUST LOOKING at people having sex, and since he has been watching harcore porn since he was 12, how could it possibly have anything to do with me??

And yet, when i leave the house I'm sure he is surfing until I come home again. It makes me feel bad that I reduce my husband to a porn addict, that's how is characterize him, he's no longer a great guy, who makes me laugh and loves me...

He says maybe if we watched it together it would make me feel less jealous or left out, and sometimes there are soft core movies on, and we'll try watching together but he says they aren't as good as the ones on the computer- bad lighting, cheesy, ect...

The bottom line is, porn is better than me, than our sex lives together.

And it wasn't until the last 3 or so years, with my husband, that I've never paid attention much to my body, because I've spent most of my life pretending I don't have a gut and love handles, pretending my body isn't me, and not paying any attention to having sex, i used to just go through the motions.

So now that I am trying to embace the sexual side of myself, I feel that it still isn't good enough. and as a result I don't make advances on him as much as I should or sometimes want to, because I feel like he will truly not be satisfied, and will go watch porn right after we have sex. (which he has done before- which ultimately leads to an argument of some kind)

Just the other day he left for work early, and I went to the television to see what he was watching- and it was one of the soft core porns, he gets turned on by watching it more than me, and i think that hurts my self esteem that was never very good to begin with.

How can i talk to him about this when everytime, i just sound like a broken record that has no self esteem, and without him getting mad or defensive when I bring it up.

Part of me just thinks I should be like the other wifes in the world, who pretend they don't find their husband's stash of porn, and just act like everythng is okay.

I've been telling myself, porn has nothing to do with me, he's been doing it since he was 12.

How do i deal with this?

[unimoko]

you know I was really addicted to porn before. I dreamt about porn, watched it at all oppurtunities (not at work ), and before I knew it just engulfed all my free time. When you watch porn continously is really less about the sex and more about the fantasy of a world where sex is random, frequent, and impersonal--that is not the way sex is suppossed to be.

 

For men porn is just eye candy. For women our porn is romance novels (because we are more stimulated by emotional connections and stimulants)

 

I can understand why you feel so degraded by his addiction to porn. Comparing yourself to these glamorous (hm...maybe not) women who are completely unhibited in their desires with their partners. But you gotta understand, its just fantasy--I personally wouldn't want to be them and in that world, would you?

 

To him he is so wired to it I think that he would go through withdraw symptons if he refrained from pornography.

 

I also think that he is complete denial of his addiction and wants you to be in denial with it to be minimizing its damaging effects on you (i.e. by watching porn together)

 

My suggestion is to talk to your husband about your concerns. If he does not respond or dismisses it I would suggest therapy for BOTH of you. Your self-esteem is being battered by this and you have to understand why you are allowing yourself to be devalued by these skanks (sorry, I tell it as I see it) and why your husband is addicted to the skin flicks. And if he does not want to go to therapy I think you should persue therapy on your own.

 

Best of luck

[JadeStar]

You both might want to get into some marraige counseling as well as individual counseling. He needs to go for his porn habit, you need to go to get someone to put things in better perspective for you about your self esteem issues, and you both need to go for the marraige as a whole.

 

 

 

 

 

Jade

[Poconobob]

How can one put this, hun, your hubby AND you have a problem.

 

How long can he go without porn? Hours/days? I see it effects your personal life but what about his job? Did he have a hobby? (don't say porn)...

Obviously, since doing this obsession for years it has manifested itself into its own being where he needs to feed his tastes.

 

Hmmm what can he do, or what can you do... Well, counseling though you'd be eager to think it'd be easy to get him to go would be best if you went first and find a person who specifically can be tolerant of getting him in by the lure of asking him to come along with you to help explain YOUR problems not his because he may say he MAY be addicted but he knows and denial isn't a river in Egypt, it is deny, deny that bothers me about getting him into therapy.

 

I SURE hope that made sense... Where the idea of seeking counseling and the lure thing comes from a book I read about divorce and one mate doesn't wanna come in and how to get 'em in. My doctor even said it was a good idea. Anyway, as for you: you have to realize that his addiction and your self esteem problem hold hands because you are a couple. Therefore, add it all up and you may have to go back in therapy years ago when he began to deepen his love for it. Did you guys start to divide then? Meaning did he put on porn and you not caring about sex and "going through the emotions" said YIPPEEE, he will jerk off and not wanna cum bother me.

Does that at all sound familiar? That was the only thing I could deduce from the paragraph. That your lack of enthusiasm JUSTIFIABLY so and his non sense...

 

I wish you luck,

 

bob